Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Christmas has come and gone and I totally blew it. I've gained 5 lbs since December 1. I have enjoyed every bite though. My biggest concern right now if figuring out WHY I eat so badly. What is my pay off? There's got to be something other than chocolate tasting good. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I've come too for to blow it now. I need to figure out why this is such a struggle and deal with it.
I read a lot of weight loss blogs and it seems like we are all going through the same thing. I just don't get it. I feel great when I'm losing weight. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I feel like shit right now. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and my acid reflux is worse than ever. How can that be a pay off? Whatever I'm getting from eating crap is obviously better to me than feeling good.
I think I need therapy. I've tried to find a therapist that specializes in weight loss and haven't been able to find one. I need to try harder. Food just makes me feel better. It does. When I'm feeling down, chocolate helps me. I feel good when I'm eating it. I just feel bad after I've eaten it. In 2010 I will figure it out. I might not be able to fix it, but I will figure it out. I've got to. I'm going to be 42 years old. It's now or never.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

It's been too long since I've posted anything. Part of me knows nobody is reading this so why bother?
I haven't been doing well on my diet. BUT, I will say that I am not doing that badly in maintaining my weight. I started this month at 213 and yesterday weighed in at 215. I will work on losing those 2 lbs this week. I have just been gorging myself on sweets. They are all over my house and I put them there. I've got nobody to blame but myself. I participated in a cookie exchange today and brought about 2 dozen new cookies into the kitchen. Even if I don't eat them, my daughter and husband will which is not good for them either. I haven't been working out this past week either. I'm really hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow. It will be crowded because the kids are out of school, but I can force myself to go. Otherwise I will hit 220 before I know it and that would really be sad.
Except for a few cookies my eating today was not bad. My husband felt so bad after eating pizza last night that I promised him a healthy meal tonight. I made chicken stir fry. It was really good. Much better than any pizza I could buy. I need to keep that in mind. Healthy food makes me feel so much better after I've eaten it.
I am really looking forward to Christmas. My daughter is so excited that Santa is coming and her excitement is contagious.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I survived Thanksgiving, but just barely. I feel sick today. I ate too much "bad" food. I drank too much alcohol. My body is not used to being so unhealthy and after a few days of eating and drinking "bad" things, I'm feeling the affects today. I really hope I do better over Christmas. I had my family in from out of town so I have much more food in the house than I'd normally have. I won't have that problem during Christmas so I should be able to control things a bit more.
Today I just feel like sitting around and doing nothing. I will be back on track tomorrow, but for today, I'm just chilling out and doing nothing. I'm trying to force myself to work out, but I just don't have it in me today. I will be able to work out everyday this week though so it won't kill me to take today off.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I just had pizza again for dinner but this time was a whole different experience than late time.
Last weekend I decided to wipe the slate clean and start over. I sat down and wrote out menus and shopping lists for the week. I wrote out 3 goals:
1- Drink at least 8-8oz glasses of water a day
2- Track everything I eat even if I do go over my points
3- Work out at least 5 times
I weighed in last Sunday at 215. I haven't been that high in a while. I started the week off great. I did everything I was supposed to do. My daughter was just getting over the flu so I didn't want to take her to the gym. I worked out 5 times at home. Sometimes I did work out DVD's and other times I just walked on my treadmill. I stuck to my meal plan and felt great all week.
I think the most important change was I decided not to weigh myself everyday. It just wasn't working for me. I decided that this week I'd weigh in at WW on Wednesday night and then not weigh myself at home until Saturday, which was today. It was killing me, but I did it.
I got up this morning a little scared to get on the scale. But, I did it and the result was 210.5!! I lost 4.5 pounds this week! I was and am SO HAPPY.
The pizza was a planned meal using my 35 flex points. I am in no way saying f*ck it this time. I planned it out and happily ate every bite. I'm not going to weigh myself again until next Friday morning. Friday is my 10 year wedding anniversary and we are going out to dinner to celebrate so I didn't think it would be a good idea to weigh in on Saturday morning.
I feel really good and energized about the way I've been doing things this week. I've had 2 people tell me how great I look and today I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I tried on 2 pairs, one was a size 18 and the other was a size 16. (I thought i had grabbed 2 18's but one was actually a 16) The 16 fit better than the 18! I was shocked and thrilled. I feel really good about myself lately and I think that is helping immensely with my success. Next week will only be better and I will be firmly under 210 by Friday!!!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

I have rededicated myself to weight loss. I got off track somewhere along the lines and I needed to get back on track.
