I know I haven't been posting. The reason is because I'm not doing well. I had a really awful thought today. I read and follow the anti Jarred and he is constantly posting about how he lost over 200 pounds. Sometimes I think he talks about it too much. I just want to tell him "Yes, I know you've lost 200 pounds. Can you write about something else?" Anyway, he wrote something like if he could do it, anyone could.

My awful thought was "no, I can't. Those people who do it must have something I don't." How self defeating is that? To honestly think I can't do it? Where do I go from there? How do I begin to start something when I don't think I can do it? To be honest, I can't. I have to get it in my brain that I can do it before I even try. It's hard enough to diet and exercise, but when you have a voice inside your head telling yourself you can't do it, you won't. It's just not possible.

I need to mentally get back to a good place. I have been very overwhelmed with the kids. I don't know how people do it with more than 2 kids. I have such a hard time keeping it all together with just the two. I know it will get better in time. It has gotten better now that Macy is over 1 year old, but I don't want to wait another year.

I feel like shit right now. Physically, I don't even want to admit this, but I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. My husband commented on it the other day when I carried something downstairs and was out of breath. Really? He had to say something? Doesn't he know how disgusted and embarrassed I am to be in this shape? I don't need him pointing it out to me.

I am still using the baby as an excuse to not go to the gym. She does terrible when she is there, but it's only because I take her for a day, she cries and I don't take her back. Once we both get into a routine it will be fine.

I know that I am a lucky and blessed person. I have 2 healthy kids, I am relatively healthy considering my weight and I have a good marriage. I've heard a lot of bad news about people and their situations lately that are much worse off than I am. I feel guilty whining and crying about things that aren't that big of a deal.

I know this post is scattered but I need to get back to posting. At least if I know I am accountable to this blog, maybe that will help me do something. One of my Christmas presents from my husband (the only thing I really wanted) was a day off. A day where I can go do what I want without the kids. That day was supposed to be tomorrow but the way things are shaping up I might not be able to do it. Anyway, the only thing I want to do is go to the gym. If I can go alone, have a nice long work out without being worried about getting called to the daycare, that might just be enough to get me motivated. That will be my first step. Tomorrow I will work out. I need to take it one day at a time and stop looking at it like one HUGE thing I need to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym. That's it.

Happy New year! Maybe everyone be blessed with good health and all the love they can handle in 2012!!!

I am back from Tennessee and ready to get back on track. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone and fully expected that. We stayed at someone's house and apparently this person doesn't eat lunch. They eat breakfast and dinner. However, since we were in the "guest apartment" we never knew when they were actually making breakfast so we missed it everyday. We'd end up eating a bowl of cereal which did not hold me over until breakfast. The only reason I am bringing this up is because we ate out everyday for lunch. I didn't make great choices, although I didn't make awful ones either. Because of that I think I was holding water because of the sodium. I was up 4 pounds yesterday but lost 2 of this yesterday so I don't think it was an actual gain of 4 pounds.

I am a HUGE Dr Phil fan and yesterday on yesterday's show he was endorsing ANOTHER fricken' diet and exercise plan. Ugh. My first reaction was to go online and order it ASAP. But, I'm not going to do that. I am sick and tired of throwing money at my problem. I know what to do. I know how to do it. Ordering another diet and exercise plan isn't going to make me get off my butt and work out. I'm really struggling with this because I always have the newest plan out there. I have the books, or the Wii game or whatever it happens to be. I am not going to cave this time. The plan is $69 and that will buy me almost 2 months of WW.

My plan today is to work out in my basement when the baby goes down for her nap. Going to the gym is out of the question because last week she started a phase where she has to be by me at all times or she screams. This is a new and hopefully short lived phase. I won't even attempt to drop her off at the daycare at the gym because she won't last more than 5 minutes. I need to stop using her as an excuse to not work out. I can still get in a decent work out in my basement. I have a TON of work out DVD's as well as those Wii games I mentioned previously.

I've also realized that I need to come up with a concrete plan. I'm been just saying I'm going to start something and I do for a day or two but then blow it. I don't have a concrete plan to follow and I need that if I'm going to succeed. I'm going to work on that today too.

I feel like I'm back on track.. sort of. I need to take steps to be firmly back on track and feel confident and motivated. I'm back from my trip and it's time to get my butt moving. My fear is I will blow off December thinking that because of Christmas there is no way I can lose weight. However, Christmas is just one day. I don't have a lot of family so for me, it really is only a one day celebration. I need to stop making excuses and just go for it. My goal is to have lost weight this month.

PS- this is totally off subject but I'm SO excited to see Donny and Marie in Detroit on Thursday night. Yes, I'm a huge geek but I've always been a Donny fan and can't wait to see the show!

I really need to keep up with this blog. I know only a couple people read it and one of them I talk to on a pretty regular basis so I don't always think about updating. It doesn't mean I don't read other blogs still. I do, I just haven't had much motivation lately, so it's hard to update when you don't have anything good to say.

However, I finally have some motivation today. I got on the scale this morning and almost cried. I have gained 19 pounds since August. Wow. I am shocked and saddened that I have allowed myself to gain this weight. It made me realize that I think so much about losing that I don't think at all about maintenance. If I would have only maintained my weight I wouldn't be the weight I am today.

I know my laundry list of reasons why this has happened. I told myself today that I need to stop talking about it, stop complaining about it, stop all my damn planning and just DO something. Anything. I just got done walking on my treadmill for 40 minutes. That's something. My eating should be pretty good today. I need to stay away from the Halloween candy. That has been on major obstacle these past few weeks.

This weekend is going to be tough. We are going to Tennessee to stay with my sister in laws family. I don't know these people very well so I'm a little nervous. We also won't have a lot of control over what we eat. However, one good thing is there will be a woman there who is an avid runner and very healthy. I'm hoping to pick her brain and get some tips on getting in shape and motivated.

I'm going to start paying attention to maintenance. I don't want to reach Jan 1 and have another 20 pounds to lose. I am going to (at the very least) maintain over this holiday season. So while I don't have great news to report, I have woken up and realized I need to stop the madness.

I have seriously neglected this blog. I haven't had much to say lately.

I just got back from vacation last week. Took the family to Disneyworld. I don't usually post that stuff prior to the vacation because I don't want people to know that my house will be empty for a week. You just never know how reads your blog. Anyway, I thought I would have gained a TON of weight because with the dining plan at Disney, I am basically eating all day long. I was very relieved to find that I only gained one pound the whole week! Talk about relieved.

I've been in kind of a funk lately. I know that if I don't have my diet right, exercise will not do that much for weight loss. So, I've put both on the back burner. Today I got on the scale and saw that I've lost 4 pounds in this last week. That has renewed my motivation! I guess I should back track and say that I have been watching what I eat this past week. I have not been on a "diet" but just holding back on the amount of junk I consume. So far it is paying off. Makes me wonder how much I could have lost if I was on an actual diet.

The thing is, life is really busy right now. I have to incorporate a busy life and being healthy. It's always in the back of my mind that I'll be better "tomorrow." That thinking has caused me to gain weight these last few months. I am starting to think that I need to be healthy now. Today. Not some random time in the future.

This weekend is my baby's first birthday party. That means cake and pizza and junk. Ugh. I'm going to get some salad and a fruit bowl and try to be as good as I can be.

I know this post is random and all over the place but I have about 5 minutes to write before taking my daughter to school and I wanted to get something written today. I want to get back to blogging and keeping track of my food intake. That seems to be the only things that works for me.

Well, the new diet plan didn't go as well as expected. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained, but I also haven't lost. Today is my birthday and I refuse to start my day off on that damn scale. It probably will not be good, so I don't even want to go there.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I really didn't think it would affect me (the Anniversary of 9/11) but it really did. It got me thinking about life and what's really important to me.

I want to be healthy, don't get me wrong. But, after years and years of obsessing about my weight, I'm ready to stop. Stop thinking all the time about what I eat. Stop feeling bad when I don't make time for exercise. Stop obsessing daily about my weight and body. It's so draining and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I think I've said this before, but I can guarantee you on my death bed I will not say that I wish I was skinny my whole life. I will say I wish I wouldn't have worried about it so much. I wish I would have just enjoyed my life and not felt bad about myself every day.

I can also guarantee you that if I died today, my obituary will not say "She was a fat slob who didn't take care of herself" It would list all the good qualities I have that I never give myself credit for. THOSE are the things I want to start concentrating on. I don't want to be so quick to judge myself and what I do. I want to cut myself slack like I would anyone else in my life.

I am NOT saying I am giving up. I will never do that. I am just saying I'm going to try to figure out how to have balance in my life and how to forgive myself. How to enjoy the "bad" things I eat instead of beating myself up about the calories. I want to take away all the power I've given food and learn how to just be happy with myself, no matter what weight I am.

