Today is kind of a sad day for me. Not that I was a big Michael Jackson fan, because I really wasn't. He was a part of my childhood and it's always sad when a part of that dies. The world feels a little different to me today. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but it's just strange. I could see if I was a true fan and had all his albums, but I'm not and I don't. I guess I just feel sad for a 50 year old man who dies leaving behind 3 kids. Like him or not, it's sad.

Which makes me glad that I'm really trying to be healthy and lose weight. I can do something about weight. Geez, compared to other people's problems, losing weight should be a no brainer right? Farrah Fawcett didn't have a choice in getting cancer. Even Michael Jackson might not have had a choice if he got an overdoes of Demerol from his doctor, (just read that, not sure if it's true or not.) I HAVE the choice. I can choose to go eat cookies or broccoli. I have the choice of whether I want to exercise today.

I know it's not easy. But, shouldn't it be easier than kicking a drug habit or beating cancer?

I quit smoking 9 years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My God, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. Today I am choosing to be healthy. Today I am choosing to stick to a healthy eating plan. Today I am choosing to exercise.

I'm going to start making an effort to think about just today. Not the last time I was on a diet and failed. Not next week when I have some things scheduled so it might make it hard to stick to my diet and exercise plan. Just "now." Just today.

I try to walk on my treadmill for 45-50 minutes. When I first start, I don't think "Gee, I'm going to be on this thing for almost an hour." I think "hmmm, can I do the whole hour? Maybe not, but I can do 10 mins." Then after the first 10 mins is up, I think "Can I do 10 more?" I break it down into little chunks. I find it easier that way. Just like losing weight. I have about 50 more pounds to lose. Can I lose 50 pounds? I'm not sure about that. Can I lost another 5? Yes, no question about it. So, I'm going to lose the 5 and reevaluate and ask myself if I can lose just another 5. I think the all or nothing mentality can be the recipe for disaster to any exercise and diet plan. I have to stop thinking about the big picture and break things down into manageable chunks.

I realize I was kind of all over the board today, but that is how my mood is. I had my whole day planned and due to the storms last night, my whole day has changed and it's strange for me to have a whole day with nothing to do. I'm not used to that. I usually have my time planned out pretty well. Anyway, I don't think anyone is reading this blog anyway, but it's helping me stay on track. I also have the freedom to write whatever I want which feels really great, actually.

RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You will be missed and remembered often!

I am happy to report that after my last blog, I did get my butt on my treadmill and worked out. It was only 45 mins, but that is something. I am even happier to report that this morning I weighed in at 217 pounds. How did that happen? I have a few ideas.

First, I've been pooping on a regular basis these past few days. For a while there I wasn't and I know that has to affect the scale. How can it not? I've come to the realization that I am only going to weigh myself on days when I've gone to the bathroom regularly. Ok, I know this might be TMI, but it's true and I think it affects my weight so I need to say something about it.

Second, I also need to keep track of my sodium. I eat healthy foods but will sometimes put a sauce on them that is higher in sodium. That makes me retain water. I know on a day that I'm going to the bathroom a lot and haven't increased my water intake that the next day I step on the scale it will be a "good day." I still define my days on what I see on the scale and I need to work on that.

Third, I really think I hit a plateau. I have not changed anything in this past week. I went for almost 2 weeks not losing more than a pound and so far this week I've lost 2. The only explanation I have is a plateau. I've listened to Jilian's podcast where she has mentioned there's no such thing as plateaus, but I don't buy that. Every time my daughter would be getting a tooth she'd have a fever and diarrhea. Her pediatrician told me there is no medical fact behind this, but it happened to her every time. I feel that way with my diet. My body sometimes need a resting period to adjust to my new, lower weight. It's what MY body does. I have to accept this and remember it next time I go through this.

I've made it through and I'm still losing. I consider that a success.

I've kind of fallen off the wagon so to speak. I haven't actually gone hog wild, but I'm starting to get frustrated because the scale is not moving. I am doing everything I've been doing since Jan and all of a sudden no more weight loss. It is so frustrating I want to scream!! I can see if I were cheating or not working out. But, I am working out and I'm not cheating. I can't see eating less because some days I am really hungry and I have no more Weight Watcher points so I go to bed hungry. Eating less is just not an option. Maybe I need to work out more? I don't know. All I know is I want to eat and eat and eat because what I was doing is not working anymore.

Maybe I'm just burnt out, but I don't want to stop because I will gain weight back. I hit the 25 pound loss mark on Sunday. (I've gained a pound back sticking to my diet and working out- explain that one to me)

I guess I just need to look at the positives. I have not weighed this weight since before my daughter was born 4 years ago. All my clothes are big and baggy. I feel really great physically. Maybe if I can keep focused on those things than I won't be bothered so much by a number on a little machine that dictates how I feel. I HATE THAT! WHY do I care so much?? I am proud of what I've done so far. I feel really good. WHY am I letting the scale tell me differently? My friend suggested that I don't weigh myself for a week. That I'm probably just in a plateau and it will pass as long as I keep going. I don't know if I can do that. I can try. No, I won't try- I WILL DO IT. One week will not kill me. Maybe the pressure will be off so I can just relax and let my body do what it needs to do. Actually, it's Wednesday so it's not really a week. It's really only 5 days. I can do 5 days. I might have to put the scale away.

Ok, I wasn't going to do this today, but I guess it's time to get my butt off the couch and work out. My daughter had swim class and then we had a play date and I've told myself that I'm too tired to work out. The thing is, if I work out I will have the energy to get some stuff done today. So, I'm off to walk on my treadmill.

I wonder how many blogs go unread. All those thoughts put out there in cyberspace and most likely nobody is reading them. Kind of depressing.

Anyway, I was really shocked about something. All my life I have hated peppers. Every kind of pepper. Especially green peppers. I went scrap booking last week and the host served faijitas with peppers. Being the polite person I am, I ate them and was shocked that I actually didn't hate them. I decided to make faijitas myself a few days later and I added yellow peppers to it, and kind of liked it. Here I thought I would never eat a pepper in my life and I find out they aren't repulsive after all. Who would have thought?

I'm still in my plateau. That's what I'm calling it. I'm doing the same things I've been doing to lose 23 pounds and all of a sudden the weight stopped coming off. I'm not freaking out though. I just keep going. I always picture Dori from "Finding Nemo." She said when life gets her down she "just keeps swimming" and that's what I tell myself when I hit a standstill in my weight loss. I will just keep swimming until I see that 219 on my scale It will happen. Freaking out and bingeing will not make that happen. Keeping at it, working out and eating healthy will get me there, eventually.

I weighed in at 219.5 this morning. After 3 days of following my plan and the scale not moving at all, I was due. I was hoping for more, but I am grateful it went down just a little. I have one more pound to go and then I will have officially lost 25 pounds since Jan 5. Yes, it could have gone faster, but at least I'm down 25 pounds. If someone would have told me that it would take me 6 months to lose 25 pounds, I would have told them they were crazy. I would have told them "I can lose 2 pounds a week so I will double that." Well, I'm 40. The 18 year old could have lost 2 pounds a week. I am older and have much more to do with a toddler running around than that 18 year old. I need to cut myself some slack and for some reason, I actually am this time around. I don't get upset when the scale doesn't move. I don't give it all up when I've had one bad day. I don't know what has changed in this brain of mine, but I'll try to figure it out and share it.