Spring has sprung

Well, spring has not sprung where I live because it snowed here last night. I am SICK of the snow but hopefully this will be the last time.

Things have certainly changed since my last update. Tomorrow it will be six weeks since I was fired from my job. I have never been fired before and let me tell you, it's no fun. I just am SO thankful that we do not need my income to pay most of the bills. Yes, we have to tighten our belts now, but it's manageable. It is such a mind F*ck when you are fired. I had self esteem issues well before I got the job, but being fired just feeds into all of my insecurities. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, etc. When it comes down to it, it was just personality conflicts between my boss and I. We had a very hard time communicating because he could not say what he meant. So I would have to figure it out, and most times I was wrong.  I know in the end it was good because I was miserable, but it still hurts even today. I do have a job interview on Tuesday so hopefully this will boost my confidence a bit. I am looking for part time work and that is hard to find, so I have only sent in my resume to two places in the last six weeks. But I know that eventually I will land where I need to land.

I have also been in therapy for over a year now. My therapist has started a group for people with eating issues.  Once a month we meet and she talks about eating and why we eat and what we can do to stop eating etc. My whole view of food has changed. My ideas about "dieting" have changed. There is just too much to say about all I have learned, but right now I am practicing "intuitive eating." I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Gee, what a concept. But, when I stop and think about why I'm eating and what I'm eating, it's pretty eye opening. Most times I ate I wasn't really hungry. And when I was, I ate WAY more then I needed too.

I think I hit a wall about a month or so ago. I was almost at my highest weight and nothing I was doing was working as far as dieting goes. I was just done. Done with counting carbs, calories, eating this but not that. I was just tired and overwhelmed. So when my therapist suggested intuitive eating, I thought "why not?" why not try it because nothing I was doing was working.

So I can up with a plan. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month. Seems totally doable right? But, when you are going through menopause and every pound you lose is like losing three (according to my doctor) then keeping it simple and doable seems like the right thing to do. I started the second week of March. I have lost 5 pounds. I am THRILLED with that. I am thrilled because I'm not "dieting" I am thinking about what I'm eating and why I'm eating and when I'm eating.

If I can continue down this path I will have lost 45 pounds by December 31. The time will pass anyway so if I do it slowly and not to painfully, I can actually succeed this time. I listen to this podcast by Phit n phat. I LOVE her. She cusses and is funny as heck but so realistic. I don't want to lose this weight again. I want to lose it ONE time and be done with this. I have worried about my weight and dieted for 35 years and I sick to death of it. I'm taking the  simple and common sense approach this time. Will it take longer? Yes it will. But, I'd rather take two years to do it right so I never have to do it again.

Happy 2019

Wow, it has been a long time. I wish I could say I've figured it all out and I'm down to 150 and the happiest I've ever been. The truth is, I'm almost at the heaviest I've ever been and I have nothing figured out.

I started therapy last year and damn, it's just hard. It's good, but hard. I have many issues I need to work through and it just takes a long time. Too long. But, I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end and I will feel better about myself and even if I weigh 300 pounds I will be happy.

I've also had struggles with my job. I've tired so hard this past year to do this job and be happy and just take whatever comes, but it's just not working out. I have tried so hard to make it work and I really wanted it to work but it just isn't. So now I'm back to the drawing board in finding a job that suits me and my family.

My problem is I always come last. I put everything and everyone ahead of what I need. Because of this, I have no time or energy for what I need. I think a lot of mothers can agree with this. At the end of the day I have no energy to do anything that that I need or want to do. I still (after 13 years) have not figured it out and it's infuriating that I am still struggling with the things I have always struggled with. I turned 50 last year! WTF is my problem?

But, somewhere deep inside is a spark that has been ignited that I can and will figure it out. I don't know what it is. Maybe the new year, maybe some podcasts I've been listening to. Something has sparked and I believe this may actually be the year I figure it out.

We are surprising my daughter with a trip to Disney world. She will be turning 13 and she deserves a break. Last year she was diagnosed with arthritis. Not fun for a kid. She has taken it all in stride and deserves a trip where she can just have fun and forget about it.

We leave soon and when I get back I am 100% committed to making permanent changes. I can do this. We all can. We just have to decide that we deserve more. We are capable of doing more.

March Update

I can't wait for Spring to get here! We got snow today and I am starting to hate it. I'm tired of the cold, the snow, the icy roads and putting on a ton of clothes to go outside. I am done. It's funny because as I was driving to work this morning I thought that if I saw this snow in November or December I would think how pretty it is. But now I just loath it.

I am doing well on my diet. I kicked it up a notch these past two weeks and I am following the South Beach diet to a T. I'm only using recipes from the book and I am drinking a ton of water everyday and exercising at least 4 times a week. I have lost 14 pounds since Jan 1, which is more then my goal. I'm very happy about that.

But, today I was feeling a little sad and I've been a little sad for this past week. I think it's because I'm realizing that I can never go back to the way I was. I can never eat whatever I want whenever I want again. I can never drink as much wine as I want to drink. I will have to watch it for the rest of my life if I want to maintain my weight loss.  I can never just relax and do whatever I want as far as eating and drinking goes, and that depresses me a little bit.

