I finally worked out today. As I was on the treadmill I was thinking about great it felt to move my body. I was thinking that I should work out again after dinner. I've been contemplating working out twice a day a few days a week to guarantee I will reach my goal within the next 5 weeks. The only problem I might run into is my age and back. My hubby, daughter and I took a leisurely walk after dinner and my back started to ache. I hate that. I hate that I'm not young anymore and I can't move the way I used to. I'm 40 and I'm going to be 41 in a month. It's harder to lose weight and it's harder to move around like I used to. I keep thinking that once I get back into a routine it will be easier. It will. I just have to keep moving and walking and not take weeks off from exercise anymore. I can't do that. I can push through these next 5 weeks, work really hard and then feel great when I hit my goal. I can and will do that.

I'm back from vacation. I didn't do well. The first half was spent with my friend who is also trying to diet. I manage to work out twice, but I came down with a nasty cold so I didn't get any other work outs in. It was great fun carrying around a box of Puffs with lotion. The second half of the vacation was spent walking around Washington DC (still with the tissues) and site seeing. I had a good time, but didn't eat well,

I got back last Sunday promising I would get back on track first thing Monday morning. Did that happen? Nooooooo. Dammit. WHY is it so hard to get back on the wagon when I've had such great success? I feel so good when I'm working out and eating healthy. I feel proud of myself when I see the number on the scale go down. Who wouldn't want that? Well, me for some reason. I just don't know why I can't get back on track. I keep telling myself tomorrow I'll do it for sure, but then tomorrow never comes. I have about 5 weeks to make my goal. I have to lose roughly 3 pounds a week. That's a big number. Not "biggest loser" big, but big for me. I can do it if I set my mind to it, but how do I do that?

I have a plan. I will sit down tomorrow (which is Sunday) and plan out my menus for the week. I will take meals and snacks if I have something to do on a particular day. I will set myself up for success. Stay tuned to see what happens......

I've been having a difficult time this past 2 weeks. I was on a vacation for almost a week. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone. I was actually proud of that because I usually do much worse when I'm not home. Then less than a week later, we had out of town company for a week. Again, I've gained weight. It's so hard for me to get back on track when I've fallen off the wagon. I just need a solid day or two of doing well and I should be good to go. My only problem is I leave again on Friday to go visit family in PA and VA. I will be gone for 11 days. While I love going on vacation, I don't love how it messes with my diet and exercise routine. I always go with good intentions. I know I will be eating out much more and I won't have total control since I'm staying at people's houses. I was raised to just eat what you are given and not complain. I know I use that as an excuse too. I feel funny asking someone to make me something "special" because I'm trying to lose weight. I will most likely hear "You're on vacation. Take a break from your diet" and I don't want to argue. If I do well on this vacation, I can still hit my goal to be under 200 by the time we leave for Disney.

I am trying to will myself to work out. I realized today that I have an all or nothing mentality. I know I should do my Jilian Michael's "Shred" DVD. I just don't want to. Since I don't want to do that, (and really should) I'm having a hard time going in my basement to work out. 45 minutes on the treadmill will still do me a lot of good. Since in my mind I should be maintaining the muscle I have built, I feel that if i don't do resistance training today, why bother do anything at all?

It's that thinking that has gotten me to this weight. In the past I've thought "I'm going on vacation on Friday and will blow the next week, so why not just blow this week and start over after I get home?" I need to realize that anything I do to move my body today will be a good thing. I don't need the motivation to work out. The motivation will come after a few successful day. I just need to do something, anything today.

Today is kind of a sad day for me. Not that I was a big Michael Jackson fan, because I really wasn't. He was a part of my childhood and it's always sad when a part of that dies. The world feels a little different to me today. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but it's just strange. I could see if I was a true fan and had all his albums, but I'm not and I don't. I guess I just feel sad for a 50 year old man who dies leaving behind 3 kids. Like him or not, it's sad.

Which makes me glad that I'm really trying to be healthy and lose weight. I can do something about weight. Geez, compared to other people's problems, losing weight should be a no brainer right? Farrah Fawcett didn't have a choice in getting cancer. Even Michael Jackson might not have had a choice if he got an overdoes of Demerol from his doctor, (just read that, not sure if it's true or not.) I HAVE the choice. I can choose to go eat cookies or broccoli. I have the choice of whether I want to exercise today.

I know it's not easy. But, shouldn't it be easier than kicking a drug habit or beating cancer?

I quit smoking 9 years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My God, if I can quit smoking, I can do anything. Today I am choosing to be healthy. Today I am choosing to stick to a healthy eating plan. Today I am choosing to exercise.

I'm going to start making an effort to think about just today. Not the last time I was on a diet and failed. Not next week when I have some things scheduled so it might make it hard to stick to my diet and exercise plan. Just "now." Just today.

