I really want another chocolate cupcake right now. Am I hungry? No. Maybe bored? I'm trying to figure out "why" I want the cupcake. I'm actually pretty full. I just ate a late dinner. I had caesar salad with a grilled chicken breast. I had one cupcake with about one scoop of ice cream for dessert. I'm not kicking myself about having one because I do not deny myself one dessert each night.

Why do I want another cupcake so desperately? I'm really trying to figure this out but I'm coming up blank. I read more of Geneen's book today. It's all making sense to me. I know that food will not cure my problems in life. I know food will not cure my past issues. I know that food won't even really make me feel better in the long run.

If I had another cupcake right now I'd probably feel sick to my stomach because I am so full. I don't want to feel like that. When I feel like that, that's when I start feeling disgusted with myself. But, it's also the feeling I crave. Why? Does it give me comfort knowing that my stomach is overfilled? It shouldn't. But yet it does. I just cannot for the life of me figure out why. Why does feeling so physically sick appeal to me? It has to appeal to me or I wouldn't (time and time again) eat so much I am overstuffed. What is my payoff? (as Dr Phil would say.)

I wish it were easy and I could say "I do this because..." Some days it is easy. Some days I can identify why I want to eat badly. Tonight is not one of those nights.

However......

I have stopped myself. I didn't eat the cupcake. I've been thinking about it for about a half an hour now and didn't just impulsively stuff one into my mouth. I've stopped my behavior, thought about it and now I am modifying it so I don't eat the cupcake. I guess if this is all I can do for the time being, it's enough. I still have more work to do, but stopping my habit, or instinct or desire is a big step in the right direction.

This past week has been a really good week. I forget how good I feel when I work out on a semi daily basis. I've gotten in 4 work outs and have lost a pound. It was a pound and a half but I ate out 2 times over the weekend and I've gained back a half a pound. Totally worth it.

I've started reading the book "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I bought it a couple of months ago and it's been sitting on a shelf since then. Geneen was recently on Oprah again and I promised myself I would actually read the book. So far it's pretty good. There have been a few instances while reading it and I've thought "Oh my God, that's me!"

I have been thinking about how I use food as more than just energy for my body. I went to book club last week and there was a new person there. I am extremely nervous around people I don't know and especially hate talking around them. After I got home I started to dwell on all the things I said and thought "I can't believe I said that. I am so stupid" and started feeling bad about myself. What did I do? I reached for chocolate. After about 3 mini Hershey bars I stopped myself and asked "Why am I eating this?" I told myself that I was eating it because I was feeling embarrassed and stupid about some of the things I had said. Then I asked myself if I was really hungry, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if eating chocolate would make me feel less embarrassed and the answer again was no. So, I stopped eating. I just walked away.

I felt so good about this afterwards. I'm really starting to link my mindless eating to other things. Maybe it really isn't about food. Maybe it's about something else and other feelings.

(pg 53) Geneen writes: "Sometimes people will say "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it just be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pat attention to it. When you like something- love something- you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love: that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it."

That page really got to me. So true. I know there are reasons I've over eaten. I know there are things in my past that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I numb myself with food. But, that was then. I am starting to work on getting into the "now." Another quick quote from the book "Staying means recognizing that when you want to bolt, you are living in the past. You are taking yourself to be someone who no longer exists. Staying requires being curious about who you actually are when you don't take yourself to be a collection of memories. When you don't infer your existence from replaying what happened to you, when you don't take yourself to be the girl your mother/father/brother/teacher/lover didn't see or adore. When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you?"

I don't know if I've ever asked myself "Who am I now?" I've always seen myself as a girl with no parents. As a girl who was abandoned by her father. As a girl who would date anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention to prove that she is worthy of love. But, "who" am I now? I'm not that person anymore. Why can't I see that? Why can't I move beyond all those labels I have placed on myself and see myself for who I am now?

This is what I'm working on. If this is the only thing I get from this book, it was worth the $10. At the very least I am starting to ask myself if I am really hungry when I reach for food. If not, I'm trying to figure out what other feeling I am pushing aside so I don't eat whatever it is I want to eat. I guess it really isn't about the food after all.

