I'm back.. again. This is day #2 of feeling semi normal. Almost no nausea. I am cautiously optimistic that it is gone. Whew... Could it be? I will be at week #12 next week so it is entirely possible that it is gone for good.

This makes me feel like I am ready to go back to Weight Watchers. Not the meetings because they do not let pregnant women go on the plan, but just following it in general on my own. I will make sure I have an extra glass of FF milk to get those extra calories I need. If I'm hungry, I will eat. I won't be doing anything drastic, but I would like to slow down my weight gain. I'm up another half a pound, making it a 6 pound gain in about 9 weeks? Not horrible, but it could be better.

Yesterday my husband came up to me and patted my stomach and said "Boy, it's really starting to stick out isn't it?" I didn't know whether to hit him or laugh. I laughed. I've been feeling it. My pants are getting tighter and I feel like my stomach looks bloated all the time. Another reason I want to at least feel like I'm trying to be healthy.

I've been concerned lately about eating processed foods. I've been watching Jamie Oliver's "Food Revolution" and boy has it opened my eyes. My daughter eats terribly and I am the one feeding her. Mostly it is because she never wants to eat so when she does, I give her what she wants. (I'm not talking about candy here, I'm talking about things like chicken nuggets) I'm going to start finding recipes that use fresh, whole foods. That means no more WW frozen meals for me which really kept me on plan before. I'm going to have to realize that this is going to take more time and effort to plan my meals, but so worth it.

I've been reading the book Dr Oz wrote about pregnancy and he says there is more and more research that says what you eat when the baby is inside of you really sets it up for life. Eating pizza and chinese food isn't going to be doing the baby any favors. I need to eat more fresh veggies and fruits. I'm starting this week. I'm feeling good and now is as good as time as any.

It's been a while (again) since I've blogged. I realized why yesterday. I'm not obsessing about food anymore. I'm not thinking about every little morsel I put in my mouth. I am not struggling right now. I am eating basically what I want and not doing bad with the weight gain. I know some of it is because I'm pregnant, but I've only gained 5 lbs since I found out 6 weeks ago that I'm pregnant.

It is such a great feeling to not feel bad about food right now. I'm realizing how much time I thought about it and obsessed over it. Let me also say that I am not going hog wild. I am eating smaller meals to keep the acid at bay and I can't eat all the greasy unhealthy stuff I used to eat. But, I'm also treating myself here and there with chocolate and other sugary stuff.

I went to the doctor last week and heard the baby's heart beat for the first time. It was very exciting and made being pregnant "real" somehow. I get my first ultrasound after Easter and I can't wait. I won't be able to find out the sex of the baby yet, but I'll be able to see it which is really cool.

I have had a cold this last week so I haven't been to the gym, but as soon as my daughter is feeling better we will be going back there so I can get into a routine again. My nausea is still around but not as bad as it was. I am hoping it will be completely gone in 2 weeks when I enter my second trimester.

My doctor also ok'd me going to a nutritionist to try to keep my weight down and avoid the gestational diabetes this time. I am really excited about that. I'm just waiting for the approval from my insurance company and once I get that I will make an appointment asap. It will feel good having a structured diet to follow again. I do well when I have that structure that I don't have right now.

I have a new pet peeve. I have been told 3 times this week, (by people who know I'm pregnant) "Eat! You're supposed to gain weight." and "This is the only time when you can pig out and not feel bad, it's ok." That just makes me so mad. I just want to jump up and say "Are you blind? Can't you see I'm already fat? Don't you know how dangerous it will be to me and my baby if I gain too much weight?" I don't know if they are trying to make me feel better or what.

I think I can understand how a skinny person who diets feels. I think and say so many times to skinny people "Why do you diet? You're already skinny!" I will never say that again. I get it now. They are dieting because they don't want to become fat. They are dieting to maintain their weight. I will never say that to a skinny person ever again. I truly get it.

But, just the fact that comments like that make my skin crawl gives me hope that I am aware of gaining weight and know that I can't do that. Which, by the way, I have. I have finally started to feel better and have returned to my beloved pizza. I have also eaten some other things I shouldn't have eaten. I feel ok though. I am getting myself back on track and feeling a million times better. The nausea is almost completely gone and I realize how fortunate I am because some women have it their whole first trimester or their whole pregnancy.

I was watching a show on TLC and they have a former winner (Eric) from Biggest Loser. He had gained almost all his weight back. I may have written about this before, I can't remember. Anyway, at one point he was talking about how when he won BL he was in the spot light and getting all this attention and then afterwards, nothing. He felt like nobody cared anymore and stopped working out and started eating.

