I don't even know why I'm still writing. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I guess in some way it's accountability for me. Although, most times I write, I feel like a failure because I don't really succeed in my weight loss. I have good intentions, but following through is another matter.
I was looking through some papers I ran across today from 2009. I weighed exactly the same in that year as I do now. I was a little bit shocked because here we are, 4 years later and I'm exactly in the same spot. I've struggled so much, worked so hard and look where it's gotten me. Exactly nowhere! Well, I guess I should cut myself some slack because I have a had a baby in that time.
I wasn't going to start off this post on such a negative way, oops. I'm really in a decent place right now. Yes, I've gained a little weight over the holidays and my pants are tight, but I really feel optimistic that I can turn this around. I know I can turn it around. I think I've come to the realization that I just haven't found what works for me. There's got to be something out there that will work for me long term. Other people do it all the time, they lose weight and keep it off. What makes them so special?
I have always had it in my mind that people that succeed with losing weight have something I don't. Oprah has buckets of money and people who cook for her. People on The Biggest Loser go to the ranch and can devote all day to losing weight. However, there are people all over the world that are at home, like me and succeed. So why can't I seem to do it? Well, I think part of it is I'm looking for an easy way out. I'm looking for a pill to take, or something just as easy.
Maybe I've finally realized that this isn't something I will do and then succeed at and be done. I will struggle with my weight my whole life. I am a food addict. That won't go away once I lose weight. As a matter of fact, I think it will be worse because I'll tell myself "I deserve" it since I have lost the weight. Like many people I have made New Years resolutions for myself this year. My goal is to get to "onderland" by the end of this year. To do that, I have to lose 2 pounds a MONTH. Can I do that? Hell yes, no question about it. Usually I start off the year wanting to 50+ pounds. Probably for the last 4 years I've had that goal. This year is different. This year I am realizing that what I've been doing isn't working. Something has to change. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to change how I approach weight loss, but I need to figure out what will work for me.
I also need to figure out why I allow myself to eat too much, feel crappy all the time and accept this behavior from myself. Why do I sabotage myself when I start doing well? What am I afraid of if I lose weight? I have my theories but I need to figure it out and get over it. I have no answers right now, but my goal is to figure this out. To at least start trying to figure it out. I need to find what works and I don't want to waste another year doing what I know doesn't work.
I want to be able to write a blog on January 1, 2014 and actually say I did what I resolved to do. I know I can do it!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!