Can I just say....

I LOVE my pregnancy boobs. Honestly, it's the best part of being pregnant. They are getting fuller because they are getting ready to produce milk which means they aren't saggy and awful anymore. It's refreshing to me to actually like a body part that I've never particularly cared for. I'm so used to disliking most of my body parts so it feels good to actually like something for a change. I wish I could apply that to my expanding belly.

Yesterday was a fantastic day for me! I had a GREAT work out and a very healthy day of eating. When I was working out, for a split second, I felt like I felt before I was pregnant. Like I could do anything. I think I've broken through my cautiousness about working out while pregnant. I worked up a really good sweat and felt great when I was done.

As of yesterday I have managed to maintain my weight this past week. As of this morning, I have actually lost a half a pound. I am eating just as much food (so don't worry that I am starving my baby) I'm just making healthier choices. I have also banned sugar from my diet until after dinner. I might have ONE piece of fruit with lunch (an apple with my sandwich yesterday) but that is better than a handful of chips.

I think at this point my OB has motivated me. I was pretty humiliated when he told me at my last appointment that I had gained 7 pounds in the past month and needed to really watch it. I knew it was bad. I weighed myself before I left. I was still pretty humiliated that someone had to verbally tell me that. Instead of being angry at him, I have turned it into motivation to NOT gain 7 pounds this month. I did not go home and eat a bag of M&M's to make myself feel better. I started planning how I could avoid gaining weight.

Which bring me to another subject. Have you read the blog "Banks Lee and the 3 clicks?" I started reading it after Yahoo did a story on him. Apparently he went to the new Harry Potter park and could not fit into a seat for a new ride. Instead of getting mad, he has gone on a diet and has a goal to ride the ride by the end of the year. I think it's great that instead of getting mad at Universal, he's used this as motivation to lose weight and is trying to inspire others along the way. It's a good lesson to not blame others for our own actions. We put ourselves in the position we are in. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to eat "junk" food. I did that all by myself and now I have to get myself out of this mess. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do it.....

I wonder why the majority of my favorite bloggers are all taking time off from blogging right now. Is it because it's harder to lose weight during the Summer and they don't want to admit they aren't doing well? Is it because they are so busy and active that they don't have time to blog? I miss them. I draw inspiration from them. It's funny how I think I really "know" these people when I have never met them. I wonder what they are doing and how they are doing. Pretty random thought I know, but I've just been wondering what's been going on.

So, my trip was not the great success that I'd hoped it would be. However, I did realize that I have an addiction to sugar. It's gotten worse. I went to my BFF's house in PA and we ate a lot of junk. The "junk" that we ate was mostly desserts. As far as the meals go, they weren't totally bad. I managed to balance my foods pretty well it was the sugar that took me overboard. I've read before that eating sugar (and sugar substitutes) just makes you crave more sugar. I never sat down to think about it much, but this past week has made me take a look at what I've been doing.

In about 3 1/2 weeks I will get tested for gestational diabetes. I would like to pass the test, but there is a small part of me that wants to fail so I am forced to control myself. I listen to this podcast and the guy always says the doctor is the "motivator of last resort" and it's so true. If a doctor tells me that I have to control my sugar intake or give myself shots, I'll bet I will start controlling myself. How sad is that? I am a grown woman. I am capable of controlling myself now. Why don't I?

This week I will. My goal for the week is to only have one dessert at night after dinner if I want it. I've been snacking on sugary stuff all day long for weeks now. It's pretty mindless when I grab a cookie and eat it. I think I also have to (sigh.....) start writing down everything I eat. I have success when I do that and I have no idea why I just can't force myself to do it. I was doing pretty well on WW when I did it. Isn't that enough for me to do it again?

I will give myself credit for not giving up. I am constantly thinking about ways to get back on track and I am still working out. I got home on Tuesday and worked out twice at the gym this week. I think there are some women who might just give up until after they give birth. I refuse to do that. I will keep fighting to stay healthy until this baby is born and then get back to my regular "diet" after that. I refuse to give up. I just have to find what works for me now and do it consistently.

And for anyone who might be reading this that is also a blogger, I miss you. Please come back!