My realization

I've changed the name of my blog. I've been watching tv and I've seen quite a few shows lately on drug and alcohol addicts. I was surprised to learn that I can apply just about all their problems to myself and food. I guess I've never really bought into the idea that I am a food addict. I'm not as bad as a drug addict am I? Well, in all reality, yes I am.

I constantly think about food. I enjoy my food more than I should. I use food for things more than fuel for my body. I don't think about the consequences because I want the instant gratification. At times I try to hide my eating.

Hi, my name is Michelle and I'm addicted to food.

I'm really not being flippant about this. It's kind of freaking me out. I've thought about this before, but not to the extent of these past few days. I've always been one to "go on a diet" lose the weight and then go off the diet. If I'm an addict, that means that I will have to manage this the rest of my life. It means the "old me" is gone and can never return. The "old me" is not compatible with the "new me." It means that food will always be in the fore front of my brain because if I relax and slide back into old habits, I will gain the weight back.

I smoked for about 15 years. It was hell to quit. The difference between that and eating is that I need food to survive. At the time I thought I needed the cigarettes, but I didn't. I learned over time to become a new person. I started smoking in high school to be cool. I was one of those painfully shy kids and I thought if I smoked, people would like me more. Well, they didn't and I got a 15 year habit out of it. I realized that I had to change in order to save my life. This is the same thing. I need to change in order to live a long life for myself and my husband and my daughter. If I don't lose weight, I will die sooner. If a drug addict doesn't quit drugs, they will die earlier.

Now, what do I do with all of these revelations? I have no idea. I can file it away in a little part of my brain and forget about it like I've done in the past. Or, I could deal with it and find a way to incorporate these thoughts into successfully losing weight. I'm half way there. I would be thrilled to lose another 40 lbs. and be at my goal weight. Something I haven't been since before I got married in 1999.

I'm still mulling all this over and trying to figure out what to do with it. Overeaters Annonymous? Therapy? Not sure yet, but at least I admit that I have a problem and isn't that half the battle??