Monday, July 25, 2011

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I keep thinking I want to and then don't. But, it's not because I'm doing badly, because I'm not. I'm maintaining, which I don't think is "bad." It's not what I want to be doing, but I'm not gaining so I consider this a good thing.

A really sad thing happened that I want to talk about. I was bathing suit shopping about 2 weeks ago. They were on sale and I needed a new one so I went to JC Penny. I was looking at the swim suits and an older lady was there too. I'd guess she was in her early 70's maybe? Shorter, plump, gray hair. Anyway, she says to me "Gee, these are kind of expensive. I'd hate to spend that much money on a suit when I won't be this size for much longer." I said something like "Yeah, I know what you mean" and she said "My doctor is testing my thyroid. He thinks there might be something wrong with it since I'm not losing weight anymore. So, I'm going to be in a smaller size when he figures out what's going on"

Wow, how many times have I said to myself when I didn't want to buy another size 18, 20 or 22 because I was going to lose weight and would need a smaller size "soon"? I've been saying this for years! Is it possible that I will be in my 70's saying the same thing? That makes me incredibly sad. Is it possible that I will NEVER be happy with my body? Will I be a 70 year old woman telling myself that any day now I'll be in a smaller size?

It made me realize that I need to do something. I need to figure out how to be happy with my body no matter what size I am. I know that there are health reasons why I HAVE to lose weight. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being happy with the way I look no matter what. Is it possible to like my body at any size? Does anyone like their body when they are a size 18?

I don't want to live out the rest of my life thinking that any day now I will lose this weight for good. I want to find a way to be happy with how I look *now* while striving to lose weight so I can be healthy and play with my kids without getting winded. I'm working on this and if I find any of the answers, you'll be the first to know.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

I was doing very well with my 3 goals until the weekend hit. Then it all kind of fell apart. I just don't have a solid plan in place. That's been my issue all along. I need to commit to a plan and do it. I know this, I've just been looking for a quick fix which does not exist.

My reunion is 4 weeks away and really at this point I won't be able to make that much of a difference in my appearance. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I'm mostly sad that I even care about what the people I went to high school with think. The ones that matter to me have kept in touch and know that I'm not skinny. Why do I care about the rest of them?

I was made fun of all through school because I was shy and overweight. A deadly combination. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have stuck up for myself but I was so afraid to even talk that i was an easy target. I've really come to realize that the people who made fun of me just felt insecure themselves. However, I still feel insecure to this day. Why? I have no idea.

I should probably stop resisting and just go back on Weight Watchers. It did work for me when I did it. I need to accept the slow and steady approach and realize that losing 2 pounds a week is a great way to do it. I still have time before my Disney trip to make a difference in my weight. That is my next goal.