I haven't posted in a long time. I haven't posted in a long time because I'm not doing well with losing weight. I want to write that I'm doing fantastic and I'm at goal and life is wonderful. That's just not the case.

I've had a lot of changes in my life, the biggest one being I've gone back to work. I really fell into this position and I love it. Because I've been working I haven't made time to get to the gym. Once a week at the most. My 3 year old actually likes the new gym and now I'm the one who doesn't make the time to go. Last week I worked 4 days but this week I'm only working 3 so I should get there at least one day. Now that I am working all day, I've got to use my days off to get things done I can't get done because I'm working. I am SO thankful that I don't "need" this job for the money. It's great having the extra cash, but we don't need me to work to pay our mortgage. I just don't understand how women do it full time with kids. I haven't been able to manage everything. My house is always a mess which stresses me out.

My 3 year old does not like going to a babysitter. She cries every time I drop her off. When I question  her, she can't give me any specifics as to why she hates it so much, but I'm guessing it's because she has to get up so early to go. This kid sleeps until 10. I get her up at 7:45 now and she's not very happy about it. So, Every day I drop her off I leave feeling guilty about going to work.

As far as eating goes, I've been horrible. I've gained 17 pounds this year. I've just given up and I can't figure out why.  I don't even know what else to say about that.

My Church is doing this experiment this week. For the whole week, we are eating only rice and beans. SO many children and adults in third world countries only get beans and rice for their meals, if they are lucky. I think the whole thinking behind it is we can't really be part of the solution without really understanding and identifying with the problem. So I will eat beans and rice for a week and take all the money I'm saving not going out to eat and getting coffee drinks and donating that to the Church.

Today was day #1 of beans and rice and I survived. Tonight has been tough because I can't eat dessert or anything sweet. Since Halloween I've eaten WAY too much candy. I need to break myself of the habit and this is a good way to do it.

I will try to update more. I just want to be in a good place when I write and I haven't been lately. I did meet a contestant from the Biggest Loser over the weekend and I will write about that another day. It was inspiring though, but a little disheartening to see that she had gained weight back. But she still looked very good.

I won't let another few months go by before writing again. It does help me sort some of my feelings  out in my head as I'm writing so I know it helps. I've just been in a rotten place lately, but I feel as if I might be coming out of it, slowly but surely.

Trying something new...... Again

All of my efforts lately to lose weight have been unsuccessful. I was doing well on the low carb diet until I went on vacation and then it all went to hell. My birthday is next week and I'm getting ready to go on another vacation, so my mind set right now is " I'm not going to do well until I get back from vacation, so why bother doing a strict diet right now?"

But, I do have a plan. The first part of my plan was to join a new gym which I have done. Letting go of the gym membership I have been a member of since 2007 was tough. However, my daughter never warmed up to the daycare and hated going. That gave me plenty of reason not to go at all. I joined a newish, smaller, cleaner gym that has a fantastic daycare. I took her there the other day and she was there with one other baby. The lady said it was "busier" earlier in the day with 6 kids. I had to laugh because at the old gym there were easily over 25 kids there at any given time.

I have also joined a local hospitals weight loss program. I start after my vacation in October. For a price, you get a diet created for you by a dietician and appointments with a psychologist to help figure out why I eat which I am really looking forward to. Then you go to weekly meetings with other people and the psychologist and dietician so if I have any questions about what I'm doing, I can get answers from the professionals. I think the program is 12 weeks so that will take me right through the holidays. In the past I've always had a mindset where the holidays only come once a year so I need to eat all the seasonal foods and drinks. This program will eliminate that and I'm already putting it into my mind that I can indulge next year, but for this year, I'm doing this.

Next week is my 45th birthday. My mom passed away when she was 44. This is HUGE for me. In the back of my mind, I'd always thought that I wasn't going to live a long life. But, as of right now, I'm going to outlive her. So, I guess if I'm going to be here I need to get healthy and this year is as good as any to do this.