I find great joy in the food I eat. Whenever I'm sad, I eat. Whenever I'm happy, I eat. I can't do that anymore and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this yet, because I am far from my gaol weight, but this is affecting me now. I'm not feeling as happy as I used to be. I haven't worked any of this out in my head yet because I just realized this today.

I have had a few people recently ask me if I'm ok. I wasn't looking very happy or acting very happy and they were concerned. I had no idea I was coming across like that. I am an introvert by nature, so I am more reserved and quiet then most people, but I'm coming across as being miserable. I think that all of this is striking me at once and I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't feel as happy because I can't eat what I want to eat. I feel deprived at times. Not hungry, but kind of like a 5 year old that doesn't get what they want when they want it. I know I need to change all of this, but I just don't know how.

I know that this is a long process and I will figure it out, but I just don't want to go through all this work to lose the weight only to gain it back like I have in the past. I'm going to have to figure out an action plan so this time it sticks.  I will figure it out and I am NOT giving up, but just wanted to express all these feelings since they came up today.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2018! Yes, I know I'm a month late, but better late then never!!

I don't think you know this but, I am going to turn 50 this year. This is a big deal to me. I've decided to make this year the best one yet, and so far I am off to a good start.

My frist "resolution" (I hate calling it that but it is the best word to describe it) is to find my joy again. I've been so sad since my friend died. I am not letting this year go by feeling the same way.  I want to be happy again and I know it's a choice I have to make.

I do feel some guilt because trying to be happy and "moving on" is almost like saying I want to forget my friend. I will never forget her, but I have to try to move on and find my happiness. I have two kids and a husband who deserve a happy mom and wife. I'm not quite sure how to feel about the guilt, but I will work through it. I have to. I can't spend another year like I did last year, lost in grief and sadness.

My mantra for this year is going to be 50 by 50. I am going to lose 50 pounds by my 50th birthday. It is in September and if I lose 5.5 pounds a month, I will hit my goal.  5.5 a month sounds very doable doesn't it? Well, I can tell you that it isn't. I barely made my goal for January but I did it. I'm off to a good start for February but I have to work hard this month because it's my daughters birthday next week. Most people celebrate a day for a birthday, but in my family we do it up and stretch out the festivities. But, I can have fun without stuffing my face.

In January I just watched what I ate and worked out when I could. I have realized that I need more structure and I need to actually start following a plan. I think I have decided on the South Beach diet. For those of you that don't know what South Beach is, it's a low carb and low fat diet. I have done it before and know it works- if I do it. It won't be fun. I won't be able to eat what I want when I want, but my goal is more important then having a party in my mouth at each meal.

I refuse to go into my 50's the same way I went into my 40's.  I vowed to get healthy and never did. I'm tired of wasting so much time hating my body. I know, I should just accept my body for how it is now, but I'm unhealthy and miserable. I am in pain and achy all the time. My feet hurt and I have aches and pains everyday. I know if I got healthy, I will feel better and I am taking this year and doing what I need to do for ME. If that means saying no to things so I can work out, I will do it. If it means saying no to eating out because I have a hard time staying on track when I go out eat, I will say no. Somethings gotta give and I can't keep doing what I've been doing and expect different results.

#50x50 baby!!!

Well hello motivation... I've missed you

I hesitate posting this, but I am having a great f'ing week! I feel motivated and I feel good and it has been a long time since I have felt both those things at the same time.

I think it started when I went to see my OB last week. I was telling her about my symptoms of peri menopause and how I am feeling "off." After a long conversation she gave me an RX for some anti depressants to take between ovulation and my period. It seems my symptoms are worse during this time so she thinks it might help. But, she also stressed twice that losing weight and exercising would help the symptoms just as much as the pills. So, my wheels started spinning and I started to get a small spark of motivation.

Then I think it was Friday of last week I ran across a post on Facebook from a woman who has lost 100 pounds. I don't know her name but her Facebook page is phit to phat or something like that. I downloaded one of her podcasts and OMG! My mind was blown. She said everything I had been thinking. But, she put a no BS spin on it. For instance, she said not every meal has to taste good. Sometime you have to eat what you need to eat to hit your goal, and it might not taste good! Who would have thought that? I like to have a party in my mouth for every meal!

She also said you need to plan out your meals for the next 24 hours and STICK TO IT. Do not eat anything that isn't on your plan and written down. I started this past Monday. On Sunday I sat down and wrote out all my meals and snacks for the week. If it wasn't on the paper, I didn't eat it. And, since it was all nutritional meals and snacks I wasn't hungry all day long. I haven't really worked out a certain "diet" yet because my first step is to just write it all down and stick to it. I think I will do that next week and then figure out an eating plan.

Next week will be a tough week for me. My daughter turns 7 and the one year anniversary of my BFF's death is the same day. I have to get through the family meal for my daughter and then her big party for her friends and extended family. It will be hard resisting all the good food that will be around, but I can do it. I have control this time. It's not like I'm going to a party somewhere else. I can plan healthy food for myself because the party is here, at my house.

