Christmas has come and gone and I totally blew it. I've gained 5 lbs since December 1. I have enjoyed every bite though. My biggest concern right now if figuring out WHY I eat so badly. What is my pay off? There's got to be something other than chocolate tasting good. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I've come too for to blow it now. I need to figure out why this is such a struggle and deal with it.

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and it seems like we are all going through the same thing. I just don't get it. I feel great when I'm losing weight. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I feel like shit right now. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and my acid reflux is worse than ever. How can that be a pay off? Whatever I'm getting from eating crap is obviously better to me than feeling good.

I think I need therapy. I've tried to find a therapist that specializes in weight loss and haven't been able to find one. I need to try harder. Food just makes me feel better. It does. When I'm feeling down, chocolate helps me. I feel good when I'm eating it. I just feel bad after I've eaten it. In 2010 I will figure it out. I might not be able to fix it, but I will figure it out. I've got to. I'm going to be 42 years old. It's now or never.

It's been too long since I've posted anything. Part of me knows nobody is reading this so why bother?

I haven't been doing well on my diet. BUT, I will say that I am not doing that badly in maintaining my weight. I started this month at 213 and yesterday weighed in at 215. I will work on losing those 2 lbs this week. I have just been gorging myself on sweets. They are all over my house and I put them there. I've got nobody to blame but myself. I participated in a cookie exchange today and brought about 2 dozen new cookies into the kitchen. Even if I don't eat them, my daughter and husband will which is not good for them either. I haven't been working out this past week either. I'm really hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow. It will be crowded because the kids are out of school, but I can force myself to go. Otherwise I will hit 220 before I know it and that would really be sad.

Except for a few cookies my eating today was not bad. My husband felt so bad after eating pizza last night that I promised him a healthy meal tonight. I made chicken stir fry. It was really good. Much better than any pizza I could buy. I need to keep that in mind. Healthy food makes me feel so much better after I've eaten it.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. My daughter is so excited that Santa is coming and her excitement is contagious.