I LOVE the show Extreme Weight Loss. They take morbidly obese people and follow them for a year and they lose A LOT of weight. I'm going to do that on a smaller scale. I don't have hundreds of pounds to lose, but I have at least 50+ pounds to lose. If I get it into my head that I have a whole year to do this, it's doable.

I have to get through this month first. I don't want to gain anymore weight so I'm going to take each day as it comes, work out and eat as healthy as I can. I'm so mad at myself for not losing the weight I told myself I'd lose before going on vacation. But, I can't change the past so I need to forgive myself and move on.

I'm relieved that I at least have a plan now. I can do this. I will post more as the program starts. Wish me luck!

Once again it's been a while since I've posted. Summers are hard with the kids being home all day, but I think it's about half way done so soon my daughter will be back to school and life as I know it will be "normal."

I've done a lot of thinking about my health lately. Like I might have posted before, I have heard of quite a few younger friends getting sick with cancer. Then one night I was thinking about a blog I used to read by The Token Fat girl. I went to her blog and it hadn't been updated for a while. I dug a little deeper and found out that the day after her 30th birthday she passed away. She was getting off a treadmill at the gym and had a heart attack. What a shock! It's amazing to me how easily it is to get to know someone from reading their blog. I felt so sad for a few days and realized that I'm almost 15 years older then she was when she died. I think learning about Lorri's death on top of finding out about friends who are sick finally kicked my butt in gear.

I LOVE the show "Extreme Weight loss" I love it because they give these people the tools to lose weight and follow them over a years time. They lose TONS of weight and they do it (mostly) in a healthy and sensible way. I decided to buy the book that Chris Powell (the trainer from the show) wrote about carb cycling. To make a long story short, I started the diet on Monday and I've lost 5.5 pounds this week. I'm thrilled with the results.

Week #1 of any diet is generally easy for me because of the motivation any new diet creates. Next week will be a challenge. I have lied to myself so many times ("I'll start my diet on Monday" or "This cookie isn't really cheating, it's just one" etc) that I don't trust myself anymore. I have a voice inside my head saying I can't do this and I've been on so many diets in the past why do I think this one will work? I'm doing my best to tell that voice to shut the hell up. That I can do this and I WILL do this.

I think one thing that is helping me (and I've written about this before) is when I see shows like Biggest Loser, I think those people have something I don't. Some extra special something that makes it possible for them to lose weight. But, after watching Extreme Weight Loss, I've seen women just like me. There was a mom on last week who said "I always meant to take care of my weight problem before my kids turned 1 but just never did" I have said that! I have always said I didn't want my kids to remember having a fat mom. It's too late for the 7 year old but not the 2 year old.

I am hopeful that this time will be different. I feel different this time. I hesitate to get all pumped up on here and say "I'm doing this" or "Nothing is going to stop me" because I've said all of that before. What I can say is, I'm mindful of my feelings and trying hard to not let the negative crap come through. I'm also going to take it day by day and instead of looking at the total I need to lose, take it in small chunks. There are a lot of things I'm going to do differently this time. But mostly I'm going to be kind to myself and realize that if I had a bad meal or a bad day, that I can't just quit and "start Monday." I have to pick myself up, dust myself off and get right back on it.


I feel like I'm running out of time. I am going to be 45 in September. I remember telling myself that I don't want to go into my 40's being overweight. Well, that didn't happen. But maybe, just maybe I can go into my 45th year a healthier version of myself.

I went to see Jillian Michaels and it was amazing. Boy that woman gives a great talk! Probably the most exciting part of the evening was this moment:

If you don't know who this is, it's Danni Allen. She was the winner of the last Biggest Loser. It was SO exciting to meet her and talk for a minute. I gave her a hug and said "One day I'm going to be you" and she pulled back and said "NO! One day you are going to be YOU" That was powerful to me. I spend so much time wishing I had someone else's body or someone else's motivation, but lately it's hit home to me that my purpose on Earth is to be the best ME I can be.

I asked her if when she started Biggest Loser if she thought she was going to go all the way until the end and she said "Hell no!" She said what kept her going was the fear of Jillian. LOL. But, I just wanted to see if she has something special. I always think that the people who go on shows and lose weight have something I don't. Something special that makes them better then me. I guess I'm starting to realize they are just like me and if they can do it, maybe I can too.

