Saturday, February 27, 2010

Feeling better today. I just got up a little while ago to the news of the earthquake in Chile. When things like this happen, it puts so much into perspective. I get to eat breakfast, clean my house and go to the gym today. Some people no longer have a house. Some people are trapped in collapsed buildings as I'm writing this. WTF am I worried about? I am so blessed and have such a good life.

Which leads me to my next point. I posted a newsletter from Cheryl Richardson the other day but never commented on it. I specifically wanted to comment on this line " Yup, that means being kind to yourself in spite of your stuckness. It means accepting your feelings of hopelessness so you can stop using so much precious energy trying to push these feelings away"

I am not kind to myself. I waste so much energy beating myself up for what I don't get done on a daily basis. It's time to STOP that. It's time to concentrate on what I can do and what I am doing. How good would I feel about myself if I didn't have negative dialog running in my brain almost all day long? How would that change the way I feel about myself?

I've written about this before. I've identified that I do this to myself. Now I am going to actively try to stop the thought patterns. Instead of going to the negative on days when I don't work out, I'm going to remind myself that everyone has days like that. I read so many blogs and EVERYONE that is battling weight gain is going through the same thing. It's a struggle. Maybe if I realize that, I will know that I will have good days and bad days.

I am going to start showing myself the kindness I show to others. I've even thought about posting positive affirmations around the house to remind myself to do this. I think if I get into a routine of doing this, it will start to come naturally. I'm betting I will feel so much better mentally and once that happens, I will want to improve physically. Not because I feel bad and guilted into doing it, but because I want to feel better about myself. I'm starting this today so I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Today is a new day. I keep saying that to myself every morning, and every day turns out to be the same as the day before.

Each night I go to bed telling myself that I will go to the gym the next day and eat healthy. Then, I get up, feel ok for about 45 mins and then the nausea kicks in. Have you ever worked out while feeling sick to your stomach? I just can't bring myself to do it. I try. I say the right things to myself in my mind. But physically going down my stairs into my basement and getting on the treadmill is impossible lately. Driving to the gym when it's cold and snowy? Forget about it!

As far as food goes, I am eating things that won't make me sicker. Lots of carbs, although they are whole grain carbs. Peanut butter (for the protein and the thought of it doesn't make me ill.) Salads just don't appeal to me right now. I like chicken instead of beef which is good.

I guess I'm trying to say I'm struggling. The last thing I want to do is blog when I'm struggling. I don't want to admit that I'm doing poorly. I don't want to admit that I feel like a failure. That is utterly ridiculous because I'm pregnant. There are things that are happening in my body that I can't control. The nausea is one of them. However, the not working out is not. I can control that. I am choosing not to.

There is about an hour each evening when I feel ok. I don't feel like puking and I could work out. Maybe I need to shoot for that. I will just have to tell hubby that he has to watch Ella while I work out. That might be difficult because he is in a mind set right now that I shouldn't be working out. He thinks I should wait to talk to the doctor before I work out. I would agree if I weren't already working out when I got pregnant. From everything I have read, it is ok to work out while pregnant as long as you don't get your body temperature up too high. He doesn't believe me.

I don't know, I just know that I need to change something. I'm still ok with my weight. I've only put on a pound and my BCI is high. (BCI = body crap index- yeah, we've all had those days) I just need a new routine. I do so much better when I have a routine. I just need to figure out what my new routine will be. I'm hoping after I see the doctor on the 17th that I will have new optimism about what I can and cannot do. My husband is coming with me to the doctor so if the doctor says I can work out (which he will) my husband will feel better about it. That's still over 2 weeks away so I need to figure out what to do in the meantime.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Cheryl Richardson

I get a weekly newsletter from Cheryl Richardson. This weeks newsletter was really good so I'm going to post it here:

Move Forward

This week, while I'm on vacation, I thought I'd rerun a newsletter about getting unstuck. If you're feeling immobilized in an area of your life - relationships, career, finances, a creative project, or while trying to accomplish an important goal, this info should help. Here's what to do:

First of all, it's important to remember that the thing you need to do most in preparation for getting unstuck is the opposite of what most people do - you need to stop beating yourself up. Yup, that means being kind to yourself in spite of your stuckness. It means accepting your feelings of hopelessness so you can stop using so much precious energy trying to push these feelings away. And it means embracing the total you - the person with good intentions, the one who takes action now and then, and the one who keeps tripping you up. The message is simple: Don't resist your stuckness - it only keeps you stuck :).

