Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Getting back on track

There is something about the first year after someone close to you dies. I'm not sure what it is, but everyone says "Just get through the first year and it will get easier." I kind of believe it because it does seem to get easier. After my friend died I cried everyday. But now, now I don't cry everyday. I cry about once a week. And I can finally smile a little and remember the funny times we had, and there were so many.

Here's the thing that really sucks. I'm not sure I said this in my last post, but my BFF died on my daughters birthday. I will never forget that morning. I got the call that she had passed away and she was still across the street and they were waiting for the coroner to come get her. I had to put a smile on my face, get the kids on the bus and then go say goodbye to her. I don't know how I did it. I remember breaking down and crying. I remember touching her hand and saying goodbye. I remember keeping her 6 year old busy while all the adults were saying goodbye. Then I remember calling cemeteries and trying to figure out where she would be laid to rest.  That was my job. I guess looking back it was good I was kept busy or I would have fallen apart.

Then when the kids got home from school I had to tell them she was gone. But, I had to try to keep it light so we could still celebrate my daughters birthday. Seriously, I look back now and have no clue how I did that.

So, if you are wondering why I am bringing this up it's because the one year anniversary is coming up. October 13. My daughters 7th birthday. I have decided that I will grieve on the 12th. In my mind that will be the day she died. That way I will not shed any tears on my daughters birthday for my friend. I am struggling not eat everything in site and justify it because I am grieving. I have done that for too long. I have used it as an excuse to eat like a pig because it makes me feel better.

The thing is, if my friend were here she would be SO mad at me. I had lost about 40 pounds before she died and she was so proud of me. She encouraged me everyday even though her body was ravaged by the cancer. She cheered me on when she was feeling crappy.  She always took the time to check in on me and tell me I was doing a good job.

Wow, this post has not gone where I thought it would go. I guess I needed to get that out. But, as far as my diet goes, I'm doing really well. Granted, it's only been a few days, but I finally feel like I am back on track. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym today. I have a trip planned in December and I really can't see myself walking all day long at this weight. I won't be able to do it. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep going because I have been struggling for a reason to keep going.

I am feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm really hoping my next post will be full of motivation and happiness.

PS- on a side note- on that day my BFF died I was at her house keeping her daughter busy watching tv and playing with her waiting for the coroner to come. We heard a phone ring and her daughter said "Oh, that's my moms phone" I went to the phone to turn it off and it was dead. Draw your own conclusions but I feel like that was a sign from her saying goodbye.

1 comment:

  1. Well, this made me tear up. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine losing my best friend. And I do worry about it. Even though she's only a couple years older than me, she's at least a 100 pounds overweight. Lately I've noticed she's limping when she walks. Plus she's had two brain tumors removed and went through radiation for the last one. Even though both were non-cancerous.

    I don't know how you're doing it. It's so rare to actually find a best friend in this life, I can only imagine how hard it is to lose one.

    I'm so glad you're getting back on track with your health. You know your friend would want you to get healthy. You have a choice whether to live a full and healthy life, or not. She wasn't given that choice. I bet she's telling you to not give up on life. To fight hard to stay healthy.

    About the phone ringing, yes, I agree. That sounds like she was trying to let you know that even though she was dead, she was still there watching over you.

    Take care..and keep posting. I read it and I bet others do too. You just don't know it. :)

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