Spring has sprung

Well, spring has not sprung where I live because it snowed here last night. I am SICK of the snow but hopefully this will be the last time.

Things have certainly changed since my last update. Tomorrow it will be six weeks since I was fired from my job. I have never been fired before and let me tell you, it's no fun. I just am SO thankful that we do not need my income to pay most of the bills. Yes, we have to tighten our belts now, but it's manageable. It is such a mind F*ck when you are fired. I had self esteem issues well before I got the job, but being fired just feeds into all of my insecurities. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, etc. When it comes down to it, it was just personality conflicts between my boss and I. We had a very hard time communicating because he could not say what he meant. So I would have to figure it out, and most times I was wrong.  I know in the end it was good because I was miserable, but it still hurts even today. I do have a job interview on Tuesday so hopefully this will boost my confidence a bit. I am looking for part time work and that is hard to find, so I have only sent in my resume to two places in the last six weeks. But I know that eventually I will land where I need to land.

I have also been in therapy for over a year now. My therapist has started a group for people with eating issues.  Once a month we meet and she talks about eating and why we eat and what we can do to stop eating etc. My whole view of food has changed. My ideas about "dieting" have changed. There is just too much to say about all I have learned, but right now I am practicing "intuitive eating." I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Gee, what a concept. But, when I stop and think about why I'm eating and what I'm eating, it's pretty eye opening. Most times I ate I wasn't really hungry. And when I was, I ate WAY more then I needed too.

I think I hit a wall about a month or so ago. I was almost at my highest weight and nothing I was doing was working as far as dieting goes. I was just done. Done with counting carbs, calories, eating this but not that. I was just tired and overwhelmed. So when my therapist suggested intuitive eating, I thought "why not?" why not try it because nothing I was doing was working.

So I can up with a plan. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month. Seems totally doable right? But, when you are going through menopause and every pound you lose is like losing three (according to my doctor) then keeping it simple and doable seems like the right thing to do. I started the second week of March. I have lost 5 pounds. I am THRILLED with that. I am thrilled because I'm not "dieting" I am thinking about what I'm eating and why I'm eating and when I'm eating.

If I can continue down this path I will have lost 45 pounds by December 31. The time will pass anyway so if I do it slowly and not to painfully, I can actually succeed this time. I listen to this podcast by Phit n phat. I LOVE her. She cusses and is funny as heck but so realistic. I don't want to lose this weight again. I want to lose it ONE time and be done with this. I have worried about my weight and dieted for 35 years and I sick to death of it. I'm taking the  simple and common sense approach this time. Will it take longer? Yes it will. But, I'd rather take two years to do it right so I never have to do it again.

Happy 2019

Wow, it has been a long time. I wish I could say I've figured it all out and I'm down to 150 and the happiest I've ever been. The truth is, I'm almost at the heaviest I've ever been and I have nothing figured out.

I started therapy last year and damn, it's just hard. It's good, but hard. I have many issues I need to work through and it just takes a long time. Too long. But, I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end and I will feel better about myself and even if I weigh 300 pounds I will be happy.

I've also had struggles with my job. I've tired so hard this past year to do this job and be happy and just take whatever comes, but it's just not working out. I have tried so hard to make it work and I really wanted it to work but it just isn't. So now I'm back to the drawing board in finding a job that suits me and my family.

My problem is I always come last. I put everything and everyone ahead of what I need. Because of this, I have no time or energy for what I need. I think a lot of mothers can agree with this. At the end of the day I have no energy to do anything that that I need or want to do. I still (after 13 years) have not figured it out and it's infuriating that I am still struggling with the things I have always struggled with. I turned 50 last year! WTF is my problem?

But, somewhere deep inside is a spark that has been ignited that I can and will figure it out. I don't know what it is. Maybe the new year, maybe some podcasts I've been listening to. Something has sparked and I believe this may actually be the year I figure it out.

We are surprising my daughter with a trip to Disney world. She will be turning 13 and she deserves a break. Last year she was diagnosed with arthritis. Not fun for a kid. She has taken it all in stride and deserves a trip where she can just have fun and forget about it.

We leave soon and when I get back I am 100% committed to making permanent changes. I can do this. We all can. We just have to decide that we deserve more. We are capable of doing more.