Once you embrace your situation, you're ready for three behavior changes:

1. Take back your power. One of the biggest mistakes we make when feeling stuck is telling ourselves that our inability to move forward is due solely to outside circumstances - a lack of money, too many problems, or the influence of other people, for example. All of us will be faced with real-life challenges. That's a fact. But our place of power always lies in the recognition that we have choices. They may be tough choices like selling a home to relieve financial pressure or walking away from an abusive relationship to reclaim our self-esteem, but never mistake tough choices with having no choice at all. You always have choices.

2. Manage your mind. Feeling stuck is first and foremost fueled by our state of mind - the thoughts we think from moment to moment. When we feel unmotivated, it's because we're thinking unmotivated thoughts. When we feel trapped, it's because we consistently tell ourselves that there are no options. When we feel hopeless, there's a good chance that the mantra running through our mind is something like: "Why bother?" So, the key to turning this self-defeating habit around is to take control of your thoughts. Easier said than done, I know. Rather than offer an elaborate process for doing so, try this simple technique. For one whole week, take a tip from my sister Michelle who instills the following message in her kids, and repeat this phrase throughout the day:


Regardless of whether or not you believe it or whether it seems rational, do it anyway. Say it to yourself when you first wake up, repeat it in your mind while brushing your teeth, sing it to yourself while driving to work or getting the kids ready for school. Then, keep at it through lunch and dinner, all the way up to when you fall asleep. Just keep telling yourself that you can do anything and notice how your mood and perspective shifts.

3. Keep good company. Every successful person I've ever spent time with has surrounded themselves with highly motivated people. As a matter of fact, just this morning as I watched Queen Latifah on The Actor's Studio talk about how to stay motivated while building an acting career, her first response was just that, "Surround yourself with motivated people who are just as committed as you."
People who feel stuck tend to associate with people who like to commiserate about the unfairness of the world. This is a recipe for disaster - you all stay stuck together. Find people who are up to something big and who feel excited about life and spend your time with them. If you don't have anyone, consider joining or starting a Life Makeover Group. It's free and it's a great way to meet like-minded new friends (you'll find more info here).

Finally, if you're really ready to move forward, get help. Remember that any anxiety you feel about being stuck is simply related toinaction. The first step toward getting unstuck is making a move. Hate your job? Contact a recruiter or job counselor today and find out how to start a job change. Faced with financial pressure? Call your accountant, financial planner, or credit counseling service and ask for help in putting a recovery plan in place. Are you going to fail along the way? Of course. Will you lose motivation now and then? You can bet on it. But the key is to get started. Getting unstuck is only one tiny step away from where you are right this minute. All you need to do is move your feet :)

Monday, February 22, 2010

This is my daughters sand box. This was fully visible with no snow yesterday:
This is the view to our back yard:

No gym for me today :-( I don't want to drive in this. It's still coming down pretty good too. I guess it's the treadmill in the basement for me today. I won't not work out. Today is the day I get back on track as far as working out goes.

I'm a little sad today. An acquaintance of mine is getting gastric bypass today. I am just so sad for her! I can understand that it is an option for some people. I get that. It's either die or get surgery. But for people who are capable of working out and eating right, why do they feel so desperate that they think surgery is their only option?

This person I know is probably about 375 lbs. She is not stuck in bed, as a matter of fact, she works full time. She was doing a plan called Medical Weight Loss and lost 75 pounds. Then she gave up and gained some back. I just don't get how she can't see that she is capable of losing weight on her own?? I feel sad for her that she would rather have a doctor cut her open and take out the majority of her stomach than walk on a treadmill and eat properly?

If I sound like I'm judging her, I don't mean too. Honestly, I feel sorry for her. I just can't wrap my brain around the thinking that surgery is the only option. I do NOT feel that surgery is taking the easy way out. It is far from easy to get that surgery done. I have not had it, but I've seen many tv shows that talk to people who have had it and it's no picnic, that's for sure.

