Sometimes I just dread writing because I am SO tired of the roller coaster. I see now why some people just give up trying to lose weight. If I could be happy with my body just the way it is, I would give up. However, I am unable to do that. I want to get healthy, I want to get strong. I want to be here for my daughters when they grow up and have kids of their own. We started having kids late so I'm already racing against the clock to do that. I know it won't happen if I don't get healthy.

I have been working out off and on at home, not the gym. I let the guilt get to me when I dropped my 2 year old off and she would cry day after day. I started wondering why she just wasn't getting used to it and I think I let myself believe that they just aren't taking care of the kids the way they used to. I am seriously considering suspending my membership to save money. Why am I paying for a gym I don't go to? I am worried that if I do that I won't leave the house much this winter. I don't want to go into a depression because I am at home with a 2 year old day after day and not going out at all in the ice and snow.

It just boggles my mind that I can be doing SO well, just so motivated, full of energy and resolve to get this weight off. Then BAM, one day it just all stops and I totally go the opposite direction. I have gained about 3 pounds in this past week. I know if I don't do something about it right now that 3 will turn into 10. Then what?

I don't want to say I don't care, because I do care. I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to actually do anything about it. With the holidays coming and our family hosting 2 separate dinners, I'm just consumed with getting things done, buying stuff and getting the house ready. Working out and even eating well are not even on my list right now, let alone a priority.

I'm also still really sad about the shootings last week. I have a 6 year old daughter. She is the age all those kids were that were shot and killed. I find myself looking at her thanking God that I still have her but then I'm consumed with sadness for those parents who don't have their kids. I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm sure that has something to do with this funk that I'm in.

I have to keep in mind that this is temporary. I go through these low points and then pick myself up, brush myself off and continue to get healthy. I just hope I do that before the 3 turns into 10 or worse. There are days that I'm convinced I am gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. I have probably lost 100's of pounds if I were to count up all the 2 pound, 3 pound, 4 pound losses. Then I regain that and lose it all over again.

All I want for Christmas is the magic pill that will enable me to lose 50 pounds without much effort. Ok Santa? Did you hear that? I've been a good girl. Please and Thank you!

Things have changed a bit for me as far as the gym goes. I have started using those free sessions I won months ago and OMG, it's SO hard. She has trained me twice and both times by the end I have felt like I was going to throw up. I honestly don't know how the people on Biggest Loser do it. I really don't think I could work out for 6-8 hours a day.

I have also resisted doing the cardio fit test they offer at the gym. What it does is identify what your heart rate needs to be for your body to burn fat. You can work out for an hour and burn muscle or sugar instead of fat. I was really get tired of working out and not losing weight. This test has changed everything. I have not been working out close to what I need to in order to lose weight. I thought I was working out hard, but I wasn't. This is making me aware of how my breathing needs to be in order to be burning fat. I also get 16 weeks of work outs emailed to me 4 times a week so I can build up my cardio resistance. It's like wearing a coach on your wrist. I have to watch my heart rate and see which zone I'm in to know when I'm burning fat. I am glad I finally invested the money and did the test.

I am still working on getting my diet on track. That has proved to be difficult with Halloween last week, but I'm getting there. My goal is to at the very least maintain during the holidays but I feel if I can make small changes in my diet I may actually lose weight. I'm still working on that part though.

I have been stagnate for a while now. I am doing great with working out and not so great with my eating. There's a few factors at play there. I've been having some issues with my husband and food makes it all better. Either that or shopping. Eating is cheaper.

I actually started therapy 2 weeks ago. I have lots of issues to work on but right now we are starting on low self esteem and my weight. We haven't gotten into the weight issue a ton yet, but I'm looking forward to fixing what's in my head so I can stop stuffing my face.

I am optimistic that this week will be the beginning of a healthy lifestyle. I am starting training with a trainer at the gym and I am also investing in a heart rate monitor and watch. This will give me 12 weeks of weight loss work outs which will take me through the holidays.

One of the reasons I haven't been going to the gym is my 2 year old. She still cries when I put her in the daycare. It is frustrating for me because I start out each work out feeling guilty for leaving a crying baby in the daycare. But, I also know in my heart that I need to make time for ME so I can be a good mom for her. It's such a struggle each day. Having that as an excuse has kept me from going at times. It is so frustrating to want to go  but that guilt creeps in and I just don't want to put her through that.

I just want to come on here and say I've done so great and I've lost 20 pounds and all is well. Unfortunately it's not like that. Life gets in the way and knocks us off track and at times it's very hard to get back on track. But, I will say that I'm still trying. As long as I have a breath in my body I will try to be be healthy. I want to live for my girls. I grew up without a mom and I refuse to do that to them. So as long as I keep trying I think that's a success regardless if I lose weight or not.

