222

I am happy to report that I did not gain any weight over the holiday weekend. I was hoping to be down a pound or two, but after a family BBQ, that just wasn't possible. I really didn't do that badly, but I kept thinking "this is a holiday, i can indulge." I don't know why a day being "special" means I can eat what I want. However, I will say that I did really good on portions. For dessert I just had one cookie. I could have had more but I stopped myself. I think I'm starting to realize that a taste is good enough. 

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking about the reasons I eat when I eat and what I eat. I've heard people say if you don't know why you eat, you will never lose the weight and keep it off. Hmmm, that kind of scares me. I know there are reasons I comfort myself with food. It makes me feel better while I'm eating it. My childhood was really screwed up. My parents divorced when I was 5. I have 3 older brothers and it was hard on all of us. Especially financially. My dad decided he didn't want to pay child support on a regular basis, so my mom had to pretty much support us all. She worked 7 days a week. To make matters worse, she died when I was 13. She got acute leukemia and 2 weeks later she was gone. My brother became my guardian until I was 17. So, there's a lot of screwed up feelings from my childhood.  I get that I take comfort in food. But, how do I change that? I honestly feel better when I am eating chocolate. I'm happy when I'm eating pizza. I'm not saying that those are the only times I'm happy, but they do make me happy. How do I stop that? I don't want to feel badly when eating those things, but I also don't want to think that eating them can make me feel better.

I did go to therapy a few years back and didn't get much help at all. I never did find out the root of my weight problem. I really don't want to take time for therapy, but I also don't want to lose this weight and gain it all back. Been there, done that.

I have the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will succeed in losing this weight. I KNOW it will happen. What scares me is what happens after that. I know I shouldn't be thinking about that and I just need to concentrate on today and losing weight, but this small little voice keeps saying "Why go through all this trouble if you won't be able to keep it off?" I'm trying to tell that little voice to shut the hell up as best I can.

Yesterday I ramped up my work out. I put the incline on the treadmill up to 6% for 3- 5 minute periods. It was a great work out. Today I can barely move. My lower back is killing me. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour with no incline so I didn't let my pain stop me.

One more thing, DO NOT eat at the Costco food court. I had a hot dog with my daughter. I looked up the Weight Watcher points when I got home. ONE hot dog is 13 points. The turkey wrap is much worse and I don't even want to talk about the caesar salad. I'm going to have a very light dinner to make up for it, but I would not have eaten that hot dog if I would have known it was 13 points. Lesson learned.

Day #1

I've decided to try my luck at blogging. I keep up with many blogs and thought I'd give it a whirl. Mainly because I am so inspired by so many other bloggers who are trying to lose weight. This is such a difficult thing to do and I've been having success with it lately, so I thought maybe I could inspire someone. Yes, me. Or I should say, why not me?

And reason #2 is because we're going into summer and all of the tv shows are reruns. Pathetic, I know but at least truthful.

So, a little bit about me. I'm 40, married and a mother of a 3 year old girl. In the past I haven't made time for myself. After I had my daughter, I gained 30 pounds. Go figure. Most women gain while they are pregnant. Not me. I had gestational diabetes so I controlled my weight very well. After I had her I went into a depression and ate, and ate, and ate....

My daughter is 3 and I have no more excuses for carrying around all this excess weight. In January of 2008, I was at my all time high of 253. This morning I weighed in at 224. Not bad. It has taken me forever, but I think I've finally come to realize that even a small weight loss is progress. One day it could be a one pound loss and one day a half a pound. All those add up after a while.

About 2 weeks ago I decided to start Weight Watchers. I don't go to the meetings, but I follow their points system. I get 29 points a day and when I work out, I usually add about 4 points. Totally doable. I don't have any idea how this happened, but I've also been working out for 4-5 days a week. I don't  hate it. I listen to podcasts and muddle through it. I'm just so happy that I don't hate it. I don't know when that happened, but I'll take it.

We are going to Disneyworld in September and I want to weigh under 200 lbs. I don't want to be huffing and puffing my way through the parks. I don't want to be dripping in sweat each day because I am carrying this extra weight. I'm not going to think about all the other times I have tried to do this. I am only going to concentrate on today. It's now or never for me. At my age, this extra weight is starting to take it's toll. My knees ache and it seems to take me longer to lose weight. I'm not saying I'm old, but I'm certainly not young.  My ultimate goal is to weight about 175. I'll see how I feel at that weight. I haven't weighed that much since before I got married in 1999. I can do this. I will do this. It's now or never.....