I am getting ready to have pizza for dinner. Yesterday morning I was 210.5. This morning I was 213.5. I had pasta yesterday, and we went to a Polish diner at the local AmVet's hall. Something we've never done before, but wanted to try. I said to myself "Fu*k it, I'll get back on track tomorrow." I know I will get back on track tomorrow, Mondays are usually great days for me, but why am I giving up today? I haven't worked out in 5 days. I've had an unusually busy week with no time to work out. That is why I am in my fu*k it mood. I should work out today. I should have a salad or chicken breast for dinner. FU*K IT! I'm gettin' the pizza and enjoying every bite!

I've been doing ok lately. Just ok. I'm back to my pre Disney weight and that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is the speed at which I am losing weight. I feel like I am working so hard at this (most days) and I should be seeing more progress on the scale.

A friend of mine just joined Weight Watchers and she lost 5 lbs her first week. She only has about 15 to lose total. I was really jealous. I've never had a 5 pound loss in one week! I think 3 is my highest and I've got another 40 lbs to lose!

I know I'm doing it the right way this time. I know "slow and steady wins the race." I know all of this in my head, but my heart still breaks when I see that I've only lost one pound in a week.

I have also been very busy this week and haven't had enough time in my day to exercise. I've worked out twice so far this week and tomorrow isn't looking good. Maybe Saturday, but I have a baby shower to go to so I'm not sure if I'll find the time. Last week I worked out SIX times. This week it might only be 2, 3 if I'm lucky. I actually took Sunday off thinking that my week looked pretty clear so I should have had time to go to the gym every day. Boy, was I wrong! I guess I've learned that I need to always take the opportunity to work out when I have it, because you never know what will come up the following day.

I've made some pretty good choices this week and I've done good overall. I need to stop dwelling on what I haven't done and start thinking about all the good things I have done. There have been lots of good choices this week. I've had to eat out a few times and I've made good choices and haven't overeaten. Why do I still feel like I could have done so much more? Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Why can't I celebrate my successes, even if their small ones? Why are the failures thought about so much more than the successes? These are all things that I need to think about and try to figure out so I don't make the same mistakes I've made in the past.

I know I'm kind of rambling today. I feel "off." Maybe a little sad. I took my daughter to a play date today and nobody talked to me. I tried to make small talk and talk to the other moms I didn't know, but they all knew each other and were in their own conversations. I felt like I was in high school again. All I could think of was "they probably don't like me because I'm fat" It's so ridiculous! I hate feeling this way. I'm not a bad person. I'm just shy and don't really approach people I don't know very often. I'm going to stop now. I could just ramble on and on and on and on........ but I won't. Not tonight.

My realization

I've changed the name of my blog. I've been watching tv and I've seen quite a few shows lately on drug and alcohol addicts. I was surprised to learn that I can apply just about all their problems to myself and food. I guess I've never really bought into the idea that I am a food addict. I'm not as bad as a drug addict am I? Well, in all reality, yes I am.

I constantly think about food. I enjoy my food more than I should. I use food for things more than fuel for my body. I don't think about the consequences because I want the instant gratification. At times I try to hide my eating.

Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm addicted to food.

I'm really not being flippant about this. It's kind of freaking me out. I've thought about this before, but not to the extent of these past few days. I've always been one to "go on a diet" lose the weight and then go off the diet. If I'm an addict, that means that I will have to manage this the rest of my life. It means the "old me" is gone and can never return. The "old me" is not compatible with the "new me." It means that food will always be in the fore front of my brain because if I relax and slide back into old habits, I will gain the weight back.

I smoked for about 15 years. It was hell to quit. The difference between that and eating is that I need food to survive. At the time I thought I needed the cigarettes, but I didn't. I learned over time to become a new person. I started smoking in high school to be cool. I was one of those painfully shy kids and I thought if I smoked, people would like me more. Well, they didn't and I got a 15 year habit out of it. I realized that I had to change in order to save my life. This is the same thing. I need to change in order to live a long life for myself and my husband and my daughter. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner. If a drug addict doesn't quit drugs, they will die earlier.

Now, what do I do with all of these revelations? I have no idea. I can file it away in a little part of my brain and forget about it like I've done in the past. Or, I could deal with it and find a way to incorporate these thoughts into successfully losing weight. I'm half way there. I would be thrilled to lose another 40 lbs. and be at my goal weight. Something I haven't been since before I got married in 1999.

I'm still mulling all this over and trying to figure out what to do with it. Overeaters Annonymous? Therapy? Not sure yet, but at least I admit that I have a problem and isn't that half the battle??