I really need to get back to updating this blog on a regular basis. I know not many people read it, but it's cathartic for me to get my feelings out.

I'm going to start with something not related to my diet at all. I spent the last weekend in Lily Dale, NY. It's a town full of psychic mediums that talk to dead people. I know it's pretty "out there" but the weekend was awesome. I met my BFF who lives in a different state and was able to have a kid free, husband free weekend. Boy did I need that.

Whether I believe in psychics or not, I did realize that at the very least they can give some very good advice. I was told by 2 different psychics that it's time to let go of some things I've been holding onto for years. I'm talking 30 years here, so some pretty big stuff.  I know to be able to live a healthy life I need to let go of some of the anger and other emotions from my childhood but I just don't know how to do it yet. I need to think about it and figure it out.

I guess this really is related to weight loss because I know that some of these issues are probably contributing to me being overweight today. For instance, my dad left when I was very young and pretty much abandoned me. I know I've always felt scared that other people will do the same so I never really trust people 100% because of that. I think that if I keep the weight on, it's kind of like a shield between me and other people as a protection I have built around me. This is just one example of what I've been thinking about these last few days.

I have a lot to work on both emotionally and physically. As far as how my diet is going right now, I've put on 4 pounds. Over the course of a month, over the summer, with both kids home, I don't think that's horrible. We are on the go each and every day. Some days it's hard to plan meals ahead of time and I have just gone through a drive through and gotten whatever the kids want. However, I do know that I don't take that decision lightly anymore and really think about the best option. I don't mindlessly order a double cheeseburger and chalk it up to busyness.

One thing that I've gotten away from doing that I need to do again is to start journaling my food intake. At least then I will know what I am consuming and can make informed choices. For instance, yesterday I had a burrito from Taco Bell. It's their new Cantina menu. I was thinking about 500 calories, but when I got home and actually looked it up, it was 730 calories! I would have NEVER gotten that had I known that. I need to make sure I have all the information before I order food.

I am slowly getting back to going to the gym again. I got out of the habit of working out since I went on a few trips, but now I'm back. School starts for my oldest in 2 weeks so I will get back into a routine of planning meals and working out. She will be in school all day now so I have no more excuses.

I'll write more about my readings and what I was told would happen in my life. For now, I have a poopy diaper to change. Lucky me!

I have been doing great! I am SO happy to say that I've been sticking to my diet and I've also been working out at home. I drop my daughter off at school, put the baby down for a nap and head to my basement where my treadmill it. It's so nice having a new one that works so well and I actually look forward to using it. Right now I am having Jillian Michaels train me with the ifit so I think I work harder than I would on my own.

I realized the other day that I have lost 20 pounds since Jan 1. I guess I didn't know I weighed as much as I did at the beginning of the year. I found the paper I used to keep track of it. Here we are half way through the year and I am not quite where I thought I would be, but come on? How can I be unhappy at losing 20 pounds? I'm not unhappy at all, as a matter of fact I am ecstatic.

I feel so much better now than I did even a month ago. I have more energy, usually sleep better etc. I was talking to a friend about this and I don't understand why this is so hard. I feel SO good when I am being good. What makes me stop being good? Right now when I think about eating fatty or unhealthy foods it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I know I have been here before though and I have slipped back into my old ways. I don't know what's different this time, but I just hope it stays with me.

I have made a new deal with my husband. We are going to Disney World in September. I'd like to have lost 30 pounds by that time. (When we made this deal that was 2 pounds a week which is totally doable) He will give me $10 for each pound lost and if I do hit the 30 pounds I get an additional $100 for spending money. Ok, I know it's all "our money" so it technically doesn't mean much, but it's the challenge. Usually when we go on vacation I spend our money on the kids. I needed some kind of goal and I needed some kind of reward. So far this seems to be working. I have lost 6 pounds which means I get $60 no matter what at this point. If you've ever been to Disney, $60 will buy you a sweatshirt. I am a little bit behind with my 2 pounds a week but my niece has been here since last week so it's a bit harder to maintain a healthy diet. I'll just have to make it up once she's gone.

I have been doing pretty well with my diet and I'm getting back into exercising slowly. Last week I finally took the baby to the gym. The first day she cried on and off while she was in the daycare, but not enough for them to call me out. The second day was much of the same. She survived but didn't love it. That night is when she got the fever. That was on a Tuesday and by Thursday night her fever had reached 105 and we had to take her to urgent care. They did some tests and couldn't find the source of the infection so they sent us to the hospital. Talk about scary!

