I went to see Jillian Michaels and it was amazing. Boy that woman gives a great talk! Probably the most exciting part of the evening was this moment:

If you don't know who this is, it's Danni Allen. She was the winner of the last Biggest Loser. It was SO exciting to meet her and talk for a minute. I gave her a hug and said "One day I'm going to be you" and she pulled back and said "NO! One day you are going to be YOU" That was powerful to me. I spend so much time wishing I had someone else's body or someone else's motivation, but lately it's hit home to me that my purpose on Earth is to be the best ME I can be.

I asked her if when she started Biggest Loser if she thought she was going to go all the way until the end and she said "Hell no!" She said what kept her going was the fear of Jillian. LOL. But, I just wanted to see if she has something special. I always think that the people who go on shows and lose weight have something I don't. Something special that makes them better then me. I guess I'm starting to realize they are just like me and if they can do it, maybe I can too.

Am I doing good on my diet? No, I am not. I have been doing some work on the inside lately. Since seeing Jillian and this past weekend I went on a woman's retreat with my Church, I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying and work on me. I think I need to learn to accept myself just as I am before I can make significant changes on my body. I'm not saying I've given up, because I haven't. I've got plans (once again) to start working out and eating healthy. For whatever reason what I've been doing isn't working. I need to find something that works for ME. I'm not saying WW doesn't work. It does if that's the kind of diet you can tolerate doing. There are hundreds of diets out there and at this point and time in my life it's not working for me because I'M not doing it. I realize this. However, I need to find a plan I WILL do.

I guess one of the big things I've been thinking about is something Jillian said. With all of her contestants on Biggest Loser is that the pain of being overweight has to outweigh the pain of whatever it is that's making you eat in order for a person to succeed on a diet. So, whatever pain is making me eat crappy foods and gaining weight must be worse then the pain of being overweight because I haven't been successful in losing weight. Now, here's the tricky part. I need to figure out what that pain is. How can I fix something when I don't know what's causing it? I have suspicions but I'm not 100% sure what it is.

Obviously I've got more work to do and I don't have any answers but I do believe I'm on my way to those answers. I WILL succeed at this. It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow but most days I still have hope that I will lose this weight and get healthy. I guess one thing that scares me is that when Jillian works with someone they have to hit rock bottom in order to start healing. That's why she's so tough right from the get go on that show. She's trying to get them to break down as quickly as possible and hit rock bottom so she can start building them up again. I don't want to have to hit rock bottom. Maybe I won't have to, but I need to keep that in mind in case I go in that direction.

My plan right now is to start either the South Beach diet or the 17 Day diet on Tuesday. I have WAY too much going on right now to start this week. For both diets the first 2 weeks are very restrictive and I am going out a lot and the food will be out of my control. I'm going to take a day or two and go through both books and pick the one I want to do. I think I need something maybe  more severe to get a jump start on this. I need to see some success in order to continue. I really haven't seen much success on WW (again my doing, not the plan) so I want to do something that might show a quick loss to give me that mental boost I need. I'll keep you posted on my results!