I just feel like my last few posts have been negative and I FINALLY feel good and wanted to share it. I will follow up after my daughters party and hopefully report that I stuck with my plan and I felt great. I have also decided not to drive myself crazy weighing in everyday so by that time I will have weighed in and will be able to report how much I've lost! Life is good!

Getting back on track

There is something about the first year after someone close to you dies. I'm not sure what it is, but everyone says "Just get through the first year and it will get easier." I kind of believe it because it does seem to get easier. After my friend died I cried everyday. But now, now I don't cry everyday. I cry about once a week. And I can finally smile a little and remember the funny times we had, and there were so many.

Here's the thing that really sucks. I'm not sure I said this in my last post, but my BFF died on my daughters birthday. I will never forget that morning. I got the call that she had passed away and she was still across the street and they were waiting for the coroner to come get her. I had to put a smile on my face, get the kids on the bus and then go say goodbye to her. I don't know how I did it. I remember breaking down and crying. I remember touching her hand and saying goodbye. I remember keeping her 6 year old busy while all the adults were saying goodbye. Then I remember calling cemeteries and trying to figure out where she would be laid to rest.  That was my job. I guess looking back it was good I was kept busy or I would have fallen apart.

Then when the kids got home from school I had to tell them she was gone. But, I had to try to keep it light so we could still celebrate my daughters birthday. Seriously, I look back now and have no clue how I did that.

So, if you are wondering why I am bringing this up it's because the one year anniversary is coming up. October 13. My daughters 7th birthday. I have decided that I will grieve on the 12th. In my mind that will be the day she died. That way I will not shed any tears on my daughters birthday for my friend. I am struggling not eat everything in site and justify it because I am grieving. I have done that for too long. I have used it as an excuse to eat like a pig because it makes me feel better.

The thing is, if my friend were here she would be SO mad at me. I had lost about 40 pounds before she died and she was so proud of me. She encouraged me everyday even though her body was ravaged by the cancer. She cheered me on when she was feeling crappy.  She always took the time to check in on me and tell me I was doing a good job.

Wow, this post has not gone where I thought it would go. I guess I needed to get that out. But, as far as my diet goes, I'm doing really well. Granted, it's only been a few days, but I finally feel like I am back on track. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym today. I have a trip planned in December and I really can't see myself walking all day long at this weight. I won't be able to do it. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep going because I have been struggling for a reason to keep going.

I am feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm really hoping my next post will be full of motivation and happiness.

PS- on a side note- on that day my BFF died I was at her house keeping her daughter busy watching tv and playing with her waiting for the coroner to come. We heard a phone ring and her daughter said "Oh, that's my moms phone" I went to the phone to turn it off and it was dead. Draw your own conclusions but I feel like that was a sign from her saying goodbye.

What will be my rock bottom

I am still really struggling. This Summer has been hard with the kids home, working two jobs and watching an additional kid 2 days a week. All of these are my choices and I have again put myself last to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser and I need to stop.

I posted about my friend passing away last time and I watched her daughter 2 days a week this Summer just to help them out this first Summer without her. I don't regret it, it just made the Summer more difficult. Not because she's a problem, she's not, but because adding another kid in the mix just changes the dynamic and makes it harder.

As far as the two jobs go, I worked them because I felt bad leaving my old job so I stayed giving the boss more time to hire a replacement. He did not. I worked all those extra weeks for nothing. I think he thought I wouldn't really leave, but last Tuesday was my last day and I feel good about it.

I've just been thinking about all the things I do constantly for other people.  I'm not complaining,  I'm just wondering what it will take to stop putting myself last. I am literally killing myself by not taking care of myself.  I am at my heaviest weight and I feel like complete crap.  I ache all the time and physically just can't do the things I want to do.

What will be my rock bottom?  When will I finally say enough is enough and DO SOMETHING about my weight once again?  Will I get a diagnosis from my doctor that scares me into action? Will it be my husband saying something about my weight? (I highly doubt he ever will, he has always been supportive of me and loves me no matter what size I am)

I thought rock bottom was this past school year when my daughter who was in Kindergarten came home and told me her classmate said I was fat.  I felt horrible.  Not because of my feelings, but because of my daughters feelings. She looked a little embarrassed that this girl said this to her about her mom, who she loves more then anything.  I don't think it ever really occurred to my daughter that I am fat. I think she looks at me and sees "mom" not a fat person.  That all changed that day and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

But, it turns out that wasn't my rock bottom.  I have an unhealthy obsession with the show "My 600 Pound life" and these people need help with everything. Even going to the bathroom and bathing themselves. Will that be my rock bottom? When I am unable to keep myself clean? Will it get that far?  I don't know. I never thought it would get this far.  I never thought I would get this big.  And no, I am not even saying my weight. I am too embarrassed.

The kids go back to school on Tuesday and I have a plan in place to get back on track. My new job has better hours and I can get to the gym most days without a problem. I need to work on a menu for the week and get everything in place to be able to easily eat healthier foods. I am not giving up. I will never give up.  My kids deserve a healthy mom and my husband deserves a healthy wife. No matter what it takes I will give that to them, one day at a time.

