Life got in the way

I really wanted to come out here and say I've been doing a stellar job and tracking everything that goes into my mouth and doing fantastic. However, that unfortunately is not the case. "Life" has been getting in the way. I have had an extremely busy week and have not had any time to do the things I should be doing for "me."

Welcome to Motherhood.

My daughter had her last day of school and an end of the year picnic. We had a few play dates scheduled. Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on. I could have gotten up early to work out. I didn't. I could have made healthier choices, I didn't.

I think the only thing saving me from completely hating myself is the fact that I've been having fun. I'm not sitting around worrying about what I'm not doing. I'm trying to stay "in the moment" with what I'm doing these days. I'm trying to enjoy what I'm actually doing and not thinking about what I'm not doing. I know this will be a fleeting feeling, but I'm taking advantage of it while it's here.

I am also not gaining any weight. I will say it again, it feels so freakin' good to not count every damn calorie. To say "To hell with it" and enjoy myself (in moderation) I know that once this baby comes I will feel like I have to watch it all again so that means I've got 20 more weeks to ride this feeling out and try to enjoy life a little bit more.

I have managed a few work outs this week and I plan on continuing to go to the gym. I still have the problem of having to go to the bathroom every half an hour. That really disrupts a good work out! I had the idea the other day that next week I'm going to try to get up a little earlier and get 30 mins of exercise in here at home. Then, later in the day I will take my daughter to the gym and work out another 30 mins. That will total an hour a day which is fine for me.

I have been telling myself that I also need to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD. I don't want to put it off any longer. I need to get more flexible before I have this baby. It makes it much easier to push a baby out when you can basically wrap your feet around your head and push.

So, once again I have loosey goosey plans. Today it is not bothering me that I am not doing better. Tomorrow it might, but for today I am going to visit with an old friend while my daughter has a play date and not worry that I am not going to the gym.

This is going to be a very quick and short post. I just wanted to report that I found out today I'm having a GIRL!! YIPEEEE!!!!! I'll write more later in the week!

This week I am going to stick to my goals. I feel so unbelievably good physically that I cannot let another week of being "so so" go by. My typical week starts like this:

Monday is the best day. I stick to my goals, work out and do great.

Tuesday- I am so proud of myself for being good on Monday that I slip just a little. A candy bar or a missed work out.

Wednesday I tell myself that I blew it on Tuesday so why even bother trying to be good?

Thursday- Well, it's almost the weekend and who diets on the weekend?

The rest of the week is just shit. That is the only way to describe it.

What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for this huge wave of motivation that will tide me over so I can have a full "good" week. When am I going to start requiring more of myself and actually be honest with myself? I keep telling myself that " (fill in the blank) and I'll be good" Maybe on Monday, or a certain date on the calendar or whatever I choose it to be. Why can't I just start NOW?

I've been feeling good for weeks now (meaning the nausea is gone) and I'm still eating crap. I had pizza for lunch. I wasn't even craving it. It was easy and fast. I am just feeling defeated today as far as my dieting goes.

This is my plan: I'm going to sit down right now and figure out what I'm going to eat this week. I'm going to figure out my schedule so I know which days I can work out. I'm going to stick to my plan. If it's all figured out and written down that will take the emotion out of it for me. I will know what days I'm eating which foods and that's that. I really need a "good" week. I really need it to boost my self esteem. Wish me luck.

I took a mini vacation last weekend and blew it. I gained THREE pounds over the weekend! I didn't think it was possible to gain that much weight in such a short time, but dammit! It is! Oh well. I've been doing fairly well since then so I have high hopes that maybe I won't gain much more this month.

I've water walked a few times since last week. I just don't feel like it's a great cardio work out. I enjoy it and can do it for much longer than any cardio machine, but what's the point if I'm not getting my heart rate up? I guess it is better than nothing. I took today off because I have a pain in my left side. I'm pretty sure it's ligaments stretching, but just to be safe I took it easy today.

