Sometimes I just dread writing because I am SO tired of the roller coaster. I see now why some people just give up trying to lose weight. If I could be happy with my body just the way it is, I would give up. However, I am unable to do that. I want to get healthy, I want to get strong. I want to be here for my daughters when they grow up and have kids of their own. We started having kids late so I'm already racing against the clock to do that. I know it won't happen if I don't get healthy.

I have been working out off and on at home, not the gym. I let the guilt get to me when I dropped my 2 year old off and she would cry day after day. I started wondering why she just wasn't getting used to it and I think I let myself believe that they just aren't taking care of the kids the way they used to. I am seriously considering suspending my membership to save money. Why am I paying for a gym I don't go to? I am worried that if I do that I won't leave the house much this winter. I don't want to go into a depression because I am at home with a 2 year old day after day and not going out at all in the ice and snow.

It just boggles my mind that I can be doing SO well, just so motivated, full of energy and resolve to get this weight off. Then BAM, one day it just all stops and I totally go the opposite direction. I have gained about 3 pounds in this past week. I know if I don't do something about it right now that 3 will turn into 10. Then what?

I don't want to say I don't care, because I do care. I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to actually do anything about it. With the holidays coming and our family hosting 2 separate dinners, I'm just consumed with getting things done, buying stuff and getting the house ready. Working out and even eating well are not even on my list right now, let alone a priority.

I'm also still really sad about the shootings last week. I have a 6 year old daughter. She is the age all those kids were that were shot and killed. I find myself looking at her thanking God that I still have her but then I'm consumed with sadness for those parents who don't have their kids. I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm sure that has something to do with this funk that I'm in.

I have to keep in mind that this is temporary. I go through these low points and then pick myself up, brush myself off and continue to get healthy. I just hope I do that before the 3 turns into 10 or worse. There are days that I'm convinced I am gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. I have probably lost 100's of pounds if I were to count up all the 2 pound, 3 pound, 4 pound losses. Then I regain that and lose it all over again.

All I want for Christmas is the magic pill that will enable me to lose 50 pounds without much effort. Ok Santa? Did you hear that? I've been a good girl. Please and Thank you!