I just hope she doesn't feel like all her problems will be solved after the surgery. She will still be stuck in a bad marriage. She will still have uncontrollable kids. She will still have all those reasons to medicate herself with food. She will have the ability to gain the weight back if she doesn't change the habits that got her to 375 lbs. I just wish she could have controlled those habits before the surgery and could have realized she didn't need it after all.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Ok, I finally "get it." I finally get why people blog. I got so many nice messages and information about what I can and cannot eat from the people who read this. I know people read it, but I guess I never thought anyone really cared. I was wrong. A person wouldn't look up information for me and send me links if they didn't care. A person wouldn't comment if they didn't care. I finally get why people blog and the support they get from blogging. I am so happy and thankful that I got into this blog and began writing about my weight loss journey. The focus of losing weight might not be as prominent in the next 9 months or so, but I'll still write about being healthy. Thank you for reading it.

I am excited about a couple of new recipes I'm going to try this week. They are Weight Watchers recipes that I have never tried before. I will definitely follow up and post pics if they are good.

I went to Trader Joe's last night and bought some ginger products. I got some triple ginger snaps and some chocolate covered ginger balls. Ginger is supposed to help with nausea so I'm going to give it a try. You can see chunks of ginger in these cookies. I'm afraid. Ginger can have quite a "bite" to it. I remember last time I was pregnant and didn't even know what ginger was. I went to TJ's and got some candied ginger globs. I took a huge one and just popped it into my mouth! Big mistake! I thought I was going to throw up right there in the parking lot. I didn't eat it again my whole pregnancy. This time I'm going to take it slow and take a nibble.

I've been avoiding the gym. I am not avoiding the gym because of not wanting to work out or being afraid to work out. I'm avoiding the gym because I've heard there is a nasty flu going around my area. I did not get the flu vaccine this year so I'm a little worried about catching it or my daughter catching it. I think I'm planning on going tomorrow. We are supposed to get 4-8" of snow tonight, so if I can get out of my drive way, I will go. I need to get back to some cardio. I need to get moving again. I feel like a couch potato and I don't like feeling like this.

Friday, February 19, 2010

About 3 days ago I found out I can no longer take Prilosec. I have always had issues with acid reflux. I can't seem to control it without the medication. My doctor seems to think that my acid problems disappeared when I got pregnant. I'm either dealing with nausea or acid reflux. Oh joy!

I'm trying to find new things to drink. Last night I came up with the idea of mixing club soda with limeade. BIG mistake. Lime are very acidic and I was up last night miserable. I was thinking of switching to juice instead of pop but some juices have a lot of acid too. I think I'm going to have to totally revamp my diet. I have to watch out for acidic foods as well as acidic drinks. The only thing I feel "safe" drinking is water and I'm getting pretty bored of that.

I have not had a diet pop in 3 days and it's starting to get to me. I used to have 2-3 cans a day. I guess you don't realize how important drinks are until you are limited in what you can have.

I've also realized how far I still have to go as far as my weight loss. It's ridiculous that I still need the medication for acid reflux. Losing weight will cure the problem. When I was taking Prilosec, I didn't think about it because the medication took care of it. I had no symptoms. Now I wonder if it was smart to treat the problem with medication. Having severe heart burn that wasn't controlled would have forced me to make smarter choices. Now I am forced to deal with it while being pregnant whether I want to or not.

I have come a long way. I no longer need my CPAP machine for sleep apnea. That is huge. I hated using that thing. I see the majority of the people on Biggest Loser use those machines and I feel so bad for them. They are uncomfortable and embarrassing to use. I'd have to take it with me on trips and when we visited family they all knew I used it. And every new season of BL showed these huge people all having to use it and that made me feel like sh*t.

I'm going to spend my weekend finding recipes for mild foods that are healthy. Wish me luck!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Change in attitude

I've had a pretty crappy attitude lately. I'm mourning all the things I can no longer eat and drink. I've decided to look at this as an opportunity to expand my palate. I think when we diet we all have "go to" meals that are quick and we know how many points they are by heart. Mine was my ham and cheese grilled panini. I'm going to take this time to find new "go to" meals that are just as fast and easy and healthy.

