I really want another chocolate cupcake right now. Am I hungry? No. Maybe bored? I'm trying to figure out "why" I want the cupcake. I'm actually pretty full. I just ate a late dinner. I had caesar salad with a grilled chicken breast. I had one cupcake with about one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I'm not kicking myself about having one because I do not deny myself one dessert each night.

Why do I want another cupcake so desperately? I'm really trying to figure this out but I'm coming up blank. I read more of Geneen's book today. It's all making sense to me. I know that food will not cure my problems in life. I know food will not cure my past issues. I know that food won't even really make me feel better in the long run.

If I had another cupcake right now I'd probably feel sick to my stomach because I am so full. I don't want to feel like that. When I feel like that, that's when I start feeling disgusted with myself. But, it's also the feeling I crave. Why? Does it give me comfort knowing that my stomach is overfilled? It shouldn't. But yet it does. I just cannot for the life of me figure out why. Why does feeling so physically sick appeal to me? It has to appeal to me or I wouldn't (time and time again) eat so much I am overstuffed. What is my payoff? (as Dr Phil would say.)

I wish it were easy and I could say "I do this because..." Some days it is easy. Some days I can identify why I want to eat badly. Tonight is not one of those nights.

However......

I have stopped myself. I didn't eat the cupcake. I've been thinking about it for about a half an hour now and didn't just impulsively stuff one into my mouth. I've stopped my behavior, thought about it and now I am modifying it so I don't eat the cupcake. I guess if this is all I can do for the time being, it's enough. I still have more work to do, but stopping my habit, or instinct or desire is a big step in the right direction.