It's been a long time

I know I haven't posted in a long ass time. My life has taken a dramatic turn in the last six months and I've been lost.

Six months ago (on my daughters 6th birthday) my best friend passed away. She had cancer and was slowly declining over the past 2 years. I never posted about it because you just never know who reads your blogs and I didn't ever want her to know I was posting about her.

My world has fallen apart. About a year before she passed, she was encouraging me to lose weight. I was on a great path and lost over 30 pounds. Then, she passed away and I feel like I will never get out of this abyss I have fallen into.

I don't really post about this, but I am a classic introvert. I have very few friends but the ones I do I am fiercely loyal to. For the past 2 1/2 years I have taken care of my friend, been there for her and her daughter and it pretty much consumed me. She was the type of person who I could tell anything to. We talked daily and about everything and loved each other dearly. I pretty much put everything on hold for her. It was a roller coaster ride. One day she'd be doing ok, and the next not so great.

At the end, I knew it was coming. I was actually in Disney world and I knew I would come home to help plan a funeral. It was absolutely awful.

Anyway, now I just don't know how to start again. I pretty much pushed everyone away these last couple of years so I could help my friend. Now, there is nobody left and I am trying to meet new people and start having a life again. But, being an introvert is really making all of this hard. I wish I could be one of those outgoing people who can talk to anyone, but I'm just not like that. I'd rather be alone. I just know that too much alone time isn't good for your soul.

My friend actually lived across the street so I am helping raise her child and my husband and her husband are pretty good friends so we see them almost daily. I don't know if that helps or hurts because every time I walk into her house I am reminded that she is no longer there.

I have been thinking lately that I am starting to use her death as an excuse to hide away and not care about my body or weight. I am severely overweight at this point. I'm too embarrassed to even post how fat I've gotten. I keep telling myself that I have 2 daughters who need me and if my friend knew how far I have let myself go, she would be PISSED. She was SO happy when I was losing weight. She was my cheerleader. Damn, I miss that SO much.

I am hoping the next time I post I will have great news and tell anyone who is still reading this (probably nobody) that I am doing great, I'm back on track and feeling healthy. I know I will get there. I just hope I'm not 300 pounds before I finally wake up and get my ass back on track.

Pluggin' along

I seriously cannot believe it has been over six months since I have written anything. I think about it a lot, but then never get around to it.

Over the past year I have lost 35 pounds and for the most part kept it off. I still have another 50 to go, but I keep telling myself that I have lost weight and kept it off.  It's not coming off nearly as fast as I thought it would, but I have to realize that I haven't gained any weight in a year. That's something to celebrate.

To say there are times when I am seriously struggling would be an understatement. However, I am very happy that I haven't given up. I also know that my thinking has finally changed. I don't eat and eat and eat without thinking about what I am doing. If I have a bad day, I get right back on track the next day.

I also did something that I said I wouldn't do. Four weeks ago I joined Weight Watchers. I just couldn't seem to lose anymore weight and I was stuck for months. There is nothing more frustrating then thinking you are doing everything right and not seeing a smaller number on the scale. There were many days when I just wanted to give up and I'd think "I just want to stay fat. It's so much easier." I never gave into that for more then a few hours, but the thought is there.

Before joining WW I gained about 5 pounds of the 35 I lost. In the first 2 weeks of WW I lost that 5 pounds and then some.  However, since then I have been on 2 weekend trips that have really screwed me up. I can't seem to control my eating when I'm not in the safe bubble of my own home.

My plan is to get back on track and track everything that I put into my mouth. I will start that tomorrow and keep doing it. I find that I am successful when I actually look up and track the points of everything.  I love the ap where I can scan my foods and they automatically track them for me.

I just want to lose this weight and figure out how to maintain the loss. I think about all the years I said "This will be the year I lose the weight for good." I'm sick and tired of doing that. I finally think that mentally I am in that place where I can actually do it. I've been going to the gym at least 3-4 times a week. Now I just need to get my eating under control the majority of the time. I SO want to be in onderland. I haven't been there in years and it's my first big goal.

If anyone is still reading this, I will start writing more often. It  helps me to write out what's going on. With 2 kids it's hard to do it, but I have to make it a priority.

Still making progress

It's been a few weeks since I've written. I am happy to report that I have lost 31 pounds since I started. But boy this has been a hard journey. It's coming off much slower then it ever has and it just seems like every day is a struggle.

I saw my doctor last week for a physical and I found out that I am pre diabetic. If I was not on my weight loss journey already I would have been really bummed. But, since I've lost 31 pounds already I know I am well on my way to not being a diabetic. She told me the numbers were high last year (I don't know the technical terms for "the numbers").  I guess if you have high numbers you will be diabetic in 3-5 years.  I am very thankful that i have time to correct this, but at the same time I think I've worked so hard to lose this weight that I should be healthy NOW!