They had to draw some blood, catheterize her for urine and take a chest X-ray. About 2:00 AM (the baby was still awake and VERY crabby) the doctor came in and said they couldn't find anything wrong with her so it must have been a virus she picked up. Damn. So of course my husband is once again saying he doesn't want me to take her to the gym daycare. I can totally understand his concern, but damn.... What am I supposed to do? If I take her to the gym I am a terrible mother who doesn't care if she gets sick. If I don't take her to the gym, I can't work out nearly as effectively.

The other solution is going to the gym after my husband gets home from work. This is something I don't really want to do because when my husband is home with the kids, he watches the kids. Period. He doesn't do anything else like clean up dishes from dinner or clean the house. Right now when he comes home from work that's generally my time to catch up on things. If I go to the gym, that time is gone and my house will turn into a pig sty. Honestly, I am  not a neat freak by any means, but 2 kids and a husband can quickly turn my house into a total mess.

Yesterday and today I did walk on my treadmill in my basement for exercise. It is a good work out, but I'm afraid if that's all I do my body will get used to it and it won't be as effective. But, as of right now this is my best option until I can figure something else out. I need to sit down with my husband and come up with a schedule. Some nights I can go to the gym when he gets home and other days I can work out in my basement. One positive thing about this is if I don't need the daycare at the gym, I can switch to a cheaper gym. Right now I go to the most expensive one in town, but it was worth it for the daycare.

I will keep my membership for at least another month because I have 3 training sessions left with the trainer and I want to get those done. She can start getting me on the right track as far as strength goes.

I also realized something today that made me very happy. Since Jan 1 I have lost 17 pounds. I knew I had lost weight, but I didn't think it was that much. If I lose 40 by the end of the year I will be ecstatic. I am half way there and June is just in a few days. It feels really good to know I am half way through the year and I've actually accomplished something. Usually I am just disappointed in my progress, but 17 pounds isn't that bad at all.

I can figure out how to get this done as far as working out goes. I don't have a choice. I wish it didn't get so hot here in the Summer or I could walk outside. I just have to find the perfect combination of what works and make myself do it. I am actually to the point right now where I don't hate exercise. I don't love it, but I can get through a work out and not count down the seconds until I'm done. That's something right?

I am very happy to report that I am back on track....again. I hesitate to say that because geez, how many times can I get "back on track?" I get tired of hearing myself say that.

Last week I met with the trainer at the gym for my first session. It really turned out to be a nutrition lesson, which I badly needed. I found out I was doing a few things wrong, that I thought were actually healthy. It just so happened that the day I had the training, the gym was offering a free seminar on carbs, so I went to that as well. Wow, those guys do not like carbs! I don't know that I can go as far as they want people to go (only one serving of "bad" carbs a day) but I did realize that I eat way too many carbs. I also eat them at the wrong time of day.

One thing I liked to do was eat some fruit before working out. Turns out that is not a good time to eat fruit. If you eat fruit before working out, your body burns off the sugar from the fruit during your work out instead of fat. I want to teach my body to burn fat so I should eat protein before working out. These guys said people should not eat carbs for breakfast or lunch. If you have to eat the "bad carbs" (i.e. rice, potatoes etc) eat one serving with dinner.

I also committed to my trainer that I would work out 5 days a week. Today is Thursday and so far I have stayed true to my commitment. I've kind of figured out how to get most of what I need to get done while the baby is up and then work out while she is napping. My struggle right now is that my treadmill is dying. I need a new one and I need to find one that will fit through the opening to our basement. My house is built so the doorway to the basement faces a wall. That makes it very difficult to move bigger objects into out basement. We are going to go look at one today and hopefully it will work.

I think it's finally starting to sink into my head that this will be a struggle for the rest of my life. I've always kind of hoped that I would lose the weight and be done with it. That's not gonna happen. So right now I am focusing on taking this one day at a time. When I start to look too far into the future, I stop myself and focus on today.

The trainer and I decided that we will meet again in a couple of week. She told me that I cannot exercise away a bad diet. I need to get my diet under control and then we will meet again and she will give me a work out tailored to me. That will also give me time to get the baby into the daycare in the gym. We have both been sick for over a week now so I haven't been able to take her. Hopefully next week we can go and I can start getting her used to it.

The final thing I will comment on is in talking with the trainer, I was embarrassed at how many excuses I rely on to get out of being healthy. Reasons why I can't eat healthy and reasons why I can't work out. She didn't want to come out and say it but I finally had to, that they are excuses and not valid reasons for not being healthy. I am working on not telling myself these excuses and believing them. I have to do this for me. I have to get healthy for my kids. I don't want to leave them like my mom left me. I have to be here for them and help them raise their kids. I can do this!!