Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas! It sure has been a Merry Christmas at my house today. Having a 4 year old has made this Christmas extra special. She is excited about Santa and all the presents she got today. Times sure have changed. I used to be able to just relax on Christmas day and look at the stuff I got and now it's putting toys together and making Christmas dinner. Oh well, I like it better this way.

I think one of the best gifts I got was my new Weight Watchers guides/books and the calculator. I have a few days to go through everything so I'm ready on Jan 1 to start the program again. I haven't been good these past 2 weeks although I have maintained my weight. One of the reasons I've been able to do this is that I got the stomach flu last week and lost 5 lbs. Ever since then I've stayed the same weight. I guess that's good. I did want to lose this month, but I guess maintaining is better then gaining for sure.

My husband is off work this coming week so my only goal is to get into a work out routine. I have to figure out a way to do it. I watched the finale of the Biggest Loser and I can't remember her name (Burgandy maybe?) said that she doesn't want to get up at 5 am to work out, but she does. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it. 2011 is going to be the year that I get healthy.

I went to my brothers house last night to celebrate Christmas and my Sister in Law has lost 140 pounds over this last year and a half. I know there was some supplement she was taking the first few months but she claims she hasn't taken that in a long time. I can't even tell you how consumed I was with jealousy. She was always stick thin when she was younger, but then had kids and piled on the weight. When she was fat, I felt like I could relate to her better. Now she's skinny (and she is skinny) and all I feel is jealousy. I can't even be happy for her which is just terrible.

So, this is the year. It's going to happen. I also got a weight loss book. It's written by Marianne Williamson. She used to be the "minister" at our Church. She ties losing weight in with religion somehow. This was the book Oprah had on her favorite things show. Anyway, the only reason I wanted another weight loss book is because I really liked Marianne. I could really relate to her and really liked going to Church when she was here. We'll see if I get anything out of it. Of course the back of the book gets me all wound up thinking this is going to "be the one" that finally explains to me why I'm fat and how I can miraculously take the weight off once and for all. We'll see.

I hope you have a blessed and Merry Christmas. It truly is a magical time of year if you don't get caught up in all the crap associated with it!

I know I haven't been posting. The truth is, I'm struggling right now. I don't know what the problem is. I don't understand how I can be all gung ho one day and full of motivation and just let that all slip away the following day.

I think in my mind I'm thinking that it's the holidays and why bother trying to lose weight right now? But, like I've said before, it's just one day, not a whole month.

I think the weather is playing a part in my struggle. I can't go outside because it's too cold and snowy. All the schools are closed today because we got a pretty good snow storm yesterday. I can't take the kids out because it's about 10 degrees outside. I can't go to the gym because my membership is on hold right now because of the baby. Wow, there are a lot of "can'ts" in that paragraph. I guess I just feel bummed right now and I need to pull myself out of this funk and fast.

This has been a good week. I signed up for WW online 2 days ago. I haven't had a lot of time to explore the website, but I have gotten the basics of the "new" program. I'm excited about it. Something new always seems to get me motivated. I have also been using the App for my iphone and tracking my points.

My goal is to lose 50 lbs by July 30. This week on Tuesday I had lost 1 lb. Normally I would say "Big deal, one pound is nothing. I can shit one pound" but this time was different. I thought "Hmm, that's great. I'm half way to my weekly goal of losing 2 lbs" I have no idea where that idea came from, but it was kind of a light bulb moment for me. Instead of thinking of the total I need to lose, I'm going to view it as 2 lbs a week. It really doesn't sound like a lot, but after one month thats 8 lbs! After 2 months, that's 16 lbs. That IS a lot. It all adds up and slowly but surely I will reach my goal. Actually 2 lbs a week will take me over my goal, so I have some wiggle room for plateaus and "bad" weeks.

This week I have lost 1.5 lbs. Only a half a pound to go and I will have met that part of my goals for the week.

The other goal I have set is to work out 3 times a week. This one has not been so easy to meet. It's so unpredictable with a baby. Some days go smoothly and some don't. Some nights are easy, and some nights I'm up half the night. I haven't been able to figure out how I'm going to achieve this goal before joining the gym again. It's not that I don't *want to* work out. It's finding the time with a new baby. I'm going to cut myself some slack on this one. I could very easily just give it all up until the baby is older, so if I can manage to stick to the diet I'll be satisfied with that. Not happy, just satisfied. Mid January I will be able to start going to the gym again (with daycare) so if I can't manage to work out at home, that is what I'll do. I'm just nervous to take the baby to daycare in the middle of cold and flu season, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I feel really good about my attitude right now. I wish I could stop the evening sweet binges though. I could be losing more if I could just stop eating after a sensible dessert. I have too much junk in my house. I'm clearing it out a little at a time. I wanted to throw some fudge out last night but my husband wouldn't let me. He said it was a "sin" to throw away food but I know it's really him just wanting to eat the fudge. I told him if he really wanted to keep it, he had to hide it because I couldn't resist it. I couldn't. It's one of those things that I only get at this time of year and just couldn't stop myself from eating it. I have to get foods like that out of the house. My husband will just have to understand that this is what I need to do right now. Once I get some momentum going I will be able to say "no" easier, but for not it's tough.

I got the "OK" from my doctor to diet and exercise last week. I have had out of town company for a week in my house so it was difficult to start any plan or even to exercise. They left this morning and I have no more excuses.

I spoke with my husband about returning to Weight Watchers meetings and he is not thrilled at the prospect of watching both kids each week while I attend a meeting. I'm not going to vent about how mad that makes me and how I should be able to take 45 mins a week for myself. Because of this, I've been thinking about joining WW online. I am excited about their new program and think I can get all the new information online. I believe it's $69 for 3 months and that will allow me to use all their online tools and get the new plan info.

My only hesitation is starting it now. Would it be totally stupid to think I can actually lose weight throughout the holidays? I don't want to waste the first month because I am not in the right frame of mind to actually lose weight. I've always thought if I just maintain my weight throughout December that I've done good. Could I actually lose weight? Is it possible?? I need to think about that question for a while.

I gained 2 pounds over this past week. I am still not producing enough milk for my amazon baby so I don't think it actually allows me an extra 900 calories a day like some women say. However, I have pigged out. I've been eating crap since I've had guests. I can't blame them, it's my fault. The first half of the week my Sister in Law was here and she is on a diet. She was being good. I was the one who wasn't.

The second half of the week my other sister in law was here and she has a weight problem too. We made a deal to lose 50 lbs by the end of July. We've made this deal before and neither one of us has done it. However, this year she has a family wedding to attend and I have my 25 year high school reunion to attend in August. Will this be motivation enough? If I do it, my husband will by me a leather coat. If she does it her husband will buy her a new outfit. However, if only one of us does it, the other will also buy the one who does it a new outfit. For example, if I lose 50 pounds and she doesn't, I get a new outfit from her and my husband will also buy me a leather jacket. Not a bad deal.

My only obstacle right now is finding the time to work out with the baby. This past week she has discovered that she likes the swing. (Finally!) She will swing and fall asleep in it without a problem. As long as I don't use it too much, I can see dropping my older daughter off at school, coming home and working out while the baby swings.

My husband went back to work last Monday. However, I've had people here to help me get my daughter to school and help with the baby this past week. Tomorrow is the first day I have to do it myself. I'm nervous and scared, but I'll do it. I don't really have a choice. Moms do it all over the world and I can to.

Getting myself healthy will be a challenge, especially with a new baby to take care of. However, I have to make it a priority. I am 42. When the baby is 5, I will be 47. I have to have the energy to run around with her and play with her. Time is ticking. My doctor also told me he'd like to test me for diabetes after the holidays. It's a 3 hour test. I think I'm going to push that back a couple of months and really focus on getting healthy. I guess my first goal should be to pass that glucose test. I kind of have the feeling that it's now or never. I can't keep letting years go by and think that I still have time to get healthy. I really don't. I'm not "old" but I'm not "young" either. Now is the time.

I guess I just answered my own question. YES I CAN LOSE WEIGHT IN DECEMBER. Christmas is ONE day. Not a whole month. I can and will do this. I'm going to sign up for WW this week and get started on the program. My 2 goals this week are to sign up for WW online and to work out 3 times in my basement. I can do this!!

The baby is 5 weeks old this week. I can't believe it! Time is flying, but in the middle of the night dragging. She is usually up for at least an hour to two each night which is no fun, but around that time she is sleeping well. Last night I got 5 hours in a row.

Last week I came down with a nasty case of mastitis. That's an infection in the breast. I had the chills alternating with sweats for almost 3 days. That was horrible. Thank God my friend from PA was here for the week staying with me and she was a HUGE help. I was able to rest and get better by the time she left. The doctor put me on antibiotics which had side effects that were really nasty. Two nights (last night being one of them) I was up with major acid reflux. It got so bad last night I was throwing up and had esophageal spasms.

