Reunion OVER

My high school reunion was last Saturday night. I was a little sad going in thinking about all the goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year. I am at my heaviest weight this year. Still 30 pounds lighter than the last reunion 5 years ago, but nowhere near where I was hoping to be.

The reunion was bizarre to say the least. I've had 2 days to think about this and how I feel about it. I have been asking myself this question: Is it better to be made fun or or be invisible? I knew nobody would outright make fun of me. We are all adults and I know people are beyond that. However, I felt totally invisible the whole night. Not one person asked me what I did for a living. Only one person asked me where I live now.

When I was initially thinking about it, I felt ignored. But, thinking about it now for 2 days I realized that I was just invisible. I know I am mostly to blame for this. I am not the type of person who can walk up to a group and just jump into an ongoing conversation. I have always been shy and will most likely always have trouble speaking in a group. I just thought someone might come up to me to chat.

My BFF was with me and she's the one who would approach someone and start talking. I was kind of being her shadow and just followed along. The people would say hello to me and then turn to my friend and have a conversation with her and I just faded away.

Like I said it was bizarre. I have never felt so insignificant in my life. I'm not mad about it, I'm just sad. Sad that I'm not the type of person who can just walk up and talk to anyone. Sad for some people who cannot move on from the stereotypes of high school. Sad that I even allowed myself to become invisible. Sad about the whole experience. I wonder if anything would have been different had I lost 30 pounds. Something tells me no, it would have been exactly the same as it was.

My next goal is to be under 200 pounds by the time we leave for Disney World at the end of September. I need to get back on track and I need to do it NOW before I do anymore damage.

Daughter #1 needs to get to bed. I just wanted to update this before I forgot about the reunion.

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. I keep thinking I want to and then don't. But, it's not because I'm doing badly, because I'm not. I'm maintaining, which I don't think is "bad." It's not what I want to be doing, but I'm not gaining so I consider this a good thing.

A really sad thing happened that I want to talk about. I was bathing suit shopping about 2 weeks ago. They were on sale and I needed a new one so I went to JC Penny. I was looking at the swim suits and an older lady was there too. I'd guess she was in her early 70's maybe? Shorter, plump, gray hair. Anyway, she says to me "Gee, these are kind of expensive. I'd hate to spend that much money on a suit when I won't be this size for much longer." I said something like "Yeah, I know what you mean" and she said "My doctor is testing my thyroid. He thinks there might be something wrong with it since I'm not losing weight anymore. So, I'm going to be in a smaller size when he figures out what's going on"

Wow, how many times have I said to myself when I didn't want to buy another size 18, 20 or 22 because I was going to lose weight and would need a smaller size "soon"? I've been saying this for years! Is it possible that I will be in my 70's saying the same thing? That makes me incredibly sad. Is it possible that I will NEVER be happy with my body? Will I be a 70 year old woman telling myself that any day now I'll be in a smaller size?

It made me realize that I need to do something. I need to figure out how to be happy with my body no matter what size I am. I know that there are health reasons why I HAVE to lose weight. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about being happy with the way I look no matter what. Is it possible to like my body at any size? Does anyone like their body when they are a size 18?

I don't want to live out the rest of my life thinking that any day now I will lose this weight for good. I want to find a way to be happy with how I look *now* while striving to lose weight so I can be healthy and play with my kids without getting winded. I'm working on this and if I find any of the answers, you'll be the first to know.

I was doing very well with my 3 goals until the weekend hit. Then it all kind of fell apart. I just don't have a solid plan in place. That's been my issue all along. I need to commit to a plan and do it. I know this, I've just been looking for a quick fix which does not exist.

My reunion is 4 weeks away and really at this point I won't be able to make that much of a difference in my appearance. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I'm mostly sad that I even care about what the people I went to high school with think. The ones that matter to me have kept in touch and know that I'm not skinny. Why do I care about the rest of them?

I was made fun of all through school because I was shy and overweight. A deadly combination. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have stuck up for myself but I was so afraid to even talk that i was an easy target. I've really come to realize that the people who made fun of me just felt insecure themselves. However, I still feel insecure to this day. Why? I have no idea.

I should probably stop resisting and just go back on Weight Watchers. It did work for me when I did it. I need to accept the slow and steady approach and realize that losing 2 pounds a week is a great way to do it. I still have time before my Disney trip to make a difference in my weight. That is my next goal.

Back to the drawing board

Ok, so all these quick and easy diets I've been trying are not working. I've wasted a lot of time trying to find a quick fix and I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing worth writing home about.

I've been skipping around reading The Spark. It is written by the person who created Spark People. Anyway, they suggest in this book to start out your first week with 3 very small goals. Easily attainable goals so you can feel proud of yourself at the end of the week. He writes that the "fast diets" work for a week or two but then you burn out. I agree with that because that has happened to me a few times within this past 6 months.

My 3 goals this week are:

#1- drink 8 glasses of water each day

#2- track all the food I eat

#3- do at least 10 mins of some activity per day

Easy enough, right?

The water is a no brainer. I just have to think about it each day because I usually just forget to drink it. Tracking the food will not be "hard" just something I got out of the habit of doing. I have an iPhone so I really have no excuse not to do it. I know the 3rd one sounds easy and it really is. In my brain I think if I can't do 45 mins of cardio it's not even worth doing anything at all. That's not true. If I start out just doing 10 mins and stop, at least I've done something. Even that 10 minutes will burn some calories.