Am I doing good on my diet? No, I am not. I have been doing some work on the inside lately. Since seeing Jillian and this past weekend I went on a woman's retreat with my Church, I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying and work on me. I think I need to learn to accept myself just as I am before I can make significant changes on my body. I'm not saying I've given up, because I haven't. I've got plans (once again) to start working out and eating healthy. For whatever reason what I've been doing isn't working. I need to find something that works for ME. I'm not saying WW doesn't work. It does if that's the kind of diet you can tolerate doing. There are hundreds of diets out there and at this point and time in my life it's not working for me because I'M not doing it. I realize this. However, I need to find a plan I WILL do.

I guess one of the big things I've been thinking about is something Jillian said. With all of her contestants on Biggest Loser is that the pain of being overweight has to outweigh the pain of whatever it is that's making you eat in order for a person to succeed on a diet. So, whatever pain is making me eat crappy foods and gaining weight must be worse then the pain of being overweight because I haven't been successful in losing weight. Now, here's the tricky part. I need to figure out what that pain is. How can I fix something when I don't know what's causing it? I have suspicions but I'm not 100% sure what it is.

Obviously I've got more work to do and I don't have any answers but I do believe I'm on my way to those answers. I WILL succeed at this. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow but most days I still have hope that I will lose this weight and get healthy. I guess one thing that scares me is that when Jillian works with someone they have to hit rock bottom in order to start healing. That's why she's so tough right from the get go on that show. She's trying to get them to break down as quickly as possible and hit rock bottom so she can start building them up again. I don't want to have to hit rock bottom. Maybe I won't have to, but I need to keep that in mind in case I go in that direction.

My plan right now is to start either the South Beach diet or the 17 Day diet on Tuesday. I have WAY too much going on right now to start this week. For both diets the first 2 weeks are very restrictive and I am going out a lot and the food will be out of my control. I'm going to take a day or two and go through both books and pick the one I want to do. I think I need something maybe  more severe to get a jump start on this. I need to see some success in order to continue. I really haven't seen much success on WW (again my doing, not the plan) so I want to do something that might show a quick loss to give me that mental boost I need. I'll keep you posted on my results!

Once again I've neglected blogging because as I said before, no news is usually bad news. Well, I guess I shouldn't say "bad" news. Maintaining is never bad, but it isn't good either when you are trying to lose weight.

I've been less then half hearted at my attempt to be good lately. I'm just keeping myself extremely busy and I use that as an excuse. Also I had a sinus infection so the doctor prescribed an antibiotic that really messed up my stomach. It made me sick all the time so when I wanted food, it was certain foods, which were mainly unhealthy.

I just feel stuck lately. I don't get how when I'm doing good, I'm doing REALLY good. But, when I'm bad, I'm really bad. It's like there's no in between with me. I can't figure out why when I'm not good, I have to be so bad. This is so hard to explain, but it's like always being at one end of the spectrum. I feel like I can't ever be in the middle. I've either got to be doing badly and feel mad and unhappy or I'm being 100% healthy and ecstatic. Why can't I just "be" sometimes? I don't even know if this is making sense.

However, I do have some hope. Jillian Michaels (whom I LOVE) is touring the country right now. I got a ticket to see her next week. I follow her on Twitter and from what I have been reading it's an awesome show and it's very motivating and uplifting. I'm SO hoping this is the kick in the butt I need. I've got to figure this out. It's obviously a mental and emotional thing for me and I've got to figure out why I do what I do. Not that she will specifically address my concerns, but maybe she can say something to help me. I'll take any help at this point.

It's so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that weight and struggles will always be a part of my life. It will never be easy. I think I thought that I would just lose weight and be done with it but it's starting to sink in that this won't happen. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe a small part of me is asking "Why bother?" if it's always going to be hard, why bother?

I'm just a downer today. Sorry. If anyone is reading this, I'm sorry. LOL. I will write next week after seeing Jillian and be really pumped up and ready to go!