The reason I bring this up is that it's a reminder that I need to get my eating under control. The symptoms last night was not due to my eating, but when I go crazy and eat like crap, the same thing (to a lesser degree) happens. I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to be sick all the time. I want to feel great and healthy.

I have one more week until I can start exercising again. I need to figure out a way to get that done since the baby seems to enjoy little cat naps instead of a nice long nap. It might take a week or two but I'll figure something out. I wish I lived in a warmer climate so I could walk outside.

Baby is up and crying, more later!

I feel sick to my stomach now. I have this HUGE bag of candy that was not given out at Halloween. My husband took our daughter trick or treating so I stayed home to hand out candy. As soon as they left the baby needed to be fed so I turned off our light and it never got turned back on. Now I have a huge bag of my favorite candy just sitting on my table, calling my name.

I have gained a pound because of that damn candy. I've been snacking on it all day long and I can't stop. HELP! I know I should just throw it away, but then my husband will start lecturing me about wasting food and money. ARGH! Where is my self control????

My stress level is at an all time high right now because my daughter and husband are both sick. This means zero help with the baby at night so I'm the one getting up and taking care of her. It's nice to have someone who can at least rock her to sleep after I'm done feeding her, but I really don't want her to get sick so my husband is staying away from her. Sigh......

I'm feeling defeated right now and powerless. I feel like a loser that can't control herself. Gotta go, the baby is crying!

100th post

It seems fitting that this is my 100th post. The labor and delivery are behind me and I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life.

Baby update- this time around is so different from when baby #1 came. I am much more calm and know what to expect. She is the best baby! She is breast feeding like a champ and each night I'm getting more and more sleep. At first she didn't like her bassinet, but these past 2 nights she has given up the fight and started to sleep at night. When you go from getting an hour of sleep a night to 4 hours, it's is pure joy! I used to think I needed 8 hours of sleep to function, but I've found out that 4 hours will do.

I've come up with a weight loss plan. I can't "officially" do any dieting or exercising for 6 weeks, which is fine with me. That will take me to the beginning of December. Right now my plan is to slowly get back into the swing of things throughout December. If I can manage to not gain that month, I will be ecstatic. The holidays are always tough for me, but this year we are going to keep everything low key because of the baby.

I am happy to report that as of last week I am only 10 pounds over my pre pregnancy weight! I am SO HAPPY about that! Even if I just maintain right now for a while, to have to lose only 10 lbs after having a baby is really good. These past 2 days I have been wearing my pre pregnancy jeans. They are a *little* snug, but not too bad.

I am thinking about counting WW points again. I know you can follow the plan while breast feeding so I might do that. Or, I might email the dietician and have her modify the gestational diabetes diet for a breast feeding mom. Both I can do now, although the instructions said not to "diet to lose weight" for 6 weeks. But, I know WW does allow breast feeding moms to follow the plan. I am going to do some research and contact the dietician and see what she thinks. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk production (Yes, I feel like a cow) but I also don't want to make the mistake I made with baby #1 and start gaining weight.

The best news I have to report is I have no signs of post partum depression. I was so worried about that. I feel great. Tired at times and not happy all the time, but that's normal when you are dealing with a new born. I feel nothing like I felt the first time around. I know I need to keep watching for signs, but so far I feel really good. I think the fact that hubby is helping out much more this time around helps too. He was afraid the first time around, but this time he's diving right in and helping.

That's my update. I am looking forward to getting healthy by the end of 2011. My 25th high school reunion is in August so that gives me a target date to hit my goal. I am feeling optimistic and excited about getting back on track and getting healthy. Life is so good!!!

Welcome Macy Anne

DOB: Wednesday, October 13

Time: 2:41 pm

9 lbs 7 oz

22" long

The labor was really great this time around. Less than 10 mins of pushing. She is pretty darn big so I'm pretty sore. Per Doctors orders no dieting or working out for 6 weeks! YES!!

She is the best baby and breast feeding is going really well. Overall, it's been a great experience. I'm getting enough sleep to not go crazy, but still could use a few more hours per night. I'm not complaining though. It's all worth it.

We have a plan

FINALLY, I have a plan. I realized today that it's not that I'm being a control freak. It's that I don't think the doctors are paying me much attention or even know themselves what is going on with me.

Today my OB's office called to move up my induction date. The office manager told me that the OB said he'd really like to deliver me sooner if possible. He NEVER told me that. I have always thought he wanted to wait until the 18th to induce me. The reason they didn't schedule me for next week was because they were booked and the doctor didn't have an opening in his schedule. She also told me that the OB would look at my ultra sound results and decide if we should do a c section or not. Whew. I just wanted to know that he understood my concerns and was addressing them. I don't think he's a very good communicator and I wasn't asking enough questions. I guess this just shows me that I need to start sticking up for myself. Nobody is going to do it for me and I need to realize that I am worth the time and effort it takes to answer some questions.

I feel so much better knowing there is a plan in place and come hell or high water I will have my baby by next Wednesday at the latest. I am so excited!!!

It is so weird for me to get on the scale each day and weigh the same. This must be what it feels like to be in "maintenance mode." I love it. I can go for 2 or 3 days, not weigh myself, get on the scale on day 4 and weigh the same. It's so strange for me that I'm not obsessing about food or what I weigh for one of the first times in my life. I love feeling like this! Besides, I know that the baby is getting bigger, but I'm not. This will only mean good things for me once I have this baby.

I was going to come on here and complain about my doctors and how they can't come up with a good plan for me and how I should deliver this baby. I've changed my mind. I'm not going to type one complain tonight. That's because I am feeling so very thankful right now.

At the beginning of the year I got involved with the bone marrow donor program. There was a local fire fighter who is in his late 30's and has acute leukemia. He has 2 kids and a wife who love him. He had the transplant and was doing well until about a week ago. Things started to take turn for the worse. He's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what is going wrong in his body. I started reading his updates on a very bad day. I had come from the OB and got news I didn't like.

Then it hit me. What the hell do I have to complain about? I am carrying a healthy baby. I have stopped gaining weight. My family is healthy. I am healthy. I know that within the next 2 weeks I will have a new baby. What is my fricken' problem that I can't see everything I have to be thankful for and I can spend so much damn time dwelling on what's not going right? He doesn't know if he will be alive in 2 weeks. I know that I will and I will have a new healthy baby to boot!

I am not going to waste one more minute worrying about what I can't control with this pregnancy. I am giving up control and enjoying being pregnant. I am thankful for everything that I have and all the wonderful people in my life. You should be too!

Saw the OB yesterday. He won't do anything to help me have this baby until I am 39 weeks. If I don't go into labor on my own, they are going to schedule me for a c section on the 13th of October. The OB is worried about the size of the baby and what could happen if I can't get her out on my own. Without boring you, it "could be" bad, or it could be no problem at all. Since they don't know which way it could go, if I go to 39 weeks they feel more comfortable doing a c section. I'm scared but ok with it I guess. I'm going to do everything in my power to go into labor on my own before then. EVERYONE has told me to have lots of sex, so my hubby is very happy about that.

I was reading an article about weight loss today and kind of had one of those simple epiphanies. Something that I *should* know, but never really thought about. It had 10 tips for losing weight and one of the tips was having cut up/washing veggies within eye site in your fridge. I think about how I have to eat now and how I've gotten rid of the junk for the most part because of the diabetes. When I'm hungry, I automatically reach for the hummus because that's what's there.

If I could just keep this frame of mind going once this baby comes, it will be so much easier for me to lose weight. Imagine your house having NO garbage in it. No candy, no chips, etc. Imagine it being filled with fruits and veggies and good stuff. Now imagine it's 4:00 in the afternoon. You're not quite hungry, but you need *something* to tide you over until dinner. You start searching through your cupboards and see healthy options. You open the fridge and there's more of the same. What are you going to do?

Are you going to drive to McDonalds and get a double cheeseburger? Are you going to drive to the store and get some chips? I highly doubt it. For one, you are not "hungry" you just want a little something. That feeling is not enough for you to get into your car and drive anywhere to satisfy this need. For another thing, is it really worth it? When you really stop to think about it- is it really worth sabotaging your diet just because you want a little something?

So, here's my point. If I've learned anything with this diabetic diet, it's to NEVER let yourself get hungry. That is when we make poor choices. Look for a healthy option when you are just feeling that beginning pang of hunger. Take snacks with you if you have to so you aren't tempted to go through a drive through if that feeling hits. I'm supposed to eat every 2 hours. Do I? No, but I try. But, I haven't gained any weight in over 8 weeks now. This works.

I just need to remember this in a few weeks when I'm sleep deprived and my hormones are going crazy after this baby comes. You'll remind me, won't you??

Baby Update

No baby yet. It feels like she will never come. I do have news though.

