Well, the new diet plan didn't go as well as expected. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained, but I also haven't lost. Today is my birthday and I refuse to start my day off on that damn scale. It probably will not be good, so I don't even want to go there.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I really didn't think it would affect me (the Anniversary of 9/11) but it really did. It got me thinking about life and what's really important to me.

I want to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But, after years and years of obsessing about my weight, I'm ready to stop. Stop thinking all the time about what I eat. Stop feeling bad when I don't make time for exercise. Stop obsessing daily about my weight and body. It's so draining and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I think I've said this before, but I can guarantee you on my death bed I will not say that I wish I was skinny my whole life. I will say I wish I wouldn't have worried about it so much. I wish I would have just enjoyed my life and not felt bad about myself every day.

I can also guarantee you that if I died today, my obituary will not say "She was a fat slob who didn't take care of herself" It would list all the good qualities I have that I never give myself credit for. THOSE are the things I want to start concentrating on. I don't want to be so quick to judge myself and what I do. I want to cut myself slack like I would anyone else in my life.

I am NOT saying I am giving up. I will never do that. I am just saying I'm going to try to figure out how to have balance in my life and how to forgive myself. How to enjoy the "bad" things I eat instead of beating myself up about the calories. I want to take away all the power I've given food and learn how to just be happy with myself, no matter what weight I am.

How am I going to do this? I have no flippin' idea. But, maybe instead of buying another diet book, I can get a book about balance and forgiving myself. Maybe slowly but surely I can figure this out. I'm just tired. I'm 43 years old today and I don't want to waste one more year hating my body and constantly putting myself down because I've failed yet another diet. I want to start finding more joy in life and stop worrying so much about everything.

Yesterday I was standing outside and my neighbor came over. He was obviously upset. His wife passed away yesterday. They built their house to retire in. They probably had one good year before she got sick. I wonder what she thought before she died? Was she happy with the life she led? I want to be able to say "Well, I might have been fat, but at least I was happy" or "I turned it all around that 43rd year and finally figured it all out" Yes, that's the one.