I don't want to sound like Debbie Downer but I also made a goal for myself that I would be able to wear my wedding ring by Feb 9. I don't think I will hit that goal and I am so sad about that. I know I am doing well, and I will continue to do so, but I have set goals for myself that I won't hit and that makes me angry at myself.

I think what makes me sad is that fact that I'm getting older and what I used to be able to do to lose weight doesn't work as well now.  I don't feel 47. I feel like I should be in my 30's. I'm trying to be thankful for everything I've done, but at the same time I'm mad that I can do the same things I used to be able to do and not get the same results.

My new goal is to be the in 220's next week. I have been working out A LOT more so I'm pretty confident I will hit it. Not, I'm not confident I am SURE I WILL hit my goal. Period.

Making progress

I know I haven't written for a while because I didn't want to jinx my progress. I've been watching what I eat since the beginning of August. So far I have lost 24 pounds. It has been MUCH slower then I anticipated. Going into this, I thought I could do the same things I did when I was younger and make progress but that's just not the case anymore. I have to work harder at the age of 47 then I did when I was in my 30's. In my mind I'd think I could easily drop 2 pounds a week if I just put my mind to it and that didn't happen. As a matter of fact, I only lost 2 pounds last month. But, even if I lost 2 pounds a month, in a years time,  I'd be down 24 pounds.

I guess I'm starting to buy into all those sayings that I've heard about losing weight:

- Time will go on anyway so you might as well try to lose weight while the time is passing
- The only way to lose weight is to work out and watch what you eat
- There is no easy and fast way to lose weight if you want to do it in a healthy way

I would say the #1 thing that has helped me lose weight (this time around) is having the accountability. I have a friend who has recently lost weight. We aren't BFF's or anything, but I've known her for a few years and she offered to help me with my diet. For months we kind of texted back and forth about it and I gave losing weight a half hearted attempt.

In July she started texting me daily. She'd check in every single day and keep me accountable. She called me on my BS and I would start thinking about her when deciding about what I should eat. I think it's important to point out once again that we aren't BFF's. I think the people closest to you will enable you and cut you some slack. Because we weren't that close, she wouldn't do that. She would call me out when I made excuses and keep me accountable. I know that I'm doing the work, but if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have lost this much weight. As a bonus, we have become closer friends. I'd like to think that I am helping her with accountability too.

I have to get it into my head that this will be a battle I will be fighting the rest of my life. Once I'm at my goal weight, the second phase of maintenance begins which I have heard is almost harder then losing the weight. I'm not even thinking about that right now.

I think another reason I'm sticking to it this time is because I was seriously considering weight loss surgery over the Summer. I knew in my heart I could lose the weight myself  if it I just gave it a real effort, but it is so tempting to just have the surgery. I am NOT saying that surgery is the easy way out. I'm sure it is a very difficult process but I have some friends on Facebook that have both had the surgery and it looks like the weight is just falling off of them and i was jealous.  I have 2 little kids. I didn't want to risk something happening to me and leaving them without a mother. I told myself that i'd give it one more real effort and if it didn't work I'd look into the surgery. So far it is working on my own and at this point I don't think I weigh enough to even qualify for the surgery which is good news.

What is the most amazing thing to me is that I managed to lose 2 pounds in November. Typically in November I will gain 5 pounds because of Thanksgiving. So, even though it's "only" 2 pounds, it's better then gaining 5. I'm hoping to lose weight in December which is just unheard of for me. I can do it though! I feel really good going into the holidays and keep telling myself that whatever junk I'm about to eat just isn't worth it.

I will post after Christmas to update my progress. Merry Christmas and Happy New year!!

Once again it's been a while since I've written on this blog. However, the reason is much different this time. I am doing really well right now. I've gotten myself on a healthy eating plan and I am making slow and steady progress.

I really hesitate to say this this time I've got it all figured out, but this time I feel like I really do. I am starting week #4 (this week) and I feel just as good as I did in week #1. I think the big difference this time is I have a friend who is keeping me accountable. She's been texting me just about everyday asking me how I'm doing. There have been times when I want to get a double cheeseburger but I know I can't because I don't want to let her down.

I keep telling myself that with each good decision I'm making I'm building a healthy lifestyle instead of just following another diet. I'm not getting discouraged when I don't see a number I like on the scale, because I know it's going to be a long time before I'm at a weight I would consider to be healthy.

My friend is also making me small goals to achieve. In the past I've started a diet and come up with really unrealistic goals. She has given me a goal to lose 10 pounds before Labor Day. I was up to 7 pounds lost before I went away this past weekend and gained back a pound and a half.  Even with gaining a little bit back, I will still be on track to lose the 10 pounds by Labor Day.

I just feel different this time. I don't even know how to really explain it, so I won't even try. But I'm optimistic that I will stay on track and get some long term results.

Conversations in my head

This is an actual conversation I had with myself this morning:

Me- You really need to stop this yo yo dieting and start losing weight for good

myself- yes, but it's so hard. We keep doing this over and over and it's all we know

Me- I'm so tired of this though. I want to lose weight for good and stop hating myself

myself- Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can

Me- I'm going to start a diet again. Tomorrow. I will start it tomorrow

myself- That's crazy talk. Everyone knows you can't start a diet on a Wednesday. It has to be a Monday

Me- I can start it tomorrow. I can start it any day I want to it's my body

myself- Ok, fine. Start your diet tomorrow, but what are you going to do  this weekend? It's Mothers day. You know you are going to go out to dinner and pig out. You only get one Mother's day a year. Do you really want to spend it dieting?