Last week the OB said he would induce me a week early, making me have the baby on October 11. The next day the office called and said they have scheduled my induction for October 18th! It turns out my OB will be out of town the week before my due date. Great. What's with these doctors thinking they can take vacations whenever they want- LOL.

The next day I went to have my ultrasound done and the baby is 8 pounds 2 oz right now! Holy shit! My appointment was later in the afternoon so I couldn't call the doctor to talk to him about inducing me earlier. If I wait until the 17th there is a good chance I will have a 10 pound baby and I really don't want to go through that. I'm going to call the OB and see if he will be willing to induce me a week from Monday. (He does his inductions on Mondays) I'm willing to beg if I have to. I am terrified that I'm going to have a HUGE ass baby!

So, that's my update. I'll hopefully have more specific news next week. I'm driving myself crazy trying to plan this out and I have to just let it go. It's not something that I can control and that's hard for me to deal with. Maybe this is the lesson I have to learn, to be ok with not controlling something that I have no control over.

I know I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I don't have much to say. I'm following this diet and not gaining any weight. I'm not working out. My days seem to be getting busier and busier and that's given me reasons to blow off working out. I know I will regret it later.

I know the fact that I am not gaining is why I don't feel the need to work out. However, I know doing some cardio each day will help me when I deliver this baby. I guess I just don't care. I'm still feeling really weak most days from this diet and don't feel up to it. I honestly cannot wait to get back to my "normal" eating. I do think I've managed to conquer my portion control issues. If I can just manage that, I won't put any weight back on after the baby comes.

That is my fear. With my first daughter I put on all the weight (40 lbs) AFTER she was born. I was depressed and ate whatever I wanted to eat. I'd drive to McDonalds almost every day and eat 2 double cheeseburgers and let my daughter sleep. I can't let that happen this time.

I think my mind set right now is "wait until the baby comes and then I'll get back on track." I know it's not the best mentality, but it is what it is. At the most I have 3 weeks to go. I know I won't be able to work out for a few weeks (and my gym membership expires on October 1) but if I can get into some sort of routine while my husband is home, it might make it easier once he goes back to work to stick with it. He'll be home for 6 weeks which will take us to Thanksgiving.

I think it's so interesting that the majority of the blogs I read are stalling as well. Is it the time of year? Are people just getting busier?

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say I'm still alive. No baby yet. I get an ultrasound on Friday to see how big the baby is and then my OB will tell me if they are going to induce me before my due date or not. The appointment was supposed to be today but it was cancelled. I am so bummed! I'm kind of a control freak so I was looking forward to coming up with a plan. I will keep you posted once I know what's going on.

Do you know what scares me? Never being satisfied with how I look or what I weigh. In high school I weighed all of 170 lbs max. I thought I was a fat cow and hated my body.

When I got married I weighed 185 and bought a smaller wedding dress swearing to myself I'd lose enough weight to fit into it. Did I? Hell no. All I did was find out the dress I selected could not be altered and I had to order a new one 2 weeks before my wedding. Talk about stress!

I read so many blogs and so many people look just fine to me. They've lost weight and are still not happy. They want to lose just 20 lbs more or want to fit into a size (fill in the blank.)

What if that is me? I don't want to spend the rest of my life never being satisfied with how I look or how much I weigh. Is it going to be impossible for me to love my body no matter what?

I swore when I turned 40 that I would not spend another decade hating my body. On Sunday I will turn 42 and haven't changed much. I am still not happy with the way I look and want to lose weight. My goal weight is 175. Will that satisfy me? Will that make me happy? Why is my happiness tied to my body and how it looks?

I'm not saying I spend each and every moment hating the way I look and dwelling on the fact that I am overweight. But, each time I pass a mirror I cringe just a little. Then all those thoughts creep into my brain about how I'm letting myself down and how much my life could improve if only I could lose 50 lbs etc.

I don't want to live like this anymore. And, let's say I do get to 175. Will I be happy? Will I just find other things to hate about myself?

I know it's a little silly to think about all this now. I'm 8 months pregnant and let's face it, I can't really diet right now. Even after the baby comes it's going to take me a while until I can really work out and focus on eating healthy most of the time. I just want to love my body so my daughters will know that you don't have to be a size 8 to be happy. You can be a size 28 and be just as happy. Maybe not as healthy, but it is possible to be happy at that size isn't it?

I don't want to pass this legacy down. I want this to end with me. I am very careful about saying anything negative about myself to my daughter. I have never said that I am fat in front of her. I never intend to. When she's in the bathroom and I weigh myself I never even react. When I weight her I cheer her on for whatever she weighs.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. The thought just occurred to me tonight that I might never be satisfied with my body and that makes me incredibly sad. I have so much to be thankful and happy for in my life and to spend any time being sad about a body that is adored by my daughter makes no sense to me. She loves me just the way I am, and by the way so does my husband. I need to give myself that unconditional love and figure out how I got this way so I don't pass it down.

I have been thinking about my diet and exercise lately and trying to figure a few things out. Sometimes typing them out on my blog helps me to understand why I do certain things.

I have not exercised in over a week. I've used the tornado as an excuse, but the gym is back to normal (minus a few trees) and I can go anytime I want. Today is the day. I am going to work out if it kills me. I really need to take advantage of this last month because I will be suspending my membership as of October 1. They do not watch children under 3 months old in their daycare so I'm not going to continue paying for a membership hoping my husband will be able to watch the kids in the evening. It won't happen and I'm not wasting $65/month. I'm not saying I won't work out. I have a bike and treadmill in my basement that are adequate. Quite old, but they work.

Over this past week my sugars have been a little off. It's no mystery why, I probably went out to eat and didn't know the carb count of the foods I'm eating. Overall, I am still doing fairly well. These past few evenings my sugar has been a little high so I haven't had any dessert. It's not even a big deal to me anymore. It's just fact, high sugar = no dessert that night.

Then this morning I was thinking about it and why can't the number on the scale have the same affect on my thinking? If I'm a pound up in the morning, why don't I think about that in the evening and say "No dessert Michelle, the scale was a little high this morning" Why is my sugar count being high enough to stop myself but not the number on the scale?

Is it because what I do now affects the baby and not just myself? Is it because I can't remember what I did 10 hours before and forget the number on the scale? I'm just curious as to why one number has to much power but the other doesn't. I think if I can figure this out, I might be able to crack some of the mysteries of why I eat what I eat and when I eat it.

I've also been thinking about exercise and why I haven't missed it at all this week. Ever since I've been on this diet, I feel weak. My muscles just aren't as strong as they used to be. I'll bet I don't want to work out because I can't do what I could do just a few weeks ago. I am looking forward to the day after the baby comes when I can push myself harder and not wonder if I'm doing any damage to the baby inside of me. Geez, it's not like I'm an Olympic athlete. Me pushing myself is nothing compared to what they do. But, there's always this little voice in my head telling me to take it easy "just in case." I've only got 7 more weeks to go. SEVEN! Did you hear me? SEVEN WEEKS! YIKES!!!!!!!

Opinons are like assholes, everyone's got one and it's damn irritating to me! I saw a different OB today and he gave me a totally different story then the one I saw last week. This one says there is no reason to induce me early and I don't need meds for the GD. Whatever. This is what I get for trying to control and plan my labor! I need to use this as a lesson to just let it go and see what happens. Normally I would but I'm worried about my 4 year old and what we will do if I go into labor in the middle of the night. I don't have family to help so I have to rely on friends which I hate doing.

I haven't been to my gym in over a week. Last weekend we had 2 tornado's touch down close to my house, one took down many of the trees in the parking lot of the gym and their power. They didn't have power for 3 days and as far as I know, no air conditioning. I couldn't talk myself into going once the power came back on. I can't work out in heat. I get sick when I get overheated. If I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't worry as much, but I just can't chance getting sick right now.

I think another reason I'm not really interested in going is because I'm maintaining my weight with this diet. I've actually lost a pound over these last 2 weeks. I think in my brain I think "Why bother working out when I can stay the same weight without out?" I know that working out will make me feel better (I've been unbelievably crabby these last few days) and will help with my delivery of this baby. Why isn't that enough to get my butt to the gym?

I guess there's always a reason to not go to the gym. I will never love exercise. There are people who lose all kinds of weight and then love working out. I don't think that will ever be me. Does it need to be to lose the weight and keep it off? Hopefully not. I don't love eating vegetables and I still do that. There are plenty of things I do that I don't particularly like to do, but I still do them. Maybe that will be how I can view exercise. A necessary evil.

I'm still surviving on this diet. I don't like it and I do crave sugar. I went to a birthday party last weekend and had a piece of cake. The next day I was craving sugar so bad I couldn't believe it. It just shows me once again that I am addicted to sugar and need to really be careful. Once I get over the initial cravings I'm ok, but once I have it again, I want more and more and more.