About 2 weeks ago I was at my Weight Watchers meeting and the leader asked a question about weight loss. The question was something like "What do you deserve when losing weight" and someone said "You deserve what you put into it" That really got me. I have been making a half assed attempt to lose weight for a while now. Why should it surprise me that my results are half assed? Seriously, do I want to spend the rest of my life losing weight? Shouldn't I just want to lose the weight and move on with my life and learn how to maintain my weight? How long am I going to be doing this to myself?
So, I've decided that November is going to be a big weight loss month for me. I'm not going to set any goal other than maintenance for December, but I still have three weeks before Thanksgiving gets here. I can certainly lose weight in that time. Thanksgiving is only one day, not a whole month. I do have family coming in from out of town, but I can still do it. I've done it now for 2 days. I've stayed within my points and I've worked out.
I've also made the decision not to weigh myself every day. I listen to a podcast and Scott always insists that weighing yourself everyday works. I don't agree. Especially last week. I was doing ok but I kept gaining and gaining each day. I finally thought "Screw it, nothing I'm doing is working" and I ate and continued to gain. I think there are too many factors in weight fluctuating each day to think that whatever number it says is accurate. I'm going to weigh myself once a week. When I get to maintenance mode I will reconsider a daily weigh in because you can do a lot of damage in a few days. If I see the scale creeping up I will know to scale back my food intake. But for now, I need to find what works for weight loss. Maybe this will be it.
Yesterday, November 1, my weight was 215. We'll see what it is this weekend. I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I am getting ready to have pizza for dinner. Yesterday morning I was 210.5. This morning I was 213.5. I had pasta yesterday, and we went to a Polish diner at the local AmVet's hall. Something we've never done before, but wanted to try. I said to myself "Fu*k it, I'll get back on track tomorrow." I know I will get back on track tomorrow, Mondays are usually great days for me, but why am I giving up today? I haven't worked out in 5 days. I've had an unusually busy week with no time to work out. That is why I am in my fu*k it mood. I should work out today. I should have a salad or chicken breast for dinner. FU*K IT! I'm gettin' the pizza and enjoying every bite!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I've been doing ok lately. Just ok. I'm back to my pre Disney weight and that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is the speed at which I am losing weight. I feel like I am working so hard at this (most days) and I should be seeing more progress on the scale.
A friend of mine just joined Weight Watchers and she lost 5 lbs her first week. She only has about 15 to lose total. I was really jealous. I've never had a 5 pound loss in one week! I think 3 is my highest and I've got another 40 lbs to lose!
I know I'm doing it the right way this time. I know "slow and steady wins the race." I know all of this in my head, but my heart still breaks when I see that I've only lost one pound in a week.
I have also been very busy this week and haven't had enough time in my day to exercise. I've worked out twice so far this week and tomorrow isn't looking good. Maybe Saturday, but I have a baby shower to go to so I'm not sure if I'll find the time. Last week I worked out SIX times. This week it might only be 2, 3 if I'm lucky. I actually took Sunday off thinking that my week looked pretty clear so I should have had time to go to the gym every day. Boy, was I wrong! I guess I've learned that I need to always take the opportunity to work out when I have it, because you never know what will come up the following day.
I've made some pretty good choices this week and I've done good overall. I need to stop dwelling on what I haven't done and start thinking about all the good things I have done. There have been lots of good choices this week. I've had to eat out a few times and I've made good choices and haven't overeaten. Why do I still feel like I could have done so much more? Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Why can't I celebrate my successes, even if their small ones? Why are the failures thought about so much more than the successes? These are all things that I need to think about and try to figure out so I don't make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
I know I'm kind of rambling today. I feel "off." Maybe a little sad. I took my daughter to a play date today and nobody talked to me. I tried to make small talk and talk to the other moms I didn't know, but they all knew each other and were in their own conversations. I felt like I was in high school again. All I could think of was "they probably don't like me because I'm fat" It's so ridiculous! I hate feeling this way. I'm not a bad person. I'm just shy and don't really approach people I don't know very often. I'm going to stop now. I could just ramble on and on and on and on........ but I won't. Not tonight.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

My realization

I've changed the name of my blog. I've been watching tv and I've seen quite a few shows lately on drug and alcohol addicts. I was surprised to learn that I can apply just about all their problems to myself and food. I guess I've never really bought into the idea that I am a food addict. I'm not as bad as a drug addict am I? Well, in all reality, yes I am.