Me- True. That would suck. But I'm just so disgusted with myself. I have to do SOMETHING.

myself- And next weekend you have the women's retreat. You will have no control over what you eat there. There is really no point in trying to lose weight before the end of the month. This time of year is always busy with the kids wrapping up school and all the activities they have.

Me- That is unacceptable. If I don't start now I will never lose this weight for good. You don't understand how miserable I am on a daily basis. My body is sluggish and I feel like crap. I get a good start and lose a few pounds and then something comes up and I gain it back. And I do that over and over and over. Will it ever stop?

myself- I don't know.

January is almost over and I've done pretty well. This past week hasn't been go great, but week #3 of any "diet" is usually not great for me. Some people hate the word "diet." I am not one of them. I am being real and I am on a diet. We are all on diets and I don't necessarily think that a "diet" is a bad thing. For me it's a reminder that I am paying attention to what I eat and I'm not shoving food into my mouth without thinking about it.

I have been tracking my food for the last 3 weeks. I use the ap Lose It and I really love it. There are times when tracking isn't easy so I have to guess the calories, but I would estimate that I can track 80% of what I eat easily. For me, just knowing the calories content in some foods make it easier to not eat whatever it is. For example, I was eating sushi thinking it's a healthy, low calorie food. Ummm, I was wrong. From what I could find, one pieces (not roll- one piece) is between 75-100 calories EACH. Last week I ate 9 pieces for lunch. After lunch I looked up the calories and OMG. Needless to say I won't be eating that much sushi anytime soon. But that's what I mean about knowing the calorie count of foods.

I have also been working out at least 4 times a week for the last 3 weeks. I don't know why it's so hard for me to stay consistent with working out because I feel SO good after I do it. I have a heart rate monitor and watch so I know how many calories I burn with each work out.

I know that some people find it hard to track all their food and count calories, but for me it's the only way I can be honest with myself and know what I'm putting in my body. If I know a piece of candy is 50 calories and I eat 5 pieces, that's 250 calories I am ingesting. When I'm not tracking, I will easily fool myself and think "Oh, it's only a few pieces of candy, it can't be that bad." Even with the tracking I don't track everything so I am probably eating a few hundred calories over what I'm tracking.

I do notice my motivation is starting to fade. The first 2 weeks I was all gung ho and spot on with my food and exercise. Last week, not so much, and now I am sitting here trying to talk myself into working out. I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I wish the foods I eat weren't tied to my emotions. There are people in this world that use food to fuel their bodies and that's it. Wow. I would LOVE to be one of those people. I eat when I'm happy, sad, lonely and every emotion in between and I'm finding it hard to stop doing that. So far, I have resisted wanting to eat when my emotions come up, but if my motivation is fading I'm afraid my resolve to be good will start to fade also.

I really am trying to take it one day at a time and not look too far forward and not look back at all. I don't want to remember that my week last week wasn't great because I don't want those emotions tied to this week. I want to start fresh this week and kick some ass. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kick ass and have a great week.  I hope you do too!

Happy New Year!

Here we are at the beginning of another year full of possibilities. Once again most of my goals or resolutions revolve around my weight. It's starting to feel a little "been there done that" but I guess the alternative is giving up and that just isn't going to happen.

Today is Jan 5 and today is the day I am starting once again to get healthy. It wasn't realistic for me to start on Jan 1. We had company in from out of town. Yesterday was my husbands birthday so I figured it would work out better to start today.

The thing is I have pretty much zero motivation to do this. I don't know why. I'm thinking it's because I've done it so many times before and haven't succeeded. It really is frustrating. The older I'm getting the harder carrying all this extra weight is on my body. My right knee is getting worse and worse. There are days when I'm walking around feeling like an 80 year old lady.

I think another reason I'm not feeling very motivated is because a few people I know who have lost HUGE amounts of weight have gained it all back and then some. Maybe in my mind I'm thinking even if I do pull this off, if they can't keep off the weight what makes me think I can? Most of the bloggers I read are having the same issue too. What is going on? Maybe I just need to look for more motivating things to get me going.

But, even after saying all of that, I did work out today and I am tracking my food. I hope that little steps will help me succeed and I think if I succeed, the motivation will come. I'm not going full force and feeling like I'm kicking ass and taking names. But, I'm doing something. Maybe a little bit of "somethings" each day will get me towards my goal.

It's almost Christmas!

I can't believe Christmas is next week! How quickly time flies. I like the saying "The days are slow but the years are fast." That is so true. Especially when you have kids. Looking day to day some days just drag. There are other times when I look at my kids and can't believe they are so grown up.

