I have been floundering these past few weeks. Last week was really strange. I did nothing as far as diet and/or exercise and I lost 2 pounds. I was kind of mad about that. I can diet and exercise my ass off and not lose weight and I do nothing and lose weight. It's the randomness that makes me mad. You'd think with hard work and exercise it's a no brainer, the weight would come off.

I have no real reason for floundering except for being busy. My daughter's last day of school was yesterday so I was busy with the end of the year stuff. Tonight is graduation and tomorrow is the picnic and then I really have no excuses.

I still like the 17 day diet as far as easiness to follow. I seem to do well on diets that are easy to follow and don't take much thought.

I was thinking this morning that until I learn to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life I will never be where I want to be. I was contemplating eating something not healthy this morning because I'm not following a plan or anything right now. It just dawned on me that I will not have success until I stop thinking this way. I need to learn that ANY healthy eating is good eating, no matter what diet I'm on.

I can't tell you how many times I think "Well, today is shot anyway so why not just have that pizza?" I should be thinking "I haven't made such good choices today so I should eat something healthy for dinner." WHY is this so hard to do? Honestly!??!!? I am not stupid. I know this stuff. I know how to lose weight. I know how to diet. WHY do I make this so difficult in my mind?

I really think that if I can get my thinking right, the weight will just come off. I have the knowledge to lose weight. I just need to follow through with it.

I'm just not feeling it right now. I want to lose the weight. My reunion is fast approaching. For some reason I just don't care right now. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks. But, I also have only gained about 2-3 pounds back. I haven't completely thrown in the towel. I am trying to be good here and there. I could be doing so much better though.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I go in thinking that if I can write about my issues I can fix them. I don't have any great insight to share today. I wish this was easier. I wish I could just want to eat good and be healthy. Sigh..........

When we plan, God laughs

Well, my diet has been non existent since Monday. I was going along great on the 17 day diet (cycle 1) and then the baby got sick.

She's been under the weather for a while now but at the end of last week she got worse. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she said to just wait to see what happens. They don't want to give antibiotics as much anymore. If you give the wrong one, you can mask a condition that might be more serious. Anyway, she got worse and by Monday her fever was 104.

We went to the doctor on Monday morning and she advised us that Macy had to go into the hospital. She had an infection that required IV antibiotics. Talk about being scared out of my mind. I just started crying at the doctors office. She felt so bad for me. As she's trying to explain what was going on I was just crying.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we were in the hospital until yesterday. The antibiotics did their job and she is much better today. We still have some tests to do to find out why she got the infection in the first place, but she is MUCH better today.

So, I did learn one thing through all of this. I was laying in the hospital bed with Macy and looking up at the IV thinking "I don't want to go out this way" I don't want to die and have the last thing I see an IV bag and a hospital room ceiling when I die. Basically, all the crap and bullshit I complain about doesn't mean shit. I'm sorry, it's true.

When you get down to basics, your health is the ONLY thing you should be concerned about. If you don't have that, NOTHING else matter. I'm ready to get HEALTHY. Not skinny, not a number on the scale. Just good health.

I have more to say but the baby is crying. I will finish this thought in my next post!

No more excuses

After my last post about how I didn't want to do the 17 day diet, guess what I started 2 days ago? Yep, the 17 day diet. Ok, let me explain why.

I was watching Ruby over the weekend. I like the show although she is hardly an inspiration to me. She has been failing miserably with her weight loss. If anything, it just shows how hard it is. She has an excellent team surrounding her and she still can't seem to stay on track. I do feel for her because we are similar in a lot of ways and I know how she feels. Anyway, on the last show I watched her therapist talked about how Ruby lies to herself. How she makes herself feel better saying things like "Well, I'm not doing that badly" or "I can do the diet this way, because I know what I'm doing."

There's a name for what she does, but I can't for the life of me remember it. Anyway, I do that all the time. I tell myself that these diets aren't working. I don't tell myself to look at what I'm actually doing to see that the diet is just fine, it's ME who's not following it the way I should be. I can justify anything away.

-I don't work out because of the baby.

-I can have a "cheat day" and it won't hurt my diet efforts.

-I don't have time to do a proper diet.