How am I going to do this? I have no flippin' idea. But, maybe instead of buying another diet book, I can get a book about balance and forgiving myself. Maybe slowly but surely I can figure this out. I'm just tired. I'm 43 years old today and I don't want to waste one more year hating my body and constantly putting myself down because I've failed yet another diet. I want to start finding more joy in life and stop worrying so much about everything.

Yesterday I was standing outside and my neighbor came over. He was obviously upset. His wife passed away yesterday. They built their house to retire in. They probably had one good year before she got sick. I wonder what she thought before she died? Was she happy with the life she led? I want to be able to say "Well, I might have been fat, but at least I was happy" or "I turned it all around that 43rd year and finally figured it all out" Yes, that's the one.

I'm trying a new diet starting tomorrow. I need some structure. Just "trying to be good" is not working for me. I'm going to combine elements of both the 17 Day Diet and the South Beach diet.

On the 17DD you cannot eat red meat during the first cycle. I don't like that. On the South Beach diet, you can't have any carbs the first phase. I don't like that either. So, what I'm going to do if eat any kind of meat and eat only fruit until 2 pm like in the 17DD. Fruit will be the only carb I allow myself. And, I'm going to allow myself sugar free desserts like Jello and popsicles. Both are allowed on the 17DD but not on South Beach.

Confused yet? I just don't like either diet on it's own. I find them both too constricting so I do well for a few days and then go on a binge because I've been so deprived. This way I'm combining good elements from both diets and I'll see what happens. I'll give it a solid week before I decide if it's working.

I know this kind of sounds like I'm just taking the easiest route for both diets, but it's not really like that. I'm trying to set myself up for success instead of failure. It's better then what I'm doing now which is pretty much nothing. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks and I'd really like to lose 10 pounds before I go. These are not vanity pounds. These are pounds I need to lose so my clothes are comfortable when I'm out of town.

Tomorrow my 5 year old goes to Kindergarten for her first day. I'm getting so sad about this. I've been looking forward to it for weeks now, but now that the first day is actually here, I'm sad. I'm sad that these first 5 years of her life have gone by so quickly and it's only going to go faster and faster from here on out. I'm glad I'll have the time with the baby though. I'm sure we'll find plenty to do to keep us busy. (Like go to the gym)

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a mid life crisis. I lost one of my best friends 2 days ago. I'm not going to get into all the details, but I've known her since I was 18 and watched all her kids grow up. I've changed a lot since I was 18, but she hasn't changed as much.

Which brings me to my mid life crisis. I've come to realize that I need to expect more from myself and the people around me. I want to surround myself with positive people that are uplifting. Not drama queens that are energy draining. Unfortunately, it's not easy to call up a good friend and say "Hey, do you think you could change because I'm changing and I can't deal with you the way you are"

Sometimes I feel like I'm going through a crisis because things that were just fine a few months ago are not acceptable to me now. But, I'm also sticking up for myself and people don't like it. They are used to the person who just lets them take advantage and goes with the flow. I was the type of person who wouldn't yell fire if I was on fire in a movie theater because I wouldn't want to disturb anyone. No more. I'm starting to stick up for what I believe in. I'm starting to find my voice. It's taken me 42 years, but I've finally started to realize that I'm worth so much more than I've given myself credit for and I want other people to realize that too.

I'm sad that I know I will lose people along the way. There are people who were in my life that didn't add anything to it. They are emotional black holes and it's time to cut them loose. I don't have many friends so this is going to be very difficult for me. But, I'm worth it. I'm worth people in my life who value me and my friendship.

Yes, this has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss, but I think that realizing I'm worth more and giving myself the credit I deserve will help me take better care of my body.

The baby is calling, gotta go! Have a wonderful Labor day!!

Somewhere, somehow I've found motivation to be healthy. I've gone to the gym twice so far this week. I was supposed to go this afternoon, but the baby was really crabby after a morning of errands so I cancelled her appointment in the daycare. I got called back to the daycare yesterday when she wouldn't stop crying so I don't want to push it.

I have a friend who has lost about 20 pounds over the past 6 months. She is by NO means fat in anyway. I think she went from 150 to 130, so now she's super skinny. She works out everyday and usually for a few hours each day. Last week she kind of took me under her wing and worked out with me. She showed me a great upper body work out. We were walking on the treadmill and she told me to up my incline and speed. My initial thought was "oh no way, there's no way I can do that" but SHE didn't know that. She knows that I am capable of doing these things and should be doing these things on a daily basis. I did what she told me to and make it through the work out without dying! My arms were killing me for the next few days, but I DID IT.

That made me really start to think about how I don't give myself enough credit and don't push myself as much as I should be when I work out. I can see why people use personal trainers. They push you because they know you can do it even when you don't know yourself. The personal trainers at my gym are very expensive and I just can't justify paying $90 per hour for a trainer. My husband often complains about the cost of the gym membership so I can't even think about asking him to add a weekly training session to that. I'm just going to have to try to work out with my friend once a week if possible. She's thinking about becoming a trainer so maybe we can help each other.

I haven't seen any improvement on the scale. I know it's because I still don't have my diet nearly where it needs to be. I'm working on it though. I have been putting my food intake into My Fitness Pal on my phone, which does help me at least see what I'm consuming.

Next week my daughter starts kindergarten. She will be going 3 full days a week and 2 half days. I should be able to get to the gym on those full days. I'm excited and happy about getting my butt in gear, finally.

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Everything went very well. I hate the prep, but that wasn't even bad this time. The worst part of the whole thing was getting a lecture from the doctor IN FRONT OF MY HUSBAND about my bad habits. She pretty much told me to grow up and do what I need to do to get rid of my acid issues. Eat better, lose weight, blah, blah, blah. Tell me something I don't know already lady!

She also told me I need to cut out caffeine 100%. I laughed in her face. First of all, I don't drink that much caffeine. Second of all, I've been on diets where my acid is controlled pretty well and I haven't cut out caffeine, so I really don't think that's the issue. I'd like to see her not drink caffeine with a 10 month old baby!

I was pretty embarrassed hearing her lecture me in front of my husband. I wish she wouldn't have done that because now he's going to be the food police. He has no clue about food though so I just find ways around that. He's at work all day so I can pretty much eat what I want. He's also clueless. I convinced him once that Kentucky Fried Chicken was healthy because it was chicken. He has no idea about healthy food. Now I just feel like I have to figure out ways around him telling me what to do which is just wasted energy. It goes along with my previous post about when someone tells me what to do I want to rebel, even if I know it's the right thing to do.

However, I am motivated now to start eating right. I've been telling myself since my reunion that once these tests were done, I'd get healthy. Now the tests are done and the results were good, it's time to take this seriously. I'm ready. School starts in 2 weeks so I will have time to go to the gym. I may even go to the gym today. Not sure yet because the weather is supposed to be horrible this afternoon, including a possible tornado. I should probably plan to stay at home this afternoon because of that. My 10 month old is almost walking and once she does I will no longer need an appointment in the daycare at the gym. I am SO HAPPY about that. I won't need to worry about her schedule and when she's going to nap. When she gets up, we go.

I do have another book to comment about. I just started it yesterday. Remember Geneen Roth? Well, she's written a new book. It's called "Lost and Found" unexpected revelations about food and money. I guess she lost her money because she invested in Bernie Maddoff's ponzi scam. She's tying in her spending habits with her eating habits. I am really interested in that. Not only do I binge eat, I binge spend at times. When I binge eat, I don't sit down and eat a bag of chips, I just eat something when I'm not hungry. I'm not that bad with binge eating. Binge spending is an issue for me. I need to learn how to control that. I'm only on page 27 and it's got me hooked. If I can figure out how to control my impulsive spending and eating I'd be one happy camper!

Ever get that feeling where you are almost motivated to change your life? You're right there, and you are almost ready to get started? That's how I feel right now. I'm almost ready to lose this weight for good. I'm almost ready to get back to working out. I'm almost there.....

I had blood work taken at the doctor a couple weeks ago. I got a call saying everything was A OK. That means I am NOT pre diabetic! That means my cholesterol is good. Everything is GOOD. This means that if I lose weight now, I might not have done any permanent damage to my body.

Next week Tuesday is a day I am dreading. I scheduled a colonoscopy and a scope down my throat. I have been on acid reducing medicine for over 5 years now and my doctor wants to make sure there isn't any underlying issues causing the acid. And the colonoscopy is because I had polyps when I was younger so they want to check me out every 7 years (I'm 2 years overdue for this one)

My point is, if these tests come back ok, I feel like I might have a second chance. It might not be too late to change my body and not really have any lasting affects (except loose skin) to being overweight for so long. There is always a little voice in my head telling me I am too old to change. That even if I do lose weight, I'll just gain it back like I've always done in the past. Maybe this isn't true. Maybe it's not too late for me.

