This past week has been a really good week. I forget how good I feel when I work out on a semi daily basis. I've gotten in 4 work outs and have lost a pound. It was a pound and a half but I ate out 2 times over the weekend and I've gained back a half a pound. Totally worth it.

I've started reading the book "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth. I bought it a couple of months ago and it's been sitting on a shelf since then. Geneen was recently on Oprah again and I promised myself I would actually read the book. So far it's pretty good. There have been a few instances while reading it and I've thought "Oh my God, that's me!"

I have been thinking about how I use food as more than just energy for my body. I went to book club last week and there was a new person there. I am extremely nervous around people I don't know and especially hate talking around them. After I got home I started to dwell on all the things I said and thought "I can't believe I said that. I am so stupid" and started feeling bad about myself. What did I do? I reached for chocolate. After about 3 mini Hershey bars I stopped myself and asked "Why am I eating this?" I told myself that I was eating it because I was feeling embarrassed and stupid about some of the things I had said. Then I asked myself if I was really hungry, and the answer was no. Then I asked myself if eating chocolate would make me feel less embarrassed and the answer again was no. So, I stopped eating. I just walked away.

I felt so good about this afterwards. I'm really starting to link my mindless eating to other things. Maybe it really isn't about food. Maybe it's about something else and other feelings.

(pg 53) Geneen writes: "Sometimes people will say "But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can't it just be that simple? I overeat because I like food."

But.

When you like something, you pat attention to it. When you like something- love something- you take time with it. You want to be present for every second of the rapture.

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can't think of anything but how full you are. That's not love: that's suffering.

Weight (too much or too little) is a by-product. Weight is what happens when you use food to flatten your life. Even with aching joints, it's not about food. Even with arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure. It's about your desire to flatten you life. It's about the fact that you've given up without saying so. It's about your belief that it's not possible to live any other way- and you're using food to act that out without ever having to admit it."

That page really got to me. So true. I know there are reasons I've over eaten. I know there are things in my past that I'm having a hard time overcoming and I numb myself with food. But, that was then. I am starting to work on getting into the "now." Another quick quote from the book "Staying means recognizing that when you want to bolt, you are living in the past. You are taking yourself to be someone who no longer exists. Staying requires being curious about who you actually are when you don't take yourself to be a collection of memories. When you don't infer your existence from replaying what happened to you, when you don't take yourself to be the girl your mother/father/brother/teacher/lover didn't see or adore. When you sense yourself directly, immediately, right now, without preconception, who are you?"

I don't know if I've ever asked myself "Who am I now?" I've always seen myself as a girl with no parents. As a girl who was abandoned by her father. As a girl who would date anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention to prove that she is worthy of love. But, "who" am I now? I'm not that person anymore. Why can't I see that? Why can't I move beyond all those labels I have placed on myself and see myself for who I am now?

This is what I'm working on. If this is the only thing I get from this book, it was worth the $10. At the very least I am starting to ask myself if I am really hungry when I reach for food. If not, I'm trying to figure out what other feeling I am pushing aside so I don't eat whatever it is I want to eat. I guess it really isn't about the food after all.

Can I just say....

I LOVE my pregnancy boobs. Honestly, it's the best part of being pregnant. They are getting fuller because they are getting ready to produce milk which means they aren't saggy and awful anymore. It's refreshing to me to actually like a body part that I've never particularly cared for. I'm so used to disliking most of my body parts so it feels good to actually like something for a change. I wish I could apply that to my expanding belly.

Yesterday was a fantastic day for me! I had a GREAT work out and a very healthy day of eating. When I was working out, for a split second, I felt like I felt before I was pregnant. Like I could do anything. I think I've broken through my cautiousness about working out while pregnant. I worked up a really good sweat and felt great when I was done.

As of yesterday I have managed to maintain my weight this past week. As of this morning, I have actually lost a half a pound. I am eating just as much food (so don't worry that I am starving my baby) I'm just making healthier choices. I have also banned sugar from my diet until after dinner. I might have ONE piece of fruit with lunch (an apple with my sandwich yesterday) but that is better than a handful of chips.