I constantly think about food. I enjoy my food more than I should. I use food for things more than fuel for my body. I don't think about the consequences because I want the instant gratification. At times I try to hide my eating.
Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm addicted to food.
I'm really not being flippant about this. It's kind of freaking me out. I've thought about this before, but not to the extent of these past few days. I've always been one to "go on a diet" lose the weight and then go off the diet. If I'm an addict, that means that I will have to manage this the rest of my life. It means the "old me" is gone and can never return. The "old me" is not compatible with the "new me." It means that food will always be in the fore front of my brain because if I relax and slide back into old habits, I will gain the weight back.
I smoked for about 15 years. It was hell to quit. The difference between that and eating is that I need food to survive. At the time I thought I needed the cigarettes, but I didn't. I learned over time to become a new person. I started smoking in high school to be cool. I was one of those painfully shy kids and I thought if I smoked, people would like me more. Well, they didn't and I got a 15 year habit out of it. I realized that I had to change in order to save my life. This is the same thing. I need to change in order to live a long life for myself and my husband and my daughter. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner. If a drug addict doesn't quit drugs, they will die earlier.
Now, what do I do with all of these revelations? I have no idea. I can file it away in a little part of my brain and forget about it like I've done in the past. Or, I could deal with it and find a way to incorporate these thoughts into successfully losing weight. I'm half way there. I would be thrilled to lose another 40 lbs. and be at my goal weight. Something I haven't been since before I got married in 1999.
I'm still mulling all this over and trying to figure out what to do with it. Overeaters Annonymous? Therapy? Not sure yet, but at least I admit that I have a problem and isn't that half the battle??

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Finally back from vacation. It was a long 8 days. I love DisneyWorld, but when you actually get there and it's hot, the lines are long and you have a 3 year old in tow you start to think "Hmmm, maybe the idea of Disney is better than the actual thing." We did have fun, but I'm glad to be home.
We got the free Disney Dining plan while we were there, which mean 2 meals a day and a snack. Most days I only ate one meal because the portions are so large. I started out the week great. I had a great attitude and for the first 2 days really stuck to my plan. However, around day #3 it started to fall apart. On the dining plan, you get one "counter service" meal and one "sit down" meal which means that you have an actual wait person who takes your order and brings you food. BUT, the dangerous thing for me is you get TWO desserts, one with each meal. I had this little devil on my shoulder saying "It's free, you can't turn down free food." and there was no angel on the other shoulder arguing with that devil, so I gave in. I discovered creme brulee and OMG, is it good. I am a HUGE sweets fan and just couldn't resist. Honestly, at the time, I didn't want to resist. There are a few restaurants there that have REALLY good food there that I don't normally eat. I had the best steak I've ever had in my life at LeCellier in Epcot. I eat steak every once in a while, but the steak I had there was cooked to perfection.
Disney has come a long way in offering healthier options, but they still have a ways to go. Most of the counter service restaurants offered a salad, but it was a chicken caesar salad. Once you add that cheese and dressing, it's not very healthy after all. I tried to do some research before I left about the nutritional information of their foods, but didn't get very far. Most of the online menus are outdated and I couldn't find any information about the counter service foods.
I think my biggest challenge is going to be to get back on track now that I'm home. Eating all those sweets has taken it's toll on me mentally. Now I have to stop cold turkey. By the way, I did gain 4.5 pounds on my trip. It's ok, I will lose it this week. I am going to reduce my caloric intake a little and start working out again. My daughter has a cold so I won't be able to take her to the gym, but I will work out at home. I have to get back on track immediately or I risk gaining even more.
I have my Weight Watchers meeting tonight so hopefully that will help motivate me. I knew I'd gain some weight and 4.5 pounds isn't that bad considering what I ate. Hopefully it will be gone in a week and I can get back on track. My next goal is 199. I haven't set a date for that yet, but I'm planning on doing that later today.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Biggest Loser is starting tonight and I can't wait! That show is always so motivating for me. These people who weigh 300+ pounds are working out 6-7 hours a day! I always tell myself that if they can do it at 300 lbs, I can certainly do 45 mins a day at 214 pounds. Yes, 214. I've lost a few since my last post.