I know one thing for sure, I will lose weight next Monday. I only get clear liquids all day long! Ugh, I remember the prep being much, much worse than the actual test. I will be completely knocked out so I won't feel a thing, but a day of not eating will be hard.

I'm not saying I'm giving up on this week because I'm not. The weather is beautiful here today so I'm loading the girls up in the stroller and taking them for a walk. If it gets over 80 degrees I'm going to take them to the pool this afternoon. I'm going to take advantage of this beautiful weather and get out and walk this week. I've also got some healthy meals planned this week so this week should be a good week.

Reunion OVER

My high school reunion was last Saturday night. I was a little sad going in thinking about all the goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year. I am at my heaviest weight this year. Still 30 pounds lighter than the last reunion 5 years ago, but nowhere near where I was hoping to be.

The reunion was bizarre to say the least. I've had 2 days to think about this and how I feel about it. I have been asking myself this question: Is it better to be made fun or or be invisible? I knew nobody would outright make fun of me. We are all adults and I know people are beyond that. However, I felt totally invisible the whole night. Not one person asked me what I did for a living. Only one person asked me where I live now.

When I was initially thinking about it, I felt ignored. But, thinking about it now for 2 days I realized that I was just invisible. I know I am mostly to blame for this. I am not the type of person who can walk up to a group and just jump into an ongoing conversation. I have always been shy and will most likely always have trouble speaking in a group. I just thought someone might come up to me to chat.

My BFF was with me and she's the one who would approach someone and start talking. I was kind of being her shadow and just followed along. The people would say hello to me and then turn to my friend and have a conversation with her and I just faded away.

Like I said it was bizarre. I have never felt so insignificant in my life. I'm not mad about it, I'm just sad. Sad that I'm not the type of person who can just walk up and talk to anyone. Sad for some people who cannot move on from the stereotypes of high school. Sad that I even allowed myself to become invisible. Sad about the whole experience. I wonder if anything would have been different had I lost 30 pounds. Something tells me no, it would have been exactly the same as it was.

My next goal is to be under 200 pounds by the time we leave for Disney World at the end of September. I need to get back on track and I need to do it NOW before I do anymore damage.

Daughter #1 needs to get to bed. I just wanted to update this before I forgot about the reunion.

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I keep thinking I want to and then don't. But, it's not because I'm doing badly, because I'm not. I'm maintaining, which I don't think is "bad." It's not what I want to be doing, but I'm not gaining so I consider this a good thing.

A really sad thing happened that I want to talk about. I was bathing suit shopping about 2 weeks ago. They were on sale and I needed a new one so I went to JC Penny. I was looking at the swim suits and an older lady was there too. I'd guess she was in her early 70's maybe? Shorter, plump, gray hair. Anyway, she says to me "Gee, these are kind of expensive. I'd hate to spend that much money on a suit when I won't be this size for much longer." I said something like "Yeah, I know what you mean" and she said "My doctor is testing my thyroid. He thinks there might be something wrong with it since I'm not losing weight anymore. So, I'm going to be in a smaller size when he figures out what's going on"

Wow, how many times have I said to myself when I didn't want to buy another size 18, 20 or 22 because I was going to lose weight and would need a smaller size "soon"? I've been saying this for years! Is it possible that I will be in my 70's saying the same thing? That makes me incredibly sad. Is it possible that I will NEVER be happy with my body? Will I be a 70 year old woman telling myself that any day now I'll be in a smaller size?

It made me realize that I need to do something. I need to figure out how to be happy with my body no matter what size I am. I know that there are health reasons why I HAVE to lose weight. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being happy with the way I look no matter what. Is it possible to like my body at any size? Does anyone like their body when they are a size 18?

I don't want to live out the rest of my life thinking that any day now I will lose this weight for good. I want to find a way to be happy with how I look *now* while striving to lose weight so I can be healthy and play with my kids without getting winded. I'm working on this and if I find any of the answers, you'll be the first to know.

I was doing very well with my 3 goals until the weekend hit. Then it all kind of fell apart. I just don't have a solid plan in place. That's been my issue all along. I need to commit to a plan and do it. I know this, I've just been looking for a quick fix which does not exist.

My reunion is 4 weeks away and really at this point I won't be able to make that much of a difference in my appearance. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I'm mostly sad that I even care about what the people I went to high school with think. The ones that matter to me have kept in touch and know that I'm not skinny. Why do I care about the rest of them?

I was made fun of all through school because I was shy and overweight. A deadly combination. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have stuck up for myself but I was so afraid to even talk that i was an easy target. I've really come to realize that the people who made fun of me just felt insecure themselves. However, I still feel insecure to this day. Why? I have no idea.

I should probably stop resisting and just go back on Weight Watchers. It did work for me when I did it. I need to accept the slow and steady approach and realize that losing 2 pounds a week is a great way to do it. I still have time before my Disney trip to make a difference in my weight. That is my next goal.

Back to the drawing board

Ok, so all these quick and easy diets I've been trying are not working. I've wasted a lot of time trying to find a quick fix and I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing worth writing home about.

I've been skipping around reading The Spark. It is written by the person who created Spark People. Anyway, they suggest in this book to start out your first week with 3 very small goals. Easily attainable goals so you can feel proud of yourself at the end of the week. He writes that the "fast diets" work for a week or two but then you burn out. I agree with that because that has happened to me a few times within this past 6 months.

My 3 goals this week are:

#1- drink 8 glasses of water each day

#2- track all the food I eat

#3- do at least 10 mins of some activity per day

Easy enough, right?

The water is a no brainer. I just have to think about it each day because I usually just forget to drink it. Tracking the food will not be "hard" just something I got out of the habit of doing. I have an iPhone so I really have no excuse not to do it. I know the 3rd one sounds easy and it really is. In my brain I think if I can't do 45 mins of cardio it's not even worth doing anything at all. That's not true. If I start out just doing 10 mins and stop, at least I've done something. Even that 10 minutes will burn some calories.

But, if I start out walking for 10 minutes, chances are I will walk more than 10 minutes. I will keep going. It takes me at least 20 minutes to do a whole loop around my sub.

This plan is doable. How can I not succeed by just doing these 3 things? I'll check back in at the end of the week to let you know how I've done.

Ever notice when a blogger stops blogging it's usually because they are not doing very well? I've noticed that a lot of my favorite blogs have been light on posts lately and they always come back and report that they are struggling. I find this somewhat depressing. EVERYONE I read has had struggles lately. I guess if someone reports that everything is going well all the time I'd be suspicious.

I've been plugging along. Not gaining but not losing. I was thinking about it last week and pretty much figured out what my problem is. As twisted as this sounds, it's what I've come up with. When I was a kid basically everything was out of my control. My dad leaving, my mom dying, living with 3 brothers after that, etc. So now, I need to control everything. I HATE it when someone tells me what to do. (this is where it gets twisted) In having to lose weight, I am telling myself that I must exercise and eat properly. It's what I HAVE TO DO to get healthy. Even though it is ME telling ME what to do, I still want to say "Screw you! I'm going to do what I want" and I eat badly.

By me HAVING to eat healthy and exercise, it is kind of out of my control. I want to do what I want when I want to. I want to eat what I want when I want to. I can't do that and be healthy at the same time. I am sabotaging myself constantly because I want what I want when I want it.

Where does this leave me? I'll tell you. It leaves me weighing over 200 pounds and miserable. I have no idea how to fix it and how to correct my thinking. If I tell myself that I have to GAIN 10 pounds, maybe I'd go the other way!

What I do know is when I see any victory on the scale, I almost immediately sabotage myself. WTF? Why do I do that?

I don't have any answers, but I am actually doing OK this week. I ate pretty well yesterday and worked out. As soon as the baby wakes up I'm going to take the kids on a walk. I'm plugging along wishing I was doing better but it is what it is. I can't seem to find the motivation that I need.

Is anyone out there doing great and actually losing weight right now?????

Yesterday I had to take our 8 month old to the hospital for some tests. I knew it was going to be a rough day. So, I lined up a sitter for Monday for both kids and had the afternoon to myself to do whatever I wanted. I did not allow myself to clean the house or do anything that wasn't for *me.* What a concept, huh?

My mind was going wild. Pedicure? Massage? Movie? Hmmm, what was I going to do. You will probably be amazed to find out what I did. I WENT TO THE GYM! I realized that I've been saying for months now if it wasn't for these damn kids I'd be working out. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I dropped off the kids and headed straight to the gym. I did about 50 mins of cardio and then showered and felt GREAT! OMG, I missed working out. I've never really believed people when they say they miss going to the gym. I NEVER thought I would EVER say that. Guess what? I missed going to the gym and felt so good afterwards.