My daughter starts school in 2 weeks. Time is going to fly by after that and before I know it baby #2 will arrive. Yikes. I need more time...

I saw my OB today and I'm liking him more and more each time I see him. I told him that my last baby was 8 lbs 9 oz and I pushed for 2 hours and he said "This time you will have a 7 lb 9 oz baby with 25 mins of pushing." I LOVE HIM! Wow, would that be great.

My blood levels are still not good in the AM. I am doing pretty well on the diet and following it so this "problem" is not the result of anything I'm doing wrong. If this continues into next week, he is going to put me on some kind of medicine to take at night to level out my blood sugar.

The most exciting news is that he is going to induce me a week early! Only 7 more weeks to go! WOO HOO!!!! I am happy to have a sooner labor and delivery as well as a smaller baby!

Like I said, I'm doing ok on the diet. My main issue right now is writing everything down. I am not doing that and I really need to. I found 2 different apps for my phone to start keeping track on that to see if that helps. I also need to get to the gym. I have been really busy this week and I have to make sure I keep working out for this next 7 weeks. There is a huge part of me that just wants to hang out with my daughter for these last few weeks and not go to the gym. However, I am a much better mom when I make the time to burn off the stress on the treadmill. I also get 2 hours each day of not being a "mom" and just working out, showering and having a few minutes to read. I think next week will be easier to exercise. This week was just really over scheduled and busy.

I'm hanging in there. My attitude is much better than it was last week. I can get through this and not go crazy. I really miss my sweets, but have found some substitutes that will get me through these last few weeks. I still can't believe that in 7 short weeks I'm going to have a baby. Wow.

I will never complain about counting points again. I swear, I will be happy to count each and every point. That is easy compared to what I am doing.

I'm not complaining, honestly I'm not. It's good that I have to keep track of everything so carefully. I have not gained any weight in the last week and haven't really had to do much other than follow the diet.

It's the keeping track that's a pain in my butt. For breakfast, I get 2 carbs (30 grams), 1 meat and 1 fat. Then 2 hours later I get a snack of 1 carb and a meat. For lunch, 4 carbs, 2 meats and a fat, for a snack 2 hours later, 1 carb and a meat, then dinner is the same as lunch and then one more snack. Sounds easy right? Well, it's not. Eating six meals a day is not easy. Eating 6 "good" meals a day is almost impossible. When I get up and 2 hours after each meal I check my blood. So far that hasn't been that bad. 80% of the time I am within my range of where I'm supposed to be. When I'm not, it's pretty obvious as to why.

I've had to make some changes in what I eat as well. I love my sweets. I haven't been buying the WW sweets as much because I'm concerned about chemicals in the "fake" foods. But, I can't give up sweets altogether so I bought some WW desserts today. I tried making some low sugar cookies from scratch yesterday but they weren't that good and my sugar level was high this morning so I've decided to go for the "fake" foods until the baby comes.

Ok, so I guess I'm complaining a little bit. I don't mean to. I do feel better about this whole diet now that I've gone to the grocery store and found some good things I can eat. I will get the hang of it and I'm hoping some of this knowledge will stick in my brain so after the baby comes I can stay on track with healthy eating.

I've also realized that sometimes having 2 full fat cookies is better than 5 or 6 "diet" cookies. I guess I'm learning what's worth the calories and carbs and what's not. Maybe this will be the end of my mindless eating. I have to figure out EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth now. Will I be able to just shove in food without thinking about it later on after the baby comes? I sure hope not. I sure hope I remember how inconvenient this diet is right now and learn from this and not go back to my "old" habits. Maybe there is a reason I get to deal with gestational diabetes and will learn some valuable lessons. Again, I sure hope so.

I had my diabetes class and visit with the nutritionist yesterday. I have to say, it left me sad, confused and just plain old pissed off. I would much rather count points or calories then everything else they expect me to do for this diet.

First of all, I have to prick my finger and test my blood FOUR times a day. And it's not just any old time (ie mid day or evening,) it's 2 hours after I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also have to take it first thing in the am. I don't like keep track of every little thing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- the doctor is the motivator of last resort. I kept hearing during the class that if you have gestational diabetes, you have a 50% change of getting it 5-10 years after having your baby. My daughter will be 5 in 6 months. I always knew my changes of getting it were higher, but not 5-10 years! Boy is that a wake up call.

I hate having to do this diet and draw my blood for the next 9 weeks. I can't even imagine doing it for the rest of my life. I will not. I will lose the weight after the baby comes to lower my risk even more.

I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself right now. Today was day #1 and I failed miserably. I have only taken my blood once and I skipped lunch altogether because that's how the day turned out. I need to get myself on a routine. I know it's doable and I can do it, but it will take me a few days to get into a routine and do it properly.

I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and get over this feeling of being mad that I even have to do this. By tomorrow I will feel better about it all because I have nothing scheduled. I can sit down and really try to figure this out. I would try to explain the diet, but honestly, I don't understand it myself yet. Once I have a handle on it I can explain how it all works.

On a happier note, I have worked out 3 times so far this week. I took the water aerobics class last night at the gym and it totally kicked my butt. Much harder than last time. I loved it. I'm going to start taking that once a week. I worked up a good sweat and more or less kept up with everyone else. There are some things I can't do right now being pregnant, but I could do about 95% of everything.

I guess I should go poke my finger and see how I did with dinner. Wish me luck!

Bummer

I went to the OB last week and was told that I'd hear by Friday if I had gestational diabetes. Friday came and went and no call. I was so happy all weekend.

Until today.....

I got the call. My levels were high and they are just assuming I have gestational diabetes. I feel like a failure. Although, the Dr did make it seem like I can't really avoid it if I had it the first time. I told him I have been really healthy this pregnancy (or at least healthier than my first pregnancy) and he shook his head and said that's good, but if the levels came back high they wouldn't even do the 3 hour test, they'd just consider me a diabetic.

Looking on the bright side, I get to go to the hospital on Wednesday and sit down with a nutritionist that has worked out a diet plan just for me. I can also ask her about exercise and if I am pushing myself hard enough. Doing this might enable me to actually lose weight this last trimester.

One thing that scares me is that gestational diabetes is usually a precursor to having diabetes later in life. Although I am on the right path right now, if I don't change my life for good, I will be diabetic. That scares the crap out of me. I don't want to have to give myself insulin shots or lose a leg later in life.

Maybe this is my wake up call once and for all. I've had a good run. 40 years of basically eating what I want. I guess now is the time to grow up and require more of myself. At least I've been in a good place lately so I can use this as motivation instead of a set back. I have to look at this as a good thing. When I have the baby, the diabetes will go away. Most people get it and have to work really hard to get rid of it. I am lucky. I've gotten a warning and can use this information to change my life.

For those of you who don't believe in the "Law of Attraction" listen up. For the record, I'm not really a huge fan of "The Secret" although it did introduce me to the Law of Attraction. It's kinda hokey to me that they show this genie that will grant your wishes. It doesn't quite work like that. I view it more alone the lines of "Thoughts are things." You can't just wish for something and it will magically appear out of nowhere. You actually have to DO something in order to attract it or bring it into your life.

At the end of last year I was feeling kind of low. I felt like my life wasn't going anywhere and I needed a change. The Church I attend was having a "burning bowl ceremony" and I decided I was going to go. I felt like leaving lots of things behind in 2009 and felt this might help me mentally get started in this process. I don't go to Church often enough. I wish I went more, but I'm lazy when it comes to giving up my sleep on Sunday mornings. However, I have visited this Church over the past few years when I go and have always loved it. They are more liberal than most Churches and accept just about everyone. They also believe that God loves you no matter what and for the record, I do not believe in Hell. So, on New Year's Eve I went to the burning bowl ceremony and I left there feeling great. I felt lighter somehow and optimistic about life and what 2010 had to offer. I will never forget as I was walking out of the Church this old black lady grabs me, hugs me and says "God loves you." Wow, that was strange but so powerful at the same time. One day I will hug some random person and tell then that God loves them. Hopefully they won't call the police.

On Friday my daughter and I walked up to the mailbox to get the mail. I got a letter! A hand written letter. When was the last time you received a hand written letter? I was pretty excited. I got home, opened it up and the letter was from me! During that ceremony we each wrote a letter to God saying what we were thankful for in the coming year. Kind of "attracting" what we wanted by putting it in writing.

(I should probably explain a little more about the ceremony. We each had a small piece of paper and we wrote what we wanted to get rid of in our lives. I put negativity, judging other, etc. Things I do that I didn't want to do anymore. On the top of my list I wrote Infertility. I was tired of thinking about getting pregnant- or I should say not being able to get pregnant. Whatever happened, I wanted the issue to either leave my head- as in give up trying- or go away. Then we all walked up to the front of the Church and threw the paper into the fire.)

