Monday, August 30, 2010

I have been thinking about my diet and exercise lately and trying to figure a few things out. Sometimes typing them out on my blog helps me to understand why I do certain things.

I have not exercised in over a week. I've used the tornado as an excuse, but the gym is back to normal (minus a few trees) and I can go anytime I want. Today is the day. I am going to work out if it kills me. I really need to take advantage of this last month because I will be suspending my membership as of October 1. They do not watch children under 3 months old in their daycare so I'm not going to continue paying for a membership hoping my husband will be able to watch the kids in the evening. It won't happen and I'm not wasting $65/month. I'm not saying I won't work out. I have a bike and treadmill in my basement that are adequate. Quite old, but they work.

Over this past week my sugars have been a little off. It's no mystery why, I probably went out to eat and didn't know the carb count of the foods I'm eating. Overall, I am still doing fairly well. These past few evenings my sugar has been a little high so I haven't had any dessert. It's not even a big deal to me anymore. It's just fact, high sugar = no dessert that night.

Then this morning I was thinking about it and why can't the number on the scale have the same affect on my thinking? If I'm a pound up in the morning, why don't I think about that in the evening and say "No dessert Michelle, the scale was a little high this morning" Why is my sugar count being high enough to stop myself but not the number on the scale?

Is it because what I do now affects the baby and not just myself? Is it because I can't remember what I did 10 hours before and forget the number on the scale? I'm just curious as to why one number has to much power but the other doesn't. I think if I can figure this out, I might be able to crack some of the mysteries of why I eat what I eat and when I eat it.

I've also been thinking about exercise and why I haven't missed it at all this week. Ever since I've been on this diet, I feel weak. My muscles just aren't as strong as they used to be. I'll bet I don't want to work out because I can't do what I could do just a few weeks ago. I am looking forward to the day after the baby comes when I can push myself harder and not wonder if I'm doing any damage to the baby inside of me. Geez, it's not like I'm an Olympic athlete. Me pushing myself is nothing compared to what they do. But, there's always this little voice in my head telling me to take it easy "just in case." I've only got 7 more weeks to go. SEVEN! Did you hear me? SEVEN WEEKS! YIKES!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Opinons are like assholes, everyone's got one and it's damn irritating to me! I saw a different OB today and he gave me a totally different story then the one I saw last week. This one says there is no reason to induce me early and I don't need meds for the GD. Whatever. This is what I get for trying to control and plan my labor! I need to use this as a lesson to just let it go and see what happens. Normally I would but I'm worried about my 4 year old and what we will do if I go into labor in the middle of the night. I don't have family to help so I have to rely on friends which I hate doing.

I haven't been to my gym in over a week. Last weekend we had 2 tornado's touch down close to my house, one took down many of the trees in the parking lot of the gym and their power. They didn't have power for 3 days and as far as I know, no air conditioning. I couldn't talk myself into going once the power came back on. I can't work out in heat. I get sick when I get overheated. If I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't worry as much, but I just can't chance getting sick right now.

I think another reason I'm not really interested in going is because I'm maintaining my weight with this diet. I've actually lost a pound over these last 2 weeks. I think in my brain I think "Why bother working out when I can stay the same weight without out?" I know that working out will make me feel better (I've been unbelievably crabby these last few days) and will help with my delivery of this baby. Why isn't that enough to get my butt to the gym?

I guess there's always a reason to not go to the gym. I will never love exercise. There are people who lose all kinds of weight and then love working out. I don't think that will ever be me. Does it need to be to lose the weight and keep it off? Hopefully not. I don't love eating vegetables and I still do that. There are plenty of things I do that I don't particularly like to do, but I still do them. Maybe that will be how I can view exercise. A necessary evil.

I'm still surviving on this diet. I don't like it and I do crave sugar. I went to a birthday party last weekend and had a piece of cake. The next day I was craving sugar so bad I couldn't believe it. It just shows me once again that I am addicted to sugar and need to really be careful. Once I get over the initial cravings I'm ok, but once I have it again, I want more and more and more.

My daughter starts school in 2 weeks. Time is going to fly by after that and before I know it baby #2 will arrive. Yikes. I need more time...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I saw my OB today and I'm liking him more and more each time I see him. I told him that my last baby was 8 lbs 9 oz and I pushed for 2 hours and he said "This time you will have a 7 lb 9 oz baby with 25 mins of pushing." I LOVE HIM! Wow, would that be great.

My blood levels are still not good in the AM. I am doing pretty well on the diet and following it so this "problem" is not the result of anything I'm doing wrong. If this continues into next week, he is going to put me on some kind of medicine to take at night to level out my blood sugar.

The most exciting news is that he is going to induce me a week early! Only 7 more weeks to go! WOO HOO!!!! I am happy to have a sooner labor and delivery as well as a smaller baby!

