I have a new pet peeve. I have been told 3 times this week, (by people who know I'm pregnant) "Eat! You're supposed to gain weight." and "This is the only time when you can pig out and not feel bad, it's ok." That just makes me so mad. I just want to jump up and say "Are you blind? Can't you see I'm already fat? Don't you know how dangerous it will be to me and my baby if I gain too much weight?" I don't know if they are trying to make me feel better or what.

I think I can understand how a skinny person who diets feels. I think and say so many times to skinny people "Why do you diet? You're already skinny!" I will never say that again. I get it now. They are dieting because they don't want to become fat. They are dieting to maintain their weight. I will never say that to a skinny person ever again. I truly get it.

But, just the fact that comments like that make my skin crawl gives me hope that I am aware of gaining weight and know that I can't do that. Which, by the way, I have. I have finally started to feel better and have returned to my beloved pizza. I have also eaten some other things I shouldn't have eaten. I feel ok though. I am getting myself back on track and feeling a million times better. The nausea is almost completely gone and I realize how fortunate I am because some women have it their whole first trimester or their whole pregnancy.

I was watching a show on TLC and they have a former winner (Eric) from Biggest Loser. He had gained almost all his weight back. I may have written about this before, I can't remember. Anyway, at one point he was talking about how when he won BL he was in the spot light and getting all this attention and then afterwards, nothing. He felt like nobody cared anymore and stopped working out and started eating.

This reminds me of Corey Haim, the actor who died yesterday. He was in the spotlight when he was a teenager when he was in the movies. Once he got older, his star started to fade and he got more heavily involved in drugs. He never regained his career and now he is dead at 38.

What makes these 2 people different? Not much in my opinion. Eric is slowly killing himself with food and Corey did it faster with drugs. I guess my point is that both drugs and foods are addictions. We all know it. But, I don't know that we think about the fact that we are slowly killing ourselves. Yeah, being overweight gives us aches and pains and makes us feel "fat" but what about the internal damage we are doing to our heart and arteries? How often do we think about the unseen damage we are doing to our bodies?

I would like to see more shows on tv about food addiction. Not "weight loss" shows. I want to see shows that deal with the "hows" and "whys" of weight gain and weight loss. I read so many blogs and we all struggle the same way. I'll bet there are lots of people out there who eat for the same reasons I do. I would like to see them talk to a therapist and find out why they started eating and why they continue eating. I'll bet I could find lots of common ground and the help that they get could also help me.

I know about the physical side of losing weight. I know "how to" lose weight. What I can't figure out is why I eat the way I do. I'm pretty sure I know why I started eating this way and medicating myself with food, I just don't know why I continue to do it. Dr Phil always says we start behaviors for one reason and continue them for another. I need to figure out why I am continuing to eat this way so I can stop it. Addiction is addiction. One form is no better than another. Both have very serious physical consequences. At least I am aware of the problem and I'm thinking about ways to deal with it. That's a step in the right direction, isn't it??