Why says a sandwich has to be ham and/or turkey. What about chicken salad? There has to be a healthy version of chicken salad out there? I also love tuna. I know I can only eat this once a week, but still...... There has got to be other sandwiches out there I can eat that are just as tasty and probably even healthier for me.

Same thing with drinks. I am addicted to diet pop. I would drink about 2 or 3 cans a day. I was planning on giving it up for Lent this year anyway. Now I need to find other drinks (besides water) that are good for me and tastes just as good. I was thinking today of taking a splash of juice and adding soda water to it. That way I can still have the fizz of the drink, but none of the nasty chemicals that are in diet pop.

The hardest thing for me to give up has been the caffeine. I have more headaches now, which is normal. I make a pot of coffee in the morning and use 3 scoops of coffee. I've got it down to one scoop of the caffeinated and 2 scoops of the decaf. Tomorrow I will go all decaf.

Instead of looking at all the things I have to give up, I'm going to view this as a challenge to find all the healthier things I can now eat. Smoothies, Milk (I don't drink enough milk), different fishes, more "whole foods" etc. I'm going to challenge myself not with exercise this time, but with all the dietary changes I can make that will make me and the baby healthier.

I am happy to report that I have not tracked my points this week but have just eaten sensibly and I haven't gained any weight. That makes me very happy. That shows me that I *can* do this and won't be that woman who sadly gains 75 lbs during her pregnancy.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I keep telling myself that "today will be the day" I get back on track. I don't know what my problem is. Oh wait, I take that back, I do know what my problem is. I've been coughing and have a sore throat for days now. Every morning I get up and feel like crap. It's very hard to get motivated when your energy is zero and you feel crappy.

I have managed to maintain my weight which is a miracle. I'm not tracking my points like I should be. One reason is because I don't want my husband to see me tracking. He is totally against me "dieting" in any way right now. However, I don't view Weight Watchers as a "diet." I view it as a healthy eating plan and what's wrong with me eating healthy?

I read in my Dr Oz pregnancy book that in the first trimester, I only need an additional 100 calories a day which is equal to a cup of FF milk. I can do that. However, I'm not. I've going way over my calories. Today I stopped at Steak and Shake and got a shake. Chocolate. I justified it saying that the dairy is good for the baby and the coolness made my throat feel better. After the fact I looked it up and it is 15 points. Holy Sh*t!!! FIFTEEN points for a snack?

This has to stop and it has to stop now.

I was watching Dr Oz today (I don't normally watch his show but it was on weight loss today) and he had 100 people who have lost over 100 lbs. I really admired all of those people. They are the 5% that have managed to lose the weight and keep it off. If they can do it, surely I can too right? I don't even need to lose 100 lbs. I'd be happy with 40 lbs.

The sad part is, a good portion of the women he spoke with talked about gaining most of their weight during a pregnancy. That could be me if I don't stop what I've been doing these last few days and come up with a plan. I've already made a batch of Fiber One muffins (blue berry) and I have my list for the grocery store. I need a plan. I can't blame my cold anymore. I need to step up and take responsibility for myself now before I start to gain and then just throw in the towel until after the baby comes. I can't do that. I won't allow myself to do that. I owe myself something after losing 40 lbs don't I? I have the responsibility to keep the weight off and not be 250 lbs after this baby is born. I owe my daughter that. I owe the baby that and most of all, I owe myself that. I am too important to throw my health away again.

Monday, February 15, 2010

I'm starting to adjust to the idea that I'm pregnant. It's still surreal to me, but I'll get used to it. I'm actually starting to feel sick to my stomach already so it's helping me to keep my eating under control.

I made a doctor appointment today but they won't see me for another month so I've decided to stick to WW until a doctor tells me not to. I also worked out today at the gym which felt great. I didn't give it 100%, but I'll get back into it soon. My nose is still runny and my cold is not 100% gone so I took it easy on the treadmill.

My excitement for today is that I booked our yearly Disney trip! Originally we were going to book the first week in December, but now that I will have a month old baby at that time, that plan was out. We are now leaving in TWO months! I am so excited. In about an hour and a half I booked the whole vacation including the dining. The only drawback to going at that time is I can most likely not take Xanex for flying. I am a horrible flier and the pills really help to calm me down.

