So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the reasons I eat when I eat and what I eat. I've heard people say if you don't know why you eat, you will never lose the weight and keep it off. Hmmm, that kind of scares me. I know there are reasons I comfort myself with food. It makes me feel better while I'm eating it. My childhood was really screwed up. My parents divorced when I was 5. I have 3 older brothers and it was hard on all of us. Especially financially. My dad decided he didn't want to pay child support on a regular basis, so my mom had to pretty much support us all. She worked 7 days a week. To make matters worse, she died when I was 13. She got acute leukemia and 2 weeks later she was gone. My brother became my guardian until I was 17. So, there's a lot of screwed up feelings from my childhood. I get that I take comfort in food. But, how do I change that? I honestly feel better when I am eating chocolate. I'm happy when I'm eating pizza. I'm not saying that those are the only times I'm happy, but they do make me happy. How do I stop that? I don't want to feel badly when eating those things, but I also don't want to think that eating them can make me feel better.
I did go to therapy a few years back and didn't get much help at all. I never did find out the root of my weight problem. I really don't want to take time for therapy, but I also don't want to lose this weight and gain it all back. Been there, done that.
I have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will succeed in losing this weight. I KNOW it will happen. What scares me is what happens after that. I know I shouldn't be thinking about that and I just need to concentrate on today and losing weight, but this small little voice keeps saying "Why go through all this trouble if you won't be able to keep it off?" I'm trying to tell that little voice to shut the hell up as best I can.
Yesterday I ramped up my work out. I put the incline on the treadmill up to 6% for 3- 5 minute periods. It was a great work out. Today I can barely move. My lower back is killing me. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour with no incline so I didn't let my pain stop me.
One more thing, DO NOT eat at the Costco food court. I had a hot dog with my daughter. I looked up the Weight Watcher points when I got home. ONE hot dog is 13 points. The turkey wrap is much worse and I don't even want to talk about the caesar salad. I'm going to have a very light dinner to make up for it, but I would not have eaten that hot dog if I would have known it was 13 points. Lesson learned.