What did my letter say you ask? The very first line said "Thank you for allowing me to get pregnant with a healthy baby." I wasn't pregnant on New Year's eve. I got pregnant weeks later in January. Boy did that really jump out at me. I "burned" my issues with infertility and "gave it to God" as some would say and look what happened.

I also write "Thank you for helping me break my addiction to food and letting 2010 be my healthiest year yet." That is true at this time. It might be because of the pregnancy, but I am healthier now than I was last year.

I guess I should say that I also wrote about resolving some family issues which unfortunately did not happen. I guess I haven't really taken action to help those situations resolves themselves, but I guess that gives me something to write about this New Year's eve doesn't it? But, the year isn't over yet. I still have months to work on this one.

My challenge to you is to do your own burning bowl ceremony. Write down what you want to get rid of in your life. Burn the paper and then write down all the things you want to attract into your life. Put the piece of paper away and don't look at it for a while and see what happens. Notice I didn't say write it down and forget about it. You don't want to do that. Write it down and periodically think about it and see what you attract. Also, be thankful for the things that are in your life. If you are always thinking negatively you will attract negativity. If you are thankful for the good things in your life, you will attract more good things. Go ahead, just try it....

My "company" is gone for the time being. They return on Monday for the day and then leave for good on Tuesday. To say this has been a stressful week would be an understatement. However, I have proven to myself that I can have company and not indulge in all the junk I provide for them. My niece is 13 and has a sweet tooth so I usually take the opportunity to have things in the house I don't normally have because there are only 3 of us. When they visit there are 5 of us so I can't eat 3 cinnamon rolls like I would if I were alone.

Although this week has been stressful, I have not turned to food to make me feel better. I have left the house. I went to the store last night and drove around to cool off because I was about to lose it. You'd think having a 13 year old around would be helpful with my 4 year old, but it turns out the 13 year old just thinks it's the funniest thing on earth to tease my 4 year old. Of course, a 4 year old will only take so much of this before she turns mean and gets really pissed off. I spent my week playing referee which was not fun at all. I have shopped, yelled, worked out and hidden in my room but I have not eaten the frustration away.

I have learned from Geneen's book that eating your feelings away will not rid you of those feelings. All it does it keep them at bay for a while. You can either continue eating to avoid feeling them or just feel them and get them over with. I have chosen the second option. I hated being mad and bitchy, but I'd rather do that then eat 1000 calories to try to make myself feel better. I guess it's all in figuring out what you'd rather feel. This week I chose to feel guilty for being a bitch than to hate myself for gaining weight.

Right now I feel proud of myself for not gaining any weight this week. I also feel proud of myself to making time to work out. I went to the gym twice and worked out at home once. All the things I've wished that I had done in the past when I had company I was able to do this time. I feel GREAT about that. It also helped reduce my stress. Working out does that for me. There are times I hate to do it, but I feel so good when it's done.

I've also decided I'm going to start dealing with "the voice." You know the one. That voice in your head that tells you you are stupid, or ugly or fat. I hear the Voice the most when I am standing in front of the mirror. It says "Look at that double chin" or "My God you look like crap today, How can you leave the house like that?" I have decided when I hear the Voice I'm going to say "FUCK YOU" out loud. I'm going to show the Voice it has no power over me and I don't believe it anymore. Why have I given the Voice any power in the past? Why do I believe it? I refuse to anymore. I'm going to start standing up for myself and start realizing how great my body actually is. My body has given me a beautiful baby girl and another one on the way. My body is perfect in my daughters eyes. I'm going to start seeing it that way myself. If any person came up to me and said the things I allow the Voice to say I would tell them to Fuck off. I'm going to start doing the same thing to the Voice. It's time to shut it up for good.

I got back last night from my mini vacation. It was SO NICE to get away with just the hubby for a short trip. I did not eat well. As a matter of fact, we went to a restaurant yesterday and I got DEEP FRIED OREOS! Yes, you read that right. But, in my defense I did share them with my husband. There were 4 Oreos and a scoop of ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce and caramel. To say it was wonderful is an understatement. More than 2 would have been too much. I actually told my husband we should consider buying a deep fryer just to try to recreate them. I won't do it, don't worry. That's just the pregnancy hormones talking.

My out of town company has been here for 5 days now. Yes, it has been stressful. I have not buried myself in food though. I am really trying to be good. One day I told them I was going to the gym and I did. Today I went down into my basement and walked on my treadmill. I am carving out time for me as much as I can. I'm really proud of myself for doing this. My house is full of "bad" foods. I am not eating them.

I don't know if it is the fact that I am going to see my OB on Wednesday and don't want him to bring up the fact that I am gaining too much weight or if what I've learned in Geneen's book has really soaked into my brain. I'd like to think is the later. If this has finally sunk in I might actually win this battle with my weight. I am still thinking about what I put into my mouth before I put it in. I am at times deciding the calories are worth it (the deep fried Oreos) and at other times I have decided it's not.

I don't think I wrote about this before so I'll write about it now quickly. I got a new iPhone about a month ago. I've downloaded several programs to help me track my calorie intake and have found them extremely useful. One night my husband and I were going out to dinner and decided to go to Olive Garden. I started looking up the calories in my favorite dishes. Holy shit! There is no other way to say it. ALL of the dishes I like were over 1000 calories. Most had over 40 grams of fat in them. We decided to go somewhere else for dinner.

I have always been a kind of stick my head in the sand person. I don't want to know the calorie content of my favorite foods. Those days are over. If I'm going to consume 500 calories on something, I need to make myself aware of it before I do it. Sticking my head in the sand all these years has gotten me in the mess I'm in now. It's time to take my weight loss efforts seriously. I feel like I'm finally in the right frame of mind. Of course I'm 7 months pregnant which makes it difficult to lose weight, if not impossible. I just need to keep going with my thinking so after the baby comes, I can continue to maintain the healthy habits that I'm starting now. If I maintain my exercise program I'm on now, there will be no stopping me! I will be at my goal weight by next Spring. Just wait and see.

I really want another chocolate cupcake right now. Am I hungry? No. Maybe bored? I'm trying to figure out "why" I want the cupcake. I'm actually pretty full. I just ate a late dinner. I had caesar salad with a grilled chicken breast. I had one cupcake with about one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I'm not kicking myself about having one because I do not deny myself one dessert each night.

Why do I want another cupcake so desperately? I'm really trying to figure this out but I'm coming up blank. I read more of Geneen's book today. It's all making sense to me. I know that food will not cure my problems in life. I know food will not cure my past issues. I know that food won't even really make me feel better in the long run.

If I had another cupcake right now I'd probably feel sick to my stomach because I am so full. I don't want to feel like that. When I feel like that, that's when I start feeling disgusted with myself. But, it's also the feeling I crave. Why? Does it give me comfort knowing that my stomach is overfilled? It shouldn't. But yet it does. I just cannot for the life of me figure out why. Why does feeling so physically sick appeal to me? It has to appeal to me or I wouldn't (time and time again) eat so much I am overstuffed. What is my payoff? (as Dr Phil would say.)

I wish it were easy and I could say "I do this because..." Some days it is easy. Some days I can identify why I want to eat badly. Tonight is not one of those nights.

However......

I have stopped myself. I didn't eat the cupcake. I've been thinking about it for about a half an hour now and didn't just impulsively stuff one into my mouth. I've stopped my behavior, thought about it and now I am modifying it so I don't eat the cupcake. I guess if this is all I can do for the time being, it's enough. I still have more work to do, but stopping my habit, or instinct or desire is a big step in the right direction.

This past week has been a really good week. I forget how good I feel when I work out on a semi daily basis. I've gotten in 4 work outs and have lost a pound. It was a pound and a half but I ate out 2 times over the weekend and I've gained back a half a pound. Totally worth it.

I've started reading the book "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I bought it a couple of months ago and it's been sitting on a shelf since then. Geneen was recently on Oprah again and I promised myself I would actually read the book. So far it's pretty good. There have been a few instances while reading it and I've thought "Oh my God, that's me!"

I have been thinking about how I use food as more than just energy for my body. I went to book club last week and there was a new person there. I am extremely nervous around people I don't know and especially hate talking around them. After I got home I started to dwell on all the things I said and thought "I can't believe I said that. I am so stupid" and started feeling bad about myself. What did I do? I reached for chocolate. After about 3 mini Hershey bars I stopped myself and asked "Why am I eating this?" I told myself that I was eating it because I was feeling embarrassed and stupid about some of the things I had said. Then I asked myself if I was really hungry, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if eating chocolate would make me feel less embarrassed and the answer again was no. So, I stopped eating. I just walked away.

I felt so good about this afterwards. I'm really starting to link my mindless eating to other things. Maybe it really isn't about food. Maybe it's about something else and other feelings.

(pg 53) Geneen writes: "Sometimes people will say "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it just be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pat attention to it. When you like something- love something- you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love: that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it."