I've done well with my eating, but I haven't tracked my points on paper. When I'm sick, I don't tend to follow the plan as well as I should. I feel better now and think I will be back on track tomorrow. I sure hope so anyway.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


I was wondering yesterday if anyone would have commented on my last post. I was thinking that I'll bet I have some words of encouragement and understanding from people. I was also thinking that it's a shame that I can't be as understanding of myself. If I wouldn't have written that last post and would have read it, I would have most definitely said "It's ok. You were stressed. This is a learning process and you will have bad days." Instead, I said to myself "You're a failure. WHY can't you just do what you are supposed to do and not eat junk? What IS your problem???"

Why is it so easy for me to be encouraging and understanding of people I don't know. I am quick to offer words of encouragement to others, but so damn hard on myself. Why is that? Why am I nicer to other people than to myself? I just don't get it.

On another note, I am freaking out. I mean totally, up nights freaking out. Remember the post I wrote a few days ago saying I felt like a failure because I couldn't get pregnant? Well...... I took the test yesterday and there was 2 little lines on that stick! I am in shock and I have so many emotions running through my mind it's not funny.

Normally I wouldn't even say anything this early (2 weeks) but this is most definitely going to affect my weight loss efforts. I am not going to tell my family for a few more months. When I was pregnant the first time, I got gestational diabetes and only gained 20 lbs during my whole pregnancy. It was only after I had my daughter that I also experienced post partum depression and gained THIRY pounds, taking my weight up to 250.

I've lost almost 40 lbs over these past two years and I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant the first time. However, I still have a long way to go!! I am not by any means at a healthy weight to be pregnant. I don't want gestational diabetes. I have come so far!!

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of happiness in me too. This is what I wanted and I know it's the right thing for my family. The thing is, I had given up hope about 6 months ago. I had resigned myself to only having one child. I just kept trying to get pregnant so that one day I could tell my daughter that I did everything I could to give her a sibling.

Now I am scared to death that I will gain a ton of weight and be back to square one a year from now. Yes, I am freaking out right now!!!!!!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Today was not a good day. It started off just great, but then I had to take my daughter to the doctor for her 4 year check up. I ate a healthy breakfast and was planning on working out when I got home. It was supposed to be a routine visit but it ended up taking over TWO hours!

First the doctor in training comes in and wants to examine Ella. He likes to talk. And talk. And talk. Ok, I know doctors need to learn on "real people" but when you have an antsy 4 year old, it might not be the best time to chat about the human body and how it works. Then the "real" doctor comes in and does everything the doctor in training did.

After the doctors were done, the nurse comes in and starts asking me questions about the immunizations and if they are covered by my insurance. I worked for a dental office for 20 years, so I know people are responsible for their own coverage and should know what is and isn't covered. The thing is, I have never been asked these questions. She told me to call my insurance company to find out what they cover. I pulled out my cell phone and was in hell. I could not talk to a person at the insurance company and never did get the information. That is so frustrating when you are sitting in the room and a nurse is looking at you waiting for you to give her the go ahead to give the shots.

After all is said and done, Ella ended up getting 3 shots and she was not happy. I was hungry, tired and just crabby. I wanted food, and I wanted it right then. We ended up at McDonalds and I got a 6 piece chicken McNuggets. No fries or even a pop, I drank water. Did this satisfy my crabbiness? I wish I could say "yes." I wish I could say I realized right then and there that food would not make me happy and I should have found the time to work out. However, that didn't happen.

I called my husband on the way home and he said since I had a stressful day, I could decide what we were going to eat. I wish that my husband could have said "I would really like something healthy." I know he can't win and when I'm in that kind of mood, he can never say the right thing. But, since my food of choice (kind of like my "drug of choice") is pizza, that is what I decided we would eat. I am sick to my stomach right now and disgusted with myself. The pizza did not make it all better. I'm still tired and crabby. To top it off, I didn't work out today.

