Back to the drawing board

Ok, so all these quick and easy diets I've been trying are not working. I've wasted a lot of time trying to find a quick fix and I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing worth writing home about.

I've been skipping around reading The Spark. It is written by the person who created Spark People. Anyway, they suggest in this book to start out your first week with 3 very small goals. Easily attainable goals so you can feel proud of yourself at the end of the week. He writes that the "fast diets" work for a week or two but then you burn out. I agree with that because that has happened to me a few times within this past 6 months.

My 3 goals this week are:

#1- drink 8 glasses of water each day

#2- track all the food I eat

#3- do at least 10 mins of some activity per day

Easy enough, right?

The water is a no brainer. I just have to think about it each day because I usually just forget to drink it. Tracking the food will not be "hard" just something I got out of the habit of doing. I have an iPhone so I really have no excuse not to do it. I know the 3rd one sounds easy and it really is. In my brain I think if I can't do 45 mins of cardio it's not even worth doing anything at all. That's not true. If I start out just doing 10 mins and stop, at least I've done something. Even that 10 minutes will burn some calories.

But, if I start out walking for 10 minutes, chances are I will walk more than 10 minutes. I will keep going. It takes me at least 20 minutes to do a whole loop around my sub.

This plan is doable. How can I not succeed by just doing these 3 things? I'll check back in at the end of the week to let you know how I've done.

Ever notice when a blogger stops blogging it's usually because they are not doing very well? I've noticed that a lot of my favorite blogs have been light on posts lately and they always come back and report that they are struggling. I find this somewhat depressing. EVERYONE I read has had struggles lately. I guess if someone reports that everything is going well all the time I'd be suspicious.

I've been plugging along. Not gaining but not losing. I was thinking about it last week and pretty much figured out what my problem is. As twisted as this sounds, it's what I've come up with. When I was a kid basically everything was out of my control. My dad leaving, my mom dying, living with 3 brothers after that, etc. So now, I need to control everything. I HATE it when someone tells me what to do. (this is where it gets twisted) In having to lose weight, I am telling myself that I must exercise and eat properly. It's what I HAVE TO DO to get healthy. Even though it is ME telling ME what to do, I still want to say "Screw you! I'm going to do what I want" and I eat badly.

By me HAVING to eat healthy and exercise, it is kind of out of my control. I want to do what I want when I want to. I want to eat what I want when I want to. I can't do that and be healthy at the same time. I am sabotaging myself constantly because I want what I want when I want it.

Where does this leave me? I'll tell you. It leaves me weighing over 200 pounds and miserable. I have no idea how to fix it and how to correct my thinking. If I tell myself that I have to GAIN 10 pounds, maybe I'd go the other way!

What I do know is when I see any victory on the scale, I almost immediately sabotage myself. WTF? Why do I do that?

I don't have any answers, but I am actually doing OK this week. I ate pretty well yesterday and worked out. As soon as the baby wakes up I'm going to take the kids on a walk. I'm plugging along wishing I was doing better but it is what it is. I can't seem to find the motivation that I need.

Is anyone out there doing great and actually losing weight right now?????

Yesterday I had to take our 8 month old to the hospital for some tests. I knew it was going to be a rough day. So, I lined up a sitter for Monday for both kids and had the afternoon to myself to do whatever I wanted. I did not allow myself to clean the house or do anything that wasn't for *me.* What a concept, huh?

My mind was going wild. Pedicure? Massage? Movie? Hmmm, what was I going to do. You will probably be amazed to find out what I did. I WENT TO THE GYM! I realized that I've been saying for months now if it wasn't for these damn kids I'd be working out. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I dropped off the kids and headed straight to the gym. I did about 50 mins of cardio and then showered and felt GREAT! OMG, I missed working out. I've never really believed people when they say they miss going to the gym. I NEVER thought I would EVER say that. Guess what? I missed going to the gym and felt so good afterwards.

(After the work out I did get a pedicure where the massage chair practically violated me, but I'll save that story for another post)

Today is a new day and I feel great! I'm going to go in my basement and work out when the baby naps. I would try the gym but we haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor about the baby yet. The tech told me "unofficially" that she didn't see any issues with my daughter's bladder, so I'm confident that we will be going to the gym next week. Until then, I am going to utilize all my exercise equipment and get in a good work out. I would just walk outside but it is incredibly hot today. I think it's going up to 94 and I don't want to walk outside in this heat.

The issues with hubby seem to be a little better too. I've borrowed a book from a friend who is going through a divorce. She said if she would have read this book a year or two ago she probably wouldn't be getting divorced right now so I'm going to read it and work on things with him. We had a good talk last weekend and we are both going to try to be less passive aggressive and just say what we mean instead of little snide comments to each other.

8 weeks until the reunion and my goal at this point is to be under 200 pounds. I can do it! I was 214 yesterday (yep, gained a few). That's under two pounds to lose each week. I can do that. I will do that! I'll post a picture of me in my fabulous new dress or outfit I'm going to buy for that night. No waiting until Monday or some random day in the future, today is the day.

I'm going to post a really good quote I read today, take a moment to think about it:

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all Its blunders and tears, its follies and defects. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake In tomorrow, for it is still unborn. With God's help and only one day to concentrate all my effort and energy on, this day, I can win."
~Og Mandino

This post is probably going to be totally off subject but I just don't give a damn. It all ties in together I guess.

How can 2 people live together and be so out of sync? I just don't get it. I know marriages have their ups and downs but lately mine is down and can't get back up. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately and we can't understand the other person at all. He says I blow things out of porportion and I think he doesn't care enough about anything.

Because of this I've been eating. Tonight was the dreaded pizza. Because I've been on pins and needles with him when he texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted this pizza place we've been wanting to try, I said yes because I thought it would make him happy. I didn't tell him I had already bought 2 steaks and was planning on grilling tonight. I didn't want to cause another fight.

I feel defeated once again. I just can't get out of my slump. Because the baby has some ongoing health issues hubby doesn't want me to take her to the gym because she might gets sick. However, he is unwilling to let me go in the evening after he gets home from work. My other option is to get up at 4:30 AM and go work out before he goes to work.

I really do know that life could be worse. I really try to count my blessing each and every day. There are some days though when I feel empty and know that I need to make a whole bunch of changes. Nobody can do it for me. I need to start somewhere. Just one thing. I'm too scattered when so many things need to be fixed and too overwhelmed. Ok, enough of this. I'm getting tired of hearing me whine......