This is an exciting time of year in our household. We are very excited about Santa visiting next week and the kids can't stop talking about it. I love when my 4 year old out of the blue asks about Santa. I know she's thinking about it and trying to figure out how it all works and how he comes down the chimney etc. I just love that both my kids still believe. It is such a fun time right now!

I was doing OK with my eating before going to Disney. I lost a few pounds and was feeling good because at least I lost some weight before I went. While I was at Disney one of my best friends texted me and told me she had cancer. That was difficult. It's still difficult. Without going into it to much, my world was rocked for a few weeks. I have never dealt with anything like this before. The news just kept getting worse and worse and I didn't know how to handle it. The first couple of weeks were hard. It's still hard, but I think I've processed it as much as I can and we are all dealing with it. Our families are very close and this is affecting all of us very much.

Watching someone you love go through something like this is very difficult.  I have never felt as useless as I do now. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix this. There is not much I can do to help because she has such an incredibly close and helpful family that there isn't much I can do for them. The only thing I can do is be there for her if, and when, she wants to talk and pray. It's is a very helpless feeling. I want to fix this.

I just wanted to talk about that a little because it is affecting my diet right now. For that first initial time period I didn't give a shit about what I ate. I didn't go crazy and eat everything in site, but I didn't care as much about what went into my mouth. Now I feel differently.  Now I want to eat better foods and less processed foods. I want to feed my kids good foods with less chemicals. My friend eats very clean and she still got cancer.

I am slowly replacing our foods with organic foods and our sauces with sauces with less  or no chemicals. For instance, when we needed syrup for our pancakes I went to Whole Foods and got a syrup that isn't full of chemicals. Have you looked at your syrup bottle's ingredients? I looked at ours and OMG, it's full of chemicals and has no real maple syrup in it! I had this information before and knew what to look for but I didn't often actually look at our bottles. Now that I am actually looking at the ingredients I am shocked at what I'm finding.

I think making these changes will help me lose weight. I'm not going to say I'm going full force right now and I'm planning on losing 10 pounds before the end of the year. I'm being realistic and know that I won't do that. My goal right now is to maintain my weight throughout the holidays and get a fresh start Jan 1. I'm going to cut calories where I can and work out when I can. If I can just do those 2 things maintaining my weight won't be hard.

I wish you a blessed Christmas and a safe New Year. By this time next year I will be writing about how proud I am of myself because I worked hard all year and am so happy that after all these years I am at my goal weight. I feel a change coming.

Things have certainly turned around for me. I'm doing great. I've lost a few pounds and I'm only a pound and a half away from my next goal. My stomach is totally fine now and I've been done with the antibiotics for over a week.

Mentally I'm feeling OK (today) about my weight loss. It is a day to day battle though. I wish I didn't have this insane need to step on the scale every morning. It dictates how I do that day and that's not a good way to live. I know there are many other ways to measure success when losing weight, but I need that validation from the scale. The problem is, when I'm not losing like I think I should, I tend to eat badly that day.

I will not hit my goal for my vacation next month. At this point, it's physically impossible, but I'm OK with that too. I did my best and was sidelined for a month with that stomach bug. I will get as close as I can and be happy with that.

I was at a party last weekend and was talking to someone who is getting her Masters degree to be a dietician. I had a very interesting conversation with her about being overweight and why it's so hard for me to lose weight. She suggested I try going gluten free. She said she knows it's a fad right now, but there actually is something to it. I've decided to look into it. I'm not going to start anything like that before my vacation or even before the holidays.  I know it will be hard to do and I just don't want to deal with that and those emotions during the holidays. I think I'm going to continue doing my carb cycling until January and then I'll try it. That gives me about 2 months to research it and find recipes to make. I'm just curious to find out exactly what gluten is and if my body needs it. From the limited knowledge I have, I don't think it has any vitamins or nutrients a body needs, but I just don't know for sure.

I'm tired of writing only when I'm having bad days. I think it's time to celebrate the days that I'm doing well too. This is such a roller coaster and I'm so ready to just be done, get to my goal weight, and figure out how to maintain. I am not getting any younger and each year it's harder and harder to lose weight. I have a feeling maintenance is going to be harder then actually losing weight, but I'm ready to find out.

Sidelined by sickness

I was doing great for a couple of weeks there. Working out 3-4 times a week, doing better with my eating. I was on a roll. Until an awful stomach virus hit me. I have never been so sick in my life. I was in bed for 2 days which I can never do because I have small kids. My husband had to take off work to take care of them while I was sick. I was really sick for a solid week and then just feeling icky the second week. I finally went to the doctor where it was determined that I have an infection in my gut causing all the issues I had.

My doctor started me on antibiotics which have their own fun side effects. I feel thirsty all the time and I'm coughing most of the night because my throat is so dry. I still have 4 days of these pills after today and then hopefully I will be back to good health.

That first week I was sick I lost 6 pounds because I just couldn't eat. I haven't lost anything since then because I think my body is just so screwed up it's holding onto every calorie I consume. Most days I wasn't eating more then 1000 calories but not losing any weight, so something was definitely off in my body.