I think at this point my OB has motivated me. I was pretty humiliated when he told me at my last appointment that I had gained 7 pounds in the past month and needed to really watch it. I knew it was bad. I weighed myself before I left. I was still pretty humiliated that someone had to verbally tell me that. Instead of being angry at him, I have turned it into motivation to NOT gain 7 pounds this month. I did not go home and eat a bag of M&M's to make myself feel better. I started planning how I could avoid gaining weight.

Which bring me to another subject. Have you read the blog "Banks Lee and the 3 clicks?" I started reading it after Yahoo did a story on him. Apparently he went to the new Harry Potter park and could not fit into a seat for a new ride. Instead of getting mad, he has gone on a diet and has a goal to ride the ride by the end of the year. I think it's great that instead of getting mad at Universal, he's used this as motivation to lose weight and is trying to inspire others along the way. It's a good lesson to not blame others for our own actions. We put ourselves in the position we are in. Nobody held a gun to my head and forced me to eat "junk" food. I did that all by myself and now I have to get myself out of this mess. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do it.....

I wonder why the majority of my favorite bloggers are all taking time off from blogging right now. Is it because it's harder to lose weight during the Summer and they don't want to admit they aren't doing well? Is it because they are so busy and active that they don't have time to blog? I miss them. I draw inspiration from them. It's funny how I think I really "know" these people when I have never met them. I wonder what they are doing and how they are doing. Pretty random thought I know, but I've just been wondering what's been going on.

So, my trip was not the great success that I'd hoped it would be. However, I did realize that I have an addiction to sugar. It's gotten worse. I went to my BFF's house in PA and we ate a lot of junk. The "junk" that we ate was mostly desserts. As far as the meals go, they weren't totally bad. I managed to balance my foods pretty well it was the sugar that took me overboard. I've read before that eating sugar (and sugar substitutes) just makes you crave more sugar. I never sat down to think about it much, but this past week has made me take a look at what I've been doing.

In about 3 1/2 weeks I will get tested for gestational diabetes. I would like to pass the test, but there is a small part of me that wants to fail so I am forced to control myself. I listen to this podcast and the guy always says the doctor is the "motivator of last resort" and it's so true. If a doctor tells me that I have to control my sugar intake or give myself shots, I'll bet I will start controlling myself. How sad is that? I am a grown woman. I am capable of controlling myself now. Why don't I?

This week I will. My goal for the week is to only have one dessert at night after dinner if I want it. I've been snacking on sugary stuff all day long for weeks now. It's pretty mindless when I grab a cookie and eat it. I think I also have to (sigh.....) start writing down everything I eat. I have success when I do that and I have no idea why I just can't force myself to do it. I was doing pretty well on WW when I did it. Isn't that enough for me to do it again?

I will give myself credit for not giving up. I am constantly thinking about ways to get back on track and I am still working out. I got home on Tuesday and worked out twice at the gym this week. I think there are some women who might just give up until after they give birth. I refuse to do that. I will keep fighting to stay healthy until this baby is born and then get back to my regular "diet" after that. I refuse to give up. I just have to find what works for me now and do it consistently.

And for anyone who might be reading this that is also a blogger, I miss you. Please come back!

I've been doing pretty well. I have my OB appointment in a week and a half and I've only gained 2 pounds this month. Lately I've just been eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full. Hmmm, why can't I do that all the time?

The one thing I've been reading lately is to eat smaller meals throughout the day. I haven't been doing that. I've been eating one really big meal for lunch and a light snack for dinner. It seems to be working for me. I know in other countries they have their main meal at lunch and supposedly it's supposed to be healthier. I can tell you that so far, for me it's true.