The list goes on and on. I constantly let myself off the hook. I constantly lie to myself. Instead of holding myself accountable for my actions, I make up little lies in head to make it all ok. My one friend calls them excuses, I call them lies. What is the difference? I'm trying to fool myself and at the time it works. But, then when the numbers on the scale say something different, I get mad and quit.

If my daughter had a health problem that required a certain diet, I'd be damn sure to get it done. I'd make the time to prepare whatever needed to be prepared. I'd make the time for anyone else in my family. Why can't I do that for myself? I need to take better care of their mother so I will be around for them when they need me. My mother wasn't around for me. I know how hard it is growing up without a parent. I need to make myself a priority again.

So, the 17 day diet it is. I wanted to do it again because I feel good physically when I'm on it. I have an awful problem with acid reflux and it doesn't bother me when I'm on this diet. I'm giving it a real shot this time. It can be time consuming preparing the foods and planning the meals, but what diet isn't? I've got to make this work. I've got 3 months until my high school reunion. I've still got time to make a real difference in my weight if I do it now. No more excuses.

Trying to decide what to do

My friend wants to try the 17 day diet starting on Monday. She's going through a really rough patch with her husband (soon to be ex) and wants to lose some weight so she can get some confidence in herself. I told her I would do it with her to support her. However, I don't really think that's the right thing for me to do right now.

I have another friend who has been going to Weight Watchers for months now. She's over 300 lbs and so far has lost 30. She's consistently losing 2-3 pounds a week. IF I would have started WW (the old plan) and stuck with it Jan 1, I'd probably be down over 20 lbs by now.

Instead I've done Phase one of the South Beach diet, the 17 day diet and the new WW points plus diet. Where am I? About 3 pounds down from my weight Jan 1. I'm like the hare in The Turtle and the Hare story. I want a quick fix. Had I taken the turtle's approach, I'd be half way to my goal by now.

I was looking back at my old WW books and was reminded that I lost 40 pounds on the old WW diet. I think I should go back to that and be happy with a pound or two a week. Obviously these quick fixes aren't doing it for me. I do great for a few days but then want whatever it is I can't have and go crazy. Actually the 17 day diet was the easiest of them all, but I couldn't keep up with all the planning.

I also need a plan where I can have frozen meals. There are days when I don't have time to chop up a salad or grill a chicken breast. There are many days when I'm feeding the baby and eating a frozen WW meal at the same time. I need a plan (right now) that will give me that flexibility.

I guess I need to just tell her that the 17 day diet isn't for me right now. I'm tired of trying all these things that aren't working. I need to make a life style change and I think WW will help me do that in the long run.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. The baby got sick after her first week there and still is very congested and stuffed up. I'd forgotten how long it takes babies to get rid of a stuffy/runny nose because they can't blow their noses themselves. I'm hoping to get back soon. I was really getting into a nice little routine there for a week.

My niece is staying with us this week so that's also throwing off my schedule. I would love to get in a couple of work outs this week and I'm going to try my best to do just that. We got a few inches of SNOW here on Monday. I wish Spring would come to stay. I want to walk outside and take the baby in the stroller. She loves it and when I have both kids in the double stroller I get twice the work out because I'm pushing 60 pounds between those 2 kids.

I'm hanging in there. I could be doing better, but I could be doing worse. I think I've made my decision to start WW on Monday. Of course, why should I wait? Why don't I start it tomorrow? I have a big Easter dinner planned, so I can take Sunday off, but I shouldn't blow this week because Monday is the typical day we all start diets. So, my plan right now is to start WW right NOW!!

I am doing much better than I was the other day. I'm not doing anything other than paying attention to what I'm eating. I have lost 2 lbs, but I'm sure that was water because I ate so bad during my "bender." When I eat out I get so much more sodium than when I prepare my own meals.

I did have one realization though that has made me happy. I watch the shows on people who are grossly overweight. Shows like Ruby and the 5 ton man, shows like that. I have always though that I could easily be one of these people. However, I have realized that I will NEVER be one of these people. The reason is because I refuse to give up.

I think that a person who reaches 700 lbs has given up. They feel that there is nothing they can do to lose weight. I know this isn't true for myself. Yeah, it might be difficult. Yeah, I might fail. But, when I do fail I get up and try again. I may whine and complain a little before getting back up, but I ALWAYS get back up and try again.