What struck me as odd when I was sick was the comments I was getting from people on my Facebook page. I posted how sick I was and that I couldn't eat and there was a few people who said "Hey, at least your losing weight right?" I was kind of insulted by that. So, it's ok for me to violently ill because I'm fat? I felt like they were saying it was a good thing for me to be sick because I'm fat and only skinny people get sympathy when they are sick? At the time I was not happy in any way that I was sick and losing weight. I don't think anyone would be happy that they can't eat anything and feeling weak and in bed for days. I was just shocked that it was somehow ok for me to be sick because I so obviously need to lose weight. I guess it kind of hurt my feelings that people would say that to me. I don't see anyone saying that to a skinny person who's sick and can't eat.

Today I am having a good day so I have my work out clothes on and I'm heading to the gym. Without getting too graphic, most days I have to be close to a toilet or something really bad might happen. I have better days then others but today so far had been a good day. I will really be happy when this is all behind me.

If anything, this whole experience has made me appreciate my body for what it is. I'm healthy enough to not be so sick all the time.  Everything just kind of stops because you are unable to do much when you are sick. I started to realize that things aren't as important as I thought they were. And I also have a huge amount of sympathy for people who get sick while on chemotherapy. I just had a few days of not being able to hold down food or eat, I can't imagine having to do rounds of chemo and being that sick time and time again. It just feels good to actually appreciate my body and not see all the flaws all the time.

I'm ready to take these last few weeks I have before leaving for vacation and start kicking some butt. I have a goal in mind and I'm still reaching for it, even though I'm behind by a couple of weeks.

Still getting by

Last week was a tough week. I started to get on a roll as far as my carb cycling and exercising. I think I got in 4 work outs last week. Carb cycling is really easy and I'm not doing it 100% but I am mindful of the carbs I eat. I cut down wherever I can and I'm trying new recipes, which is a big deal for me.

But, then Wednesday came and we got some pretty bad news. My daughter who is 8 is best friends with another 8 year old girl that lives a few houses away. Her dad passed away last Wednesday. Talk about being shocked! He got into a motorcycle accident and was hurt pretty badly. They took him off life support on Wednesday evening. This is the second husband this poor mother has lost. This was my daughter's friends step dad. Her biological dad was murdered when she was one. I know, it's all confusing and I don't want to ever use names on my blog, so it's hard to explain, but the whole situation is devastating. He left behind 3 year old twin girls. My heart was broken for these people. I do know them both and I am friendly with them but I'm not friends with them. I still felt awful last week. Just trying to comprehend how this could have happened.

I did not turn to food though. I think I was so sad I just didn't want to eat. But, my birthday was on Friday. My wonderful co-workers got me a death by chocolate cake and took me out to lunch to my favorite Italian restaurant. On my actual birthday my husband took me out to eat at another Italian place and got me an Oreo Ice Cream cake. Needless to say, I wasn't being healthy on those few days.

But, I am happy to report that this morning I worked out for an hour on my treadmill and I'm having a great day eating. Since both my kids are sick I will not have to go to work this week so I should be able to work out everyday and eat healthy. I'm on my way to my goal to lose 20 before leaving for our trip. I am shocked that I didn't gain anything from my weekend of eating.

I am also proud of myself because there was not one time when I thought "Oh, I'll just start over on Monday." I made healthy choices when I could and didn't beat myself up for the unhealthy choices I made. I told myself that it was my birthday and I could enjoy myself as long as I got back on track the next day. I am really optimistic that I am going to lose some serious weight this week. I put up some pictures of Disney World on the wall of my work out area to remind myself that I'm doing this so I can walk around and not be in pain everyday. For the first time in a long time I feel like I WILL do this and I will succeed without a doubt. It feels good to have confidence in myself again.

I'm not even going to read my last post. I know it was bad. I was in a bad place. I'm still not 100% back to being motivated, but I'm on the right track.

I have about 8 weeks until we leave for our big trip and I'm starting a more focused plan tomorrow. I have all my menus planned out for the week and I got all the foods I need today. I'm ready to go. What I'm doing now is carb cycling. I'm still eating carbs, but just less on some days and more on others. My body responds very well to a lower carb diet, so that's what I'm going with.

I also went back to the gym on Friday and my 3 year old actually liked it. I wasn't going because she cried every time I wanted to go. Now she is looking forward to going so we'll go tomorrow. I work on Tuesday and Thursday so I will work out on the other days.

I need a plan to succeed. I can't just say I'm going to "be good" and just see what happens. That doesn't work for me. What works is having my meals written down and a work out plan. If I know what I'm going I am more likely to do it.

My goal is to lose 20 pounds before I leave for my trip. I hope it's enough to make a difference. I was on my feet for 3 hours today and I am feeling it now. I'm going to be one my feet for at least 8 hours a day on our trip. If I don't start following this plan I'm going to be in trouble. I don't want my husband or kids to have to slow down because I've let myself go so much.

My goal is to write a post once a week. I don't even think anyone is reading this anymore, but I think I need to record this. My goal is to lose 4 pounds this week. My birthday is on Friday and I'm going to really try to not go crazy on that day. The best gift I can give myself is getting healthy. Wish me luck!