I was doing very well with my 3 goals until the weekend hit. Then it all kind of fell apart. I just don't have a solid plan in place. That's been my issue all along. I need to commit to a plan and do it. I know this, I've just been looking for a quick fix which does not exist.

My reunion is 4 weeks away and really at this point I won't be able to make that much of a difference in my appearance. I'm kind of sad about that. I think I'm mostly sad that I even care about what the people I went to high school with think. The ones that matter to me have kept in touch and know that I'm not skinny. Why do I care about the rest of them?

I was made fun of all through school because I was shy and overweight. A deadly combination. It wouldn't have been so bad if I could have stuck up for myself but I was so afraid to even talk that i was an easy target. I've really come to realize that the people who made fun of me just felt insecure themselves. However, I still feel insecure to this day. Why? I have no idea.

I should probably stop resisting and just go back on Weight Watchers. It did work for me when I did it. I need to accept the slow and steady approach and realize that losing 2 pounds a week is a great way to do it. I still have time before my Disney trip to make a difference in my weight. That is my next goal.

Back to the drawing board

Ok, so all these quick and easy diets I've been trying are not working. I've wasted a lot of time trying to find a quick fix and I've lost a few pounds here and there, but nothing worth writing home about.

I've been skipping around reading The Spark. It is written by the person who created Spark People. Anyway, they suggest in this book to start out your first week with 3 very small goals. Easily attainable goals so you can feel proud of yourself at the end of the week. He writes that the "fast diets" work for a week or two but then you burn out. I agree with that because that has happened to me a few times within this past 6 months.

My 3 goals this week are:

#1- drink 8 glasses of water each day

#2- track all the food I eat

#3- do at least 10 mins of some activity per day

Easy enough, right?

The water is a no brainer. I just have to think about it each day because I usually just forget to drink it. Tracking the food will not be "hard" just something I got out of the habit of doing. I have an iPhone so I really have no excuse not to do it. I know the 3rd one sounds easy and it really is. In my brain I think if I can't do 45 mins of cardio it's not even worth doing anything at all. That's not true. If I start out just doing 10 mins and stop, at least I've done something. Even that 10 minutes will burn some calories.

But, if I start out walking for 10 minutes, chances are I will walk more than 10 minutes. I will keep going. It takes me at least 20 minutes to do a whole loop around my sub.

This plan is doable. How can I not succeed by just doing these 3 things? I'll check back in at the end of the week to let you know how I've done.

Ever notice when a blogger stops blogging it's usually because they are not doing very well? I've noticed that a lot of my favorite blogs have been light on posts lately and they always come back and report that they are struggling. I find this somewhat depressing. EVERYONE I read has had struggles lately. I guess if someone reports that everything is going well all the time I'd be suspicious.

I've been plugging along. Not gaining but not losing. I was thinking about it last week and pretty much figured out what my problem is. As twisted as this sounds, it's what I've come up with. When I was a kid basically everything was out of my control. My dad leaving, my mom dying, living with 3 brothers after that, etc. So now, I need to control everything. I HATE it when someone tells me what to do. (this is where it gets twisted) In having to lose weight, I am telling myself that I must exercise and eat properly. It's what I HAVE TO DO to get healthy. Even though it is ME telling ME what to do, I still want to say "Screw you! I'm going to do what I want" and I eat badly.

By me HAVING to eat healthy and exercise, it is kind of out of my control. I want to do what I want when I want to. I want to eat what I want when I want to. I can't do that and be healthy at the same time. I am sabotaging myself constantly because I want what I want when I want it.

Where does this leave me? I'll tell you. It leaves me weighing over 200 pounds and miserable. I have no idea how to fix it and how to correct my thinking. If I tell myself that I have to GAIN 10 pounds, maybe I'd go the other way!

What I do know is when I see any victory on the scale, I almost immediately sabotage myself. WTF? Why do I do that?

I don't have any answers, but I am actually doing OK this week. I ate pretty well yesterday and worked out. As soon as the baby wakes up I'm going to take the kids on a walk. I'm plugging along wishing I was doing better but it is what it is. I can't seem to find the motivation that I need.

Is anyone out there doing great and actually losing weight right now?????

Yesterday I had to take our 8 month old to the hospital for some tests. I knew it was going to be a rough day. So, I lined up a sitter for Monday for both kids and had the afternoon to myself to do whatever I wanted. I did not allow myself to clean the house or do anything that wasn't for *me.* What a concept, huh?

My mind was going wild. Pedicure? Massage? Movie? Hmmm, what was I going to do. You will probably be amazed to find out what I did. I WENT TO THE GYM! I realized that I've been saying for months now if it wasn't for these damn kids I'd be working out. Well, it was time to put my money where my mouth was. I dropped off the kids and headed straight to the gym. I did about 50 mins of cardio and then showered and felt GREAT! OMG, I missed working out. I've never really believed people when they say they miss going to the gym. I NEVER thought I would EVER say that. Guess what? I missed going to the gym and felt so good afterwards.

(After the work out I did get a pedicure where the massage chair practically violated me, but I'll save that story for another post)

Today is a new day and I feel great! I'm going to go in my basement and work out when the baby naps. I would try the gym but we haven't gotten the official diagnosis from the doctor about the baby yet. The tech told me "unofficially" that she didn't see any issues with my daughter's bladder, so I'm confident that we will be going to the gym next week. Until then, I am going to utilize all my exercise equipment and get in a good work out. I would just walk outside but it is incredibly hot today. I think it's going up to 94 and I don't want to walk outside in this heat.