Do you ever read a blog and someone is going to announce something or share something and then you don't hear from them for a while? In my experience, that means bad news. Whatever they were going to share or the results they wanted were not good and so they didn't share for a while. That's also the case with me.

I pulled out the scale and was so excited to get on it on Friday morning. My hope was 7 pounds. Of course I was unrealistically expecting more, but I decided that if I lost 7 I would be satisfied. I get on the scale and....... TWO fricken' pounds. TWO! I was shocked. I was disappointed and I was sad.

Then I thought about it. If I am REALLY honest with myself, I haven't done well for 3 weeks now. Ever since I got that flu I have kind of been off track and not giving 100%. Once I left town I was downright horrible and then I got sick, and even though I'm not eating a lot, I am eating comfort foods to "make me feel better." Yeah right.

If I had to guess, I was probably doing ok but then when I went on the trip I went totally overboard and probably gained 5 pounds back. I could have easily done that with the eating I did. After thinking about it, I should be glad I lost anything.

On a positive note, seeing that 2 didn't send me back to bed in the fetal position. It made me realize that I just need to get back on track. I have NOT gone back to my old habits because I was starving yesterday while out running errands and I didn't go through McDonalds drive thru and get a double cheeseburger. I will admit, I was in line and would probably have gotten one if there wasn't 3 cars ahead of me taking forever. I just thought about it and do not want to go back to that place where I was eating alone, in my car while driving so nobody knew what I was doing.  For some reason, that was the line I wouldn't cross so I drove home and made healthy food.

I think somewhere in my mind I knew it couldn't be that good because any other time this would have sent me into an eating frenzy. I would just give up "until Monday" and start again. I haven't done that this time. I'm just making better choices and on Monday I will go back to the gym. I'm still coughing a lot so 2 more days should be enough where I can work out without coughing my head off.

I still do feel a little sad that I haven't made more progress. What I don't understand is why my clothes are getting baggy. 2 pounds won't do that. I just can't dwell on it. I have to move forward and continue to do my best. I need to stop doing this half way and just go for it to lose this weight once and for all.

Well I know that you are waiting to hear how I did. I am too. I have not gotten on the scale yet. I plan to weigh in on Friday morning.

I went to see my friend in PA and had kind of a crappy weekend. I got her meet her new boyfriend and I really didn't like him at all. He pretty much ignored me that first time I met him and that was just unacceptable to me. My friend knows that what he did was rude and really didn't have an explanation to explain his behavior. So that put a damper on our weekend. The second night he came over he was sick. I have no idea why he came over so sick, especially since I was there from out of town, but he did. So, my friend got sick and I did too. Really sick. I am still sick today. My eating has been way off and my exercise is non existent. I can't really breath so I just thought I'd give myself a few days before I weigh in.

Before I got sick my eating was horrible. After all my planning that I was going to eat healthy while there it all went down the tubes once I arrived. My friend said that her boyfriend decided he was going to take the weekend off of his diet so she was too which pretty much meant I would too. I really can't believe I didn't say "No, I've planned this and I'm going to do well" I am disappointed in myself that I did that, but I did and there's nothing I can do about it now.

I will post on Friday after I weigh in. I'm hoping that the non eating since I'm sick will out weigh the over eating over the weekend so I will still show a decent loss. I really doubt I will be able to work out this week because my chest is so heavy and I am having a hard time breathing without coughing my head off.

My friend did tell me that my face looked thinner when she saw me so that made me feel good. Today I am back on track with my eating. I'm not eating much, but my breakfast was a 6 point meal and I haven't eaten since then. I just hope I'm not disappointed when I see that number on the scale. I feel like I've put in the work to have a decent number, but we'll see I guess.

I think I have found the best diet plan out there. It's called the stomach flu. It's not fun by any means, but boy when I had it, I didn't eat much for 2 days. I don't really know if it was the flu or something I ate, but I was down for the count this past weekend. I am back on track now, but I really wish I could weigh myself because I'm curious to see how much I lost after not eating for 2 days.

