It's almost Christmas!

I can't believe Christmas is next week! How quickly time flies. I like the saying "The days are slow but the years are fast." That is so true. Especially when you have kids. Looking day to day some days just drag. There are other times when I look at my kids and can't believe they are so grown up.

This is an exciting time of year in our household. We are very excited about Santa visiting next week and the kids can't stop talking about it. I love when my 4 year old out of the blue asks about Santa. I know she's thinking about it and trying to figure out how it all works and how he comes down the chimney etc. I just love that both my kids still believe. It is such a fun time right now!

I was doing OK with my eating before going to Disney. I lost a few pounds and was feeling good because at least I lost some weight before I went. While I was at Disney one of my best friends texted me and told me she had cancer. That was difficult. It's still difficult. Without going into it to much, my world was rocked for a few weeks. I have never dealt with anything like this before. The news just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't know how to handle it. The first couple of weeks were hard. It's still hard, but I think I've processed it as much as I can and we are all dealing with it. Our families are very close and this is affecting all of us very much.

Watching someone you love go through something like this is very difficult.  I have never felt as useless as I do now. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix this. There is not much I can do to help because she has such an incredibly close and helpful family that there isn't much I can do for them. The only thing I can do is be there for her if, and when, she wants to talk and pray. It's is a very helpless feeling. I want to fix this.

I just wanted to talk about that a little because it is affecting my diet right now. For that first initial time period I didn't give a shit about what I ate. I didn't go crazy and eat everything in site, but I didn't care as much about what went into my mouth. Now I feel differently.  Now I want to eat better foods and less processed foods. I want to feed my kids good foods with less chemicals. My friend eats very clean and she still got cancer.

I am slowly replacing our foods with organic foods and our sauces with sauces with less  or no chemicals. For instance, when we needed syrup for our pancakes I went to Whole Foods and got a syrup that isn't full of chemicals. Have you looked at your syrup bottle's ingredients? I looked at ours and OMG, it's full of chemicals and has no real maple syrup in it! I had this information before and knew what to look for but I didn't often actually look at our bottles. Now that I am actually looking at the ingredients I am shocked at what I'm finding.

I think making these changes will help me lose weight. I'm not going to say I'm going full force right now and I'm planning on losing 10 pounds before the end of the year. I'm being realistic and know that I won't do that. My goal right now is to maintain my weight throughout the holidays and get a fresh start Jan 1. I'm going to cut calories where I can and work out when I can. If I can just do those 2 things maintaining my weight won't be hard.

I wish you a blessed Christmas and a safe New Year. By this time next year I will be writing about how proud I am of myself because I worked hard all year and am so happy that after all these years I am at my goal weight. I feel a change coming.

Things have certainly turned around for me. I'm doing great. I've lost a few pounds and I'm only a pound and a half away from my next goal. My stomach is totally fine now and I've been done with the antibiotics for over a week.

Mentally I'm feeling OK (today) about my weight loss. It is a day to day battle though. I wish I didn't have this insane need to step on the scale every morning. It dictates how I do that day and that's not a good way to live. I know there are many other ways to measure success when losing weight, but I need that validation from the scale. The problem is, when I'm not losing like I think I should, I tend to eat badly that day.

I will not hit my goal for my vacation next month. At this point, it's physically impossible, but I'm OK with that too. I did my best and was sidelined for a month with that stomach bug. I will get as close as I can and be happy with that.

I was at a party last weekend and was talking to someone who is getting her Masters degree to be a dietician. I had a very interesting conversation with her about being overweight and why it's so hard for me to lose weight. She suggested I try going gluten free. She said she knows it's a fad right now, but there actually is something to it. I've decided to look into it. I'm not going to start anything like that before my vacation or even before the holidays.  I know it will be hard to do and I just don't want to deal with that and those emotions during the holidays. I think I'm going to continue doing my carb cycling until January and then I'll try it. That gives me about 2 months to research it and find recipes to make. I'm just curious to find out exactly what gluten is and if my body needs it. From the limited knowledge I have, I don't think it has any vitamins or nutrients a body needs, but I just don't know for sure.

