Monday, April 17, 2017

It's been a long time

I know I haven't posted in a long ass time. My life has taken a dramatic turn in the last six months and I've been lost.

Six months ago (on my daughters 6th birthday) my best friend passed away. She had cancer and was slowly declining over the past 2 years. I never posted about it because you just never know who reads your blogs and I didn't ever want her to know I was posting about her.

My world has fallen apart. About a year before she passed, she was encouraging me to lose weight. I was on a great path and lost over 30 pounds. Then, she passed away and I feel like I will never get out of this abyss I have fallen into.

I don't really post about this, but I am a classic introvert. I have very few friends but the ones I do I am fiercely loyal to. For the past 2 1/2 years I have taken care of my friend, been there for her and her daughter and it pretty much consumed me. She was the type of person who I could tell anything to. We talked daily and about everything and loved each other dearly. I pretty much put everything on hold for her. It was a roller coaster ride. One day she'd be doing ok, and the next not so great.

At the end, I knew it was coming. I was actually in Disney world and I knew I would come home to help plan a funeral. It was absolutely awful.

Anyway, now I just don't know how to start again. I pretty much pushed everyone away these last couple of years so I could help my friend. Now, there is nobody left and I am trying to meet new people and start having a life again. But, being an introvert is really making all of this hard. I wish I could be one of those outgoing people who can talk to anyone, but I'm just not like that. I'd rather be alone. I just know that too much alone time isn't good for your soul.

My friend actually lived across the street so I am helping raise her child and my husband and her husband are pretty good friends so we see them almost daily. I don't know if that helps or hurts because every time I walk into her house I am reminded that she is no longer there.

I have been thinking lately that I am starting to use her death as an excuse to hide away and not care about my body or weight. I am severely overweight at this point. I'm too embarrassed to even post how fat I've gotten. I keep telling myself that I have 2 daughters who need me and if my friend knew how far I have let myself go, she would be PISSED. She was SO happy when I was losing weight. She was my cheerleader. Damn, I miss that SO much.

I am hoping the next time I post I will have great news and tell anyone who is still reading this (probably nobody) that I am doing great, I'm back on track and feeling healthy. I know I will get there. I just hope I'm not 300 pounds before I finally wake up and get my ass back on track.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Pluggin' along

I seriously cannot believe it has been over six months since I have written anything. I think about it a lot, but then never get around to it.

Over the past year I have lost 35 pounds and for the most part kept it off. I still have another 50 to go, but I keep telling myself that I have lost weight and kept it off.  It's not coming off nearly as fast as I thought it would, but I have to realize that I haven't gained any weight in a year. That's something to celebrate.

To say there are times when I am seriously struggling would be an understatement. However, I am very happy that I haven't given up. I also know that my thinking has finally changed. I don't eat and eat and eat without thinking about what I am doing. If I have a bad day, I get right back on track the next day.

I also did something that I said I wouldn't do. Four weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers. I just couldn't seem to lose anymore weight and I was stuck for months. There is nothing more frustrating then thinking you are doing everything right and not seeing a smaller number on the scale. There were many days when I just wanted to give up and I'd think "I just want to stay fat. It's so much easier." I never gave into that for more then a few hours, but the thought is there.

Before joining WW I gained about 5 pounds of the 35 I lost. In the first 2 weeks of WW I lost that 5 pounds and then some.  However, since then I have been on 2 weekend trips that have really screwed me up. I can't seem to control my eating when I'm not in the safe bubble of my own home.

My plan is to get back on track and track everything that I put into my mouth. I will start that tomorrow and keep doing it. I find that I am successful when I actually look up and track the points of everything.  I love the ap where I can scan my foods and they automatically track them for me.

I just want to lose this weight and figure out how to maintain the loss. I think about all the years I said "This will be the year I lose the weight for good." I'm sick and tired of doing that. I finally think that mentally I am in that place where I can actually do it. I've been going to the gym at least 3-4 times a week. Now I just need to get my eating under control the majority of the time. I SO want to be in onderland. I haven't been there in years and it's my first big goal.

If anyone is still reading this, I will start writing more often. It  helps me to write out what's going on. With 2 kids it's hard to do it, but I have to make it a priority.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Still making progress

It's been a few weeks since I've written. I am happy to report that I have lost 31 pounds since I started. But boy this has been a hard journey. It's coming off much slower then it ever has and it just seems like every day is a struggle.