My friend told me I should get my gall bladder checked. Every few months I throw up for no reason. It's usually after eating greasy foods. I did ask my doctor about it and she said all the blood work looked ok, but I think I might push the issue and ask for an ultrasound. It's mighty inconvenient to not know when this will happen.

I did take 3 days off from working out when I was sick, but yesterday I was back on the treadmill. It felt good to walk again and get those extra WW points. I have also started running a minute here and there but my foot hurts the following day as well as my left knee. I'm going to have to figure out why that's happening. I think the incline is too high on my treadmill and that is what is bothering my knee. Next time I run, I'm going to put the incline down to 2 and see what happens.

I am so excited to weigh in after Easter. I will be out of town on the actual day so I'm planning on weighing in a few days after Easter. I'm really hoping I will see a good number. I'm trying not to set myself up for disappointment, but I'm hoping to have lost 5 or more pounds. By Easter, I will have been on WW for 50 days. I think 5 or more is reasonable. 10 or more should be reasonable but like I said, I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

After getting rid of the scale I have decided that I am going to weigh in once a week from now on. Daily is just too much and there are too many fluctuations with water and other things going on in my body. I sabotage myself when I don't see what I want to see and even if I do see what I want to see. I will tell myself "Oh, I was down on the scale today so I can eat this piece of pizza" So I guess I'm damned if I do, and damned if i don't. But I do want to see progress. That helps with motivation.

I know I will most likely not write again until after Easter so everyone have a blessed Easter and don't eat too much!!

I never did call Weight Watchers. I am kind of a wimp about those kinds of things, but I still might call this week. I know the timing will be off, but they really should know those settings should be reset or at least remind someone that there might be old information in there.

I am SO happy to report that I am doing FANTASTIC on Weight Watchers! I really do love this diet, however I have still not weighed in so I might not love it so much after I do find out how much I have lost. I feel SO good though, so I can't imagine that I have not lost weight. I know that I have lost something because I did measure myself quickly yesterday and I've lost at least an inch from my waist an 3/4 of an inch from my bust (of course.)

If you are considering Weight Watchers, I would recommend it whole heartedly. Here are a few reasons:

1- Even if you "cheat" you can still salvage your day. Last Sunday I was so hungry after Church that I stopped and got a pizza for the family. I had 3 pieces. Before WW I would have just chalked it up to a bad day and started over on Monday. However, I decided to track the points and see where I was at. The 3 pieces of pizza were 21 points which left me one point for the day. I realized that if I worked out, I could add back 4-5 points and still be able to have a salad for dinner if I wanted to. That's exactly what I did. I worked out, and had a salad for dinner and was able to stay within my points for the day.

2- This plan makes me work out much more. When I can add 4-5 points a day by working out for anywhere from 45-60 mins a day, I'm going to do it! I'm using my treadmill in the basement for the most part but I did go to the gym yesterday and had a great cardio work out. The baby is slowly but surely getting used to the daycare there and now that Winter is almost behind us, she's not getting sick every time she goes.

3- Most days I don't feel hungry. I'm not going to lie, it's not a walk in the park everyday. There are some days when all I want to do is eat and I can't. That's just not an option in my life anymore if I want to lose weight. But, for the most part, 90% of the time I'm satisfied and I've learned to have zero point snacks on hand just in case.

I've been in this place before. I know I can do this. I just have to keep going, day by day and don't look ahead too far. I know that today I can do this. That's all I'm going to think about. Today is going to be a good day.

I'm also starting Oprah's and Deepak Chopra's 21 day meditation today. I have never been successful at meditation, but I have heard and read it's the best thing you can do for your body and soul. I'm going to give it a shot. Hopefully every morning after I get daughter #1 off to school, daughter #2 will sleep long enough for me to actually do it. Today is day #1 so we'll see how it goes. It's always been hard for me to meditate because it's hard for me to keep my mind quiet. I always start thinking about things I need to get done around the house or someone interrupts me when I'm trying to do it. I'll post again after a few days to let you know how it's going.