I'm tired of writing only when I'm having bad days. I think it's time to celebrate the days that I'm doing well too. This is such a roller coaster and I'm so ready to just be done, get to my goal weight, and figure out how to maintain. I am not getting any younger and each year it's harder and harder to lose weight. I have a feeling maintenance is going to be harder then actually losing weight, but I'm ready to find out.

Sidelined by sickness

I was doing great for a couple of weeks there. Working out 3-4 times a week, doing better with my eating. I was on a roll. Until an awful stomach virus hit me. I have never been so sick in my life. I was in bed for 2 days which I can never do because I have small kids. My husband had to take off work to take care of them while I was sick. I was really sick for a solid week and then just feeling icky the second week. I finally went to the doctor where it was determined that I have an infection in my gut causing all the issues I had.

My doctor started me on antibiotics which have their own fun side effects. I feel thirsty all the time and I'm coughing most of the night because my throat is so dry. I still have 4 days of these pills after today and then hopefully I will be back to good health.

That first week I was sick I lost 6 pounds because I just couldn't eat. I haven't lost anything since then because I think my body is just so screwed up it's holding onto every calorie I consume. Most days I wasn't eating more then 1000 calories but not losing any weight, so something was definitely off in my body.

What struck me as odd when I was sick was the comments I was getting from people on my Facebook page. I posted how sick I was and that I couldn't eat and there was a few people who said "Hey, at least your losing weight right?" I was kind of insulted by that. So, it's ok for me to violently ill because I'm fat? I felt like they were saying it was a good thing for me to be sick because I'm fat and only skinny people get sympathy when they are sick? At the time I was not happy in any way that I was sick and losing weight. I don't think anyone would be happy that they can't eat anything and feeling weak and in bed for days. I was just shocked that it was somehow ok for me to be sick because I so obviously need to lose weight. I guess it kind of hurt my feelings that people would say that to me. I don't see anyone saying that to a skinny person who's sick and can't eat.

Today I am having a good day so I have my work out clothes on and I'm heading to the gym. Without getting too graphic, most days I have to be close to a toilet or something really bad might happen. I have better days then others but today so far had been a good day. I will really be happy when this is all behind me.

If anything, this whole experience has made me appreciate my body for what it is. I'm healthy enough to not be so sick all the time.  Everything just kind of stops because you are unable to do much when you are sick. I started to realize that things aren't as important as I thought they were. And I also have a huge amount of sympathy for people who get sick while on chemotherapy. I just had a few days of not being able to hold down food or eat, I can't imagine having to do rounds of chemo and being that sick time and time again. It just feels good to actually appreciate my body and not see all the flaws all the time.

I'm ready to take these last few weeks I have before leaving for vacation and start kicking some butt. I have a goal in mind and I'm still reaching for it, even though I'm behind by a couple of weeks.

Still getting by

Last week was a tough week. I started to get on a roll as far as my carb cycling and exercising. I think I got in 4 work outs last week. Carb cycling is really easy and I'm not doing it 100% but I am mindful of the carbs I eat. I cut down wherever I can and I'm trying new recipes, which is a big deal for me.

But, then Wednesday came and we got some pretty bad news. My daughter who is 8 is best friends with another 8 year old girl that lives a few houses away. Her dad passed away last Wednesday. Talk about being shocked! He got into a motorcycle accident and was hurt pretty badly. They took him off life support on Wednesday evening. This is the second husband this poor mother has lost. This was my daughter's friends step dad. Her biological dad was murdered when she was one. I know, it's all confusing and I don't want to ever use names on my blog, so it's hard to explain, but the whole situation is devastating. He left behind 3 year old twin girls. My heart was broken for these people. I do know them both and I am friendly with them but I'm not friends with them. I still felt awful last week. Just trying to comprehend how this could have happened.

I did not turn to food though. I think I was so sad I just didn't want to eat. But, my birthday was on Friday. My wonderful co-workers got me a death by chocolate cake and took me out to lunch to my favorite Italian restaurant. On my actual birthday my husband took me out to eat at another Italian place and got me an Oreo Ice Cream cake. Needless to say, I wasn't being healthy on those few days.

But, I am happy to report that this morning I worked out for an hour on my treadmill and I'm having a great day eating. Since both my kids are sick I will not have to go to work this week so I should be able to work out everyday and eat healthy. I'm on my way to my goal to lose 20 before leaving for our trip. I am shocked that I didn't gain anything from my weekend of eating.

