Happy New Year

Happy New Year! For all my whining the last post I can say that I managed to maintain my weight over the holidays. From Thanksgiving to New Years I weighed the exact same which is really good considering how I was feeling. It is a higher weight but I'm so glad I didn't put on an additional 10 pounds.

I am on day #3 of a new healthy me! I started tracking my food and drinking more water. I figured out my BMR which tells me how many calories my body needs just to stay alive at this weight. I deducted 500 calories per day so with diet alone I should lose a pound a week. If I add exercise in there, I will lose more weight. I don't have the exact numbers with me but deducting 500 calories a day put me at around 1800 calories per day. That's a lot. I can easily stay around 1500 and feel satisfied for the most part with what I've eaten for the day. By doing that I can lose almost 2 pounds a week with diet alone.

For the last 3 days I have eaten about 1500 calories per day. I can't say I'm "happy" with what I eat. I've created some really bad habits over the last 6 months that are going to take some time to break. I'd been stopping at McDonalds and getting a Mocha Frappe. The calories in that drink are obscene. I can feel myself wanting to drive there and get one, but there is no way I can lose weight and drink those at the same time. I would also treat myself to something sweet after each meal. That has to stop as well. It's ok if I allow myself something small each day, but that's it. Not a few times a day.

I guess what got me motivated was my niece being here over New Year's. My husband got "me" the XBOX 360 with Kinect for Christmas. (I have yet to use it but he's gotten really good at Call of Duty) Anyway, my niece asked me if I'd join her dance party with my daughter one evening and I didn't really answer her. I didn't end up dancing with them because I had no energy. I just couldn't believe that I'd become one of those moms who can't even play with their kids. I will not allow that. I WILL lose this weight so this Summer my kids will have a hard time keeping up with me. I will only have a few years with my kids being small and wanting to play with me. It's not too late to turn things around. At least I hope so.....

I know I haven't been posting. The reason is because I'm not doing well. I had a really awful thought today. I read and follow the anti Jarred and he is constantly posting about how he lost over 200 pounds. Sometimes I think he talks about it too much. I just want to tell him "Yes, I know you've lost 200 pounds. Can you write about something else?" Anyway, he wrote something like if he could do it, anyone could.

My awful thought was "no, I can't. Those people who do it must have something I don't." How self defeating is that? To honestly think I can't do it? Where do I go from there? How do I begin to start something when I don't think I can do it? To be honest, I can't. I have to get it in my brain that I can do it before I even try. It's hard enough to diet and exercise, but when you have a voice inside your head telling yourself you can't do it, you won't. It's just not possible.

I need to mentally get back to a good place. I have been very overwhelmed with the kids. I don't know how people do it with more than 2 kids. I have such a hard time keeping it all together with just the two. I know it will get better in time. It has gotten better now that Macy is over 1 year old, but I don't want to wait another year.

I feel like shit right now. Physically, I don't even want to admit this, but I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. My husband commented on it the other day when I carried something downstairs and was out of breath. Really? He had to say something? Doesn't he know how disgusted and embarrassed I am to be in this shape? I don't need him pointing it out to me.

I am still using the baby as an excuse to not go to the gym. She does terrible when she is there, but it's only because I take her for a day, she cries and I don't take her back. Once we both get into a routine it will be fine.

I know that I am a lucky and blessed person. I have 2 healthy kids, I am relatively healthy considering my weight and I have a good marriage. I've heard a lot of bad news about people and their situations lately that are much worse off than I am. I feel guilty whining and crying about things that aren't that big of a deal.

I know this post is scattered but I need to get back to posting. At least if I know I am accountable to this blog, maybe that will help me do something. One of my Christmas presents from my husband (the only thing I really wanted) was a day off. A day where I can go do what I want without the kids. That day was supposed to be tomorrow but the way things are shaping up I might not be able to do it. Anyway, the only thing I want to do is go to the gym. If I can go alone, have a nice long work out without being worried about getting called to the daycare, that might just be enough to get me motivated. That will be my first step. Tomorrow I will work out. I need to take it one day at a time and stop looking at it like one HUGE thing I need to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym. That's it.

Happy New year! Maybe everyone be blessed with good health and all the love they can handle in 2012!!!