Like I said, I'm doing ok on the diet. My main issue right now is writing everything down. I am not doing that and I really need to. I found 2 different apps for my phone to start keeping track on that to see if that helps. I also need to get to the gym. I have been really busy this week and I have to make sure I keep working out for this next 7 weeks. There is a huge part of me that just wants to hang out with my daughter for these last few weeks and not go to the gym. However, I am a much better mom when I make the time to burn off the stress on the treadmill. I also get 2 hours each day of not being a "mom" and just working out, showering and having a few minutes to read. I think next week will be easier to exercise. This week was just really over scheduled and busy.

I'm hanging in there. My attitude is much better than it was last week. I can get through this and not go crazy. I really miss my sweets, but have found some substitutes that will get me through these last few weeks. I still can't believe that in 7 short weeks I'm going to have a baby. Wow.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I will never complain about counting points again. I swear, I will be happy to count each and every point. That is easy compared to what I am doing.

I'm not complaining, honestly I'm not. It's good that I have to keep track of everything so carefully. I have not gained any weight in the last week and haven't really had to do much other than follow the diet.

It's the keeping track that's a pain in my butt. For breakfast, I get 2 carbs (30 grams), 1 meat and 1 fat. Then 2 hours later I get a snack of 1 carb and a meat. For lunch, 4 carbs, 2 meats and a fat, for a snack 2 hours later, 1 carb and a meat, then dinner is the same as lunch and then one more snack. Sounds easy right? Well, it's not. Eating six meals a day is not easy. Eating 6 "good" meals a day is almost impossible. When I get up and 2 hours after each meal I check my blood. So far that hasn't been that bad. 80% of the time I am within my range of where I'm supposed to be. When I'm not, it's pretty obvious as to why.

I've had to make some changes in what I eat as well. I love my sweets. I haven't been buying the WW sweets as much because I'm concerned about chemicals in the "fake" foods. But, I can't give up sweets altogether so I bought some WW desserts today. I tried making some low sugar cookies from scratch yesterday but they weren't that good and my sugar level was high this morning so I've decided to go for the "fake" foods until the baby comes.

Ok, so I guess I'm complaining a little bit. I don't mean to. I do feel better about this whole diet now that I've gone to the grocery store and found some good things I can eat. I will get the hang of it and I'm hoping some of this knowledge will stick in my brain so after the baby comes I can stay on track with healthy eating.

I've also realized that sometimes having 2 full fat cookies is better than 5 or 6 "diet" cookies. I guess I'm learning what's worth the calories and carbs and what's not. Maybe this will be the end of my mindless eating. I have to figure out EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth now. Will I be able to just shove in food without thinking about it later on after the baby comes? I sure hope not. I sure hope I remember how inconvenient this diet is right now and learn from this and not go back to my "old" habits. Maybe there is a reason I get to deal with gestational diabetes and will learn some valuable lessons. Again, I sure hope so.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I had my diabetes class and visit with the nutritionist yesterday. I have to say, it left me sad, confused and just plain old pissed off. I would much rather count points or calories then everything else they expect me to do for this diet.

First of all, I have to prick my finger and test my blood FOUR times a day. And it's not just any old time (ie mid day or evening,) it's 2 hours after I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. I also have to take it first thing in the am. I don't like keep track of every little thing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- the doctor is the motivator of last resort. I kept hearing during the class that if you have gestational diabetes, you have a 50% change of getting it 5-10 years after having your baby. My daughter will be 5 in 6 months. I always knew my changes of getting it were higher, but not 5-10 years! Boy is that a wake up call.

I hate having to do this diet and draw my blood for the next 9 weeks. I can't even imagine doing it for the rest of my life. I will not. I will lose the weight after the baby comes to lower my risk even more.

I'm feeling just a little bit sorry for myself right now. Today was day #1 and I failed miserably. I have only taken my blood once and I skipped lunch altogether because that's how the day turned out. I need to get myself on a routine. I know it's doable and I can do it, but it will take me a few days to get into a routine and do it properly.

I just need a little time to feel sorry for myself and get over this feeling of being mad that I even have to do this. By tomorrow I will feel better about it all because I have nothing scheduled. I can sit down and really try to figure this out. I would try to explain the diet, but honestly, I don't understand it myself yet. Once I have a handle on it I can explain how it all works.

On a happier note, I have worked out 3 times so far this week. I took the water aerobics class last night at the gym and it totally kicked my butt. Much harder than last time. I loved it. I'm going to start taking that once a week. I worked up a good sweat and more or less kept up with everyone else. There are some things I can't do right now being pregnant, but I could do about 95% of everything.

I guess I should go poke my finger and see how I did with dinner. Wish me luck!

Monday, August 9, 2010


I went to the OB last week and was told that I'd hear by Friday if I had gestational diabetes. Friday came and went and no call. I was so happy all weekend.