I am also proud of myself because there was not one time when I thought "Oh, I'll just start over on Monday." I made healthy choices when I could and didn't beat myself up for the unhealthy choices I made. I told myself that it was my birthday and I could enjoy myself as long as I got back on track the next day. I am really optimistic that I am going to lose some serious weight this week. I put up some pictures of Disney World on the wall of my work out area to remind myself that I'm doing this so I can walk around and not be in pain everyday. For the first time in a long time I feel like I WILL do this and I will succeed without a doubt. It feels good to have confidence in myself again.

I'm not even going to read my last post. I know it was bad. I was in a bad place. I'm still not 100% back to being motivated, but I'm on the right track.

I have about 8 weeks until we leave for our big trip and I'm starting a more focused plan tomorrow. I have all my menus planned out for the week and I got all the foods I need today. I'm ready to go. What I'm doing now is carb cycling. I'm still eating carbs, but just less on some days and more on others. My body responds very well to a lower carb diet, so that's what I'm going with.

I also went back to the gym on Friday and my 3 year old actually liked it. I wasn't going because she cried every time I wanted to go. Now she is looking forward to going so we'll go tomorrow. I work on Tuesday and Thursday so I will work out on the other days.

I need a plan to succeed. I can't just say I'm going to "be good" and just see what happens. That doesn't work for me. What works is having my meals written down and a work out plan. If I know what I'm going I am more likely to do it.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds before I leave for my trip. I hope it's enough to make a difference. I was on my feet for 3 hours today and I am feeling it now. I'm going to be one my feet for at least 8 hours a day on our trip. If I don't start following this plan I'm going to be in trouble. I don't want my husband or kids to have to slow down because I've let myself go so much.

My goal is to write a post once a week. I don't even think anyone is reading this anymore, but I think I need to record this. My goal is to lose 4 pounds this week. My birthday is on Friday and I'm going to really try to not go crazy on that day. The best gift I can give myself is getting healthy. Wish me luck!

I haven't written in a while and the reason is I'm not doing well. I am at my all time highest weight and I feel like a total failure. I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds and I can't seem to go more then a few days doing good and then it all falls apart. I don't know what's going on with me and I feel like I'm ready to give up.

The problem is I am going on vacation in November and we are going to Disney World which means a ton of walking. Honestly, at this weight I can't see myself doing it. I feel so crappy and my feet swell and hurt and I just don't see myself walking everyday for 5 days at this weight. However, I don't seem to want to do anything about it. I can't keep the motivation I seem to muster up for more then a day or two.

Right now I feel utterly defeated and like I can't do it. I don't know that I've ever felt this hopeless before and I don't know what to do about it.

Now you know why I haven't written, I've got nothing good to say and I don't have anything planned that will help me get out of this funk.

So there you go. That's it and I hope this whole situation passes and I can write in the future that I am doing great and have lost 20 pounds. I guess the only good thing I can say is that I've stopped gaining weight. Since I went back to work in October I've gained over 30 pounds. I just don't get what's going on.

I hope whoever is reading this is doing better then I am.

Doing better

Well this is week #2 of my new "diet" and I'm doing well. I need to tweak some things, but overall I'm losing weight (7 pounds so far) and not feeling horrible most of the time.

My friend is an employee of this company that produces healthy, fresh meals. Kind of like nutri system. Portion controlled, calories controlled, sodium controlled etc. We recently had a Mega Kroger open up and they are selling these meals. I was pretty much at my wits end as far as my dieting goes so I figured I'd give it a shot. So last Sunday I bought 12 of the meals. The one downside of the meals is they aren't cheap. They range from $6-8 each. But, my thinking is I will do them until I get my head straight as far as portion sizes and "healthy" food. I have been pigging out since last September (gaining 30 pounds) so my idea of "healthy" is pretty messed up at this point.

