Thursday, December 29, 2011

I know I haven't been posting. The reason is because I'm not doing well. I had a really awful thought today. I read and follow the anti Jarred and he is constantly posting about how he lost over 200 pounds. Sometimes I think he talks about it too much. I just want to tell him "Yes, I know you've lost 200 pounds. Can you write about something else?" Anyway, he wrote something like if he could do it, anyone could.

My awful thought was "no, I can't. Those people who do it must have something I don't." How self defeating is that? To honestly think I can't do it? Where do I go from there? How do I begin to start something when I don't think I can do it? To be honest, I can't. I have to get it in my brain that I can do it before I even try. It's hard enough to diet and exercise, but when you have a voice inside your head telling yourself you can't do it, you won't. It's just not possible.

I need to mentally get back to a good place. I have been very overwhelmed with the kids. I don't know how people do it with more than 2 kids. I have such a hard time keeping it all together with just the two. I know it will get better in time. It has gotten better now that Macy is over 1 year old, but I don't want to wait another year.

I feel like shit right now. Physically, I don't even want to admit this, but I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. My husband commented on it the other day when I carried something downstairs and was out of breath. Really? He had to say something? Doesn't he know how disgusted and embarrassed I am to be in this shape? I don't need him pointing it out to me.

I am still using the baby as an excuse to not go to the gym. She does terrible when she is there, but it's only because I take her for a day, she cries and I don't take her back. Once we both get into a routine it will be fine.

I know that I am a lucky and blessed person. I have 2 healthy kids, I am relatively healthy considering my weight and I have a good marriage. I've heard a lot of bad news about people and their situations lately that are much worse off than I am. I feel guilty whining and crying about things that aren't that big of a deal.

I know this post is scattered but I need to get back to posting. At least if I know I am accountable to this blog, maybe that will help me do something. One of my Christmas presents from my husband (the only thing I really wanted) was a day off. A day where I can go do what I want without the kids. That day was supposed to be tomorrow but the way things are shaping up I might not be able to do it. Anyway, the only thing I want to do is go to the gym. If I can go alone, have a nice long work out without being worried about getting called to the daycare, that might just be enough to get me motivated. That will be my first step. Tomorrow I will work out. I need to take it one day at a time and stop looking at it like one HUGE thing I need to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym. That's it.

Happy New year! Maybe everyone be blessed with good health and all the love they can handle in 2012!!!