Wow, it has been a long time. I wish I could say I've figured it all out and I'm down to 150 and the happiest I've ever been. The truth is, I'm almost at the heaviest I've ever been and I have nothing figured out.
I started therapy last year and damn, it's just hard. It's good, but hard. I have many issues I need to work through and it just takes a long time. Too long. But, I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end and I will feel better about myself and even if I weigh 300 pounds I will be happy.
I've also had struggles with my job. I've tired so hard this past year to do this job and be happy and just take whatever comes, but it's just not working out. I have tried so hard to make it work and I really wanted it to work but it just isn't. So now I'm back to the drawing board in finding a job that suits me and my family.
My problem is I always come last. I put everything and everyone ahead of what I need. Because of this, I have no time or energy for what I need. I think a lot of mothers can agree with this. At the end of the day I have no energy to do anything that that I need or want to do. I still (after 13 years) have not figured it out and it's infuriating that I am still struggling with the things I have always struggled with. I turned 50 last year! WTF is my problem?
But, somewhere deep inside is a spark that has been ignited that I can and will figure it out. I don't know what it is. Maybe the new year, maybe some podcasts I've been listening to. Something has sparked and I believe this may actually be the year I figure it out.
We are surprising my daughter with a trip to Disney world. She will be turning 13 and she deserves a break. Last year she was diagnosed with arthritis. Not fun for a kid. She has taken it all in stride and deserves a trip where she can just have fun and forget about it.
We leave soon and when I get back I am 100% committed to making permanent changes. I can do this. We all can. We just have to decide that we deserve more. We are capable of doing more.