Week #1 I pretty much stuck to the meals and added a salad and healthy snack when I was extra hungry. I also worked out 4 times which helped. I lost 5 pounds week #1. Then, that Friday I was woken up at 4 am with chest pains. To make a very long story short, got a ride in an ambulance and spent the day in the hospital thinking I had a heart attack, which was confirmed at one point by a nurse. Talk about scary! And since I have a 3 year old, my husband was home pretty much the whole day and I was at the hospital alone. I had a lot of time to think about how I want to die and being in a hospital is not one of them. I was happy that I already had a good few days behind me of being healthy so I wasn't totally down on myself, but I was scared. After a long day it was determined that I had an esophageal spasm which feels like a heart attack but isn't. Whew! Dodged that bullet! That whole day just made me want to work harder to lose weight.

Week #2 has been slower. I feel hungry pretty much all the time. I feel weak sometimes. I think the problem is figuring out some healthy, filling snacks. Popcorn is out. That used to be my "go to" snack but my stomach can't handle it anymore.

So right now I'm actually in an optimistic state of mind. I do need to figure out how to portion control my own meals and start making more healthy options on my own. I do like the meals, but as far as money goes, it's adding up quickly. I know I can do it, I just need to put the time in and actually do it. Now that it's starting to warm up a little bit I may also be able to walk outside soon. This has been a LONG winter and I'm ready to get out and exercise.

I am very happy with a 7.5 pound loss for 2 weeks. I know I will have weeks where I can lose 4 pounds and other weeks I lose zero pounds. My goal right now is to lose 50 pounds by Thanksgiving. I have a family wedding in November in Florida and I would LOVE to get a nice dress that doesn't look like a tent. So far I am on track to make this goal a reality. My biggest downfall has been keeping my head in the game when it gets really tough. I tend to give up because it's been years since I've succeeded in losing weight. I need to really keep in mind that this process is a slow one and that's ok. Dieting and exercising is the easy part. Thinking that it's OK to not lose one week or not giving up is going to the tough part. I have to start believing that I can accomplish this.That's going to take some time, but I've got nothing but time.

Extreme Weight Loss

On Saturday I went to an open casting call for Extreme Weight Loss. It's a show that airs in the Summer and follows people for a year as they lose weight. I really didn't meet the requirements for the show because you have to need to lose at least half your body weight. I don't need to lose that much but thought maybe if they talked to me they waive that requirement. The other big reason I went is because I have a friend who needs to lose well over half her body weight and I knew I'd have to do it to get her to do it.

I arrived about 9:15 and filled out the application. As I was waiting there I was overcome with sadness. There were clearly people there who were over 500 pounds and desperately needed help. Some had canes and some couldn't even stand up in line because they were so heavy. At one point I thought "Why am I here? These people clearly need it more then I do."

As I was waiting they explained that they take people in groups of 5 and do group interviews. I didn't like that. I went in with people who were much bigger then me. There were 2 women in my group who were my same height and well over 300 pounds. I just think compared to them, they probably thought I didn't need to be on the show. Also, when you are answering questions with 4 other people, it's hard to stand out. I would have almost preferred 2 mins alone then 10 with 4 other people. I did not get a call back, so I guess I wasn't what they were looking for.

One thought that kept popping up in my mind was that I could do it on my own. I don't need a tv show to lose weight. I've done it before, and I can do it again. I woke up today without that big rush of motivation I feel when I start a new diet, but more like determination to just get it done. I'm not starting anything huge. I'm taking it one meal at a time. I was going to have toast with peanut butter this morning, but once I saw the calories peanut butter has in it, I chose a low cal cream cheese. Then for lunch I was going to have a left over piece of fried chicken but settled for grilled chicken. I wanted to work out so I walked in my treadmill for 35 mins.

I think it's going to be the little changes I make that add up to the big success. Most articles I read on weight loss stress making small, daily changes. That's what I'm going to do. I weighed myself this morning and I am at an all time high as far as my weight goes. I've got to stop and I've got to stop now. I simply can't afford to gain anymore weight. I will start suffering severe medical issues if I keep gaining weight. I'm 45 now. I can't possibly be this weight and age and not have medical issues because of my weight.

I think I'm at a point where I've realized that I just can't keep going like this. I need to stop making excuses and just start somewhere. I've been doing nothing now for a year and I've gained back all the weight that I lost. I just can't keep going on like this. It's time to start making the changes to live a long and healthy life. I guess today's just as good as any other day to start losing weight.