(After the work out I did get a pedicure where the massage chair practically violated me, but I'll save that story for another post)

Today is a new day and I feel great! I'm going to go in my basement and work out when the baby naps. I would try the gym but we haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor about the baby yet. The tech told me "unofficially" that she didn't see any issues with my daughter's bladder, so I'm confident that we will be going to the gym next week. Until then, I am going to utilize all my exercise equipment and get in a good work out. I would just walk outside but it is incredibly hot today. I think it's going up to 94 and I don't want to walk outside in this heat.

The issues with hubby seem to be a little better too. I've borrowed a book from a friend who is going through a divorce. She said if she would have read this book a year or two ago she probably wouldn't be getting divorced right now so I'm going to read it and work on things with him. We had a good talk last weekend and we are both going to try to be less passive aggressive and just say what we mean instead of little snide comments to each other.

8 weeks until the reunion and my goal at this point is to be under 200 pounds. I can do it! I was 214 yesterday (yep, gained a few). That's under two pounds to lose each week. I can do that. I will do that! I'll post a picture of me in my fabulous new dress or outfit I'm going to buy for that night. No waiting until Monday or some random day in the future, today is the day.

I'm going to post a really good quote I read today, take a moment to think about it:

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all Its blunders and tears, its follies and defects. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake In tomorrow, for it is still unborn. With God's help and only one day to concentrate all my effort and energy on, this day, I can win."
~Og Mandino

This post is probably going to be totally off subject but I just don't give a damn. It all ties in together I guess.

How can 2 people live together and be so out of sync? I just don't get it. I know marriages have their ups and downs but lately mine is down and can't get back up. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately and we can't understand the other person at all. He says I blow things out of porportion and I think he doesn't care enough about anything.

Because of this I've been eating. Tonight was the dreaded pizza. Because I've been on pins and needles with him when he texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted this pizza place we've been wanting to try, I said yes because I thought it would make him happy. I didn't tell him I had already bought 2 steaks and was planning on grilling tonight. I didn't want to cause another fight.

I feel defeated once again. I just can't get out of my slump. Because the baby has some ongoing health issues hubby doesn't want me to take her to the gym because she might gets sick. However, he is unwilling to let me go in the evening after he gets home from work. My other option is to get up at 4:30 AM and go work out before he goes to work.

I really do know that life could be worse. I really try to count my blessing each and every day. There are some days though when I feel empty and know that I need to make a whole bunch of changes. Nobody can do it for me. I need to start somewhere. Just one thing. I'm too scattered when so many things need to be fixed and too overwhelmed. Ok, enough of this. I'm getting tired of hearing me whine......

I have been floundering these past few weeks. Last week was really strange. I did nothing as far as diet and/or exercise and I lost 2 pounds. I was kind of mad about that. I can diet and exercise my ass off and not lose weight and I do nothing and lose weight. It's the randomness that makes me mad. You'd think with hard work and exercise it's a no brainer, the weight would come off.

I have no real reason for floundering except for being busy. My daughter's last day of school was yesterday so I was busy with the end of the year stuff. Tonight is graduation and tomorrow is the picnic and then I really have no excuses.

I still like the 17 day diet as far as easiness to follow. I seem to do well on diets that are easy to follow and don't take much thought.

I was thinking this morning that until I learn to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life I will never be where I want to be. I was contemplating eating something not healthy this morning because I'm not following a plan or anything right now. It just dawned on me that I will not have success until I stop thinking this way. I need to learn that ANY healthy eating is good eating, no matter what diet I'm on.

I can't tell you how many times I think "Well, today is shot anyway so why not just have that pizza?" I should be thinking "I haven't made such good choices today so I should eat something healthy for dinner." WHY is this so hard to do? Honestly!??!!? I am not stupid. I know this stuff. I know how to lose weight. I know how to diet. WHY do I make this so difficult in my mind?

I really think that if I can get my thinking right, the weight will just come off. I have the knowledge to lose weight. I just need to follow through with it.

I'm just not feeling it right now. I want to lose the weight. My reunion is fast approaching. For some reason I just don't care right now. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks. But, I also have only gained about 2-3 pounds back. I haven't completely thrown in the towel. I am trying to be good here and there. I could be doing so much better though.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I go in thinking that if I can write about my issues I can fix them. I don't have any great insight to share today. I wish this was easier. I wish I could just want to eat good and be healthy. Sigh..........

When we plan, God laughs

Well, my diet has been non existent since Monday. I was going along great on the 17 day diet (cycle 1) and then the baby got sick.

She's been under the weather for a while now but at the end of last week she got worse. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she said to just wait to see what happens. They don't want to give antibiotics as much anymore. If you give the wrong one, you can mask a condition that might be more serious. Anyway, she got worse and by Monday her fever was 104.

We went to the doctor on Monday morning and she advised us that Macy had to go into the hospital. She had an infection that required IV antibiotics. Talk about being scared out of my mind. I just started crying at the doctors office. She felt so bad for me. As she's trying to explain what was going on I was just crying.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we were in the hospital until yesterday. The antibiotics did their job and she is much better today. We still have some tests to do to find out why she got the infection in the first place, but she is MUCH better today.

So, I did learn one thing through all of this. I was laying in the hospital bed with Macy and looking up at the IV thinking "I don't want to go out this way" I don't want to die and have the last thing I see an IV bag and a hospital room ceiling when I die. Basically, all the crap and bullshit I complain about doesn't mean shit. I'm sorry, it's true.

When you get down to basics, your health is the ONLY thing you should be concerned about. If you don't have that, NOTHING else matter. I'm ready to get HEALTHY. Not skinny, not a number on the scale. Just good health.

I have more to say but the baby is crying. I will finish this thought in my next post!

No more excuses

After my last post about how I didn't want to do the 17 day diet, guess what I started 2 days ago? Yep, the 17 day diet. Ok, let me explain why.

I was watching Ruby over the weekend. I like the show although she is hardly an inspiration to me. She has been failing miserably with her weight loss. If anything, it just shows how hard it is. She has an excellent team surrounding her and she still can't seem to stay on track. I do feel for her because we are similar in a lot of ways and I know how she feels. Anyway, on the last show I watched her therapist talked about how Ruby lies to herself. How she makes herself feel better saying things like "Well, I'm not doing that badly" or "I can do the diet this way, because I know what I'm doing."

There's a name for what she does, but I can't for the life of me remember it. Anyway, I do that all the time. I tell myself that these diets aren't working. I don't tell myself to look at what I'm actually doing to see that the diet is just fine, it's ME who's not following it the way I should be. I can justify anything away.

-I don't work out because of the baby.

-I can have a "cheat day" and it won't hurt my diet efforts.

-I don't have time to do a proper diet.

The list goes on and on. I constantly let myself off the hook. I constantly lie to myself. Instead of holding myself accountable for my actions, I make up little lies in head to make it all ok. My one friend calls them excuses, I call them lies. What is the difference? I'm trying to fool myself and at the time it works. But, then when the numbers on the scale say something different, I get mad and quit.

If my daughter had a health problem that required a certain diet, I'd be damn sure to get it done. I'd make the time to prepare whatever needed to be prepared. I'd make the time for anyone else in my family. Why can't I do that for myself? I need to take better care of their mother so I will be around for them when they need me. My mother wasn't around for me. I know how hard it is growing up without a parent. I need to make myself a priority again.

So, the 17 day diet it is. I wanted to do it again because I feel good physically when I'm on it. I have an awful problem with acid reflux and it doesn't bother me when I'm on this diet. I'm giving it a real shot this time. It can be time consuming preparing the foods and planning the meals, but what diet isn't? I've got to make this work. I've got 3 months until my high school reunion. I've still got time to make a real difference in my weight if I do it now. No more excuses.

Trying to decide what to do

My friend wants to try the 17 day diet starting on Monday. She's going through a really rough patch with her husband (soon to be ex) and wants to lose some weight so she can get some confidence in herself. I told her I would do it with her to support her. However, I don't really think that's the right thing for me to do right now.

I have another friend who has been going to Weight Watchers for months now. She's over 300 lbs and so far has lost 30. She's consistently losing 2-3 pounds a week. IF I would have started WW (the old plan) and stuck with it Jan 1, I'd probably be down over 20 lbs by now.

Instead I've done Phase one of the South Beach diet, the 17 day diet and the new WW points plus diet. Where am I? About 3 pounds down from my weight Jan 1. I'm like the hare in The Turtle and the Hare story. I want a quick fix. Had I taken the turtle's approach, I'd be half way to my goal by now.