Weight Watcher mishap

I've been on Weight Watchers now for 2 weeks and up until this morning I was really enjoying it. I was even telling my friend on Saturday night how I'm not suffering at all like I normally do when I'm dieting. Since I can't weigh myself until Easter morning I was concerned that I would be doing this for 6 weeks or so and see now results.

This morning I found out why this has been so easy. I wanted to change my weigh in day (even though I'm not weighing in) to Mondays so my weekly points would reset on Mondays instead of Wednesdays which is how I had it set up. I couldn't find a way to do that on my phone ap, so I went to the website and started poking around the setting. I looked at my profile and was shocked to that the "yes" was checked when asked if I was breastfeeding. I haven't breast fed my daughter in a year and a half! I am pretty disappointed in the fact that Weight Watchers keeps all that old information and doesn't ask you to update it when you sign up again. I haven't been a Weight Watchers member for over a year.

For the past 2 weeks I've been eating 40 points a day and after I adjusted that information, my points went down to 33 a day. No wonder I wasn't suffering, I was eating too much! To say I was mad was an understatement. I am going to write Weight Watchers a note to tell them what happened. I highly doubt they will care, but I will feel better letting them know that if you reactivate an old account they should wipe out your old settings.

Right now I feel like I'm back to square one. Ugh..... I feel like the last 2 weeks was wasted. I guess if I had to look at the bright side these past 2 weeks have slowly gotten me into the Weight Watching mode. I have also worked out and I rarely used my activity points so I most likely wasn't that far off on the days I worked out. I'm also glad that I haven't weighed in because it would most likely have shown a very minimal weight loss and I might have just given up. At least now that I truly am on the right track, I have a month before I weigh myself.

If anyone is considering joining Weight Watchers online, look at the information carefully so you don't make the same mistake I did.

My last weigh in is tomorrow. Then I have to wait 40 days to weigh again. Wow this is going to be tough.

I feel really good because I have a plan now. I just joined Weight Watchers online. I signed up for 90 days. I'm going to give it 110% for 90 days and see what happens. I'm not saying I won't weigh in for 90 days, but I'm saying I will follow the plan for 90 days. I remember trying this plan (at that time it was their "new plan") and I wasn't successful at it. I don't like change so now I'm wondering if I just didn't give it my all at that time. If I remember correctly, the scale wasn't moving quickly enough for me so I gave up. I won't have that problem this time because I'm not going to weigh in each day.

This time I'm committing to 90 days. I will weigh in about day 40-45 which will be half way through. If I'm successful at losing weight I will continue beyond 90 days, but this is all I'm willing to commit to right now.

I'm also happy because my hubby and I are going out to dinner on Friday night and Applebee's has a WW menu that I can choose from. My points will already be calculated and I'll know what to get going in. That is a big obstacle for me, eating out on a diet. For this first week I'm glad I can go there and not even have to think about it.

I do have one problem. On WW you have to weigh in each week and I can't do that right now. I think the points get recalculated as you lose. I guess I could get on the scale, have my husband look at it and enter it into the computer. I don't want to be eating too many points as I'm losing weight. I have no idea how that is calculated though so I'm hoping it won't deter me if the points don't go down one week.

Well, things could be better but they could be worse. I started this year with a goal of losing one pound a week. Sounds like a no brainer huh? Well, not exactly. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost a lot either. I'm kind of just maintaining but I'm getting out what I'm putting in which is basically nothing.

I could give a bunch of excuses as to why this has happened, but it really comes down to time and priorities. I haven't made it a priority and my time has been taken up by other things. I know this and I accept this but that doesn't mean I'm going to continue on like this.

I'm not really a "religious" person but I have found a Church that is non denominational and uses humor and common sense to explain the Bible. Last week there was a talk about "worshiping false Gods." I never knew it, but I am guilty of this. My "false God" is the scale. I wake up and the firs thing I want to do is get on the scale. Then, depending on the number I see, I decide my mood for the day. I'm done. I'm sick of doing that and I shouldn't let a damn number decide anything. So I came up with a new plan.