I saw my doctor last week for a physical and I found out that I am pre diabetic. If I was not on my weight loss journey already I would have been really bummed. But, since I've lost 31 pounds already I know I am well on my way to not being a diabetic. She told me the numbers were high last year (I don't know the technical terms for "the numbers").  I guess if you have high numbers you will be diabetic in 3-5 years.  I am very thankful that i have time to correct this, but at the same time I think I've worked so hard to lose this weight that I should be healthy NOW!

I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer but I also made a goal for myself that I would be able to wear my wedding ring by Feb 9. I don't think I will hit that goal and I am so sad about that. I know I am doing well, and I will continue to do so, but I have set goals for myself that I won't hit and that makes me angry at myself.

I think what makes me sad is that fact that I'm getting older and what I used to be able to do to lose weight doesn't work as well now.  I don't feel 47. I feel like I should be in my 30's. I'm trying to be thankful for everything I've done, but at the same time I'm mad that I can do the same things I used to be able to do and not get the same results.

My new goal is to be the in 220's next week. I have been working out A LOT more so I'm pretty confident I will hit it. Not, I'm not confident I am SURE I WILL hit my goal. Period.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Making progress

I know I haven't written for a while because I didn't want to jinx my progress. I've been watching what I eat since the beginning of August. So far I have lost 24 pounds. It has been MUCH slower then I anticipated. Going into this, I thought I could do the same things I did when I was younger and make progress but that's just not the case anymore. I have to work harder at the age of 47 then I did when I was in my 30's. In my mind I'd think I could easily drop 2 pounds a week if I just put my mind to it and that didn't happen. As a matter of fact, I only lost 2 pounds last month. But, even if I lost 2 pounds a month, in a years time,  I'd be down 24 pounds.

I guess I'm starting to buy into all those sayings that I've heard about losing weight:

- Time will go on anyway so you might as well try to lose weight while the time is passing
- The only way to lose weight is to work out and watch what you eat
- There is no easy and fast way to lose weight if you want to do it in a healthy way

I would say the #1 thing that has helped me lose weight (this time around) is having the accountability. I have a friend who has recently lost weight. We aren't BFF's or anything, but I've known her for a few years and she offered to help me with my diet. For months we kind of texted back and forth about it and I gave losing weight a half hearted attempt.

In July she started texting me daily. She'd check in every single day and keep me accountable. She called me on my BS and I would start thinking about her when deciding about what I should eat. I think it's important to point out once again that we aren't BFF's. I think the people closest to you will enable you and cut you some slack. Because we weren't that close, she wouldn't do that. She would call me out when I made excuses and keep me accountable. I know that I'm doing the work, but if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have lost this much weight. As a bonus, we have become closer friends. I'd like to think that I am helping her with accountability too.

I have to get it into my head that this will be a battle I will be fighting the rest of my life. Once I'm at my goal weight, the second phase of maintenance begins which I have heard is almost harder then losing the weight. I'm not even thinking about that right now.

I think another reason I'm sticking to it this time is because I was seriously considering weight loss surgery over the Summer. I knew in my heart I could lose the weight myself  if it I just gave it a real effort, but it is so tempting to just have the surgery. I am NOT saying that surgery is the easy way out. I'm sure it is a very difficult process but I have some friends on Facebook that have both had the surgery and it looks like the weight is just falling off of them and i was jealous.  I have 2 little kids. I didn't want to risk something happening to me and leaving them without a mother. I told myself that i'd give it one more real effort and if it didn't work I'd look into the surgery. So far it is working on my own and at this point I don't think I weigh enough to even qualify for the surgery which is good news.

What is the most amazing thing to me is that I managed to lose 2 pounds in November. Typically in November I will gain 5 pounds because of Thanksgiving. So, even though it's "only" 2 pounds, it's better then gaining 5. I'm hoping to lose weight in December which is just unheard of for me. I can do it though! I feel really good going into the holidays and keep telling myself that whatever junk I'm about to eat just isn't worth it.

I will post after Christmas to update my progress. Merry Christmas and Happy New year!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Once again it's been a while since I've written on this blog. However, the reason is much different this time. I am doing really well right now. I've gotten myself on a healthy eating plan and I am making slow and steady progress.

I really hesitate to say this this time I've got it all figured out, but this time I feel like I really do. I am starting week #4 (this week) and I feel just as good as I did in week #1. I think the big difference this time is I have a friend who is keeping me accountable. She's been texting me just about everyday asking me how I'm doing. There have been times when I want to get a double cheeseburger but I know I can't because I don't want to let her down.