I had a birthday last weekend. I did something last night that I was really proud of. My husband and daughter made me a cake. It was my favorite kind of cake and I made the frosting. YUM-ME! So I had a piece on my birthday and the day after. Yesterday, I was thinking about that cake all day long. Seriously, if I were a heroine addict, that would be my brand. I was shocked at how much that stupid cake took up my thoughts. I knew I was going to have a piece for dessert. I knew the scale was up yesterday morning. I basically thought "There's nothing I can do about it until that cake is gone" It was light a light bulb went off in my head. I said to myself "I'm going to throw it in the garbage" OMG, what a concept! THROW IT OUT! Once I made the decision to do it, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Seriously, how pathetic is that? I threw it in the garbage and felt so proud of myself. Of course, the scale didn't move at all this morning. I thought the Universe should have deducted a pound because of my will power. No such luck.
I also remembered that sometimes it can take a day or two of eating badly for it to show on the scale. How could I have forgotten that? I think I got a little cocky because when I woke up on my birthday I was 213 pounds. I did well but could have done better. I went to a movie and had a squirt of the "butter topping." I went to Outback and had a salad, steak and sweet potato fries (AWESOME) which I knew wasn't good. And of course, the dreaded cake. But, I keep telling myself that I could have done so much worse. I could have blown the whole weekend because of my birthday. I didn't. I worked out on Sunday and today. I'm back on track.
I leave for vacation to Disney World next Monday. I am terrified. We are taking advantage of the Free Dining Plan. The food there is awesome. It's very difficult for me to say no to fattening foods when they are foods I can only get when I'm down there. I will do my best. That's all I can do. I don't see myself working out because there is no gym at our resort and my husband and daughter will be with me. It's kind of hard to do sit ups and push ups in the room if they are there with me. I feel stupid doing that in front of them, well, my husband at least. My daughter cheers me on when I work out, which I love.
I will do my best and hope for the best. That's all I can do.

Monday, August 17, 2009

I finally worked out today. As I was on the treadmill I was thinking about great it felt to move my body. I was thinking that I should work out again after dinner. I've been contemplating working out twice a day a few days a week to guarantee I will reach my goal within the next 5 weeks. The only problem I might run into is my age and back. My hubby, daughter and I took a leisurely walk after dinner and my back started to ache. I hate that. I hate that I'm not young anymore and I can't move the way I used to. I'm 40 and I'm going to be 41 in a month. It's harder to lose weight and it's harder to move around like I used to. I keep thinking that once I get back into a routine it will be easier. It will. I just have to keep moving and walking and not take weeks off from exercise anymore. I can't do that. I can push through these next 5 weeks, work really hard and then feel great when I hit my goal. I can and will do that.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm back from vacation. I didn't do well. The first half was spent with my friend who is also trying to diet. I manage to work out twice, but I came down with a nasty cold so I didn't get any other work outs in. It was great fun carrying around a box of Puffs with lotion. The second half of the vacation was spent walking around Washington DC (still with the tissues) and site seeing. I had a good time, but didn't eat well,
I got back last Sunday promising I would get back on track first thing Monday morning. Did that happen? Nooooooo. Dammit. WHY is it so hard to get back on the wagon when I've had such great success? I feel so good when I'm working out and eating healthy. I feel proud of myself when I see the number on the scale go down. Who wouldn't want that? Well, me for some reason. I just don't know why I can't get back on track. I keep telling myself tomorrow I'll do it for sure, but then tomorrow never comes. I have about 5 weeks to make my goal. I have to lose roughly 3 pounds a week. That's a big number. Not "biggest loser" big, but big for me. I can do it if I set my mind to it, but how do I do that?
I have a plan. I will sit down tomorrow (which is Sunday) and plan out my menus for the week. I will take meals and snacks if I have something to do on a particular day. I will set myself up for success. Stay tuned to see what happens......

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I've been having a difficult time this past 2 weeks. I was on a vacation for almost a week. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone. I was actually proud of that because I usually do much worse when I'm not home. Then less than a week later, we had out of town company for a week. Again, I've gained weight. It's so hard for me to get back on track when I've fallen off the wagon. I just need a solid day or two of doing well and I should be good to go. My only problem is I leave again on Friday to go visit family in PA and VA. I will be gone for 11 days. While I love going on vacation, I don't love how it messes with my diet and exercise routine. I always go with good intentions. I know I will be eating out much more and I won't have total control since I'm staying at people's houses. I was raised to just eat what you are given and not complain. I know I use that as an excuse too. I feel funny asking someone to make me something "special" because I'm trying to lose weight. I will most likely hear "You're on vacation. Take a break from your diet" and I don't want to argue. If I do well on this vacation, I can still hit my goal to be under 200 by the time we leave for Disney.