Starting Wednesday (beginning of Lent) I am not going to get on my scale for 40 days. I am also going to start Weight Watchers. Honestly, after all these years (not every year since I've been a kid) of giving up things, I think this is going to be the hardest. I'm not going to be getting that validation from the scale  and that is going to be hard.

I know Weight Watchers, and I've been successful doing the WW program. I think I'm just going to do the online program because I have never really found accountability going to the meetings. I'm not really an outgoing person so I just sit there, listen and leave. I've never really found a support group at the meetings so I'm going to try it this way. One of my BFF's has just started the program so we will do it together, but she has all of 15 pounds to lose. I have much more than that to lose.

I'm excited to start this. There are a few reasons I'm waiting until Wednesday. One thing, it's symbolic of the whole Lent thing. Instead of getting on the scale I'm going to start my day reading a Bible verse or daily devotion or something along those lines. I'm going to see how my days go doing this instead of getting on the scale. Also, my daughter turns 7 this weekend and we have a big party as well as other dinners to celebrate. While I'm not planning on going crazy, I'm also realistic and know that it's not the best time to start something new. I'd like to say I'm going to be strong and can resist all the food that will be before me, but that's not gonna happen.  I will make healthy choices when I can, but I will eat cake.

I will try to update once a week, although I won't reporting numbers of pounds lost. Maybe I will start looking for other "NSV's" (non scale victories) I can report. I'm looking forward to something new that doesn't involve numbers. I'm also not saying I will never get on the scale. Lent only goes until Easter so  I will be weighing in after that. I'm just hoping this will teach me it's not ALL about the numbers and more about how I feel.

Happy New Year 2013

I don't even know why I'm still writing. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I guess in some way it's accountability for me. Although, most times I write, I feel like a failure because I don't really succeed in my weight loss. I have good intentions, but following through is another matter.

I was looking through some papers I ran across today from 2009. I weighed exactly the same in that year as I do now. I was a little bit shocked because here we are, 4 years later and I'm exactly in the same spot. I've struggled so much, worked so hard and look where it's gotten me. Exactly nowhere! Well, I guess I should cut myself some slack because I have a had a baby in that time.

I wasn't going to start off this post on such a negative way, oops. I'm really in a decent place right now. Yes, I've gained a little weight over the holidays and my pants are tight, but I really feel optimistic that I can turn this around. I know I can turn it around. I think I've come to the realization that I just haven't found what works for me. There's got to be something out there that will work for me long term. Other people do it all the time, they lose weight and keep it off. What makes them so special?

I have always had it in my mind that people that succeed with losing weight have something I don't. Oprah has buckets of money and people who cook for her. People on The Biggest Loser go to the ranch and can devote all day to losing weight. However, there are people all over the world that are at home, like me and succeed. So why can't I seem to do it? Well, I think part of it is I'm looking for an easy way out. I'm looking for a pill to take, or something just as easy.

Maybe I've finally realized that this isn't something I will do and then succeed at and be done. I will struggle with my weight my whole life. I am a food addict. That won't go away once I lose weight. As a matter of fact, I think it will be worse because I'll tell myself "I deserve" it since I have lost the weight. Like many people I have made New Years resolutions for myself this year. My goal is to get to "onderland" by the end of this year. To do that, I have to lose 2 pounds a MONTH. Can I do that? Hell yes, no question about it. Usually I start off the year wanting to 50+ pounds. Probably for the last 4 years I've had that goal. This year is different. This year I am realizing that what I've been doing isn't working. Something has to change. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to change how I approach weight loss, but I need to figure out what will work for me.

I also need to figure out why I allow myself to eat too much, feel crappy all the time and accept this behavior from myself. Why do I sabotage myself when I start doing well? What am I afraid of if I lose weight? I have my theories but I need to figure it out and get over it. I have no answers right now, but my goal is to figure this out. To at least start trying to figure it out. I need to find what works and I don't want to waste another year doing what I know doesn't work.

I want to be able to write a blog on January 1, 2014 and actually say I did what I resolved to do. I know I can do it!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!