But, if I start out walking for 10 minutes, chances are I will walk more than 10 minutes. I will keep going. It takes me at least 20 minutes to do a whole loop around my sub.

This plan is doable. How can I not succeed by just doing these 3 things? I'll check back in at the end of the week to let you know how I've done.

Ever notice when a blogger stops blogging it's usually because they are not doing very well? I've noticed that a lot of my favorite blogs have been light on posts lately and they always come back and report that they are struggling. I find this somewhat depressing. EVERYONE I read has had struggles lately. I guess if someone reports that everything is going well all the time I'd be suspicious.

I've been plugging along. Not gaining but not losing. I was thinking about it last week and pretty much figured out what my problem is. As twisted as this sounds, it's what I've come up with. When I was a kid basically everything was out of my control. My dad leaving, my mom dying, living with 3 brothers after that, etc. So now, I need to control everything. I HATE it when someone tells me what to do. (this is where it gets twisted) In having to lose weight, I am telling myself that I must exercise and eat properly. It's what I HAVE TO DO to get healthy. Even though it is ME telling ME what to do, I still want to say "Screw you! I'm going to do what I want" and I eat badly.

By me HAVING to eat healthy and exercise, it is kind of out of my control. I want to do what I want when I want to. I want to eat what I want when I want to. I can't do that and be healthy at the same time. I am sabotaging myself constantly because I want what I want when I want it.

Where does this leave me? I'll tell you. It leaves me weighing over 200 pounds and miserable. I have no idea how to fix it and how to correct my thinking. If I tell myself that I have to GAIN 10 pounds, maybe I'd go the other way!

What I do know is when I see any victory on the scale, I almost immediately sabotage myself. WTF? Why do I do that?

I don't have any answers, but I am actually doing OK this week. I ate pretty well yesterday and worked out. As soon as the baby wakes up I'm going to take the kids on a walk. I'm plugging along wishing I was doing better but it is what it is. I can't seem to find the motivation that I need.

Is anyone out there doing great and actually losing weight right now?????

Yesterday I had to take our 8 month old to the hospital for some tests. I knew it was going to be a rough day. So, I lined up a sitter for Monday for both kids and had the afternoon to myself to do whatever I wanted. I did not allow myself to clean the house or do anything that wasn't for *me.* What a concept, huh?

My mind was going wild. Pedicure? Massage? Movie? Hmmm, what was I going to do. You will probably be amazed to find out what I did. I WENT TO THE GYM! I realized that I've been saying for months now if it wasn't for these damn kids I'd be working out. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I dropped off the kids and headed straight to the gym. I did about 50 mins of cardio and then showered and felt GREAT! OMG, I missed working out. I've never really believed people when they say they miss going to the gym. I NEVER thought I would EVER say that. Guess what? I missed going to the gym and felt so good afterwards.

(After the work out I did get a pedicure where the massage chair practically violated me, but I'll save that story for another post)

Today is a new day and I feel great! I'm going to go in my basement and work out when the baby naps. I would try the gym but we haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor about the baby yet. The tech told me "unofficially" that she didn't see any issues with my daughter's bladder, so I'm confident that we will be going to the gym next week. Until then, I am going to utilize all my exercise equipment and get in a good work out. I would just walk outside but it is incredibly hot today. I think it's going up to 94 and I don't want to walk outside in this heat.

The issues with hubby seem to be a little better too. I've borrowed a book from a friend who is going through a divorce. She said if she would have read this book a year or two ago she probably wouldn't be getting divorced right now so I'm going to read it and work on things with him. We had a good talk last weekend and we are both going to try to be less passive aggressive and just say what we mean instead of little snide comments to each other.

8 weeks until the reunion and my goal at this point is to be under 200 pounds. I can do it! I was 214 yesterday (yep, gained a few). That's under two pounds to lose each week. I can do that. I will do that! I'll post a picture of me in my fabulous new dress or outfit I'm going to buy for that night. No waiting until Monday or some random day in the future, today is the day.

I'm going to post a really good quote I read today, take a moment to think about it:

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all Its blunders and tears, its follies and defects. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake In tomorrow, for it is still unborn. With God's help and only one day to concentrate all my effort and energy on, this day, I can win."
~Og Mandino

This post is probably going to be totally off subject but I just don't give a damn. It all ties in together I guess.

How can 2 people live together and be so out of sync? I just don't get it. I know marriages have their ups and downs but lately mine is down and can't get back up. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately and we can't understand the other person at all. He says I blow things out of porportion and I think he doesn't care enough about anything.

Because of this I've been eating. Tonight was the dreaded pizza. Because I've been on pins and needles with him when he texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted this pizza place we've been wanting to try, I said yes because I thought it would make him happy. I didn't tell him I had already bought 2 steaks and was planning on grilling tonight. I didn't want to cause another fight.

I feel defeated once again. I just can't get out of my slump. Because the baby has some ongoing health issues hubby doesn't want me to take her to the gym because she might gets sick. However, he is unwilling to let me go in the evening after he gets home from work. My other option is to get up at 4:30 AM and go work out before he goes to work.

I really do know that life could be worse. I really try to count my blessing each and every day. There are some days though when I feel empty and know that I need to make a whole bunch of changes. Nobody can do it for me. I need to start somewhere. Just one thing. I'm too scattered when so many things need to be fixed and too overwhelmed. Ok, enough of this. I'm getting tired of hearing me whine......