I read a great quote today and wanted to post it here:

"Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that place in your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself." - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Wow, if I could only do that I probably wouldn't have a weight problem. I have been doing pretty well with not dwelling on all the things I'm not/can't do right now, but I do still dwell on things that happened years ago. Family issues, stupid mistakes I've made etc. I wish I could just move on and get over it, but when I'm laying there in bed not able to sleep all those thoughts creep into my head and I get all worked up.

I think I will need therapy to get over some of these issues. My dad left us when I was 5 and my mom died when I was 13, so my childhood was pretty messed up. I still have some anger issues surrounding all of these events. One day I think I'm over them and the next day I'm angry again. I'm angry that my daughter doesn't have grandparents. I'm angry that I didn't have much of a childhood. I'm angry about lots of things and I wonder if a big reason I eat is because food makes me feel better. I need to figure out how to get over this anger and stop eating to avoid it. I need to get it out of my system once and for all so I can continue with my life.

Boy, I did not think this post was going to go there. LOL. I guess you just never know what's going to come out once you start typing.

OH, one big thing I want to report is my doctor called yesterday and said that the "normal" chances for a woman my age of having a baby with Downs Syndrome is 1 in 45. After the genetic testing i had my chances have gone down to 1 in 8100! I am SO RELIEVED. I was really worried about that. Next Tuesday I find out if I'm having a boy or girl.

This is one of those days where I feel like I could go on and on but I won't. I'll save my thoughts for another day. I wanted to talk about The Biggest Loser, but I'm still trying to put my thoughts together about that.

I am happy to report that the water walking was a success! My friend was 10 mins late so I ended up walking for an hour and 10 mins in the water. I'm not sore today so I wonder how good of a work out it was. I was moving for that period of time so it can't be bad, but it didn't really feel like a work out. My back was not sore at all last night or today so I know it's the work out for me! I just wish my heart rate monitor worked in the water so I could tell how much of a cardio work out I'm really getting.

At one point we both grabbed a kick board and tried it. It was a joke! Both of us were hanging onto our boards, kicking away and not moving at all! I have no idea what we were doing wrong! Every time we tried to actually go anywhere it didn't work. I still haven't figured that one out! It was fun though. I would also like to find some kind of music player that is water proof. I can see how it can get boring walking back and forth for an hour. I had a friend to talk to yesterday, but that won't always be the case.

I am going to try the actual water aerobics class soon. I will most likely wait until my daughter is out of school for the Summer because the class doesn't start until 7 pm. I don't like to keep her out late on school nights so we'll just wait 2 weeks and then I'll try it.

I've also realized that I will need a maternity bathing suit. I had an old suit that is size 22/24 and the top is huge but the bottom where my baby belly goes is tight. I can maybe get away with it for another week or two, but that's about it. I guess it's a good investment if I'm going to continue working out in the water.

I saw my OB today. I gained 6 lbs this month. He wasn't worried because I only gained a pound at my last visit. It worried me a little, but I'm refusing to dwell on it. I had a great vacation and ate a lot. That will not happen on a monthly basis so next month should be better as far as weight gain goes. I find out on the 25th of this month the sex of the baby. I am SO EXCITED! The best part is my 4 year old will get to go with us so she will be part of the experience. Life is good!!!

No more pity party here! I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done being mean to myself because I'm not doing what I think is "enough."

I'm ready to just relax and enjoy this pregnancy. It will be my last one. I'm not going to worry about what "might happen" if I gain too much weight. Hell, I'm not even going to weigh myself anymore. I haven't in about 3 or 4 days and I have no intention of starting today.

I'm NOT saying I'm giving up working out or trying to eat right. I'm not relaxing that much. I'm just going to stop worrying about it. It's not doing me one damn bit of good to sit here, beating myself up telling myself how badly I'm doing and how much I'm letting myself down each day. I'm soooo tired of thinking about food, weight, fat, etc.

I'm trying a new approach. I'm going to eat when I'm hungry and work out when I feel up to it. I walked 35 mins on the treadmill yesterday and had to stop because I had to pee. That was what I was able to do yesterday. Today I am meeting my friend at the gym and we are (finally!) going to walk in the water. I'm hoping to do that for at least 45 mins.

