Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Getting back on track

There is something about the first year after someone close to you dies. I'm not sure what it is, but everyone says "Just get through the first year and it will get easier." I kind of believe it because it does seem to get easier. After my friend died I cried everyday. But now, now I don't cry everyday. I cry about once a week. And I can finally smile a little and remember the funny times we had, and there were so many.

Here's the thing that really sucks. I'm not sure I said this in my last post, but my BFF died on my daughters birthday. I will never forget that morning. I got the call that she had passed away and she was still across the street and they were waiting for the coroner to come get her. I had to put a smile on my face, get the kids on the bus and then go say goodbye to her. I don't know how I did it. I remember breaking down and crying. I remember touching her hand and saying goodbye. I remember keeping her 6 year old busy while all the adults were saying goodbye. Then I remember calling cemeteries and trying to figure out where she would be laid to rest.  That was my job. I guess looking back it was good I was kept busy or I would have fallen apart.

Then when the kids got home from school I had to tell them she was gone. But, I had to try to keep it light so we could still celebrate my daughters birthday. Seriously, I look back now and have no clue how I did that.

So, if you are wondering why I am bringing this up it's because the one year anniversary is coming up. October 13. My daughters 7th birthday. I have decided that I will grieve on the 12th. In my mind that will be the day she died. That way I will not shed any tears on my daughters birthday for my friend. I am struggling not eat everything in site and justify it because I am grieving. I have done that for too long. I have used it as an excuse to eat like a pig because it makes me feel better.

The thing is, if my friend were here she would be SO mad at me. I had lost about 40 pounds before she died and she was so proud of me. She encouraged me everyday even though her body was ravaged by the cancer. She cheered me on when she was feeling crappy.  She always took the time to check in on me and tell me I was doing a good job.

Wow, this post has not gone where I thought it would go. I guess I needed to get that out. But, as far as my diet goes, I'm doing really well. Granted, it's only been a few days, but I finally feel like I am back on track. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym today. I have a trip planned in December and I really can't see myself walking all day long at this weight. I won't be able to do it. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep going because I have been struggling for a reason to keep going.

I am feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm really hoping my next post will be full of motivation and happiness.

PS- on a side note- on that day my BFF died I was at her house keeping her daughter busy watching tv and playing with her waiting for the coroner to come. We heard a phone ring and her daughter said "Oh, that's my moms phone" I went to the phone to turn it off and it was dead. Draw your own conclusions but I feel like that was a sign from her saying goodbye.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

What will be my rock bottom

I am still really struggling. This Summer has been hard with the kids home, working two jobs and watching an additional kid 2 days a week. All of these are my choices and I have again put myself last to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser and I need to stop.

I posted about my friend passing away last time and I watched her daughter 2 days a week this Summer just to help them out this first Summer without her. I don't regret it, it just made the Summer more difficult. Not because she's a problem, she's not, but because adding another kid in the mix just changes the dynamic and makes it harder.

As far as the two jobs go, I worked them because I felt bad leaving my old job so I stayed giving the boss more time to hire a replacement. He did not. I worked all those extra weeks for nothing. I think he thought I wouldn't really leave, but last Tuesday was my last day and I feel good about it.

I've just been thinking about all the things I do constantly for other people.  I'm not complaining,  I'm just wondering what it will take to stop putting myself last. I am literally killing myself by not taking care of myself.  I am at my heaviest weight and I feel like complete crap.  I ache all the time and physically just can't do the things I want to do.

What will be my rock bottom?  When will I finally say enough is enough and DO SOMETHING about my weight once again?  Will I get a diagnosis from my doctor that scares me into action? Will it be my husband saying something about my weight? (I highly doubt he ever will, he has always been supportive of me and loves me no matter what size I am)

I thought rock bottom was this past school year when my daughter who was in Kindergarten came home and told me her classmate said I was fat.  I felt horrible.  Not because of my feelings, but because of my daughters feelings. She looked a little embarrassed that this girl said this to her about her mom, who she loves more then anything.  I don't think it ever really occurred to my daughter that I am fat. I think she looks at me and sees "mom" not a fat person.  That all changed that day and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

But, it turns out that wasn't my rock bottom.  I have an unhealthy obsession with the show "My 600 Pound life" and these people need help with everything. Even going to the bathroom and bathing themselves. Will that be my rock bottom? When I am unable to keep myself clean? Will it get that far?  I don't know. I never thought it would get this far.  I never thought I would get this big.  And no, I am not even saying my weight. I am too embarrassed.

The kids go back to school on Tuesday and I have a plan in place to get back on track. My new job has better hours and I can get to the gym most days without a problem. I need to work on a menu for the week and get everything in place to be able to easily eat healthier foods. I am not giving up. I will never give up.  My kids deserve a healthy mom and my husband deserves a healthy wife. No matter what it takes I will give that to them, one day at a time.

Monday, April 17, 2017

It's been a long time

I know I haven't posted in a long ass time. My life has taken a dramatic turn in the last six months and I've been lost.

Six months ago (on my daughters 6th birthday) my best friend passed away. She had cancer and was slowly declining over the past 2 years. I never posted about it because you just never know who reads your blogs and I didn't ever want her to know I was posting about her.

My world has fallen apart. About a year before she passed, she was encouraging me to lose weight. I was on a great path and lost over 30 pounds. Then, she passed away and I feel like I will never get out of this abyss I have fallen into.

I don't really post about this, but I am a classic introvert. I have very few friends but the ones I do I am fiercely loyal to. For the past 2 1/2 years I have taken care of my friend, been there for her and her daughter and it pretty much consumed me. She was the type of person who I could tell anything to. We talked daily and about everything and loved each other dearly. I pretty much put everything on hold for her. It was a roller coaster ride. One day she'd be doing ok, and the next not so great.

At the end, I knew it was coming. I was actually in Disney world and I knew I would come home to help plan a funeral. It was absolutely awful.

Anyway, now I just don't know how to start again. I pretty much pushed everyone away these last couple of years so I could help my friend. Now, there is nobody left and I am trying to meet new people and start having a life again. But, being an introvert is really making all of this hard. I wish I could be one of those outgoing people who can talk to anyone, but I'm just not like that. I'd rather be alone. I just know that too much alone time isn't good for your soul.

My friend actually lived across the street so I am helping raise her child and my husband and her husband are pretty good friends so we see them almost daily. I don't know if that helps or hurts because every time I walk into her house I am reminded that she is no longer there.

I have been thinking lately that I am starting to use her death as an excuse to hide away and not care about my body or weight. I am severely overweight at this point. I'm too embarrassed to even post how fat I've gotten. I keep telling myself that I have 2 daughters who need me and if my friend knew how far I have let myself go, she would be PISSED. She was SO happy when I was losing weight. She was my cheerleader. Damn, I miss that SO much.

I am hoping the next time I post I will have great news and tell anyone who is still reading this (probably nobody) that I am doing great, I'm back on track and feeling healthy. I know I will get there. I just hope I'm not 300 pounds before I finally wake up and get my ass back on track.