Somewhere, somehow I've found motivation to be healthy. I've gone to the gym twice so far this week. I was supposed to go this afternoon, but the baby was really crabby after a morning of errands so I cancelled her appointment in the daycare. I got called back to the daycare yesterday when she wouldn't stop crying so I don't want to push it.

I have a friend who has lost about 20 pounds over the past 6 months. She is by NO means fat in anyway. I think she went from 150 to 130, so now she's super skinny. She works out everyday and usually for a few hours each day. Last week she kind of took me under her wing and worked out with me. She showed me a great upper body work out. We were walking on the treadmill and she told me to up my incline and speed. My initial thought was "oh no way, there's no way I can do that" but SHE didn't know that. She knows that I am capable of doing these things and should be doing these things on a daily basis. I did what she told me to and make it through the work out without dying! My arms were killing me for the next few days, but I DID IT.

That made me really start to think about how I don't give myself enough credit and don't push myself as much as I should be when I work out. I can see why people use personal trainers. They push you because they know you can do it even when you don't know yourself. The personal trainers at my gym are very expensive and I just can't justify paying $90 per hour for a trainer. My husband often complains about the cost of the gym membership so I can't even think about asking him to add a weekly training session to that. I'm just going to have to try to work out with my friend once a week if possible. She's thinking about becoming a trainer so maybe we can help each other.

I haven't seen any improvement on the scale. I know it's because I still don't have my diet nearly where it needs to be. I'm working on it though. I have been putting my food intake into My Fitness Pal on my phone, which does help me at least see what I'm consuming.

Next week my daughter starts kindergarten. She will be going 3 full days a week and 2 half days. I should be able to get to the gym on those full days. I'm excited and happy about getting my butt in gear, finally.

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Everything went very well. I hate the prep, but that wasn't even bad this time. The worst part of the whole thing was getting a lecture from the doctor IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND about my bad habits. She pretty much told me to grow up and do what I need to do to get rid of my acid issues. Eat better, lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Tell me something I don't know already lady!

She also told me I need to cut out caffeine 100%. I laughed in her face. First of all, I don't drink that much caffeine. Second of all, I've been on diets where my acid is controlled pretty well and I haven't cut out caffeine, so I really don't think that's the issue. I'd like to see her not drink caffeine with a 10 month old baby!

I was pretty embarrassed hearing her lecture me in front of my husband. I wish she wouldn't have done that because now he's going to be the food police. He has no clue about food though so I just find ways around that. He's at work all day so I can pretty much eat what I want. He's also clueless. I convinced him once that Kentucky Fried Chicken was healthy because it was chicken. He has no idea about healthy food. Now I just feel like I have to figure out ways around him telling me what to do which is just wasted energy. It goes along with my previous post about when someone tells me what to do I want to rebel, even if I know it's the right thing to do.

However, I am motivated now to start eating right. I've been telling myself since my reunion that once these tests were done, I'd get healthy. Now the tests are done and the results were good, it's time to take this seriously. I'm ready. School starts in 2 weeks so I will have time to go to the gym. I may even go to the gym today. Not sure yet because the weather is supposed to be horrible this afternoon, including a possible tornado. I should probably plan to stay at home this afternoon because of that. My 10 month old is almost walking and once she does I will no longer need an appointment in the daycare at the gym. I am SO HAPPY about that. I won't need to worry about her schedule and when she's going to nap. When she gets up, we go.

I do have another book to comment about. I just started it yesterday. Remember Geneen Roth? Well, she's written a new book. It's called "Lost and Found" unexpected revelations about food and money. I guess she lost her money because she invested in Bernie Maddoff's ponzi scam. She's tying in her spending habits with her eating habits. I am really interested in that. Not only do I binge eat, I binge spend at times. When I binge eat, I don't sit down and eat a bag of chips, I just eat something when I'm not hungry. I'm not that bad with binge eating. Binge spending is an issue for me. I need to learn how to control that. I'm only on page 27 and it's got me hooked. If I can figure out how to control my impulsive spending and eating I'd be one happy camper!

Ever get that feeling where you are almost motivated to change your life? You're right there, and you are almost ready to get started? That's how I feel right now. I'm almost ready to lose this weight for good. I'm almost ready to get back to working out. I'm almost there.....

I had blood work taken at the doctor a couple weeks ago. I got a call saying everything was A OK. That means I am NOT pre diabetic! That means my cholesterol is good. Everything is GOOD. This means that if I lose weight now, I might not have done any permanent damage to my body.

Next week Tuesday is a day I am dreading. I scheduled a colonoscopy and a scope down my throat. I have been on acid reducing medicine for over 5 years now and my doctor wants to make sure there isn't any underlying issues causing the acid. And the colonoscopy is because I had polyps when I was younger so they want to check me out every 7 years (I'm 2 years overdue for this one)

My point is, if these tests come back ok, I feel like I might have a second chance. It might not be too late to change my body and not really have any lasting affects (except loose skin) to being overweight for so long. There is always a little voice in my head telling me I am too old to change. That even if I do lose weight, I'll just gain it back like I've always done in the past. Maybe this isn't true. Maybe it's not too late for me.

I know one thing for sure, I will lose weight next Monday. I only get clear liquids all day long! Ugh, I remember the prep being much, much worse than the actual test. I will be completely knocked out so I won't feel a thing, but a day of not eating will be hard.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on this week because I'm not. The weather is beautiful here today so I'm loading the girls up in the stroller and taking them for a walk. If it gets over 80 degrees I'm going to take them to the pool this afternoon. I'm going to take advantage of this beautiful weather and get out and walk this week. I've also got some healthy meals planned this week so this week should be a good week.

Reunion OVER

My high school reunion was last Saturday night. I was a little sad going in thinking about all the goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year. I am at my heaviest weight this year. Still 30 pounds lighter than the last reunion 5 years ago, but nowhere near where I was hoping to be.

The reunion was bizarre to say the least. I've had 2 days to think about this and how I feel about it. I have been asking myself this question: Is it better to be made fun or or be invisible? I knew nobody would outright make fun of me. We are all adults and I know people are beyond that. However, I felt totally invisible the whole night. Not one person asked me what I did for a living. Only one person asked me where I live now.

When I was initially thinking about it, I felt ignored. But, thinking about it now for 2 days I realized that I was just invisible. I know I am mostly to blame for this. I am not the type of person who can walk up to a group and just jump into an ongoing conversation. I have always been shy and will most likely always have trouble speaking in a group. I just thought someone might come up to me to chat.

My BFF was with me and she's the one who would approach someone and start talking. I was kind of being her shadow and just followed along. The people would say hello to me and then turn to my friend and have a conversation with her and I just faded away.

Like I said it was bizarre. I have never felt so insignificant in my life. I'm not mad about it, I'm just sad. Sad that I'm not the type of person who can just walk up and talk to anyone. Sad for some people who cannot move on from the stereotypes of high school. Sad that I even allowed myself to become invisible. Sad about the whole experience. I wonder if anything would have been different had I lost 30 pounds. Something tells me no, it would have been exactly the same as it was.

My next goal is to be under 200 pounds by the time we leave for Disney World at the end of September. I need to get back on track and I need to do it NOW before I do anymore damage.

Daughter #1 needs to get to bed. I just wanted to update this before I forgot about the reunion.