I refuse to believe that I will be fat for the rest of my life. I will find what works and stick with it. It will happen. I have a shirt that I got from the Kennedy Space Center that says "Failure is not an option" and I'm really starting to believe that. It doesn't mean I won't have bad days that are filled with bitterness and resentment that I can't be a person to eat what I want when I want. As long as I keep getting up, brushing myself off and trying something new, I'm doing OK.

I have come a long way. I need to keep reminding myself that 4 years ago I was about 254 pounds. Today I am 214. That's 40 fricken' pounds! That awesome! Yes, I still have a long way to go, but I've come a long way and I will continue to lose weight. I know it's taken a while to get to this point, but in that time I've had another baby and life has certainly gotten in the way. As the baby gets older and older it will be easier for me to work out and take time for "me" which is just not an option right now.

I haven't given up. Far from it. I'm going to continue to fight this battle with weight and I will win. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon and for the rest of my life!

Today I realized (again) that I am just like an alcoholic. I'm addicted to food. I went on a bender this weekend and gained back everything that I lost. This really makes me feel defeated. Like and alcoholic, it started with just one "bad" food and just went downhill from here. 2 fricken' weeks of hard work down the crapper. I really have nothing positive to say except, back to the drawing board.

Instead of leaving you with depressing thoughts again, I thought I'd leave with a picture of my beautiful girls. When I look at this, I really have nothing to be depressed or sad about:

I just got home from a card making party and everyone is in bed, fast asleep. I think this is the first time in about a year that this has happened. My husband is MUCH more comfortable with baby #2 then he ever was with baby #1. I am so thankful that I can actually go out every once in a while and enjoy myself without worrying what's happening at home.

I have some good news, and some bad news. First the good news: I have worked out 3 times so far this week and plan to go to the gym tomorrow so that makes FOUR work outs in one week! WOO HOO! That's been my goal for months now and I'm so happy I've finally achieved it. I know I have many more work outs in my future, but just to get one solid week under my belt feels really good.

Now for the bad news: I haven't been doing wonderful on my diet these past 2 days. It's not that I've been horrible, it's just that I've been slacking. For instance, last night my turkey meat was still frozen so it was hard to make the burgers I was planning on making. I made sloppy joes instead. I ate mine on a bun, which I'm not supposed to eat these first 17 days. Tonight I went to this party and started to get a little hungry and ate some of the food there. None of which is on my diet. I haven't totally pigged out, but I'm not being that good either. I can think of about 5 or 6 things I've done wrong over these past 3 days and because of that, I've gained a pound.

I know in the grand scheme of things, a pound isn't much. However, I feel like I keep gaining and losing the same pound. I swear, if I were to keep track of all the weight I have lost and regained and re-lost, I'm sure I've lost well over 100 pounds this past year.

But, I also know that this is a long process. I will have good days and I will have bad days. These past couple of days have been bad, but I know the next few days will be good. Tomorrow I will sit down and plan my meals. I will go shopping and have all the foods I need in the house. I will also work out 4 times next week so if I do have something I'm not supposed to have, it won't really matter because I can burn it off.

I seem to do well when I can stay home and not go out. This past week my daughter had Spring Break from school so we were on the go most of the week. That is hard for me because I don't pack the necessary snacks and get hungry while we are out running around. I am going to start cutting up veggies and put them in baggies so I can grab them and go.

My goal for the coming week is to get down to 210. This morning I was 213. That's up a pound from my lowest (since having the baby) of 212. I can do this. IF I stick to the diet 100%, I can do this. The following week is going to be a challenge because my niece from Virginia is going to be staying with us and at the end of the week (Easter weekend) her parents will arrive and spend a few days. That tends to be an eating fest in my house.

Which leads me to another point I will explore later, but I tend to show my love for people with food. I do it with everyone and have always done it. I cook for them. I bake for them. This is how I show them I love them. WHY do I have to use food in this way? So, whenever we have company staying with us from out of town, I stock my house up with junk food. Comfort food. Anything "bad." I need to stop this behavior. I need to figure out why I do this and stop.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will not dwell on all the things I've done wrong. I'm looking forward to a day of good eating and exercise tomorrow. 210 here I come!