Wow.....

I was wondering yesterday if anyone would have commented on my last post. I was thinking that I'll bet I have some words of encouragement and understanding from people. I was also thinking that it's a shame that I can't be as understanding of myself. If I wouldn't have written that last post and would have read it, I would have most definitely said "It's ok. You were stressed. This is a learning process and you will have bad days." Instead, I said to myself "You're a failure. WHY can't you just do what you are supposed to do and not eat junk? What IS your problem???"

Why is it so easy for me to be encouraging and understanding of people I don't know. I am quick to offer words of encouragement to others, but so damn hard on myself. Why is that? Why am I nicer to other people than to myself? I just don't get it.

On another note, I am freaking out. I mean totally, up nights freaking out. Remember the post I wrote a few days ago saying I felt like a failure because I couldn't get pregnant? Well...... I took the test yesterday and there was 2 little lines on that stick! I am in shock and I have so many emotions running through my mind it's not funny.

Normally I wouldn't even say anything this early (2 weeks) but this is most definitely going to affect my weight loss efforts. I am not going to tell my family for a few more months. When I was pregnant the first time, I got gestational diabetes and only gained 20 lbs during my whole pregnancy. It was only after I had my daughter that I also experienced post partum depression and gained THIRY pounds, taking my weight up to 250.

I've lost almost 40 lbs over these past two years and I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant the first time. However, I still have a long way to go!! I am not by any means at a healthy weight to be pregnant. I don't want gestational diabetes. I have come so far!!

Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of happiness in me too. This is what I wanted and I know it's the right thing for my family. The thing is, I had given up hope about 6 months ago. I had resigned myself to only having one child. I just kept trying to get pregnant so that one day I could tell my daughter that I did everything I could to give her a sibling.

Now I am scared to death that I will gain a ton of weight and be back to square one a year from now. Yes, I am freaking out right now!!!!!!