I keep telling myself that with each good decision I'm making I'm building a healthy lifestyle instead of just following another diet. I'm not getting discouraged when I don't see a number I like on the scale, because I know it's going to be a long time before I'm at a weight I would consider to be healthy.

My friend is also making me small goals to achieve. In the past I've started a diet and come up with really unrealistic goals. She has given me a goal to lose 10 pounds before Labor Day. I was up to 7 pounds lost before I went away this past weekend and gained back a pound and a half.  Even with gaining a little bit back, I will still be on track to lose the 10 pounds by Labor Day.

I just feel different this time. I don't even know how to really explain it, so I won't even try. But I'm optimistic that I will stay on track and get some long term results.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Conversations in my head

This is an actual conversation I had with myself this morning:

Me- You really need to stop this yo yo dieting and start losing weight for good

myself- yes, but it's so hard. We keep doing this over and over and it's all we know

Me- I'm so tired of this though. I want to lose weight for good and stop hating myself

myself- Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can

Me- I'm going to start a diet again. Tomorrow. I will start it tomorrow

myself- That's crazy talk. Everyone knows you can't start a diet on a Wednesday. It has to be a Monday

Me- I can start it tomorrow. I can start it any day I want to it's my body

myself- Ok, fine. Start your diet tomorrow, but what are you going to do  this weekend? It's Mothers day. You know you are going to go out to dinner and pig out. You only get one Mother's day a year. Do you really want to spend it dieting?

Me- True. That would suck. But I'm just so disgusted with myself. I have to do SOMETHING.

myself- And next weekend you have the women's retreat. You will have no control over what you eat there. There is really no point in trying to lose weight before the end of the month. This time of year is always busy with the kids wrapping up school and all the activities they have.

Me- That is unacceptable. If I don't start now I will never lose this weight for good. You don't understand how miserable I am on a daily basis. My body is sluggish and I feel like crap. I get a good start and lose a few pounds and then something comes up and I gain it back. And I do that over and over and over. Will it ever stop?

myself- I don't know.

Monday, January 26, 2015

January is almost over and I've done pretty well. This past week hasn't been go great, but week #3 of any "diet" is usually not great for me. Some people hate the word "diet." I am not one of them. I am being real and I am on a diet. We are all on diets and I don't necessarily think that a "diet" is a bad thing. For me it's a reminder that I am paying attention to what I eat and I'm not shoving food into my mouth without thinking about it.

I have been tracking my food for the last 3 weeks. I use the ap Lose It and I really love it. There are times when tracking isn't easy so I have to guess the calories, but I would estimate that I can track 80% of what I eat easily. For me, just knowing the calories content in some foods make it easier to not eat whatever it is. For example, I was eating sushi thinking it's a healthy, low calorie food. Ummm, I was wrong. From what I could find, one pieces (not roll- one piece) is between 75-100 calories EACH. Last week I ate 9 pieces for lunch. After lunch I looked up the calories and OMG. Needless to say I won't be eating that much sushi anytime soon. But that's what I mean about knowing the calorie count of foods.

I have also been working out at least 4 times a week for the last 3 weeks. I don't know why it's so hard for me to stay consistent with working out because I feel SO good after I do it. I have a heart rate monitor and watch so I know how many calories I burn with each work out.

I know that some people find it hard to track all their food and count calories, but for me it's the only way I can be honest with myself and know what I'm putting in my body. If I know a piece of candy is 50 calories and I eat 5 pieces, that's 250 calories I am ingesting. When I'm not tracking, I will easily fool myself and think "Oh, it's only a few pieces of candy, it can't be that bad." Even with the tracking I don't track everything so I am probably eating a few hundred calories over what I'm tracking.

I do notice my motivation is starting to fade. The first 2 weeks I was all gung ho and spot on with my food and exercise. Last week, not so much, and now I am sitting here trying to talk myself into working out. I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I wish the foods I eat weren't tied to my emotions. There are people in this world that use food to fuel their bodies and that's it. Wow. I would LOVE to be one of those people. I eat when I'm happy, sad, lonely and every emotion in between and I'm finding it hard to stop doing that. So far, I have resisted wanting to eat when my emotions come up, but if my motivation is fading I'm afraid my resolve to be good will start to fade also.

I really am trying to take it one day at a time and not look too far forward and not look back at all. I don't want to remember that my week last week wasn't great because I don't want those emotions tied to this week. I want to start fresh this week and kick some ass. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kick ass and have a great week.  I hope you do too!