Saturday, September 25, 2010

Baby Update

No baby yet. It feels like she will never come. I do have news though.

Last week the OB said he would induce me a week early, making me have the baby on October 11. The next day the office called and said they have scheduled my induction for October 18th! It turns out my OB will be out of town the week before my due date. Great. What's with these doctors thinking they can take vacations whenever they want- LOL.

The next day I went to have my ultrasound done and the baby is 8 pounds 2 oz right now! Holy shit! My appointment was later in the afternoon so I couldn't call the doctor to talk to him about inducing me earlier. If I wait until the 17th there is a good chance I will have a 10 pound baby and I really don't want to go through that. I'm going to call the OB and see if he will be willing to induce me a week from Monday. (He does his inductions on Mondays) I'm willing to beg if I have to. I am terrified that I'm going to have a HUGE ass baby!

So, that's my update. I'll hopefully have more specific news next week. I'm driving myself crazy trying to plan this out and I have to just let it go. It's not something that I can control and that's hard for me to deal with. Maybe this is the lesson I have to learn, to be ok with not controlling something that I have no control over.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I know I haven't been posting much lately but that's because I don't have much to say. I'm following this diet and not gaining any weight. I'm not working out. My days seem to be getting busier and busier and that's given me reasons to blow off working out. I know I will regret it later.

I know the fact that I am not gaining is why I don't feel the need to work out. However, I know doing some cardio each day will help me when I deliver this baby. I guess I just don't care. I'm still feeling really weak most days from this diet and don't feel up to it. I honestly cannot wait to get back to my "normal" eating. I do think I've managed to conquer my portion control issues. If I can just manage that, I won't put any weight back on after the baby comes.

That is my fear. With my first daughter I put on all the weight (40 lbs) AFTER she was born. I was depressed and ate whatever I wanted to eat. I'd drive to McDonalds almost every day and eat 2 double cheeseburgers and let my daughter sleep. I can't let that happen this time.

I think my mind set right now is "wait until the baby comes and then I'll get back on track." I know it's not the best mentality, but it is what it is. At the most I have 3 weeks to go. I know I won't be able to work out for a few weeks (and my gym membership expires on October 1) but if I can get into some sort of routine while my husband is home, it might make it easier once he goes back to work to stick with it. He'll be home for 6 weeks which will take us to Thanksgiving.

I think it's so interesting that the majority of the blogs I read are stalling as well. Is it the time of year? Are people just getting busier?

Anyway, I just wanted to check in and say I'm still alive. No baby yet. I get an ultrasound on Friday to see how big the baby is and then my OB will tell me if they are going to induce me before my due date or not. The appointment was supposed to be today but it was cancelled. I am so bummed! I'm kind of a control freak so I was looking forward to coming up with a plan. I will keep you posted once I know what's going on.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Do you know what scares me? Never being satisfied with how I look or what I weigh. In high school I weighed all of 170 lbs max. I thought I was a fat cow and hated my body.

When I got married I weighed 185 and bought a smaller wedding dress swearing to myself I'd lose enough weight to fit into it. Did I? Hell no. All I did was find out the dress I selected could not be altered and I had to order a new one 2 weeks before my wedding. Talk about stress!

I read so many blogs and so many people look just fine to me. They've lost weight and are still not happy. They want to lose just 20 lbs more or want to fit into a size (fill in the blank.)

What if that is me? I don't want to spend the rest of my life never being satisfied with how I look or how much I weigh. Is it going to be impossible for me to love my body no matter what?

I swore when I turned 40 that I would not spend another decade hating my body. On Sunday I will turn 42 and haven't changed much. I am still not happy with the way I look and want to lose weight. My goal weight is 175. Will that satisfy me? Will that make me happy? Why is my happiness tied to my body and how it looks?

I'm not saying I spend each and every moment hating the way I look and dwelling on the fact that I am overweight. But, each time I pass a mirror I cringe just a little. Then all those thoughts creep into my brain about how I'm letting myself down and how much my life could improve if only I could lose 50 lbs etc.

I don't want to live like this anymore. And, let's say I do get to 175. Will I be happy? Will I just find other things to hate about myself?

I know it's a little silly to think about all this now. I'm 8 months pregnant and let's face it, I can't really diet right now. Even after the baby comes it's going to take me a while until I can really work out and focus on eating healthy most of the time. I just want to love my body so my daughters will know that you don't have to be a size 8 to be happy. You can be a size 28 and be just as happy. Maybe not as healthy, but it is possible to be happy at that size isn't it?

I don't want to pass this legacy down. I want this to end with me. I am very careful about saying anything negative about myself to my daughter. I have never said that I am fat in front of her. I never intend to. When she's in the bathroom and I weigh myself I never even react. When I weight her I cheer her on for whatever she weighs.

I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. The thought just occurred to me tonight that I might never be satisfied with my body and that makes me incredibly sad. I have so much to be thankful and happy for in my life and to spend any time being sad about a body that is adored by my daughter makes no sense to me. She loves me just the way I am, and by the way so does my husband. I need to give myself that unconditional love and figure out how I got this way so I don't pass it down.