I am trying to will myself to work out. I realized today that I have an all or nothing mentality. I know I should do my Jilian Michael's "Shred" DVD. I just don't want to. Since I don't want to do that, (and really should) I'm having a hard time going in my basement to work out. 45 minutes on the treadmill will still do me a lot of good. Since in my mind I should be maintaining the muscle I have built, I feel that if i don't do resistance training today, why bother do anything at all?
It's that thinking that has gotten me to this weight. In the past I've thought "I'm going on vacation on Friday and will blow the next week, so why not just blow this week and start over after I get home?" I need to realize that anything I do to move my body today will be a good thing. I don't need the motivation to work out. The motivation will come after a few successful day. I just need to do something, anything today.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Today is kind of a sad day for me. Not that I was a big Michael Jackson fan, because I really wasn't. He was a part of my childhood and it's always sad when a part of that dies. The world feels a little different to me today. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but it's just strange. I could see if I was a true fan and had all his albums, but I'm not and I don't. I guess I just feel sad for a 50 year old man who dies leaving behind 3 kids. Like him or not, it's sad.
Which makes me glad that I'm really trying to be healthy and lose weight. I can do something about weight. Geez, compared to other people's problems, losing weight should be a no brainer right? Farrah Fawcett didn't have a choice in getting cancer. Even Michael Jackson might not have had a choice if he got an overdoes of Demerol from his doctor, (just read that, not sure if it's true or not.) I HAVE the choice. I can choose to go eat cookies or broccoli. I have the choice of whether I want to exercise today.
I know it's not easy. But, shouldn't it be easier than kicking a drug habit or beating cancer?
I quit smoking 9 years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My God, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. Today I am choosing to be healthy. Today I am choosing to stick to a healthy eating plan. Today I am choosing to exercise.
I'm going to start making an effort to think about just today. Not the last time I was on a diet and failed. Not next week when I have some things scheduled so it might make it hard to stick to my diet and exercise plan. Just "now." Just today.
I try to walk on my treadmill for 45-50 minutes. When I first start, I don't think "Gee, I'm going to be on this thing for almost an hour." I think "hmmm, can I do the whole hour? Maybe not, but I can do 10 mins." Then after the first 10 mins is up, I think "Can I do 10 more?" I break it down into little chunks. I find it easier that way. Just like losing weight. I have about 50 more pounds to lose. Can I lose 50 pounds? I'm not sure about that. Can I lost another 5? Yes, no question about it. So, I'm going to lose the 5 and reevaluate and ask myself if I can lose just another 5. I think the all or nothing mentality can be the recipe for disaster to any exercise and diet plan. I have to stop thinking about the big picture and break things down into manageable chunks.
I realize I was kind of all over the board today, but that is how my mood is. I had my whole day planned and due to the storms last night, my whole day has changed and it's strange for me to have a whole day with nothing to do. I'm not used to that. I usually have my time planned out pretty well. Anyway, I don't think anyone is reading this blog anyway, but it's helping me stay on track. I also have the freedom to write whatever I want which feels really great, actually.
RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You will be missed and remembered often!

Friday, June 19, 2009

I am happy to report that after my last blog, I did get my butt on my treadmill and worked out. It was only 45 mins, but that is something. I am even happier to report that this morning I weighed in at 217 pounds. How did that happen? I have a few ideas.
First, I've been pooping on a regular basis these past few days. For a while there I wasn't and I know that has to affect the scale. How can it not? I've come to the realization that I am only going to weigh myself on days when I've gone to the bathroom regularly. Ok, I know this might be TMI, but it's true and I think it affects my weight so I need to say something about it.
Second, I also need to keep track of my sodium. I eat healthy foods but will sometimes put a sauce on them that is higher in sodium. That makes me retain water. I know on a day that I'm going to the bathroom a lot and haven't increased my water intake that the next day I step on the scale it will be a "good day." I still define my days on what I see on the scale and I need to work on that.