Until today.....

I got the call. My levels were high and they are just assuming I have gestational diabetes. I feel like a failure. Although, the Dr did make it seem like I can't really avoid it if I had it the first time. I told him I have been really healthy this pregnancy (or at least healthier than my first pregnancy) and he shook his head and said that's good, but if the levels came back high they wouldn't even do the 3 hour test, they'd just consider me a diabetic.

Looking on the bright side, I get to go to the hospital on Wednesday and sit down with a nutritionist that has worked out a diet plan just for me. I can also ask her about exercise and if I am pushing myself hard enough. Doing this might enable me to actually lose weight this last trimester.

One thing that scares me is that gestational diabetes is usually a precursor to having diabetes later in life. Although I am on the right path right now, if I don't change my life for good, I will be diabetic. That scares the crap out of me. I don't want to have to give myself insulin shots or lose a leg later in life.

Maybe this is my wake up call once and for all. I've had a good run. 40 years of basically eating what I want. I guess now is the time to grow up and require more of myself. At least I've been in a good place lately so I can use this as motivation instead of a set back. I have to look at this as a good thing. When I have the baby, the diabetes will go away. Most people get it and have to work really hard to get rid of it. I am lucky. I've gotten a warning and can use this information to change my life.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

For those of you who don't believe in the "Law of Attraction" listen up. For the record, I'm not really a huge fan of "The Secret" although it did introduce me to the Law of Attraction. It's kinda hokey to me that they show this genie that will grant your wishes. It doesn't quite work like that. I view it more alone the lines of "Thoughts are things." You can't just wish for something and it will magically appear out of nowhere. You actually have to DO something in order to attract it or bring it into your life.

At the end of last year I was feeling kind of low. I felt like my life wasn't going anywhere and I needed a change. The Church I attend was having a "burning bowl ceremony" and I decided I was going to go. I felt like leaving lots of things behind in 2009 and felt this might help me mentally get started in this process. I don't go to Church often enough. I wish I went more, but I'm lazy when it comes to giving up my sleep on Sunday mornings. However, I have visited this Church over the past few years when I go and have always loved it. They are more liberal than most Churches and accept just about everyone. They also believe that God loves you no matter what and for the record, I do not believe in Hell. So, on New Year's Eve I went to the burning bowl ceremony and I left there feeling great. I felt lighter somehow and optimistic about life and what 2010 had to offer. I will never forget as I was walking out of the Church this old black lady grabs me, hugs me and says "God loves you." Wow, that was strange but so powerful at the same time. One day I will hug some random person and tell then that God loves them. Hopefully they won't call the police.

On Friday my daughter and I walked up to the mailbox to get the mail. I got a letter! A hand written letter. When was the last time you received a hand written letter? I was pretty excited. I got home, opened it up and the letter was from me! During that ceremony we each wrote a letter to God saying what we were thankful for in the coming year. Kind of "attracting" what we wanted by putting it in writing.

(I should probably explain a little more about the ceremony. We each had a small piece of paper and we wrote what we wanted to get rid of in our lives. I put negativity, judging other, etc. Things I do that I didn't want to do anymore. On the top of my list I wrote Infertility. I was tired of thinking about getting pregnant- or I should say not being able to get pregnant. Whatever happened, I wanted the issue to either leave my head- as in give up trying- or go away. Then we all walked up to the front of the Church and threw the paper into the fire.)

What did my letter say you ask? The very first line said "Thank you for allowing me to get pregnant with a healthy baby." I wasn't pregnant on New Year's eve. I got pregnant weeks later in January. Boy did that really jump out at me. I "burned" my issues with infertility and "gave it to God" as some would say and look what happened.

I also write "Thank you for helping me break my addiction to food and letting 2010 be my healthiest year yet." That is true at this time. It might be because of the pregnancy, but I am healthier now than I was last year.

I guess I should say that I also wrote about resolving some family issues which unfortunately did not happen. I guess I haven't really taken action to help those situations resolves themselves, but I guess that gives me something to write about this New Year's eve doesn't it? But, the year isn't over yet. I still have months to work on this one.

My challenge to you is to do your own burning bowl ceremony. Write down what you want to get rid of in your life. Burn the paper and then write down all the things you want to attract into your life. Put the piece of paper away and don't look at it for a while and see what happens. Notice I didn't say write it down and forget about it. You don't want to do that. Write it down and periodically think about it and see what you attract. Also, be thankful for the things that are in your life. If you are always thinking negatively you will attract negativity. If you are thankful for the good things in your life, you will attract more good things. Go ahead, just try it....