I was looking back at my old WW books and was reminded that I lost 40 pounds on the old WW diet. I think I should go back to that and be happy with a pound or two a week. Obviously these quick fixes aren't doing it for me. I do great for a few days but then want whatever it is I can't have and go crazy. Actually the 17 day diet was the easiest of them all, but I couldn't keep up with all the planning.

I also need a plan where I can have frozen meals. There are days when I don't have time to chop up a salad or grill a chicken breast. There are many days when I'm feeding the baby and eating a frozen WW meal at the same time. I need a plan (right now) that will give me that flexibility.

I guess I need to just tell her that the 17 day diet isn't for me right now. I'm tired of trying all these things that aren't working. I need to make a life style change and I think WW will help me do that in the long run.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. The baby got sick after her first week there and still is very congested and stuffed up. I'd forgotten how long it takes babies to get rid of a stuffy/runny nose because they can't blow their noses themselves. I'm hoping to get back soon. I was really getting into a nice little routine there for a week.

My niece is staying with us this week so that's also throwing off my schedule. I would love to get in a couple of work outs this week and I'm going to try my best to do just that. We got a few inches of SNOW here on Monday. I wish Spring would come to stay. I want to walk outside and take the baby in the stroller. She loves it and when I have both kids in the double stroller I get twice the work out because I'm pushing 60 pounds between those 2 kids.

I'm hanging in there. I could be doing better, but I could be doing worse. I think I've made my decision to start WW on Monday. Of course, why should I wait? Why don't I start it tomorrow? I have a big Easter dinner planned, so I can take Sunday off, but I shouldn't blow this week because Monday is the typical day we all start diets. So, my plan right now is to start WW right NOW!!

I am doing much better than I was the other day. I'm not doing anything other than paying attention to what I'm eating. I have lost 2 lbs, but I'm sure that was water because I ate so bad during my "bender." When I eat out I get so much more sodium than when I prepare my own meals.

I did have one realization though that has made me happy. I watch the shows on people who are grossly overweight. Shows like Ruby and the 5 ton man, shows like that. I have always though that I could easily be one of these people. However, I have realized that I will NEVER be one of these people. The reason is because I refuse to give up.

I think that a person who reaches 700 lbs has given up. They feel that there is nothing they can do to lose weight. I know this isn't true for myself. Yeah, it might be difficult. Yeah, I might fail. But, when I do fail I get up and try again. I may whine and complain a little before getting back up, but I ALWAYS get back up and try again.

I refuse to believe that I will be fat for the rest of my life. I will find what works and stick with it. It will happen. I have a shirt that I got from the Kennedy Space Center that says "Failure is not an option" and I'm really starting to believe that. It doesn't mean I won't have bad days that are filled with bitterness and resentment that I can't be a person to eat what I want when I want. As long as I keep getting up, brushing myself off and trying something new, I'm doing OK.

I have come a long way. I need to keep reminding myself that 4 years ago I was about 254 pounds. Today I am 214. That's 40 fricken' pounds! That awesome! Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I've come a long way and I will continue to lose weight. I know it's taken a while to get to this point, but in that time I've had another baby and life has certainly gotten in the way. As the baby gets older and older it will be easier for me to work out and take time for "me" which is just not an option right now.

I haven't given up. Far from it. I'm going to continue to fight this battle with weight and I will win. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of my life!

Today I realized (again) that I am just like an alcoholic. I'm addicted to food. I went on a bender this weekend and gained back everything that I lost. This really makes me feel defeated. Like and alcoholic, it started with just one "bad" food and just went downhill from here. 2 fricken' weeks of hard work down the crapper. I really have nothing positive to say except, back to the drawing board.

Instead of leaving you with depressing thoughts again, I thought I'd leave with a picture of my beautiful girls. When I look at this, I really have nothing to be depressed or sad about:

I just got home from a card making party and everyone is in bed, fast asleep. I think this is the first time in about a year that this has happened. My husband is MUCH more comfortable with baby #2 then he ever was with baby #1. I am so thankful that I can actually go out every once in a while and enjoy myself without worrying what's happening at home.

I have some good news, and some bad news. First the good news: I have worked out 3 times so far this week and plan to go to the gym tomorrow so that makes FOUR work outs in one week! WOO HOO! That's been my goal for months now and I'm so happy I've finally achieved it. I know I have many more work outs in my future, but just to get one solid week under my belt feels really good.

Now for the bad news: I haven't been doing wonderful on my diet these past 2 days. It's not that I've been horrible, it's just that I've been slacking. For instance, last night my turkey meat was still frozen so it was hard to make the burgers I was planning on making. I made sloppy joes instead. I ate mine on a bun, which I'm not supposed to eat these first 17 days. Tonight I went to this party and started to get a little hungry and ate some of the food there. None of which is on my diet. I haven't totally pigged out, but I'm not being that good either. I can think of about 5 or 6 things I've done wrong over these past 3 days and because of that, I've gained a pound.

I know in the grand scheme of things, a pound isn't much. However, I feel like I keep gaining and losing the same pound. I swear, if I were to keep track of all the weight I have lost and regained and re-lost, I'm sure I've lost well over 100 pounds this past year.

But, I also know that this is a long process. I will have good days and I will have bad days. These past couple of days have been bad, but I know the next few days will be good. Tomorrow I will sit down and plan my meals. I will go shopping and have all the foods I need in the house. I will also work out 4 times next week so if I do have something I'm not supposed to have, it won't really matter because I can burn it off.

I seem to do well when I can stay home and not go out. This past week my daughter had Spring Break from school so we were on the go most of the week. That is hard for me because I don't pack the necessary snacks and get hungry while we are out running around. I am going to start cutting up veggies and put them in baggies so I can grab them and go.

My goal for the coming week is to get down to 210. This morning I was 213. That's up a pound from my lowest (since having the baby) of 212. I can do this. IF I stick to the diet 100%, I can do this. The following week is going to be a challenge because my niece from Virginia is going to be staying with us and at the end of the week (Easter weekend) her parents will arrive and spend a few days. That tends to be an eating fest in my house.

Which leads me to another point I will explore later, but I tend to show my love for people with food. I do it with everyone and have always done it. I cook for them. I bake for them. This is how I show them I love them. WHY do I have to use food in this way? So, whenever we have company staying with us from out of town, I stock my house up with junk food. Comfort food. Anything "bad." I need to stop this behavior. I need to figure out why I do this and stop.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will not dwell on all the things I've done wrong. I'm looking forward to a day of good eating and exercise tomorrow. 210 here I come!

Week #1 done

My grand total of weigh loss for Monday-Friday is 3 pounds. I am happy with that. I am down to 213 which is a half a pound less than my pre pregnancy weight. I haven't really felt like I've been dieting and when I do feel hungry, it's my own fault for not preparing ahead of time. That is my biggest downfall, not having things ready to eat and paying attention to when I eat and when I will need to eat again.

On Friday night my husband and I actually had a sitter so we went out to eat. I had pizza and dessert and didn't regret one bite. We don't often have a night without the kids, so I took full advantage of it.

I think I've finally, fully realized that I need to incorporate whatever diet I'm doing into my lifestyle. If I don't, I can lose all the weight in 17 days, but I will go right back to eating the way I did prior to the diet and gain it all back. I'm sick of that. I can't tell you how many times I have lost this same 3 pounds. I would be at my goal (and then some) if I could just lose and not regain anything.

I'm following the basic rules of the 17 day diet, but I am not following it 100%. I couldn't find sugar free yogurt at the 2 stores I went to so I got the lowest sugared yogurt I could. I could not find acidophulus milk so I am using Sugar Free cream in my coffee. If that means I "only" lose 3 pounds in 4 days, I'm happy with that. I don't need to lose 10-14 pounds in 17 days. If I lost 6 or 7 I'd be THRILLED.

My first goal is to get to "onederland." (From Biggest Loser) "Onederland" means you weigh somewhere in the 100's. I haven't been in the 100's in over 10 years. If I can get there in a month or two, I will be ecstatic. Since my ultimate goal is 175, that means I will only have 25 more pounds to lose. I can't even remember the last time I've had less than 50 to lose.

I also realized yesterday that I am out of the woods as far as post partum depression goes. At about this time after having my first baby, I had already gained 40 pounds. This time around, I am below my pre pregnancy weight. I think I can stop worrying about blowing it this time. I've already proved that I won't blow it.

And now for the biggest news. I WENT BACK TO THE GYM! I've worked out twice since Friday. On the first day I got about 25 mins into my work out and got called out to change a poopy diaper. I was short of time that day so I just showered afterwards and went home. (PS- I actually had time in the shower to shave my legs AND condition my hair since the baby was in the daycare. That never happens since I've had the baby) Today I got in 45 minutes of cardio. The baby is doing SO WELL in the daycare. I am thrilled. It's a little nerve wracking for me because I have to schedule appointments for her to be watched and it's hard to tell form day to day what is a good time for her. Today I thought for sure she would fuss because she needed a nap, but she was fine.