Third, I really think I hit a plateau. I have not changed anything in this past week. I went for almost 2 weeks not losing more than a pound and so far this week I've lost 2. The only explanation I have is a plateau. I've listened to Jilian's podcast where she has mentioned there's no such thing as plateaus, but I don't buy that. Every time my daughter would be getting a tooth she'd have a fever and diarrhea. Her pediatrician told me there is no medical fact behind this, but it happened to her every time. I feel that way with my diet. My body sometimes need a resting period to adjust to my new, lower weight. It's what MY body does. I have to accept this and remember it next time I go through this.
I've made it through and I'm still losing. I consider that a success.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I've kind of fallen off the wagon so to speak. I haven't actually gone hog wild, but I'm starting to get frustrated because the scale is not moving. I am doing everything I've been doing since Jan and all of a sudden no more weight loss. It is so frustrating I want to scream!! I can see if I were cheating or not working out. But, I am working out and I'm not cheating. I can't see eating less because some days I am really hungry and I have no more Weight Watcher points so I go to bed hungry. Eating less is just not an option. Maybe I need to work out more? I don't know. All I know is I want to eat and eat and eat because what I was doing is not working anymore.
Maybe I'm just burnt out, but I don't want to stop because I will gain weight back. I hit the 25 pound loss mark on Sunday. (I've gained a pound back sticking to my diet and working out- explain that one to me)
I guess I just need to look at the positives. I have not weighed this weight since before my daughter was born 4 years ago. All my clothes are big and baggy. I feel really great physically. Maybe if I can keep focused on those things than I won't be bothered so much by a number on a little machine that dictates how I feel. I HATE THAT! WHY do I care so much?? I am proud of what I've done so far. I feel really good. WHY am I letting the scale tell me differently? My friend suggested that I don't weigh myself for a week. That I'm probably just in a plateau and it will pass as long as I keep going. I don't know if I can do that. I can try. No, I won't try- I WILL DO IT. One week will not kill me. Maybe the pressure will be off so I can just relax and let my body do what it needs to do. Actually, it's Wednesday so it's not really a week. It's really only 5 days. I can do 5 days. I might have to put the scale away.
Ok, I wasn't going to do this today, but I guess it's time to get my butt off the couch and work out. My daughter had swim class and then we had a play date and I've told myself that I'm too tired to work out. The thing is, if I work out I will have the energy to get some stuff done today. So, I'm off to walk on my treadmill.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I wonder how many blogs go unread. All those thoughts put out there in cyberspace and most likely nobody is reading them. Kind of depressing.
Anyway, I was really shocked about something. All my life I have hated peppers. Every kind of pepper. Especially green peppers. I went scrap booking last week and the host served faijitas with peppers. Being the polite person I am, I ate them and was shocked that I actually didn't hate them. I decided to make faijitas myself a few days later and I added yellow peppers to it, and kind of liked it. Here I thought I would never eat a pepper in my life and I find out they aren't repulsive after all. Who would have thought?
I'm still in my plateau. That's what I'm calling it. I'm doing the same things I've been doing to lose 23 pounds and all of a sudden the weight stopped coming off. I'm not freaking out though. I just keep going. I always picture Dori from "Finding Nemo." She said when life gets her down she "just keeps swimming" and that's what I tell myself when I hit a standstill in my weight loss. I will just keep swimming until I see that 219 on my scale It will happen. Freaking out and bingeing will not make that happen. Keeping at it, working out and eating healthy will get me there, eventually.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I weighed in at 219.5 this morning. After 3 days of following my plan and the scale not moving at all, I was due. I was hoping for more, but I am grateful it went down just a little. I have one more pound to go and then I will have officially lost 25 pounds since Jan 5. Yes, it could have gone faster, but at least I'm down 25 pounds. If someone would have told me that it would take me 6 months to lose 25 pounds, I would have told them they were crazy. I would have told them "I can lose 2 pounds a week so I will double that." Well, I'm 40. The 18 year old could have lost 2 pounds a week. I am older and have much more to do with a toddler running around than that 18 year old. I need to cut myself some slack and for some reason, I actually am this time around. I don't get upset when the scale doesn't move. I don't give it all up when I've had one bad day. I don't know what has changed in this brain of mine, but I'll try to figure it out and share it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


I am happy to report that I did not gain any weight over the holiday weekend. I was hoping to be down a pound or two, but after a family BBQ, that just wasn't possible. I really didn't do that badly, but I kept thinking "this is a holiday, i can indulge." I don't know why a day being "special" means I can eat what I want. However, I will say that I did really good on portions. For dessert I just had one cookie. I could have had more but I stopped myself. I think I'm starting to realize that a taste is good enough. 