I try to walk on my treadmill for 45-50 minutes. When I first start, I don't think "Gee, I'm going to be on this thing for almost an hour." I think "hmmm, can I do the whole hour? Maybe not, but I can do 10 mins." Then after the first 10 mins is up, I think "Can I do 10 more?" I break it down into little chunks. I find it easier that way. Just like losing weight. I have about 50 more pounds to lose. Can I lose 50 pounds? I'm not sure about that. Can I lost another 5? Yes, no question about it. So, I'm going to lose the 5 and reevaluate and ask myself if I can lose just another 5. I think the all or nothing mentality can be the recipe for disaster to any exercise and diet plan. I have to stop thinking about the big picture and break things down into manageable chunks.

I realize I was kind of all over the board today, but that is how my mood is. I had my whole day planned and due to the storms last night, my whole day has changed and it's strange for me to have a whole day with nothing to do. I'm not used to that. I usually have my time planned out pretty well. Anyway, I don't think anyone is reading this blog anyway, but it's helping me stay on track. I also have the freedom to write whatever I want which feels really great, actually.

RIP Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett. You will be missed and remembered often!

I am happy to report that after my last blog, I did get my butt on my treadmill and worked out. It was only 45 mins, but that is something. I am even happier to report that this morning I weighed in at 217 pounds. How did that happen? I have a few ideas.

First, I've been pooping on a regular basis these past few days. For a while there I wasn't and I know that has to affect the scale. How can it not? I've come to the realization that I am only going to weigh myself on days when I've gone to the bathroom regularly. Ok, I know this might be TMI, but it's true and I think it affects my weight so I need to say something about it.

Second, I also need to keep track of my sodium. I eat healthy foods but will sometimes put a sauce on them that is higher in sodium. That makes me retain water. I know on a day that I'm going to the bathroom a lot and haven't increased my water intake that the next day I step on the scale it will be a "good day." I still define my days on what I see on the scale and I need to work on that.

Third, I really think I hit a plateau. I have not changed anything in this past week. I went for almost 2 weeks not losing more than a pound and so far this week I've lost 2. The only explanation I have is a plateau. I've listened to Jilian's podcast where she has mentioned there's no such thing as plateaus, but I don't buy that. Every time my daughter would be getting a tooth she'd have a fever and diarrhea. Her pediatrician told me there is no medical fact behind this, but it happened to her every time. I feel that way with my diet. My body sometimes need a resting period to adjust to my new, lower weight. It's what MY body does. I have to accept this and remember it next time I go through this.

I've made it through and I'm still losing. I consider that a success.

I've kind of fallen off the wagon so to speak. I haven't actually gone hog wild, but I'm starting to get frustrated because the scale is not moving. I am doing everything I've been doing since Jan and all of a sudden no more weight loss. It is so frustrating I want to scream!! I can see if I were cheating or not working out. But, I am working out and I'm not cheating. I can't see eating less because some days I am really hungry and I have no more Weight Watcher points so I go to bed hungry. Eating less is just not an option. Maybe I need to work out more? I don't know. All I know is I want to eat and eat and eat because what I was doing is not working anymore.

Maybe I'm just burnt out, but I don't want to stop because I will gain weight back. I hit the 25 pound loss mark on Sunday. (I've gained a pound back sticking to my diet and working out- explain that one to me)

I guess I just need to look at the positives. I have not weighed this weight since before my daughter was born 4 years ago. All my clothes are big and baggy. I feel really great physically. Maybe if I can keep focused on those things than I won't be bothered so much by a number on a little machine that dictates how I feel. I HATE THAT! WHY do I care so much?? I am proud of what I've done so far. I feel really good. WHY am I letting the scale tell me differently? My friend suggested that I don't weigh myself for a week. That I'm probably just in a plateau and it will pass as long as I keep going. I don't know if I can do that. I can try. No, I won't try- I WILL DO IT. One week will not kill me. Maybe the pressure will be off so I can just relax and let my body do what it needs to do. Actually, it's Wednesday so it's not really a week. It's really only 5 days. I can do 5 days. I might have to put the scale away.

Ok, I wasn't going to do this today, but I guess it's time to get my butt off the couch and work out. My daughter had swim class and then we had a play date and I've told myself that I'm too tired to work out. The thing is, if I work out I will have the energy to get some stuff done today. So, I'm off to walk on my treadmill.

I wonder how many blogs go unread. All those thoughts put out there in cyberspace and most likely nobody is reading them. Kind of depressing.

Anyway, I was really shocked about something. All my life I have hated peppers. Every kind of pepper. Especially green peppers. I went scrap booking last week and the host served faijitas with peppers. Being the polite person I am, I ate them and was shocked that I actually didn't hate them. I decided to make faijitas myself a few days later and I added yellow peppers to it, and kind of liked it. Here I thought I would never eat a pepper in my life and I find out they aren't repulsive after all. Who would have thought?

I'm still in my plateau. That's what I'm calling it. I'm doing the same things I've been doing to lose 23 pounds and all of a sudden the weight stopped coming off. I'm not freaking out though. I just keep going. I always picture Dori from "Finding Nemo." She said when life gets her down she "just keeps swimming" and that's what I tell myself when I hit a standstill in my weight loss. I will just keep swimming until I see that 219 on my scale It will happen. Freaking out and bingeing will not make that happen. Keeping at it, working out and eating healthy will get me there, eventually.