I finally feel like I'm on the right track and will be at my goal by the end of the Summer!

Today is day #3 of the 17 day diet. I am doing pretty well I think. I am not weighing myself until Friday so obviously I don't know if I'm losing any weight, but I've been following the diet and it's not that bad. Having the fruits before 2 pm really help with my sugar craving. However, I do have to confess that I made some Sugar Free Fat Free pudding and I've been eating that for dessert. Just one serving each night, so 80 calories I think. It's ok. If I only lose half of what the books says I'll be happy.

Have you seen the movie "Fathead?" OMG, I just watched it over the last 2 days and it's a real eye opener. If you liked "Supersize Me" you'll like "Fathead." Well, maybe I should take that back because the guy in Fathead basically shows that the guy who did Supersize me was full of crap.

I didn't like Supersize me. I thought the guy was overdramatic and wasn't realistic. I don't remember much more of the movie, so I'm going to watch it again in order to have some examples of why I thought that because I don't remember specifics at this time. (If you have Netflix, both movies are on that)

Anyway, the guy in Fathead basically says that eating animal fat is not a bad thing. That we ate it for hundreds of years and were healthier than we are now. He says A LOT in this movie and of course talks to "experts" who back up his claims, but it was a real eye opener for me. Basically, he went on a fast food diet for 30 days (actually 28) and lost weight. He didn't gorge himself on food like the guy in Supersize me did, but he did eat a lot of burgers. What he did was keep his calories to 2000 a day and his CARBS to about 100 a day. His main point is that CARBS are the enemy, NOT fat. Hmmmmm. When you watch it, it makes sense.

It does make me feel better that I am on the right track with what I've been eating. The 17 day diet is a very low carb diet, but it's also low fat.

In a future post I will give more info about both movies. I just wanted to make sure I recommended seeing Fathead before I forget! Yes, I have mommy brain! I forget everything!

Well, I failed miserably yesterday. I went to a charity scrap book event and the food and drinks were coming all day long, and boy did I take advantage. I paid $30 to be there so I had to stuff my face! At least that's what I kept telling myself. I felt physically ill when I left there at 10 pm and was ill most of the night. It has been a long time since I have eaten like that and I hope it's another long time until I do again. Ugh.....

And, I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but I'm going to try ANOTHER diet. Sigh....... The story of my life right? This one is the 17 day diet that Dr Phil has been promoting. I wasn't going to buy the book. I have a TON of diet books and no matter how intrigued I was, I wasn't going to give in. Then I got a $20 gift card to Barnes and Noble that expired on April 1. I went to the website to redeem it and there is was. The 17 day diet book. So many people on Dr Phil have had success so it's gotta work right? I gave in and bought it dammit. At least I didn't spend "my money" on the book.

The 17 day diet is 4 cycles of 17 day diets. Each cycle has a different diet you follow. (I haven't read the whole book yet, but have skimmed though and gotten the basics) Cycle 1 is called "Accelerate" It's supposed to make you lose weight quickly. Supposedly new research is finding that losing weight quickly is the best way now. I won't go into all the why's of everything, I'll just give you an overview of the diet.

Cycle 1 is a lot like the South Beach diet only I can eat fruit! YES!! And Fat Free Yogurt! YES!!! However, I have to eat the "low sugar" fruit by 2 pm everyday. That will give my body the rest of the day to burn off the sugar. The yogurt is to give your digestive system probiotics. There's lots of reasons we need those and thank goodness I like yogurt now. I was thinking that if I could only have fruit on the South Beach diet I would have done well on Phase one. Well, this seems to be the answer to that complaint. We'll see how it goes.

I won't be starting the diet until a week from tomorrow. We have to go out of town for a funeral on Tuesday and I am not even going to attempt to do such a strict diet while out of town. I will only be gone for one (very long) day, but then when I get back I need to get the foods and finish the book so I fully understand what I will be doing. If I am able to start it sooner I will, but I'm not going to put pressure on myself to start it sooner.

Another thing that I will have to do is exercise at least 17 mins each day. That is going to be a tough one. Not the 17 minutes, but EVERYDAY.

The baby is crying so I have to go. I will update on my progress once I start the diet. Wish me luck!

In limbo

I'm kind of in limbo right now as far as my diet goes. I'm tracking my food but I'm not really on a "diet." I don't know what my problem is. That no carb diet just really put me off diets in general.

I read a lot of blogs about food and dieting and it's really depressing how just about everyone has their ups and downs. Mainly downs lately. I wonder if it's the weather or what, but nobody is doing great. Maybe it's that everyone is busy right now and just doesn't have the time. I know I keep thinking that "tomorrow" or "Monday" things will fall into place. It's not happening though.

I don't really have much to say, I'm just floundering right now and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's hard to muster up the enthusiasm or motivation to do anything at this point and I'm not sure why.

Well, I blew it. Not totally, and I actually don't feel bad about it at all, but I stopped the no carb diet today. I was supposed to go through Monday, but I stopped today. I stopped because I felt physically ill today. Not in a crabby, whiney way. But I felt nauseous and sick all morning. I couldn't tolerate another egg. I am not a fan of eggs anyway, but eggs are all I've been eating for breakfast for 11 days. I really struggled with this over the past few days. I have been miserable and crabby. I have no idea why week #1 was easier, but it was.

I wanted to quit 3 days ago. I was ready to kill someone. But, I stuck with it and pushed through all those feelings. Today was different though. Today was a physical feeling, not emotional. I knew that this wasn't working for me anymore. I've lost a total of 5 pounds and I can't see me losing another 5 over the next 3 days.

My friend told me that I shouldn't feel sick when trying to get healthy. I should feel good and energized. At least physically. I know dieting isn't easy, but she's right. I should feel better physically, especially after 11 days. I feel good about my decision to stop. I gave it a lot of thought and didn't want to blow my whole weekend feeling bad.

Back to the drawing board. I did learn a few things from doing this. One is that I do an awful lot of mindless munching. When I get my daughter chips, I pop one in my mouth. I grab handfuls of various foods here and there that I don't need. Another thing is I realized that I don't *need* carbs, especially the candy variety. I haven't had anything sweet in 11 days and I missed fruit the most. I ate a banana today and it tasted so good! So I will be limiting my intake of desserts from now on. I've actually gone days without the sugar free variety simply because I forgot to eat them. I haven't proven that I don't need a fourth meal each day called "Dessert."

I'm going to continue eating healthy this weekend and either starting the old WW program or counting calories on Monday. Keeping track of what I eat does work as long as I DO IT. I need to start measuring things, like coffee cream and counting out chips. I would much rather do that then give up all carbs again.

I know I stopped early for the right reasons. I have been giving this a lot of thought and I don't feel like I have in the past when I've given up on various diets. I think that I gave up for the right reasons and I'm not going to go out and binge this weekend. I'm not giving up on losing weight. I'm just giving up on losing weight by not eating any carbs.

I am also happy to report that I worked out today. I have realized that working out must be a part of my whole effort to lose weight. I got about 28 minutes in before the baby started crying. I have to try each day. I might get 20 mins one day and 45 the next. Even if I only get 20 it's something and I can always continue after my husband gets home from work and do another 20 mins. I have to figure out how to do it and again, I'd rather bust my a$$ working out then giving up carbs. Yes, it was THAT hard!

One last thing. I'm getting an iPad 2 today and couldn't be more excited! I've wanted one for a while but my husband wanted to wait until the "second generation" came out. He's on his way to the Apple store now to wait in line to get it. This weekend is going to be fun playing with that and working out each day. I feel good right now, much better than I've felt for the last 2 weeks.

Have a great weekend and please keep the people that were affected by the earthquake and tsunami in Japan in your prayers! As much as I complain about being overweight, I am safe, my family is safe and I am pretty damn thankful for everything that I have!

Day #4 of Phase 1 of South Beach

I really can't believe this. I'm waiting for some kind of withdrawal. I'm having NO withdrawals at all. Either my body has stored up so much sugar it's still burning it (LOL) or I wasn't as addicted to sugar as I though. I was eating a lot of sugar though. Not only candy and sweets, but breads and other "bad" carbs.

This diet is not "hard." It's only more time consuming because I actually have to make my meals. No drive thru's or processed foods. I'm not used to making all my meals and that took some adjustment.

And now for the big news..... I am down 3.5 pounds since Tuesday! Yep, I am SO HAPPY about this. This is the kind of results I wanted from WW. I realize this won't continue on a daily basis. Eventually my weight loss will slow down. But, with the radical changes I've made cutting out carbs, I expected big results and so far I'm getting them. Seeing the numbers go down on the scale makes it easier to follow this diet.