This reminds me of Corey Haim, the actor who died yesterday. He was in the spotlight when he was a teenager when he was in the movies. Once he got older, his star started to fade and he got more heavily involved in drugs. He never regained his career and now he is dead at 38.

What makes these 2 people different? Not much in my opinion. Eric is slowly killing himself with food and Corey did it faster with drugs. I guess my point is that both drugs and foods are addictions. We all know it. But, I don't know that we think about the fact that we are slowly killing ourselves. Yeah, being overweight gives us aches and pains and makes us feel "fat" but what about the internal damage we are doing to our heart and arteries? How often do we think about the unseen damage we are doing to our bodies?

I would like to see more shows on tv about food addiction. Not "weight loss" shows. I want to see shows that deal with the "hows" and "whys" of weight gain and weight loss. I read so many blogs and we all struggle the same way. I'll bet there are lots of people out there who eat for the same reasons I do. I would like to see them talk to a therapist and find out why they started eating and why they continue eating. I'll bet I could find lots of common ground and the help that they get could also help me.

I know about the physical side of losing weight. I know "how to" lose weight. What I can't figure out is why I eat the way I do. I'm pretty sure I know why I started eating this way and medicating myself with food, I just don't know why I continue to do it. Dr Phil always says we start behaviors for one reason and continue them for another. I need to figure out why I am continuing to eat this way so I can stop it. Addiction is addiction. One form is no better than another. Both have very serious physical consequences. At least I am aware of the problem and I'm thinking about ways to deal with it. That's a step in the right direction, isn't it??

I haven't posted in a while because I just haven't been in the mood. I am pretty crabby each day now and I read in my book that this is normal for this stage in my pregnancy. The hormones and running amok and I just have to deal with it. I guess I should say my husband and daughter have to put up with it. I am really trying to be nice, but it's difficult some days.

The weather has finally gotten warmer and it's making me really happy. I took my daughter, put her in the stroller and walked a mile. I would have gone further but Ella wanted to go home. It was nice to get out and walk outside. It's been so long since I've been able to do that. I am going to start walking while Ella is in school so I can walk at a faster pace and wear my music.

My eating has not been great lately. I am actually feeling a little bit better as far as the nausea goes. Yesterday was not a good day because I finally had pizza. My husband really wanted it so I went along. It was good, but not as good as it used to be. I'm sure once the baby comes I will be addicted again. I am also happy to report that I've been able to control my acid reflux with the foods I'm eating.

So, I'm having ups and downs right now but I'm pretty confident that in about 4 weeks or so I will feel much better. I will be in my second trimester and usually life goes back to pretty much normal until the 3rd trimester. I'm looking forward to getting back on a routine as far as working out and eating goes. I could be doing much worse right now and I could have gained much more weight than I actually have so all in all, life is good.

The snow is starting to melt and that is making me extremely happy. I can see half of the grass in my back yard and according to my car, it was 40 degrees today. Spring is on the way!

I am happy to report that today was day #2 of working out. I walked on my treadmill yesterday for 45 mins. Today I took my daughter to the gym and did 50 mins of cardio. One reason I like to go after my daughter gets off of school is because I get to the cardio machine at exactly 4 pm. Oprah comes on at 4 and I can watch her show while working out. It makes the time fly when I can watch tv and work out. I went in thinking I'd work out for about 45 mins today and I actually did 50 mins.

I guess I've finally come to the conclusion that even if I feel like crap, I need to force myself to work out. I have about 4 more weeks of this nausea and I can't not work out for that long. The scale has finally caught up to me and I've gained about 3 lbs. There are just days when nothing sounds good to me so anything that will not make me puke is what I end up eating. Tonight was Chinese food. I got the chicken and broccoli with white rice which isn't that bad, actually.

While I still do not have a handle on my diet, if I continue to regularly work out, I cannot do that much damage. My portions are small even if the food I choose is not always healthy. I know I am doing my best. I do not go to bed feeling like a failure. I go to bed knowing I am doing the best I can. I will get through this phase by the end of the month and I will feel 100% better and able to do more with my dieting.

One thing that kinda makes me sad but is really a good thing- I have NO desire whatsoever for pizza. I realized it today. I haven't had it in over a week and do not miss it at all. In fact, the thought of it makes me sick. Pizza was my drug. I could not live without it. It is so interesting to me that I can go without it and not miss it at all. Being pregnant sure does funny things to the body!!!