I see my OB tomorrow so I'm going to ask him about the pain I get after working out. If he recommends a chiropractor, I will try it to see what happens. I've heard that if you see a chiropractor during pregnancy, it can help with labor and delivery and make it easier. We'll see.

On a totally unrelated topic, tomorrow I will get a slip to schedule an ultrasound so I can find it out if it's a boy or a girl. I'm sure the "experts" are looking for other things as well, but my main goal is to find out what the sex of the baby is. Then the shopping begins! I'm SO EXCITED to find out! I really hope the baby cooperates and we can tell. I would be so disappointed if they couldn't see because the baby was in the wrong position. I'll keep you posted!

I know this is going to sound like I'm complaining again, but here I go. I've been working out at the gym. I've been doing about 30-45 of cardio on most days, mainly the treadmill. About 2 work outs ago I started getting a sharp pain down my butt and into my left leg. I recognized it as the sciatica pain I had the last time I was pregnant.

Sciatica is a very painful, sharp pain that is caused basically by the weight in the front of your body curving your spine forward. I have noticed my belly sticking out more because the baby is growing. The cure? Well, actually nothing. Maybe seeing a chiropractor could help. Maybe not. I am going to ask my OB about it next week, but here's my question. What kind of cardio can I do that won't affect my sciatic nerve?

The treadmill is what seems to make it flare up. I am fine until I go to the gym and I'm in pain the rest of the day. I have eliminated any incline when I walk to see if that helps as well as play around with the speed. One thing an article I read said to try is water exercises. I was thinking about water walking. Has anyone ever done that? My gym has a pool that about 4 ft deep and I do see people walking back and forth in it. I just wonder if that will be a good form of cardio. I guess the only way to really find out is just to do it.

I'm a litte nervous going to the pool. It's kind of like going to the weight area for the first time. Intimidating and scary. Like people might laugh at me because I am walking while everyone else is swimming. You may be asking yourself "Why doesn't she just swim?" Well, for the simple fact that I am basically blind without my glasses. After running into a wall a few times because I couldn't see it, I gave up on swimming. Another reason I feel funny about going into the pool- I have to wear my glasses.

I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today. I finally get over the nausea and get all hyped up to start working out again and now this. So many people are telling me not to worry, I'm pregnant, take it easy etc. I know I'm pregnant. I feel like I need to control myself. I don't want to be able to run 5 miles or limit my calories severely. I just want to gain a reasonable amount of weight while being pregnant.

It would be so easy to give it all up for the next six months. Just sit on the couch and eat. But, where will that leave me when the baby comes? Probably 50 pounds heavier and miserable. I "gave up" on myself for so many years. That is how I got to 250 lbs. I don't want to give up. I want to find what works for me and do it. But, doing that will requires some failures and finding what doesn't work.

New week, new plan

I checked out sparkpeople.com and found out that I can really use the website to help track my calorie intake each day. It's a really good set up and if I can get into the habit of getting on my computer several times a day to track things, I think I'll be able to follow the plan. They also give you sample menus for the week. Just for kicks I looked at what my grocery list would be for a week and boy was it long! It's much more food than I would normally buy.

I feel I do better when I eat the same things for several meals. For instance, each day I will eat 2 hard boiled egg whites, a banana and some carb for breakfast. As long as I don't do this for too long I tend to do well following a diet.

My goals for this week are to write down (enter into the computer) all my food and drink intake and to work out at least 3 times this week. I have a pretty boring week ahead so I don't think any of this will be a problem. I will also make sure I get all my water in the for the week. I've gotten sloppy and know that I'm not drinking enough.

I really don't want to gain any more weight this month before my next OB appointment. If I can keep on track, that shouldn't be a problem. I gained enough last week when I was in Disney.

I did not get to use that elliptical type machine last week like I planned to. I was kind of mad because they changed all the channels in front of all the cardio machines at the gym. They do not have Oprah on at 4:00 any longer. I really liked watching her show on Monday, Wed and Fridays when I went a little later because my daughter was in school. It really made my work outs go faster and would keep me on the machine for a whole hour. I got into a routine and they had to mess with it! Oh well, I'll survive!