That page really got to me. So true. I know there are reasons I've over eaten. I know there are things in my past that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I numb myself with food. But, that was then. I am starting to work on getting into the "now." Another quick quote from the book "Staying means recognizing that when you want to bolt, you are living in the past. You are taking yourself to be someone who no longer exists. Staying requires being curious about who you actually are when you don't take yourself to be a collection of memories. When you don't infer your existence from replaying what happened to you, when you don't take yourself to be the girl your mother/father/brother/teacher/lover didn't see or adore. When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you?"

I don't know if I've ever asked myself "Who am I now?" I've always seen myself as a girl with no parents. As a girl who was abandoned by her father. As a girl who would date anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention to prove that she is worthy of love. But, "who" am I now? I'm not that person anymore. Why can't I see that? Why can't I move beyond all those labels I have placed on myself and see myself for who I am now?

This is what I'm working on. If this is the only thing I get from this book, it was worth the $10. At the very least I am starting to ask myself if I am really hungry when I reach for food. If not, I'm trying to figure out what other feeling I am pushing aside so I don't eat whatever it is I want to eat. I guess it really isn't about the food after all.

Can I just say....

I LOVE my pregnancy boobs. Honestly, it's the best part of being pregnant. They are getting fuller because they are getting ready to produce milk which means they aren't saggy and awful anymore. It's refreshing to me to actually like a body part that I've never particularly cared for. I'm so used to disliking most of my body parts so it feels good to actually like something for a change. I wish I could apply that to my expanding belly.

Yesterday was a fantastic day for me! I had a GREAT work out and a very healthy day of eating. When I was working out, for a split second, I felt like I felt before I was pregnant. Like I could do anything. I think I've broken through my cautiousness about working out while pregnant. I worked up a really good sweat and felt great when I was done.

As of yesterday I have managed to maintain my weight this past week. As of this morning, I have actually lost a half a pound. I am eating just as much food (so don't worry that I am starving my baby) I'm just making healthier choices. I have also banned sugar from my diet until after dinner. I might have ONE piece of fruit with lunch (an apple with my sandwich yesterday) but that is better than a handful of chips.

I think at this point my OB has motivated me. I was pretty humiliated when he told me at my last appointment that I had gained 7 pounds in the past month and needed to really watch it. I knew it was bad. I weighed myself before I left. I was still pretty humiliated that someone had to verbally tell me that. Instead of being angry at him, I have turned it into motivation to NOT gain 7 pounds this month. I did not go home and eat a bag of M&M's to make myself feel better. I started planning how I could avoid gaining weight.

Which bring me to another subject. Have you read the blog "Banks Lee and the 3 clicks?" I started reading it after Yahoo did a story on him. Apparently he went to the new Harry Potter park and could not fit into a seat for a new ride. Instead of getting mad, he has gone on a diet and has a goal to ride the ride by the end of the year. I think it's great that instead of getting mad at Universal, he's used this as motivation to lose weight and is trying to inspire others along the way. It's a good lesson to not blame others for our own actions. We put ourselves in the position we are in. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to eat "junk" food. I did that all by myself and now I have to get myself out of this mess. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do it.....

I wonder why the majority of my favorite bloggers are all taking time off from blogging right now. Is it because it's harder to lose weight during the Summer and they don't want to admit they aren't doing well? Is it because they are so busy and active that they don't have time to blog? I miss them. I draw inspiration from them. It's funny how I think I really "know" these people when I have never met them. I wonder what they are doing and how they are doing. Pretty random thought I know, but I've just been wondering what's been going on.

So, my trip was not the great success that I'd hoped it would be. However, I did realize that I have an addiction to sugar. It's gotten worse. I went to my BFF's house in PA and we ate a lot of junk. The "junk" that we ate was mostly desserts. As far as the meals go, they weren't totally bad. I managed to balance my foods pretty well it was the sugar that took me overboard. I've read before that eating sugar (and sugar substitutes) just makes you crave more sugar. I never sat down to think about it much, but this past week has made me take a look at what I've been doing.

In about 3 1/2 weeks I will get tested for gestational diabetes. I would like to pass the test, but there is a small part of me that wants to fail so I am forced to control myself. I listen to this podcast and the guy always says the doctor is the "motivator of last resort" and it's so true. If a doctor tells me that I have to control my sugar intake or give myself shots, I'll bet I will start controlling myself. How sad is that? I am a grown woman. I am capable of controlling myself now. Why don't I?

This week I will. My goal for the week is to only have one dessert at night after dinner if I want it. I've been snacking on sugary stuff all day long for weeks now. It's pretty mindless when I grab a cookie and eat it. I think I also have to (sigh.....) start writing down everything I eat. I have success when I do that and I have no idea why I just can't force myself to do it. I was doing pretty well on WW when I did it. Isn't that enough for me to do it again?

I will give myself credit for not giving up. I am constantly thinking about ways to get back on track and I am still working out. I got home on Tuesday and worked out twice at the gym this week. I think there are some women who might just give up until after they give birth. I refuse to do that. I will keep fighting to stay healthy until this baby is born and then get back to my regular "diet" after that. I refuse to give up. I just have to find what works for me now and do it consistently.

And for anyone who might be reading this that is also a blogger, I miss you. Please come back!

I've been doing pretty well. I have my OB appointment in a week and a half and I've only gained 2 pounds this month. Lately I've just been eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. Hmmm, why can't I do that all the time?

The one thing I've been reading lately is to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I haven't been doing that. I've been eating one really big meal for lunch and a light snack for dinner. It seems to be working for me. I know in other countries they have their main meal at lunch and supposedly it's supposed to be healthier. I can tell you that so far, for me it's true.

This is going to be a tough week for me. I'm leaving town on Wednesday to go to PA to visit my BFF. The one thing we have consistently had in common is that we struggle with our weight and eat whatever we want when we are together. I don't know how we got into this "rut" but it has defined our relationship. I love her, she's like a sister to me. She has always supported me in my weight loss efforts and I've supported her. But, when we get together we seem to have a "f*ck it" attitude and try our best to pig out. I have no idea why we do this.

If I can't control what I eat I will try to control how much of it I eat. Luckily I can't eat as much in one sitting because the baby is getting so big. I'm really going to try to not pig out the whole time I am gone. I'm going to be more conscious of what I put in my mouth.

One of the "joys" of pregnancy I forgot about is leg cramps. For those of you who have never had them, I hope you never do. About 6 am on Friday morning I was woken up by a leg cramp. The most intense pain I think I have ever felt, and I've had a baby. It usually only lasts for maybe 45 seconds (I am lucky in that they don't last longer) but it is 45 seconds of pure hell. My leg has been sore since then. It has slowly but surely gotten better. It feels about 90% better today. It felt good enough to go to the gym and walk, but if I keep getting these periodically, it's going to seriously impact my work out routine.

Have a safe and healthy July 4th weekend and don't eat too much!!!

It is nice to report that I've been happy with my progress lately. My daughter had THREE birthday parties to attend over the past weekend. She's at the age where I still have to stay with her for these parties. I ate about 4-5 cupcakes/pieces of cake over the course of the weekend. However, I have managed to work out. Because of that, I have only gained a half a pound over this past week. I've ramped up my work out and it's paying off.

I will be happy as long as I can maintain a slow weight gain or if I'm really lucky, no weight gain at all. I've only got 18 more weeks to go until the baby is due. I can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday that I was nauseas and finding out that I am pregnant. Time flies!

I've also been trying to work on my negative self talk. I see and hear other people doing it all the time. Especially when I am giving them a compliment. 100% of the time they say "No, that's not true" or "I sure don't feel that way" etc. WHY is it so hard for people to just say "Thank you. I feel great too" or something along those lines. I saw a friend today that has been dieting for a long time and she looked great. I told her so and she immediately said "Yeah well, I haven't been losing anymore weight" I'm going to work on saying "Thank you" when people give me a compliment. I'm going to try to believe it when people say nice things to me. Instead of going immediately to the negative, I'm going to try to go to the positive.

I'm also going to work on giving myself compliments. I am always telling myself how bad I look or how I don't do enough in pretty much every area of my life. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. Yeah, my house is not always spotless, but part of being a good mom is telling myself that the dishes or vacuuming can wait while I play with my daughter instead of clean.

Even though the week is half over, my goal is to give myself at least 3 compliments a day and appreciate myself a little bit more. Maybe if I start liking myself more I will want to take care of myself and dieting and exercising will come easier to me.

I worked out 3 times this week. That was my goal and I did it. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I could have done more. My stomach really hurt for a few days there after I had the food poisoning, so I did what I could do and I'm proud of that.

