I am still really struggling. This Summer has been hard with the kids home, working two jobs and watching an additional kid 2 days a week. All of these are my choices and I have again put myself last to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser and I need to stop.
I posted about my friend passing away last time and I watched her daughter 2 days a week this Summer just to help them out this first Summer without her. I don't regret it, it just made the Summer more difficult. Not because she's a problem, she's not, but because adding another kid in the mix just changes the dynamic and makes it harder.
As far as the two jobs go, I worked them because I felt bad leaving my old job so I stayed giving the boss more time to hire a replacement. He did not. I worked all those extra weeks for nothing. I think he thought I wouldn't really leave, but last Tuesday was my last day and I feel good about it.
I've just been thinking about all the things I do constantly for other people. I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering what it will take to stop putting myself last. I am literally killing myself by not taking care of myself. I am at my heaviest weight and I feel like complete crap. I ache all the time and physically just can't do the things I want to do.
What will be my rock bottom? When will I finally say enough is enough and DO SOMETHING about my weight once again? Will I get a diagnosis from my doctor that scares me into action? Will it be my husband saying something about my weight? (I highly doubt he ever will, he has always been supportive of me and loves me no matter what size I am)
I thought rock bottom was this past school year when my daughter who was in Kindergarten came home and told me her classmate said I was fat. I felt horrible. Not because of my feelings, but because of my daughters feelings. She looked a little embarrassed that this girl said this to her about her mom, who she loves more then anything. I don't think it ever really occurred to my daughter that I am fat. I think she looks at me and sees "mom" not a fat person. That all changed that day and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.
But, it turns out that wasn't my rock bottom. I have an unhealthy obsession with the show "My 600 Pound life" and these people need help with everything. Even going to the bathroom and bathing themselves. Will that be my rock bottom? When I am unable to keep myself clean? Will it get that far? I don't know. I never thought it would get this far. I never thought I would get this big. And no, I am not even saying my weight. I am too embarrassed.
The kids go back to school on Tuesday and I have a plan in place to get back on track. My new job has better hours and I can get to the gym most days without a problem. I need to work on a menu for the week and get everything in place to be able to easily eat healthier foods. I am not giving up. I will never give up. My kids deserve a healthy mom and my husband deserves a healthy wife. No matter what it takes I will give that to them, one day at a time.
Oh my gosh! We're like soul sisters! I'm also a people pleaser, and it's my least favorite quality about myself. I wish I wasn't this way, but as I told my boss last week in my review when this came up, it's probably too late for me to change (I'm 62). But it's not too late for you. You're still young, and figuring this out now is half the problem. At least knowing this about yourself is the first step. :)
ReplyDelete600-pound life, me too! I have an unhealthy obsession with it. My boyfriend hates it and asks me why I watch this garbage. It's because I see myself in these people. I told him many times, that could be me someday! He says that'll never happen, but I think it could. I completely understand how these people got to where they are now.
I remind him about the poor women that was in the news several years ago. She was so heavy that she couldn't get out of her recliner. He husband was supposed to be caring for her, but he let he sit in that chair until bedsores (or chair sores), grew into the fabric of the chair. I just got a new recliner and keep telling him to not let me sit in it until I grow into the fabric! I really do understand this sickness, and it wouldn't take a lot for me to become one of them.
I think you've got a good plan. You know what to do, you've done it before. Now you just have to self motivate and do it.
Oh, and for that little brat that told your sweet daughter her mom was fat, what the heck is wrong with that miserable child? I think that's awful. I recommend you remind your daughter that we're not defined by how we look. Being fat is really no different than having a facial disfigurement or a handicap. It's a good lesson (albeit a hard one) for her to learn that body size does not define a person. She knows you're a wonderful mom, and your size doesn't change that.
Take care of yourself. Keep posting. I'm still reading. :)
My husband and friends thinks I'm crazy but I completely see myself getting to 600 pounds. I have the same thoughts I'm sure these people had when they were my weight. It's scary and I think watching the show reminds me that I need to keep trying to lose weight so I don't get to that point. We are soul sisters!! I'm hoping I will update next weekend and say I had a great week and actually lost weight! Thanks for still reading!
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