The issues with hubby seem to be a little better too. I've borrowed a book from a friend who is going through a divorce. She said if she would have read this book a year or two ago she probably wouldn't be getting divorced right now so I'm going to read it and work on things with him. We had a good talk last weekend and we are both going to try to be less passive aggressive and just say what we mean instead of little snide comments to each other.

8 weeks until the reunion and my goal at this point is to be under 200 pounds. I can do it! I was 214 yesterday (yep, gained a few). That's under two pounds to lose each week. I can do that. I will do that! I'll post a picture of me in my fabulous new dress or outfit I'm going to buy for that night. No waiting until Monday or some random day in the future, today is the day.

I'm going to post a really good quote I read today, take a moment to think about it:

"For the rest of my life there are two days that will never again trouble me. The first day is yesterday with all Its blunders and tears, its follies and defects. Yesterday has passed forever beyond my control. The other day is tomorrow with its pitfalls and threats, its dangers and mystery. Until the sun rises again, I have no stake In tomorrow, for it is still unborn. With God's help and only one day to concentrate all my effort and energy on, this day, I can win."
~Og Mandino

This post is probably going to be totally off subject but I just don't give a damn. It all ties in together I guess.

How can 2 people live together and be so out of sync? I just don't get it. I know marriages have their ups and downs but lately mine is down and can't get back up. My husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs lately and we can't understand the other person at all. He says I blow things out of porportion and I think he doesn't care enough about anything.

Because of this I've been eating. Tonight was the dreaded pizza. Because I've been on pins and needles with him when he texted me earlier today and asked if I wanted this pizza place we've been wanting to try, I said yes because I thought it would make him happy. I didn't tell him I had already bought 2 steaks and was planning on grilling tonight. I didn't want to cause another fight.

I feel defeated once again. I just can't get out of my slump. Because the baby has some ongoing health issues hubby doesn't want me to take her to the gym because she might gets sick. However, he is unwilling to let me go in the evening after he gets home from work. My other option is to get up at 4:30 AM and go work out before he goes to work.

I really do know that life could be worse. I really try to count my blessing each and every day. There are some days though when I feel empty and know that I need to make a whole bunch of changes. Nobody can do it for me. I need to start somewhere. Just one thing. I'm too scattered when so many things need to be fixed and too overwhelmed. Ok, enough of this. I'm getting tired of hearing me whine......

I have been floundering these past few weeks. Last week was really strange. I did nothing as far as diet and/or exercise and I lost 2 pounds. I was kind of mad about that. I can diet and exercise my ass off and not lose weight and I do nothing and lose weight. It's the randomness that makes me mad. You'd think with hard work and exercise it's a no brainer, the weight would come off.

I have no real reason for floundering except for being busy. My daughter's last day of school was yesterday so I was busy with the end of the year stuff. Tonight is graduation and tomorrow is the picnic and then I really have no excuses.

I still like the 17 day diet as far as easiness to follow. I seem to do well on diets that are easy to follow and don't take much thought.

I was thinking this morning that until I learn to incorporate healthy eating into my daily life I will never be where I want to be. I was contemplating eating something not healthy this morning because I'm not following a plan or anything right now. It just dawned on me that I will not have success until I stop thinking this way. I need to learn that ANY healthy eating is good eating, no matter what diet I'm on.

I can't tell you how many times I think "Well, today is shot anyway so why not just have that pizza?" I should be thinking "I haven't made such good choices today so I should eat something healthy for dinner." WHY is this so hard to do? Honestly!??!!? I am not stupid. I know this stuff. I know how to lose weight. I know how to diet. WHY do I make this so difficult in my mind?

I really think that if I can get my thinking right, the weight will just come off. I have the knowledge to lose weight. I just need to follow through with it.

I'm just not feeling it right now. I want to lose the weight. My reunion is fast approaching. For some reason I just don't care right now. I know I will be kicking myself in a few weeks. But, I also have only gained about 2-3 pounds back. I haven't completely thrown in the towel. I am trying to be good here and there. I could be doing so much better though.

Sorry about the randomness of this post. I go in thinking that if I can write about my issues I can fix them. I don't have any great insight to share today. I wish this was easier. I wish I could just want to eat good and be healthy. Sigh..........

When we plan, God laughs

Well, my diet has been non existent since Monday. I was going along great on the 17 day diet (cycle 1) and then the baby got sick.

She's been under the weather for a while now but at the end of last week she got worse. I took her to the doctor on Friday and she said to just wait to see what happens. They don't want to give antibiotics as much anymore. If you give the wrong one, you can mask a condition that might be more serious. Anyway, she got worse and by Monday her fever was 104.

We went to the doctor on Monday morning and she advised us that Macy had to go into the hospital. She had an infection that required IV antibiotics. Talk about being scared out of my mind. I just started crying at the doctors office. She felt so bad for me. As she's trying to explain what was going on I was just crying.

Anyway, to make a long story short, we were in the hospital until yesterday. The antibiotics did their job and she is much better today. We still have some tests to do to find out why she got the infection in the first place, but she is MUCH better today.

So, I did learn one thing through all of this. I was laying in the hospital bed with Macy and looking up at the IV thinking "I don't want to go out this way" I don't want to die and have the last thing I see an IV bag and a hospital room ceiling when I die. Basically, all the crap and bullshit I complain about doesn't mean shit. I'm sorry, it's true.

When you get down to basics, your health is the ONLY thing you should be concerned about. If you don't have that, NOTHING else matter. I'm ready to get HEALTHY. Not skinny, not a number on the scale. Just good health.

I have more to say but the baby is crying. I will finish this thought in my next post!