Last night we ordered Chinese food and I came to a realization today when I woke up feeling like crap. I am so focused on eating foods that are lower in points or low in fat, that I'm not concentrating enough on eating healthy foods. I need to start eating cleaner foods. I need to start eating whole grains and fruits and veggies. If I concentrated more on eating healthy foods, the weight loss will follow.

I've been able to keep my portion sizes to a smaller size and I know the other basics of losing weight. This should be a no brainer for me. However, after all these years of dieting, there are lots of "shoulds" in my past. I should be at my goal by now. I should not have such a problem losing the weight. I've got the knowledge of how to do it for the most part. Now I just have to figure out why I'm not implementing that knowledge.

I was reading a book about autism and babies written by Jenny McCarthy. Without going into too much detail, it was kind of depressing and overwhelming. According to her I have already screwed up my unborn baby. I've eaten the wrong things, used the wrong products, even purchased the wrong furniture for my house! It scared me. It is very overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I think step #1 should be to clean up my diet. Less processed foods and more whole foods.

Maybe if I do this I will feel less sick all the time. It's not a nauseous feeling, it's feeling like a car that's running on crappy fuel. I'm not eating for nutrition anymore. I'm eating because of boredom, laziness and cravings. This has got to stop.

I guess the first place to go tomorrow is either Trader Joes or Whole Foods. We are lucky enough to have both within about a half an hour from my house.

My goals for this coming week are to work out at least 3 times and to clean up my diet so I'm eating more nutritious foods. Not lower in fat or calories, but higher in nutrition. Wish me luck!

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight over this past Holiday weekend. The bad news is that I got a mild case of food poisoning and didn't eat much at all yesterday. I have a feeling that is what helped me not to gain weight.

Food poisoning is not fun to have when you are not pregnant, but when you are pregnant it can be a little scary. You get waves of pain in your stomach that feel like contractions. But, your stomach doesn't tighten up with food poisoning, it just hurts. I kept getting these waves of pain and half way through the day I started wondering if I was going into labor. Not a rational thought, but it was there freaking me out. I feel better today but still not 100%.

And, because it was pretty mild I was able to go to the gym yesterday. Not a great workout, but I moved my body for 45 minutes, 15 on the bike and 30 on the treadmill. I felt proud of myself although I know I didn't get my heart rate up very much.

My goal for June is to work out at least 3 times a week and to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD at least once a week. More if I like it. I just haven't taken the time to actually try it yet.

This week is my 20th week so I'm officially half way through this pregnancy. It seems like just yesterday I was freaking out because I found out I was pregnant. At least now I'm freaking out about what to do with 2 kids and not about how much weight I'll gain. I'm kind of over that feeling now. There are days when I'm so good and have done everything and the scale still goes up. It's going to do that. I'm growing a baby. There is some relief in knowing that it's out of my hands somewhat. I'm not saying I can eat ice cream all day long and just shrug and say there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just saying that even doing my absolute best with eating and exercise will not help me to lose weight because for once in my life, that is not the goal. It feels good to obsess about other things for now and not my weight.

Life got in the way

I really wanted to come out here and say I've been doing a stellar job and tracking everything that goes into my mouth and doing fantastic. However, that unfortunately is not the case. "Life" has been getting in the way. I have had an extremely busy week and have not had any time to do the things I should be doing for "me."

Welcome to Motherhood.

My daughter had her last day of school and an end of the year picnic. We had a few play dates scheduled. Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. I could have gotten up early to work out. I didn't. I could have made healthier choices, I didn't.

I think the only thing saving me from completely hating myself is the fact that I've been having fun. I'm not sitting around worrying about what I'm not doing. I'm trying to stay "in the moment" with what I'm doing these days. I'm trying to enjoy what I'm actually doing and not thinking about what I'm not doing. I know this will be a fleeting feeling, but I'm taking advantage of it while it's here.

I am also not gaining any weight. I will say it again, it feels so freakin' good to not count every damn calorie. To say "To hell with it" and enjoy myself (in moderation) I know that once this baby comes I will feel like I have to watch it all again so that means I've got 20 more weeks to ride this feeling out and try to enjoy life a little bit more.

I have managed a few work outs this week and I plan on continuing to go to the gym. I still have the problem of having to go to the bathroom every half an hour. That really disrupts a good work out! I had the idea the other day that next week I'm going to try to get up a little earlier and get 30 mins of exercise in here at home. Then, later in the day I will take my daughter to the gym and work out another 30 mins. That will total an hour a day which is fine for me.

I have been telling myself that I also need to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD. I don't want to put it off any longer. I need to get more flexible before I have this baby. It makes it much easier to push a baby out when you can basically wrap your feet around your head and push.

So, once again I have loosey goosey plans. Today it is not bothering me that I am not doing better. Tomorrow it might, but for today I am going to visit with an old friend while my daughter has a play date and not worry that I am not going to the gym.

This is going to be a very quick and short post. I just wanted to report that I found out today I'm having a GIRL!! YIPEEEE!!!!! I'll write more later in the week!

This week I am going to stick to my goals. I feel so unbelievably good physically that I cannot let another week of being "so so" go by. My typical week starts like this:

Monday is the best day. I stick to my goals, work out and do great.

Tuesday- I am so proud of myself for being good on Monday that I slip just a little. A candy bar or a missed work out.

Wednesday I tell myself that I blew it on Tuesday so why even bother trying to be good?

Thursday- Well, it's almost the weekend and who diets on the weekend?

The rest of the week is just shit. That is the only way to describe it.

What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for this huge wave of motivation that will tide me over so I can have a full "good" week. When am I going to start requiring more of myself and actually be honest with myself? I keep telling myself that " (fill in the blank) and I'll be good" Maybe on Monday, or a certain date on the calendar or whatever I choose it to be. Why can't I just start NOW?

I've been feeling good for weeks now (meaning the nausea is gone) and I'm still eating crap. I had pizza for lunch. I wasn't even craving it. It was easy and fast. I am just feeling defeated today as far as my dieting goes.

This is my plan: I'm going to sit down right now and figure out what I'm going to eat this week. I'm going to figure out my schedule so I know which days I can work out. I'm going to stick to my plan. If it's all figured out and written down that will take the emotion out of it for me. I will know what days I'm eating which foods and that's that. I really need a "good" week. I really need it to boost my self esteem. Wish me luck.

I took a mini vacation last weekend and blew it. I gained THREE pounds over the weekend! I didn't think it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short time, but dammit! It is! Oh well. I've been doing fairly well since then so I have high hopes that maybe I won't gain much more this month.

I've water walked a few times since last week. I just don't feel like it's a great cardio work out. I enjoy it and can do it for much longer than any cardio machine, but what's the point if I'm not getting my heart rate up? I guess it is better than nothing. I took today off because I have a pain in my left side. I'm pretty sure it's ligaments stretching, but just to be safe I took it easy today.

I read a great quote today and wanted to post it here:

"Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that place in your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Wow, if I could only do that I probably wouldn't have a weight problem. I have been doing pretty well with not dwelling on all the things I'm not/can't do right now, but I do still dwell on things that happened years ago. Family issues, stupid mistakes I've made etc. I wish I could just move on and get over it, but when I'm laying there in bed not able to sleep all those thoughts creep into my head and I get all worked up.

I think I will need therapy to get over some of these issues. My dad left us when I was 5 and my mom died when I was 13, so my childhood was pretty messed up. I still have some anger issues surrounding all of these events. One day I think I'm over them and the next day I'm angry again. I'm angry that my daughter doesn't have grandparents. I'm angry that I didn't have much of a childhood. I'm angry about lots of things and I wonder if a big reason I eat is because food makes me feel better. I need to figure out how to get over this anger and stop eating to avoid it. I need to get it out of my system once and for all so I can continue with my life.

Boy, I did not think this post was going to go there. LOL. I guess you just never know what's going to come out once you start typing.

OH, one big thing I want to report is my doctor called yesterday and said that the "normal" chances for a woman my age of having a baby with Downs Syndrome is 1 in 45. After the genetic testing i had my chances have gone down to 1 in 8100! I am SO RELIEVED. I was really worried about that. Next Tuesday I find out if I'm having a boy or girl.

This is one of those days where I feel like I could go on and on but I won't. I'll save my thoughts for another day. I wanted to talk about The Biggest Loser, but I'm still trying to put my thoughts together about that.

I am happy to report that the water walking was a success! My friend was 10 mins late so I ended up walking for an hour and 10 mins in the water. I'm not sore today so I wonder how good of a work out it was. I was moving for that period of time so it can't be bad, but it didn't really feel like a work out. My back was not sore at all last night or today so I know it's the work out for me! I just wish my heart rate monitor worked in the water so I could tell how much of a cardio work out I'm really getting.

At one point we both grabbed a kick board and tried it. It was a joke! Both of us were hanging onto our boards, kicking away and not moving at all! I have no idea what we were doing wrong! Every time we tried to actually go anywhere it didn't work. I still haven't figured that one out! It was fun though. I would also like to find some kind of music player that is water proof. I can see how it can get boring walking back and forth for an hour. I had a friend to talk to yesterday, but that won't always be the case.