The weekend might be tougher because my husband will be home, but so far he's been eating whatever I give him. He hasn't complained about not eating carbs at home. I have a feeling he's been stocking up on them all day at work, but he doesn't really have any weight to lose. I told him not to tell me if he does lose weight. I will be pissed if he loses 15 lbs just from eating healthier dinners. Men are like that. They just think about losing weight and drop 5 lbs.

Today is a good day and I'm looking forward to seeing the numbers continue to plummet on the scale. I am ONE pound away from my pre pregnancy weight. I should be there by Monday!

Day #1 of Phase #1 of the South Beach diet

Well, it's almost bedtime and I have survived day 1 with no carbs. This diet is a "low carb" and low fat diet, but the first phase is basically no carbs.

It was about 1:00 I realized how much mindless eating I have been doing. Because I was restraining myself today, I didn't just pick little things up and put it in my mouth. I really didn't think I did that. I know I ate when I wasn't hungry, but I didn't realize just how much mindless eating I was doing.

I also hit a snag about lunch time. I let myself get too hungry and was afraid to eat because I wasn't sure what I could eat. The "letting myself get too hungry" was because I hadn't gone to the fruit market yet and didn't have the vegetables to make lunch. Then when I got home the baby needed to be fed so I had to wait. Because of this I felt weak, but I ate my salad with tuna and felt somewhat better. About 20 mins later I still felt hungry so I had a stick of celery with some Laughing Cow cheese and a handful of cashews. After that I felt much better.

I haven't been having a strong desire for carbs. Sure, I'd love a cookie that I have in the kitchen, but I'm not going to do it. I wish I could clean my house out of the sweets, but I do have a 5 year old and a husband that aren't fat. I really thought I'd be a big crab ass by this time of day #1, but I'm not.

Today is March 1. I was supposed to go to the gym and get my membership back. I'm still nervous taking the baby there, but I really shouldn't put it off any longer. She will get used to it. Today I felt too weak to work out. (Yea, another excuse but this one is really true) I think after a few days of getting used to this diet, I will be able to work out.

One thing I can already tell is that once I can go back to eating carbs, I'm going to choose the "good" ones. I have a feeling I will be able to have a piece of fruit to satisfy my craving for sweets instead of a cookie. Right now a strawberry would taste just as good to me as a piece of candy. That's progress!!

Well, my experiment was a total flop. I ended up gaining a pound. A friend told me the plan to eat when you are hungry and stop when full makes sense when you are maintaining, but to lose you need to diet. I guess she's right although I hate to admit it.

I've known for a while that I am addicted to carbs. I crave sweet things. I don't really "binge" but when I overindulge, it's with sweets. And by overindulge, I will eat 3 or 4 pieces of candy instead of one or two. I'm not one to sit down and eat a whole box of anything. I eat when I'm bored and I overeat when I let myself get too hungry.

I'm saying all of this because on Monday (famous last words) I'm going to start the South Beach diet. I've done it before, a few years ago. I re-read the introduction and it sounds like the diet for me. Here is what it says for Phase 1:

"Phase 1 is for people who have a substantial amount of weight to lose or who experience significant cravings for sugar and refined starches. During this phase, you'll jump start your weight loss and stabilize your blood sugar levels to minimize cravings by eating a diet rich in healthy lean protein (fish, chicken and lean cuts of beef), vegetables, nuts, reduced fat cheese, eggs, low fat dairy, and good unsaturated fats, such as extra virgin olive oil. You'll enjoy three satisfying meals a day, plus at least 2 snacks, and you'll even be able to have some desserts. What you won't be eating are starches (bread, pasta, and rice) or sugar (including fruit and fruit juices). While this may be hard at first, remember that in just 2 weeks you'll be adding many of these foods back into your life. Exercise during all phases is important to your overall health and will improve your results."

This sounds like exactly the type of plan I need. I'm a sugar addict and I need to break my addiction. Especially since I have such a high risk of diabetes in the future, if I don't have it already.

Something very strange is happening. Last week I stopped keeping track of my food. It began innocently enough. I had no time and I wasn't doing it on purpose. One day turned into two and two into three. You know how that goes. Then on Thursday I weighed myself and was at my lowest weight yet (since the baby was born.) I was shocked. Just watching what I ate and not stressing about it was working. I was ecstatic and surprised. Since then I have stopped keeping track. I'm not obsessing about everything I'm putting in my mouth. I am making good choices and stopping when I'm full.

Yesterday and today have been a little challenging because I feel hungrier for some reason. I'm snacking a little bit more and feel hungrier. I made ribs over the weekend and know that I had to have gained so I've decided to wait until Thursday to weigh myself again. I'm going to see if this is still working or if that was a fluke. I would really love to report that it's working and I'm going to stop thinking about everything I eat constantly. I'm just getting tired of worrying about it. I can't see living the rest of my life like this. I have to learn to control how much I eat and try to eat healthy most of the time. That's the bottom line.

Another thing I need to report is I exercised yesterday! I tried the Zumba for the Wii and I played some Just Dance 2. I HATE dancing. I hate dancing because I am not good at it. However, in the privacy of my own home and with nobody watching, it's FUN! Especially when I can dance to songs I know. The Zumba was hard. It was work. I don't think it's as fun as everyone says it is, but it beats a "regular" work out. It's something different which is always good I think. It's not something I'll do on a daily basis, but I know I worked hard for those 20 mins I did the intermediate work out. I will continue to do it.

I will report back on Thursday to say if my new "plan" is working. I really hope it does.

I am really doing well on my calorie counting diet. I've lost 7 pounds so far since Jan 1. I wish it were more, but it is what it is.

I just keep thinking about how easy it is to count calories. I don't have to pull out a calculator and figure out if I can eat something. For the most part, most of the things I eat have the calorie count on the package or I can easily figure it out.

I may have found my solution for exercise. My friend was over the other day and she brought her Just Dance 2 game for the Wii. We put it in and played and it was really a good work out and it was FUN. I honestly have never thought working out would be so much fun, but it really was. As far as the baby goes, she sat in her chair and just watched us and thought it was the funniest thing. Today I ordered Just Dance 2 and Zumba for my Wii. Between the 2 of those I should be good to go. I'm really excited to get them and start working. I should also say, I am not a dancer. I don't like to dance in front of people. However, this is just so much fun! All of the "exercise" games I have don't really excite me.

I'm certainly not where I thought I'd be going into February, but I'm doing ok. My goal is to start my gym membership in March. Flu season should be pretty much over by then and the rust of new people starting Jan 1 will have thinned out. I just have to get through this month working out at home.

This week is going to be a challenge. My daughter turns 5 on Wednesday and we will have 2 separate cakes. On her actual birthday I am getting a Cinderella cake. The top part is an actual doll and the dress is the cake. I was really happy to find out that it only feeds 4 so I won't have cake hanging around the whole week. Then next Sunday we are having a party for her at a local bowling alley. For that party I ordered a cake that actually looks like a castle. 2 days of cake will not be good for my diet. I guess I need to cut back on the other days so I won't do as much damage. My goal for this week should be maintenance.

I have been really good with tracking my calories on my phone. I input everything I eat and usually stay around 1700 calories a day. Sparkpeople says I can eat 1900-2000, but I don't ever eat that much.

I just wanted to check in and report that I'm doing well. I don't have anything exciting to report unfortunately. Have a good week!

Bye Bye Weight Watchers

Maybe not forever, but goodbye for now. I'm done with Weight Watchers for the moment. 3 days ago I started counting calories and logging my food intake on Spark People. It's free and it makes sense.

Maybe it's because I do not go to the meetings, but this new program does not make sense to me. I feel like they either got it wrong with the "old" program or have it wrong with the new one. I know they are trying to get people to eat more fruits and vegetables, but it just wasn't working for me. In almost 4 weeks I lost 4 pounds. That is just unacceptable. In the 2 full days I've been counting calories, I've lost a pound. And I know some people may say that 4 pounds is great. At least it's a loss. However, I have 50 to lose. 4 pounds in a month isn't great. Especially at the beginning of a diet. I should have lost at least 6, hopefully 8 which is 2 lbs a week. I'm not looking for Biggest Loser numbers. I'm looking for a slow and steady 2 pounds a week, realizing that I will hit plateaus along the way.

I had this little voice inside of me telling me what I was doing wasn't working and to try something else. However, I was VERY hesitant to stop Weight Watchers. Why? Is change really so horrible? I know people get all excited about the diets that work for them and think they will work for everyone, but they don't. Plain and simple. If there was one diet that worked there wouldn't be thousands of diet books out there. Maybe it was the fact that I paid money to do Weight Watchers online. I don't know, but whatever it was, I finally took the leap and for now my WW books are in a drawer as well as the new Points Plus calculator that didn't work very well to begin with.