I am back from Tennessee and ready to get back on track. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone and fully expected that. We stayed at someone's house and apparently this person doesn't eat lunch. They eat breakfast and dinner. However, since we were in the "guest apartment" we never knew when they were actually making breakfast so we missed it everyday. We'd end up eating a bowl of cereal which did not hold me over until breakfast. The only reason I am bringing this up is because we ate out everyday for lunch. I didn't make great choices, although I didn't make awful ones either. Because of that I think I was holding water because of the sodium. I was up 4 pounds yesterday but lost 2 of this yesterday so I don't think it was an actual gain of 4 pounds.

I am a HUGE Dr Phil fan and yesterday on yesterday's show he was endorsing ANOTHER fricken' diet and exercise plan. Ugh. My first reaction was to go online and order it ASAP. But, I'm not going to do that. I am sick and tired of throwing money at my problem. I know what to do. I know how to do it. Ordering another diet and exercise plan isn't going to make me get off my butt and work out. I'm really struggling with this because I always have the newest plan out there. I have the books, or the Wii game or whatever it happens to be. I am not going to cave this time. The plan is $69 and that will buy me almost 2 months of WW.

My plan today is to work out in my basement when the baby goes down for her nap. Going to the gym is out of the question because last week she started a phase where she has to be by me at all times or she screams. This is a new and hopefully short lived phase. I won't even attempt to drop her off at the daycare at the gym because she won't last more than 5 minutes. I need to stop using her as an excuse to not work out. I can still get in a decent work out in my basement. I have a TON of work out DVD's as well as those Wii games I mentioned previously.

I've also realized that I need to come up with a concrete plan. I'm been just saying I'm going to start something and I do for a day or two but then blow it. I don't have a concrete plan to follow and I need that if I'm going to succeed. I'm going to work on that today too.

I feel like I'm back on track.. sort of. I need to take steps to be firmly back on track and feel confident and motivated. I'm back from my trip and it's time to get my butt moving. My fear is I will blow off December thinking that because of Christmas there is no way I can lose weight. However, Christmas is just one day. I don't have a lot of family so for me, it really is only a one day celebration. I need to stop making excuses and just go for it. My goal is to have lost weight this month.

PS- this is totally off subject but I'm SO excited to see Donny and Marie in Detroit on Thursday night. Yes, I'm a huge geek but I've always been a Donny fan and can't wait to see the show!

I really need to keep up with this blog. I know only a couple people read it and one of them I talk to on a pretty regular basis so I don't always think about updating. It doesn't mean I don't read other blogs still. I do, I just haven't had much motivation lately, so it's hard to update when you don't have anything good to say.

However, I finally have some motivation today. I got on the scale this morning and almost cried. I have gained 19 pounds since August. Wow. I am shocked and saddened that I have allowed myself to gain this weight. It made me realize that I think so much about losing that I don't think at all about maintenance. If I would have only maintained my weight I wouldn't be the weight I am today.

I know my laundry list of reasons why this has happened. I told myself today that I need to stop talking about it, stop complaining about it, stop all my damn planning and just DO something. Anything. I just got done walking on my treadmill for 40 minutes. That's something. My eating should be pretty good today. I need to stay away from the Halloween candy. That has been on major obstacle these past few weeks.

This weekend is going to be tough. We are going to Tennessee to stay with my sister in laws family. I don't know these people very well so I'm a little nervous. We also won't have a lot of control over what we eat. However, one good thing is there will be a woman there who is an avid runner and very healthy. I'm hoping to pick her brain and get some tips on getting in shape and motivated.

I'm going to start paying attention to maintenance. I don't want to reach Jan 1 and have another 20 pounds to lose. I am going to (at the very least) maintain over this holiday season. So while I don't have great news to report, I have woken up and realized I need to stop the madness.

I have seriously neglected this blog. I haven't had much to say lately.

I just got back from vacation last week. Took the family to Disneyworld. I don't usually post that stuff prior to the vacation because I don't want people to know that my house will be empty for a week. You just never know how reads your blog. Anyway, I thought I would have gained a TON of weight because with the dining plan at Disney, I am basically eating all day long. I was very relieved to find that I only gained one pound the whole week! Talk about relieved.

I've been in kind of a funk lately. I know that if I don't have my diet right, exercise will not do that much for weight loss. So, I've put both on the back burner. Today I got on the scale and saw that I've lost 4 pounds in this last week. That has renewed my motivation! I guess I should back track and say that I have been watching what I eat this past week. I have not been on a "diet" but just holding back on the amount of junk I consume. So far it is paying off. Makes me wonder how much I could have lost if I was on an actual diet.