I wish I would just skip blogging on days like this. I wish all my posts would be upbeat and motivational like yesterday. That would be a lie. We are all on this long journey of weight loss. We will have good days like yesterday, and bad days like today. I cannot change what I did today. I can only change what I am going to do tomorrow. Tomorrow will be another "good" day, I just know it. Tomorrow I will work out and eat healthy. I will not dwell on the negative from today, but look forward to the positive of tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Another giveaway

I just read about another giveaway from a blogger. Check it out:

Have I told you how much I love.......

my panini grill? The first picture is my 6 pt lunch. (2 pieces of Ezekial bread, low fat cheese, thin sliced ham and an apple) The reason I love my panini grill is because it melts the cheese and makes it taste like a good old fashioned grilled cheese, without any butter. I can make a regular, boring sandwich taste like a sandwich I would buy at Panera. However, my sandwich is only 4 pts while the Panera sandwich would be approximately 10 pts. And, when I use the Ezekial bread, it adds a slight crunch because the bread is so hearty. Most days I use a Sandwich Thin, which tastes really good too.

If you don't have an panini grill, I suggest you look into getting one. If you like sandwiches, it is totally worth it. I think I got this one over a year ago at Costco for about $40. I use it about 3 times a week.

This morning I got up thinking about my daughter's birthday cake sitting on my counter. The cake with the home made butter cream frosting. Probably my favorite cake in the world. I've eaten very healthy today. I have about 19 pts left for the day and I have eaten breakfast, lunch and a snack. (BTW, I defrosted a Fiber one muffin for my snack and it tasted just as good as when I first made them) I'm making stir fry for dinner so I will have enough points left to eat that cake.

But then something happened........

I decided to suck it up and do my Last Chance Workout again. I haven't done it in a week and I've been putting it off. I hate doing it. It's very difficult and I am not a huge fan of exercise to begin with. However, the feeling I get when I've made it through is indescribable. I feel like I've completed a marathon. I'm sweaty and strong and motivated to lose weight. The feeling is so much more powerful than how I feel after I eat that cake. I admit, sometimes I get a "high" after eating certain foods. It makes me feel good. I have not, however, found a food that makes me feel as good as a good work out does.

I have no desire to eat any more cake. I will have a WW ice cream sandwich that will taste just as good (well, almost as good) , but I won't feel like I've cheated. I'll feel proud of myself and know that I'm in this to win it. I will reach my goal this year as long as I keep making decisions like this. I know there will be days when I will go for the cake, but as long as I have more days where I reach for the healthy stuff, reaching my goal is no longer an "if" it's a "when."

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Vision Board

This is a picture of my vision board:As you can tell, it still needs some work. I am trying to figure out what else to include on there. I think I am over thinking it.

If you had a vision board, what would you put on it?

I first read about vision boards long before "The Secret" came out, but never created one until last year. I truly believe in the Law of Attraction, however I don't believe in how they represented it in the movie. It was kind of hokey and if I remember correctly, they actually have a genie that represents the Universe that grants wishes. I don't believe it quite works like that.

If I post my vision board on my wall in my bedroom and look at it every morning, I am very unlikely to make a big pile of pancakes with syrup for breakfast. It is a reminder of what I want to create and attract into my life. I know that when I remind myself of the things I want in my life, I will look for ways to attract it and work towards it. I have tested this in small ways and it really does work.

In creating this board, I have realized that I need to get more specific in my thinking. I can think I want to "lose weight" and be vague about it and I get vague results. I need to start thinking about losing 2 lbs a week and actively start working towards that goal. By the way, if you think "I want to lose weight" the Law of Attraction says you will always "want to" do it and won't actually achieve it. I'm still trying to figure out specifics on what I want to do in my life right now. I've very vague in my thinking about happiness, love etc. I need to pinpoint things I want to work on and start working on it.

My daughters birthday party was a success. I can't believe it, but I did not pig out like I thought I would. I was too busy to stuff my face. I ran some games, prepared the food, served the cake and then opened presents. I gave a lot of the food away after the party so I wasn't stuck with it. Yesterday, I had a small bowl of the Mexican dip with some pretzels instead of tortilla chips. Today I had a small bowl of chip dip with the pretzels again. My husband finished the Mexican dip last night and hopefully tonight he will finish the chip dip. I am going to make another birthday cake today (today is her actual birthday) and have a small piece and give the rest away.