I'm optimistic that I will succeed with calorie counting. I have not given up and I will not give up until I reach my goal. Even if I have to try 10 more diets, I will succeed.

It's over. I'm breaking up with you

You had to know this day was coming. I can't be on this emotional roller coaster any longer. It's not you, it's me.

I cannot wake up every day, take one look at you and let you ruin my day. I can't give you that much power any longer. I need to find other ways to validate my hard work. I don't need to see a number to tell me how I'm doing. I know how I'm doing. I keep hoping you're going to tell me a different story, but you can't do that. You are brutally honest with me. I appreciate that, but I can no longer take it on a daily basis.

I'm not giving up. Not me. I'm pressing on and finding new ways to check my progress. I'm going to try a measuring tape, or pay more attention to how my clothes fit. Anything but you. I'm finally realizing that a number shouldn't define my success. I know I'm doing the best I can and I've realized that I don't need you ruining that for me. I'm not letting you ruin one more minute of one more day!

I'll still stop in from time to time to check in with you. I will miss you dear scale, but not really....

I'm three weeks into the new Points Plus program and things are starting to look up. As of this morning I have lost 5 lbs. NOT what I'm used to when starting to diet (again.) I usually lose 5 lbs the first week, but I'll take it I guess.

I realized that I am not including any power foods in my meals. I have made and effort to add veggies and fruits to each meal. For instance, I would only eat a sandwich for lunch. Now I eat a sandwich and apple. Or I'd eat a breakfast sandwich for breakfast, now it's a banana and the sandwich. One big thing I've been doing is making mashed cauliflower instead of mashed potatoes. I don't really think it's a substitute, but it will do. I've found that after I'm done eating I feel the same so why not cut the calories where I can.

I'm also trying to get used to the feeling of not being full. I never allow myself to get hungry if I can avoid it, but I also don't stuff myself anymore. It's really and adjustment. I'm used to being pretty full after meals and I don't feel that anymore. It's unsettling at times. I don't even really know how to put it into words but I'm getting used to it.

One other change I've made is giving it time between eating and going for seconds. My husband was pushing me to "finish eating" the other night so he could eat (we were taking turns with the baby) and I explained to him that I wanted to give my brain time to catch up with my stomach. I did end up eating just a little bit more later, but obviously I needed it.

I have not figured out the exercise thing yet. Sigh. I wish I could just do it, but I have a great excuse with having an infant. Speaking of which, she's crying so I've gotta go.

I am feeling more positive today. I'm back down to where I was last Friday at this time. I was told to give the new program 4 weeks. I'm 2 weeks in so what's another 2 weeks? I still don't know exactly what I did to gain 3 lbs last week. That's the frustrating part. Usually I can pinpoint something I ate and can justify a gain. But not this time.

I am also going to rethink how and when I'm eating my points. I'm one of those people who save the best thing for last. If there's something on my plate that I love, I will eat everything else and save that one thing for last. Sometimes it end up biting me because I'm too full to enjoy that last thing, but it's what I do. I tend to do the same thing with my points. I don't use those "extra" weekly points (49 now with the new program) and I save them all for the last day. Right now I get 34 points a day. 49 + 39 = 88 points. I can conceivably eat 88 points in one day on this plan. How can that be good? It can't.

From now on, I'm going to take part of those weekly points and have a treat mid week. Maybe a glass of wine, or a few cookies. I will deduct them from my weekly points and not save them for the end of the week. This really is going to be a challenge for me. I like to have those banked "just in case." At least that's what I tell myself. Just in case I "need" them. Well, when is that going to be? I am the one in control of my eating. I am the one who decides what I put into my mouth. Unless I know of a party coming up, when will I ever need an emergency 20 points?

One more thing I have come to realize this week is that I am using the baby as an excuse not to work out. There are plenty of women out there that have babies and work out. I have to figure out a way to do it and just do it. I'm not going to wake up one day and the baby will miraculously be on a wonderful schedule and I can work out at the same time each day. It's not going to happen. I will tell myself "The time to work out tomorrow is 2 pm" and that's the time I would work out. However, if the baby is screaming or something comes up and 2:30 rolls around, I will say "Oh well, I missed my time to work out" and I won't do it. How screwed up is that? I have to work on being more flexible. I have to be ready to work out whenever she falls asleep.

Lots of revelations this week, but most of all I think I've realized yet again that I am the one accountable for losing weight. I have to take charge and stop playing the victim. It took me years to get this weight and it's going to take time to get the weight off.

New Points Plus program

Last week I would have written that the new plan is great and I love it. However, this week is a different story.

Last week I started drinking a TON of water each day. Not only for diet reasons but to up my milk production because I'm breast feeding. I have a feeling I was seeing success on the scale because of the increase in my water intake and not the Points Plus system.

I've been following the plan for a week and a half and as of today I have lost ZERO pounds. ZERO! Nada- nothing!!

I will start out by saying I am frustrated and angry today. This will probably be the tone of this blog. I'm sorry, but it's how I feel. I am angry because I have been following the plan to a T. I have been tracking all my food intake. I even had a "cheat" night last Friday, but it wasn't really cheating because I was still within my weekly points. I tend to save my weekly points for one night and then eat something I'm craving like pizza or Mexican food. Sometimes I go over, but I didn't on Friday. I have been drinking more water, but not working out.

I know I can lose weight with diet alone. I've done it before so I don't really think that I haven't lost because I haven't found time to exercise. There are some days I am weak and don't exercise and there are days when the baby is up a lot and I can't work it in my day. I can only do so much. I really just wanted to get the diet down pat, get into a groove with that and then I would really make working out a priority. I haven't been able to find success with this diet yet.

I am not giving up. I am going to pull out my books from the "old" plan and start following that. If that doesn't work, I will find what does work. I will not give up. I can't give up. I do not want diabetes. It is unfortunate that the new plan is not working for me. I might be doing something wrong. I don't know. What I do know is losing weight is hard enough by itself. Why WW felt like they had to make it even more difficult is beyond me. I still feel that they wanted money and revamped the system so everyone would buy the new materials. I hope I'm wrong.

Today is just not a good day. I feel like I've deprived myself for nothing and that makes me mad. I feel like I did my part and WW let me down. Tomorrow might be a different story. Tomorrow I might be down 3 lbs and gushing about how much I love WW. Today I'm just pissed off and ready to try something else.

Happy 2011

I almost wrote Happy 2010. I need to get used to the fact that another year has started. Being at home with an infant, my days tend to blend together. Adding on top of that hubby being home the last 9 days, it's even worse. He goes back to work tomorrow so life will go back to "normal" after that.

I have the day #1 of a diet feeling. You know that feeling. The "I'm kind of hungry but oh yeah I'm on a diet now and not pigging out every second of the day" feeling. I feel like that. Not necessarily hungry, but like I need to eat. It's going to take a few days to get rid of this feeling.

Today is day #1 of tracking everything I put into my mouth. I haven't figured out how and when to exercise yet, but I need to at least eat properly. I'm not using my extra breast feeding points. I'm not producing much milk and do not feel like I need the extra 11 points a day. If I were producing all the milk the baby needs, then I'd think about it, but I'm not. I've pumped. I know I'm not making much so I'm not going to use the points. Having said that, if I'm hungry and I don't have any points left, I'll eat. I don't think food is the issue. I don't think I'm drinking enough liquids. I forget that I need more water each day to make the milk and that's why I'm not making enough.

Today I've had plenty to drink. I'm stayed within my points and I still have about 7 to go. I'm planning on eating a WW strawberry short cake for dessert. If I need a snack later, I've got some apples. I'm still leery of the "new" WW plan. I had a banana for breakfast and it was zero points. If I have the apple later, it will also be zero points. It's so strange to me and I'm really hoping this works. I'll give it a week. If it doesn't work, I'll go back to the old plan which I know works. It just feels like a lot of work to recalculate points for things I knew the points of before. I hope there is some real technology/science that went into revamping the system and Florine Mark doesn't just want to make more money by making everyone buy all new materials.

I don't have a lot to say other that I feel like I'm back on track and in control. Day #1 is always an easy day. I'm motivated and ready to go. I'll check back on day 7 or 8 and update you on my progress. I'm hoping I'll have even more motivation. OH, and the Biggest Loser starts tomorrow. That always motivates me. Last time I was pregnant so I knew I couldn't do much, but not this time. This time I can lose weight right along with the contestants!

I want a good week or two of being healthy and then I'm going to really explore my addiction to sugar. The more I eat, the more I want. I know I need to do something about that, but I'm also smart enough not to start too much at one time. I'm tracking food and figuring out how to get a work out in. That's enough for a week or two. Once I have a handle on this again, I will work on that. One step at a time and before I know it I will be at my goal!! This is the year!