The thing is, life is really busy right now. I have to incorporate a busy life and being healthy. It's always in the back of my mind that I'll be better "tomorrow." That thinking has caused me to gain weight these last few months. I am starting to think that I need to be healthy now. Today. Not some random time in the future.

This weekend is my baby's first birthday party. That means cake and pizza and junk. Ugh. I'm going to get some salad and a fruit bowl and try to be as good as I can be.

I know this post is random and all over the place but I have about 5 minutes to write before taking my daughter to school and I wanted to get something written today. I want to get back to blogging and keeping track of my food intake. That seems to be the only things that works for me.

Well, the new diet plan didn't go as well as expected. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained, but I also haven't lost. Today is my birthday and I refuse to start my day off on that damn scale. It probably will not be good, so I don't even want to go there.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I really didn't think it would affect me (the Anniversary of 9/11) but it really did. It got me thinking about life and what's really important to me.

I want to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But, after years and years of obsessing about my weight, I'm ready to stop. Stop thinking all the time about what I eat. Stop feeling bad when I don't make time for exercise. Stop obsessing daily about my weight and body. It's so draining and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I think I've said this before, but I can guarantee you on my death bed I will not say that I wish I was skinny my whole life. I will say I wish I wouldn't have worried about it so much. I wish I would have just enjoyed my life and not felt bad about myself every day.

I can also guarantee you that if I died today, my obituary will not say "She was a fat slob who didn't take care of herself" It would list all the good qualities I have that I never give myself credit for. THOSE are the things I want to start concentrating on. I don't want to be so quick to judge myself and what I do. I want to cut myself slack like I would anyone else in my life.

I am NOT saying I am giving up. I will never do that. I am just saying I'm going to try to figure out how to have balance in my life and how to forgive myself. How to enjoy the "bad" things I eat instead of beating myself up about the calories. I want to take away all the power I've given food and learn how to just be happy with myself, no matter what weight I am.

How am I going to do this? I have no flippin' idea. But, maybe instead of buying another diet book, I can get a book about balance and forgiving myself. Maybe slowly but surely I can figure this out. I'm just tired. I'm 43 years old today and I don't want to waste one more year hating my body and constantly putting myself down because I've failed yet another diet. I want to start finding more joy in life and stop worrying so much about everything.

Yesterday I was standing outside and my neighbor came over. He was obviously upset. His wife passed away yesterday. They built their house to retire in. They probably had one good year before she got sick. I wonder what she thought before she died? Was she happy with the life she led? I want to be able to say "Well, I might have been fat, but at least I was happy" or "I turned it all around that 43rd year and finally figured it all out" Yes, that's the one.

I'm trying a new diet starting tomorrow. I need some structure. Just "trying to be good" is not working for me. I'm going to combine elements of both the 17 Day Diet and the South Beach diet.

On the 17DD you cannot eat red meat during the first cycle. I don't like that. On the South Beach diet, you can't have any carbs the first phase. I don't like that either. So, what I'm going to do if eat any kind of meat and eat only fruit until 2 pm like in the 17DD. Fruit will be the only carb I allow myself. And, I'm going to allow myself sugar free desserts like Jello and popsicles. Both are allowed on the 17DD but not on South Beach.

Confused yet? I just don't like either diet on it's own. I find them both too constricting so I do well for a few days and then go on a binge because I've been so deprived. This way I'm combining good elements from both diets and I'll see what happens. I'll give it a solid week before I decide if it's working.

I know this kind of sounds like I'm just taking the easiest route for both diets, but it's not really like that. I'm trying to set myself up for success instead of failure. It's better then what I'm doing now which is pretty much nothing. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I'd really like to lose 10 pounds before I go. These are not vanity pounds. These are pounds I need to lose so my clothes are comfortable when I'm out of town.

Tomorrow my 5 year old goes to Kindergarten for her first day. I'm getting so sad about this. I've been looking forward to it for weeks now, but now that the first day is actually here, I'm sad. I'm sad that these first 5 years of her life have gone by so quickly and it's only going to go faster and faster from here on out. I'm glad I'll have the time with the baby though. I'm sure we'll find plenty to do to keep us busy. (Like go to the gym)