Friday, August 6, 2010

My "company" is gone for the time being. They return on Monday for the day and then leave for good on Tuesday. To say this has been a stressful week would be an understatement. However, I have proven to myself that I can have company and not indulge in all the junk I provide for them. My niece is 13 and has a sweet tooth so I usually take the opportunity to have things in the house I don't normally have because there are only 3 of us. When they visit there are 5 of us so I can't eat 3 cinnamon rolls like I would if I were alone.

Although this week has been stressful, I have not turned to food to make me feel better. I have left the house. I went to the store last night and drove around to cool off because I was about to lose it. You'd think having a 13 year old around would be helpful with my 4 year old, but it turns out the 13 year old just thinks it's the funniest thing on earth to tease my 4 year old. Of course, a 4 year old will only take so much of this before she turns mean and gets really pissed off. I spent my week playing referee which was not fun at all. I have shopped, yelled, worked out and hidden in my room but I have not eaten the frustration away.

I have learned from Geneen's book that eating your feelings away will not rid you of those feelings. All it does it keep them at bay for a while. You can either continue eating to avoid feeling them or just feel them and get them over with. I have chosen the second option. I hated being mad and bitchy, but I'd rather do that then eat 1000 calories to try to make myself feel better. I guess it's all in figuring out what you'd rather feel. This week I chose to feel guilty for being a bitch than to hate myself for gaining weight.

Right now I feel proud of myself for not gaining any weight this week. I also feel proud of myself to making time to work out. I went to the gym twice and worked out at home once. All the things I've wished that I had done in the past when I had company I was able to do this time. I feel GREAT about that. It also helped reduce my stress. Working out does that for me. There are times I hate to do it, but I feel so good when it's done.

I've also decided I'm going to start dealing with "the voice." You know the one. That voice in your head that tells you you are stupid, or ugly or fat. I hear the Voice the most when I am standing in front of the mirror. It says "Look at that double chin" or "My God you look like crap today, How can you leave the house like that?" I have decided when I hear the Voice I'm going to say "FUCK YOU" out loud. I'm going to show the Voice it has no power over me and I don't believe it anymore. Why have I given the Voice any power in the past? Why do I believe it? I refuse to anymore. I'm going to start standing up for myself and start realizing how great my body actually is. My body has given me a beautiful baby girl and another one on the way. My body is perfect in my daughters eyes. I'm going to start seeing it that way myself. If any person came up to me and said the things I allow the Voice to say I would tell them to Fuck off. I'm going to start doing the same thing to the Voice. It's time to shut it up for good.

Monday, August 2, 2010

I got back last night from my mini vacation. It was SO NICE to get away with just the hubby for a short trip. I did not eat well. As a matter of fact, we went to a restaurant yesterday and I got DEEP FRIED OREOS! Yes, you read that right. But, in my defense I did share them with my husband. There were 4 Oreos and a scoop of ice cream drizzled with chocolate sauce and caramel. To say it was wonderful is an understatement. More than 2 would have been too much. I actually told my husband we should consider buying a deep fryer just to try to recreate them. I won't do it, don't worry. That's just the pregnancy hormones talking.

My out of town company has been here for 5 days now. Yes, it has been stressful. I have not buried myself in food though. I am really trying to be good. One day I told them I was going to the gym and I did. Today I went down into my basement and walked on my treadmill. I am carving out time for me as much as I can. I'm really proud of myself for doing this. My house is full of "bad" foods. I am not eating them.

I don't know if it is the fact that I am going to see my OB on Wednesday and don't want him to bring up the fact that I am gaining too much weight or if what I've learned in Geneen's book has really soaked into my brain. I'd like to think is the later. If this has finally sunk in I might actually win this battle with my weight. I am still thinking about what I put into my mouth before I put it in. I am at times deciding the calories are worth it (the deep fried Oreos) and at other times I have decided it's not.

I don't think I wrote about this before so I'll write about it now quickly. I got a new iPhone about a month ago. I've downloaded several programs to help me track my calorie intake and have found them extremely useful. One night my husband and I were going out to dinner and decided to go to Olive Garden. I started looking up the calories in my favorite dishes. Holy shit! There is no other way to say it. ALL of the dishes I like were over 1000 calories. Most had over 40 grams of fat in them. We decided to go somewhere else for dinner.

I have always been a kind of stick my head in the sand person. I don't want to know the calorie content of my favorite foods. Those days are over. If I'm going to consume 500 calories on something, I need to make myself aware of it before I do it. Sticking my head in the sand all these years has gotten me in the mess I'm in now. It's time to take my weight loss efforts seriously. I feel like I'm finally in the right frame of mind. Of course I'm 7 months pregnant which makes it difficult to lose weight, if not impossible. I just need to keep going with my thinking so after the baby comes, I can continue to maintain the healthy habits that I'm starting now. If I maintain my exercise program I'm on now, there will be no stopping me! I will be at my goal weight by next Spring. Just wait and see.