I am going to try the actual water aerobics class soon. I will most likely wait until my daughter is out of school for the Summer because the class doesn't start until 7 pm. I don't like to keep her out late on school nights so we'll just wait 2 weeks and then I'll try it.

I've also realized that I will need a maternity bathing suit. I had an old suit that is size 22/24 and the top is huge but the bottom where my baby belly goes is tight. I can maybe get away with it for another week or two, but that's about it. I guess it's a good investment if I'm going to continue working out in the water.

I saw my OB today. I gained 6 lbs this month. He wasn't worried because I only gained a pound at my last visit. It worried me a little, but I'm refusing to dwell on it. I had a great vacation and ate a lot. That will not happen on a monthly basis so next month should be better as far as weight gain goes. I find out on the 25th of this month the sex of the baby. I am SO EXCITED! The best part is my 4 year old will get to go with us so she will be part of the experience. Life is good!!!

No more pity party here! I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done being mean to myself because I'm not doing what I think is "enough."

I'm ready to just relax and enjoy this pregnancy. It will be my last one. I'm not going to worry about what "might happen" if I gain too much weight. Hell, I'm not even going to weigh myself anymore. I haven't in about 3 or 4 days and I have no intention of starting today.

I'm NOT saying I'm giving up working out or trying to eat right. I'm not relaxing that much. I'm just going to stop worrying about it. It's not doing me one damn bit of good to sit here, beating myself up telling myself how badly I'm doing and how much I'm letting myself down each day. I'm soooo tired of thinking about food, weight, fat, etc.

I'm trying a new approach. I'm going to eat when I'm hungry and work out when I feel up to it. I walked 35 mins on the treadmill yesterday and had to stop because I had to pee. That was what I was able to do yesterday. Today I am meeting my friend at the gym and we are (finally!) going to walk in the water. I'm hoping to do that for at least 45 mins.

I see my OB tomorrow so I'm going to ask him about the pain I get after working out. If he recommends a chiropractor, I will try it to see what happens. I've heard that if you see a chiropractor during pregnancy, it can help with labor and delivery and make it easier. We'll see.

On a totally unrelated topic, tomorrow I will get a slip to schedule an ultrasound so I can find it out if it's a boy or a girl. I'm sure the "experts" are looking for other things as well, but my main goal is to find out what the sex of the baby is. Then the shopping begins! I'm SO EXCITED to find out! I really hope the baby cooperates and we can tell. I would be so disappointed if they couldn't see because the baby was in the wrong position. I'll keep you posted!

I know this is going to sound like I'm complaining again, but here I go. I've been working out at the gym. I've been doing about 30-45 of cardio on most days, mainly the treadmill. About 2 work outs ago I started getting a sharp pain down my butt and into my left leg. I recognized it as the sciatica pain I had the last time I was pregnant.

Sciatica is a very painful, sharp pain that is caused basically by the weight in the front of your body curving your spine forward. I have noticed my belly sticking out more because the baby is growing. The cure? Well, actually nothing. Maybe seeing a chiropractor could help. Maybe not. I am going to ask my OB about it next week, but here's my question. What kind of cardio can I do that won't affect my sciatic nerve?

The treadmill is what seems to make it flare up. I am fine until I go to the gym and I'm in pain the rest of the day. I have eliminated any incline when I walk to see if that helps as well as play around with the speed. One thing an article I read said to try is water exercises. I was thinking about water walking. Has anyone ever done that? My gym has a pool that about 4 ft deep and I do see people walking back and forth in it. I just wonder if that will be a good form of cardio. I guess the only way to really find out is just to do it.

I'm a litte nervous going to the pool. It's kind of like going to the weight area for the first time. Intimidating and scary. Like people might laugh at me because I am walking while everyone else is swimming. You may be asking yourself "Why doesn't she just swim?" Well, for the simple fact that I am basically blind without my glasses. After running into a wall a few times because I couldn't see it, I gave up on swimming. Another reason I feel funny about going into the pool- I have to wear my glasses.

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I finally get over the nausea and get all hyped up to start working out again and now this. So many people are telling me not to worry, I'm pregnant, take it easy etc. I know I'm pregnant. I feel like I need to control myself. I don't want to be able to run 5 miles or limit my calories severely. I just want to gain a reasonable amount of weight while being pregnant.

It would be so easy to give it all up for the next six months. Just sit on the couch and eat. But, where will that leave me when the baby comes? Probably 50 pounds heavier and miserable. I "gave up" on myself for so many years. That is how I got to 250 lbs. I don't want to give up. I want to find what works for me and do it. But, doing that will requires some failures and finding what doesn't work.

New week, new plan

I checked out sparkpeople.com and found out that I can really use the website to help track my calorie intake each day. It's a really good set up and if I can get into the habit of getting on my computer several times a day to track things, I think I'll be able to follow the plan. They also give you sample menus for the week. Just for kicks I looked at what my grocery list would be for a week and boy was it long! It's much more food than I would normally buy.

I feel I do better when I eat the same things for several meals. For instance, each day I will eat 2 hard boiled egg whites, a banana and some carb for breakfast. As long as I don't do this for too long I tend to do well following a diet.

My goals for this week are to write down (enter into the computer) all my food and drink intake and to work out at least 3 times this week. I have a pretty boring week ahead so I don't think any of this will be a problem. I will also make sure I get all my water in the for the week. I've gotten sloppy and know that I'm not drinking enough.

I really don't want to gain any more weight this month before my next OB appointment. If I can keep on track, that shouldn't be a problem. I gained enough last week when I was in Disney.

I did not get to use that elliptical type machine last week like I planned to. I was kind of mad because they changed all the channels in front of all the cardio machines at the gym. They do not have Oprah on at 4:00 any longer. I really liked watching her show on Monday, Wed and Fridays when I went a little later because my daughter was in school. It really made my work outs go faster and would keep me on the machine for a whole hour. I got into a routine and they had to mess with it! Oh well, I'll survive!

Back to the gym

Yesterday was my first work out in I don't know how long. I was shocked at how much cardio endurance I have lost. I am not beating myself up, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I feel like I am back at square one. I could only do 10 mins on one of my favorite machines that 2 months ago I was on for 45 mins minimum. It's kind of like an elliptical machine that I just love to do. Yesterday was hard.

I wish I could say I'm at the bottom and will just work my way up. I wish I could feel really positive about going back and working out. I just feel defeated right now. Like I have wasted all that progress I had made. So, I guess I am beating myself up a little. I know how hard it was to build up that muscles and cardio endurance before. I honestly thought I'd be behind a little, but not as much as I so obviously am.

I was going to take the day off today but my daughter really wants to go play at the gym today so I'm going. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time. We all want instant results. It just doesn't happen that way. It takes hard, hard work to get to where we want to be.

I don't really have a choice right now. I have to get back in shape. I will have a much harder and longer labor if my cardio endurance isn't what it should be. I still have a lot of time though. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself will not do a damn thing. I'm going to go to the gym today and give it 100%. I'm going to use that machine and try to stay on for 15 minutes. I'm going to push myself more and more each day and before I know it I will be back where I was and feeling great.

Goal reached

I did it. I "only" gained 3.5 lbs during my vacation! My goal was to gain less than 5 and I did! I'm really happy about that. With all the food I ate 3.5 is a good number. When you have the Disney dining plan, you get dessert with your "counter service" meal and your "sit down" meal which means 2 desserts a day. I do have to hand it to Disney, they are adding more fruits and veggies to their meals. They are also trying to steer kids in a healthy direction with their meals as well. They include veggies and fruits and if you want a cookie or fries, you can substitute that but you have to ask for it. It's much better than it used to be.

Tomorrow I am heading back to the gym. I have a HUGE blister on my foot so I'm going to take today off. I actually did a LOT of walking while I was in Disney. I was sore every morning so the slower walking I did helped with the weight gain as well.

Today is my "getting back on track" day. I just want to get all the dirty clothes washed and everything put away. Tomorrow I am going to try to sit down and work out my 2000 calorie diet. I think for the first week or two I will need to write down everything I will eat until I get it in my brain what 2000 calories a day feels like. I know it's totally doable, I just need to find out what foods are how many calories. I've been counting points for so long and I haven't been keeping track of calories.

I also feel 100% better as far as the nausea goes. That is gone for good and not coming back. I'm feeling optimistic about being healthy from here on out with this pregnancy. I do have a few more trips scheduled, but it's not an all inclusive type thing like it was with Disney. I will have much more control over what I eat and when I eat it.

I have a great time but I'm glad to be back and feeling like I will get back on track 100% in just a day or two. It feels good to be in control and optimistic about my health right now.