I have not been to the gym because my daughter is sick. I really miss it. I am struggling to make myself work out at home. I walked on my treadmill yesterday and I need to do something today. I just don't feel like it. I want to go to the gym and work out! Maybe I will feel more like working out after I make her cake. Looking at the cake and knowing how much I want a piece will make me realize that I need to work for it. I just feel like I get a much better work out at the gym instead of at home. At the gym I can just put on my head phones and work out. I can't do that at home without being interrupted. I'm hoping I will get back there by the end of the week.

Friday, February 5, 2010

I am not going to do what I did last weekend, I can promise you that. I am going to use this weekend as a "learning weekend" and I'm going to prove to myself that life can get in the way and I can still succeed.

Today was a crazy day. I took my daughter to school and started running. Days like this are tough for me. I have a ton of errands to do in 3 hours. It is so much easier to run in and out of stores when Ella is in school. However, I don't always take the time to eat. I had my go to breakfast of 2 egg whites, a high fiber English Muffin and a banana around 10 am. By the time I got to the school to pick her up, it was 3:30 and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I was starving.

When I get like that, I think about all the things I want to eat. Pizza, cheeseburgers etc. I even called my husband and told him Ella and I were ordering pizza for dinner because he was going out with a friend. I justified it in my head saying that I still had 24 points left in the day and how bad could an innocent pizza be?

Then I started thinking about the last time I wanted to "cheat" and how proud I was of myself when I didn't do it. I remember telling myself that I still feel good (and full) after eating a healthy meal as I do when I eat "badly." I also remembered last weekend and the company coming from out of town, and how it took me ALL WEEK to get back to my "pre company" weight. A WEEK?!??!?! I asked myself if I wanted to repeat the week. If I had the pizza tonight and ate at Ella's birthday party on Sunday, I would most likely throw in the towel tomorrow too. I could potentially blow a whole weekend and end up gaining a few pounds this weekend.

I realized how silly that was. I realized how good it felt and how proud of myself I'd be if I just stood my ground and stuck with my plan. I stopped at the grocery store, bought some mushroom and make myself a very tasty shrimp stir fry. 9 points total. I feel full and proud of myself for not giving into my emotions.

This is always a tough time of the month for me. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant with no success for about 2 years now. My period is due on Monday, so these last few days of waiting are always hard. I know one reason I overeat is because we have been unable to get pregnant. It makes me feel like a failure and it's an emotional roller coaster every month. I am very thankful that I was able to get pregnant with Ella and that she's healthy and the absolute love of my life. I still get a little sad that, so far, I have been unable to give her a sibling. I also feel like time is running out. I told myself that I wouldn't keep trying after I turned 40. I turned 41 last September. I don't have it in me to give up yet, but the clock is ticking. I'm not as focused on this as I was when I was trying to get pregnant with Ella, but it still hurts every month when I realize we've failed again. At least I get to focus on the party this weekend and have my mind occupied with that.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm finding it difficult to exercise this week. I feel like a chicken with it's head cut off. I'm trying to get all the small details done for my daughter's 4th birthday party this weekend and I seem to be falling behind day after day, instead of actually getting ahead.

The good news is, I am back to my "pre weekend" and "pre Christmas" weight. Although I've only worked out once this week, my eating has been really clean so I haven't gained anything. Actually, I have lost. However, I think that is just the water weight I picked up from eating really bad last weekend.

Last night my husband comes home and his nose is running. I don't know if this is all men, but when he gets sick, the world stops. He can't do anything but lay around and complain. I truly believe that if men had to have babies instead of women, the human race would have died out a long time ago. The man cannot tolerate any kind of physical illness whatsoever. I just don't get it. If I had to guess, his mom took care of him each time he had so much as a sniffle and now he cannot do anything for himself when he is feeling under the weather. She is no longer alive so I cannot confirm this theory.

