When I got married I weighed 185 and bought a smaller wedding dress swearing to myself I'd lose enough weight to fit into it. Did I? Hell no. All I did was find out the dress I selected could not be altered and I had to order a new one 2 weeks before my wedding. Talk about stress!
I read so many blogs and so many people look just fine to me. They've lost weight and are still not happy. They want to lose just 20 lbs more or want to fit into a size (fill in the blank.)
What if that is me? I don't want to spend the rest of my life never being satisfied with how I look or how much I weigh. Is it going to be impossible for me to love my body no matter what?
I swore when I turned 40 that I would not spend another decade hating my body. On Sunday I will turn 42 and haven't changed much. I am still not happy with the way I look and want to lose weight. My goal weight is 175. Will that satisfy me? Will that make me happy? Why is my happiness tied to my body and how it looks?
I'm not saying I spend each and every moment hating the way I look and dwelling on the fact that I am overweight. But, each time I pass a mirror I cringe just a little. Then all those thoughts creep into my brain about how I'm letting myself down and how much my life could improve if only I could lose 50 lbs etc.
I don't want to live like this anymore. And, let's say I do get to 175. Will I be happy? Will I just find other things to hate about myself?
I know it's a little silly to think about all this now. I'm 8 months pregnant and let's face it, I can't really diet right now. Even after the baby comes it's going to take me a while until I can really work out and focus on eating healthy most of the time. I just want to love my body so my daughters will know that you don't have to be a size 8 to be happy. You can be a size 28 and be just as happy. Maybe not as healthy, but it is possible to be happy at that size isn't it?
I don't want to pass this legacy down. I want this to end with me. I am very careful about saying anything negative about myself to my daughter. I have never said that I am fat in front of her. I never intend to. When she's in the bathroom and I weigh myself I never even react. When I weight her I cheer her on for whatever she weighs.
I don't even know why I'm talking about this right now. The thought just occurred to me tonight that I might never be satisfied with my body and that makes me incredibly sad. I have so much to be thankful and happy for in my life and to spend any time being sad about a body that is adored by my daughter makes no sense to me. She loves me just the way I am, and by the way so does my husband. I need to give myself that unconditional love and figure out how I got this way so I don't pass it down.
i think you will find a happy place. i think you are smart and strong enough to get to that 175 and be like "hells yeah" and knowing you i think it will just motivate you to get yourself to an even better place.
ReplyDeleteunfortunately i think it is human nature to always have some sort of issue with ourselves. but i have known a few people who have lost tons of weight and even though they didn't end up perfect they were so pleased with themselves that their new bodies were fantastic to them no matter what size they were at their achievement meant more than a few more pounds.