So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the reasons I eat when I eat and what I eat. I've heard people say if you don't know why you eat, you will never lose the weight and keep it off. Hmmm, that kind of scares me. I know there are reasons I comfort myself with food. It makes me feel better while I'm eating it. My childhood was really screwed up. My parents divorced when I was 5. I have 3 older brothers and it was hard on all of us. Especially financially. My dad decided he didn't want to pay child support on a regular basis, so my mom had to pretty much support us all. She worked 7 days a week. To make matters worse, she died when I was 13. She got acute leukemia and 2 weeks later she was gone. My brother became my guardian until I was 17. So, there's a lot of screwed up feelings from my childhood.  I get that I take comfort in food. But, how do I change that? I honestly feel better when I am eating chocolate. I'm happy when I'm eating pizza. I'm not saying that those are the only times I'm happy, but they do make me happy. How do I stop that? I don't want to feel badly when eating those things, but I also don't want to think that eating them can make me feel better.
I did go to therapy a few years back and didn't get much help at all. I never did find out the root of my weight problem. I really don't want to take time for therapy, but I also don't want to lose this weight and gain it all back. Been there, done that.
I have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will succeed in losing this weight. I KNOW it will happen. What scares me is what happens after that. I know I shouldn't be thinking about that and I just need to concentrate on today and losing weight, but this small little voice keeps saying "Why go through all this trouble if you won't be able to keep it off?" I'm trying to tell that little voice to shut the hell up as best I can.
Yesterday I ramped up my work out. I put the incline on the treadmill up to 6% for 3- 5 minute periods. It was a great work out. Today I can barely move. My lower back is killing me. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour with no incline so I didn't let my pain stop me.
One more thing, DO NOT eat at the Costco food court. I had a hot dog with my daughter. I looked up the Weight Watcher points when I got home. ONE hot dog is 13 points. The turkey wrap is much worse and I don't even want to talk about the caesar salad. I'm going to have a very light dinner to make up for it, but I would not have eaten that hot dog if I would have known it was 13 points. Lesson learned.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Day #1

I've decided to try my luck at blogging. I keep up with many blogs and thought I'd give it a whirl. Mainly because I am so inspired by so many other bloggers who are trying to lose weight. This is such a difficult thing to do and I've been having success with it lately, so I thought maybe I could inspire someone. Yes, me. Or I should say, why not me?
And reason #2 is because we're going into summer and all of the tv shows are reruns. Pathetic, I know but at least truthful.
So, a little bit about me. I'm 40, married and a mother of a 3 year old girl. In the past I haven't made time for myself. After I had my daughter, I gained 30 pounds. Go figure. Most women gain while they are pregnant. Not me. I had gestational diabetes so I controlled my weight very well. After I had her I went into a depression and ate, and ate, and ate....
My daughter is 3 and I have no more excuses for carrying around all this excess weight. In January of 2008, I was at my all time high of 253. This morning I weighed in at 224. Not bad. It has taken me forever, but I think I've finally come to realize that even a small weight loss is progress. One day it could be a one pound loss and one day a half a pound. All those add up after a while.
About 2 weeks ago I decided to start Weight Watchers. I don't go to the meetings, but I follow their points system. I get 29 points a day and when I work out, I usually add about 4 points. Totally doable. I don't have any idea how this happened, but I've also been working out for 4-5 days a week. I don't  hate it. I listen to podcasts and muddle through it. I'm just so happy that I don't hate it. I don't know when that happened, but I'll take it.
We are going to Disneyworld in September and I want to weigh under 200 lbs. I don't want to be huffing and puffing my way through the parks. I don't want to be dripping in sweat each day because I am carrying this extra weight. I'm not going to think about all the other times I have tried to do this. I am only going to concentrate on today. It's now or never for me. At my age, this extra weight is starting to take it's toll. My knees ache and it seems to take me longer to lose weight. I'm not saying I'm old, but I'm certainly not young.  My ultimate goal is to weight about 175. I'll see how I feel at that weight. I haven't weighed that much since before I got married in 1999. I can do this. I will do this. It's now or never.....