Monday, April 17, 2017

It's been a long time

I know I haven't posted in a long ass time. My life has taken a dramatic turn in the last six months and I've been lost.

Six months ago (on my daughters 6th birthday) my best friend passed away. She had cancer and was slowly declining over the past 2 years. I never posted about it because you just never know who reads your blogs and I didn't ever want her to know I was posting about her.

My world has fallen apart. About a year before she passed, she was encouraging me to lose weight. I was on a great path and lost over 30 pounds. Then, she passed away and I feel like I will never get out of this abyss I have fallen into.

I don't really post about this, but I am a classic introvert. I have very few friends but the ones I do I am fiercely loyal to. For the past 2 1/2 years I have taken care of my friend, been there for her and her daughter and it pretty much consumed me. She was the type of person who I could tell anything to. We talked daily and about everything and loved each other dearly. I pretty much put everything on hold for her. It was a roller coaster ride. One day she'd be doing ok, and the next not so great.

At the end, I knew it was coming. I was actually in Disney world and I knew I would come home to help plan a funeral. It was absolutely awful.

Anyway, now I just don't know how to start again. I pretty much pushed everyone away these last couple of years so I could help my friend. Now, there is nobody left and I am trying to meet new people and start having a life again. But, being an introvert is really making all of this hard. I wish I could be one of those outgoing people who can talk to anyone, but I'm just not like that. I'd rather be alone. I just know that too much alone time isn't good for your soul.

My friend actually lived across the street so I am helping raise her child and my husband and her husband are pretty good friends so we see them almost daily. I don't know if that helps or hurts because every time I walk into her house I am reminded that she is no longer there.

I have been thinking lately that I am starting to use her death as an excuse to hide away and not care about my body or weight. I am severely overweight at this point. I'm too embarrassed to even post how fat I've gotten. I keep telling myself that I have 2 daughters who need me and if my friend knew how far I have let myself go, she would be PISSED. She was SO happy when I was losing weight. She was my cheerleader. Damn, I miss that SO much.

I am hoping the next time I post I will have great news and tell anyone who is still reading this (probably nobody) that I am doing great, I'm back on track and feeling healthy. I know I will get there. I just hope I'm not 300 pounds before I finally wake up and get my ass back on track.