Christmas has come and gone and I totally blew it. I've gained 5 lbs since December 1. I have enjoyed every bite though. My biggest concern right now if figuring out WHY I eat so badly. What is my pay off? There's got to be something other than chocolate tasting good. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I've come too for to blow it now. I need to figure out why this is such a struggle and deal with it.

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and it seems like we are all going through the same thing. I just don't get it. I feel great when I'm losing weight. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I feel like shit right now. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and my acid reflux is worse than ever. How can that be a pay off? Whatever I'm getting from eating crap is obviously better to me than feeling good.

I think I need therapy. I've tried to find a therapist that specializes in weight loss and haven't been able to find one. I need to try harder. Food just makes me feel better. It does. When I'm feeling down, chocolate helps me. I feel good when I'm eating it. I just feel bad after I've eaten it. In 2010 I will figure it out. I might not be able to fix it, but I will figure it out. I've got to. I'm going to be 42 years old. It's now or never.