Well, the new diet plan didn't go as well as expected. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained, but I also haven't lost. Today is my birthday and I refuse to start my day off on that damn scale. It probably will not be good, so I don't even want to go there.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I really didn't think it would affect me (the Anniversary of 9/11) but it really did. It got me thinking about life and what's really important to me.

I want to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But, after years and years of obsessing about my weight, I'm ready to stop. Stop thinking all the time about what I eat. Stop feeling bad when I don't make time for exercise. Stop obsessing daily about my weight and body. It's so draining and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I think I've said this before, but I can guarantee you on my death bed I will not say that I wish I was skinny my whole life. I will say I wish I wouldn't have worried about it so much. I wish I would have just enjoyed my life and not felt bad about myself every day.

I can also guarantee you that if I died today, my obituary will not say "She was a fat slob who didn't take care of herself" It would list all the good qualities I have that I never give myself credit for. THOSE are the things I want to start concentrating on. I don't want to be so quick to judge myself and what I do. I want to cut myself slack like I would anyone else in my life.

I am NOT saying I am giving up. I will never do that. I am just saying I'm going to try to figure out how to have balance in my life and how to forgive myself. How to enjoy the "bad" things I eat instead of beating myself up about the calories. I want to take away all the power I've given food and learn how to just be happy with myself, no matter what weight I am.

How am I going to do this? I have no flippin' idea. But, maybe instead of buying another diet book, I can get a book about balance and forgiving myself. Maybe slowly but surely I can figure this out. I'm just tired. I'm 43 years old today and I don't want to waste one more year hating my body and constantly putting myself down because I've failed yet another diet. I want to start finding more joy in life and stop worrying so much about everything.

Yesterday I was standing outside and my neighbor came over. He was obviously upset. His wife passed away yesterday. They built their house to retire in. They probably had one good year before she got sick. I wonder what she thought before she died? Was she happy with the life she led? I want to be able to say "Well, I might have been fat, but at least I was happy" or "I turned it all around that 43rd year and finally figured it all out" Yes, that's the one.

I'm trying a new diet starting tomorrow. I need some structure. Just "trying to be good" is not working for me. I'm going to combine elements of both the 17 Day Diet and the South Beach diet.

On the 17DD you cannot eat red meat during the first cycle. I don't like that. On the South Beach diet, you can't have any carbs the first phase. I don't like that either. So, what I'm going to do if eat any kind of meat and eat only fruit until 2 pm like in the 17DD. Fruit will be the only carb I allow myself. And, I'm going to allow myself sugar free desserts like Jello and popsicles. Both are allowed on the 17DD but not on South Beach.

Confused yet? I just don't like either diet on it's own. I find them both too constricting so I do well for a few days and then go on a binge because I've been so deprived. This way I'm combining good elements from both diets and I'll see what happens. I'll give it a solid week before I decide if it's working.

I know this kind of sounds like I'm just taking the easiest route for both diets, but it's not really like that. I'm trying to set myself up for success instead of failure. It's better then what I'm doing now which is pretty much nothing. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I'd really like to lose 10 pounds before I go. These are not vanity pounds. These are pounds I need to lose so my clothes are comfortable when I'm out of town.

Tomorrow my 5 year old goes to Kindergarten for her first day. I'm getting so sad about this. I've been looking forward to it for weeks now, but now that the first day is actually here, I'm sad. I'm sad that these first 5 years of her life have gone by so quickly and it's only going to go faster and faster from here on out. I'm glad I'll have the time with the baby though. I'm sure we'll find plenty to do to keep us busy. (Like go to the gym)

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis. I lost one of my best friends 2 days ago. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I've known her since I was 18 and watched all her kids grow up. I've changed a lot since I was 18, but she hasn't changed as much.

Which brings me to my mid life crisis. I've come to realize that I need to expect more from myself and the people around me. I want to surround myself with positive people that are uplifting. Not drama queens that are energy draining. Unfortunately, it's not easy to call up a good friend and say "Hey, do you think you could change because I'm changing and I can't deal with you the way you are"

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a crisis because things that were just fine a few months ago are not acceptable to me now. But, I'm also sticking up for myself and people don't like it. They are used to the person who just lets them take advantage and goes with the flow. I was the type of person who wouldn't yell fire if I was on fire in a movie theater because I wouldn't want to disturb anyone. No more. I'm starting to stick up for what I believe in. I'm starting to find my voice. It's taken me 42 years, but I've finally started to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've given myself credit for and I want other people to realize that too.

I'm sad that I know I will lose people along the way. There are people who were in my life that didn't add anything to it. They are emotional black holes and it's time to cut them loose. I don't have many friends so this is going to be very difficult for me. But, I'm worth it. I'm worth people in my life who value me and my friendship.

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but I think that realizing I'm worth more and giving myself the credit I deserve will help me take better care of my body.

The baby is calling, gotta go! Have a wonderful Labor day!!