Even though I have dropped the ball on working out this week, I feel good. I feel like I am on track and once I get through this weekend, I will have time again to work out. This time it isn't that I don't want to do it, it's because I have all these other things to do and I feel they are more important. I guess someone would read that and say that I need to put myself first and take care of myself. I get that, and normally I would agree. However, this time I want to make this party perfect for my daughter, which will in turn make me happy. As long as I'm not gaining weight, I'm ok with taking a break this week from working out.

I also want to add that I've heard Jillian say time and time again on Biggest Loser that moms have to learn to put themselves first. That is so hard to do. When you conceive the baby, you have to watch what you eat and do to preserve the pregnancy and have a healthy baby. Then, once the baby comes out, you have to drop everything and take care of him or her. You can't tell a baby to sit quietly and wait while you work out. For about the first 2 years, you have to watch that baby to make sure they are safe and healthy. My "baby" is turing 4 and still requires a lot of attention from me. Yes, I can tell her that I'm going to work out and she can sit and watch tv now, but this is only recently that I've been able to do this. It's very difficult to suddenly turn off that switch and start thinking about yourself again, and even when you do, it's not like it was. You are always thinking about what you can do for that child that you love so much. I don't always put her first, but there are times when she comes first. That's just life. I also find it strange that Jillian is so adamant about moms taking care of themselves first and she has never had a child. She has no idea how all consuming the love is and at times, how we willingly put ourselves second or third or fourth because it makes us happy to see the people in our lives happy.

I'm not saying that moms everywhere should ignore their own needs and always do everything for everyone else. I'm just saying that it's not always that cut and dry.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I feel like I'm back on track today. I've already had a healthy breakfast and I'm going to the gym in a little bit.

This is going to sound silly, but I think my funk had to do with a book I was reading. I've been reading it for about a month. It's a great fiction novel about 2 friends who grow up together and are BFF's for life. Sounds great, right? ( I should also throw in there that I take my books with me when I go to the gym. I work out for an hour and read for the other hour my daughter gets in the daycare. I get 2 hours total a day and I try to take advantage of both hours) I've been reading this book for about a month now since I only get a few hours a day to read. When I read a book, I kind of fall into the world I am reading about. I really like to read (Twilight- YES. Harry Potter- Oh Yes) So, I'm reading this book, everything is great. Then, suddenly one of the main characters that I totally identify with gets an aggressive form of breast cancer and is dying! WTF?!?!?!? She has kids and dies! This is where I have to say that this is my biggest fear in life. My mom died when I was 13 and she was 44. (BTW, I am 41 now) Dying didn't scare me as much until I had my own baby. I am terrified of dying young and leaving her without a mom.

If I would have known this book was going to end this way, I would have never read it. Who wants to read a fiction book about something that is your biggest fear? So, I cried most of the day on Sunday because I had time to read and finish the book. Then I start thinking about what I would say to my daughter if I was dying and my husband and oh, it just went downhill from there......

Then I get up yesterday and I was up THREE fricken' pounds on the scale! HOW THE F*CK DOES THAT HAPPEN?? Is it even possible to gain THREE pounds in 2 days?!??!?!?

But, I am leaving that in the past. I am healthy and I will not die early and I will see my daughter have babies. At least that is what I am telling myself today so I will get my butt to the gym and have a healthy, long life.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Thank God it's over

That was a very long weekend. It kind of fell apart yesterday. I was very stressed out. I yelled at my BIL and I was fed up with the whole weekend so what did I do? I ate pizza. 2 pieces of pizza. I would not have eaten them if they weren't in my fridge, but they were. We had almost a whole pizza left over and my Catholic guilt will not allow me to throw it away.

I am going out to dinner with my neighbors tonight and I have every intention of ordering something healthy. I have not had much to eat because my stomach was upset today. My niece came down with a horrible case of food poisoning so I really think my mind is upsetting my stomach. Food poisoning is not contagious and I did not eat the same food she did so I should be fine.

For the first time in a long time I didn't feel like working out and I didn't. I convinced myself that I was coming down with a horrible case of food poisoning and I will actually be helping my body if I didn't work out. My body is just tired from this stressful weekend and just wanted a day off. Or my mind did. Working out probably would have helped my mental state today, but I just couldn't force myself to get on the treadmill. I'm just in one of those "blah" moods today. I'm hoping after a good nights sleep I will be back to 100% and willing to work out.