This is going to be a tough week for me. I'm leaving town on Wednesday to go to PA to visit my BFF. The one thing we have consistently had in common is that we struggle with our weight and eat whatever we want when we are together. I don't know how we got into this "rut" but it has defined our relationship. I love her, she's like a sister to me. She has always supported me in my weight loss efforts and I've supported her. But, when we get together we seem to have a "f*ck it" attitude and try our best to pig out. I have no idea why we do this.

If I can't control what I eat I will try to control how much of it I eat. Luckily I can't eat as much in one sitting because the baby is getting so big. I'm really going to try to not pig out the whole time I am gone. I'm going to be more conscious of what I put in my mouth.

One of the "joys" of pregnancy I forgot about is leg cramps. For those of you who have never had them, I hope you never do. About 6 am on Friday morning I was woken up by a leg cramp. The most intense pain I think I have ever felt, and I've had a baby. It usually only lasts for maybe 45 seconds (I am lucky in that they don't last longer) but it is 45 seconds of pure hell. My leg has been sore since then. It has slowly but surely gotten better. It feels about 90% better today. It felt good enough to go to the gym and walk, but if I keep getting these periodically, it's going to seriously impact my work out routine.

Have a safe and healthy July 4th weekend and don't eat too much!!!

It is nice to report that I've been happy with my progress lately. My daughter had THREE birthday parties to attend over the past weekend. She's at the age where I still have to stay with her for these parties. I ate about 4-5 cupcakes/pieces of cake over the course of the weekend. However, I have managed to work out. Because of that, I have only gained a half a pound over this past week. I've ramped up my work out and it's paying off.

I will be happy as long as I can maintain a slow weight gain or if I'm really lucky, no weight gain at all. I've only got 18 more weeks to go until the baby is due. I can hardly believe it. It feels like just yesterday that I was nauseas and finding out that I am pregnant. Time flies!

I've also been trying to work on my negative self talk. I see and hear other people doing it all the time. Especially when I am giving them a compliment. 100% of the time they say "No, that's not true" or "I sure don't feel that way" etc. WHY is it so hard for people to just say "Thank you. I feel great too" or something along those lines. I saw a friend today that has been dieting for a long time and she looked great. I told her so and she immediately said "Yeah well, I haven't been losing anymore weight" I'm going to work on saying "Thank you" when people give me a compliment. I'm going to try to believe it when people say nice things to me. Instead of going immediately to the negative, I'm going to try to go to the positive.

I'm also going to work on giving myself compliments. I am always telling myself how bad I look or how I don't do enough in pretty much every area of my life. I'm a good mom. I'm a good wife. Yeah, my house is not always spotless, but part of being a good mom is telling myself that the dishes or vacuuming can wait while I play with my daughter instead of clean.

Even though the week is half over, my goal is to give myself at least 3 compliments a day and appreciate myself a little bit more. Maybe if I start liking myself more I will want to take care of myself and dieting and exercising will come easier to me.

I worked out 3 times this week. That was my goal and I did it. I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I could have done more. My stomach really hurt for a few days there after I had the food poisoning, so I did what I could do and I'm proud of that.

Last night we ordered Chinese food and I came to a realization today when I woke up feeling like crap. I am so focused on eating foods that are lower in points or low in fat, that I'm not concentrating enough on eating healthy foods. I need to start eating cleaner foods. I need to start eating whole grains and fruits and veggies. If I concentrated more on eating healthy foods, the weight loss will follow.

I've been able to keep my portion sizes to a smaller size and I know the other basics of losing weight. This should be a no brainer for me. However, after all these years of dieting, there are lots of "shoulds" in my past. I should be at my goal by now. I should not have such a problem losing the weight. I've got the knowledge of how to do it for the most part. Now I just have to figure out why I'm not implementing that knowledge.

I was reading a book about autism and babies written by Jenny McCarthy. Without going into too much detail, it was kind of depressing and overwhelming. According to her I have already screwed up my unborn baby. I've eaten the wrong things, used the wrong products, even purchased the wrong furniture for my house! It scared me. It is very overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I think step #1 should be to clean up my diet. Less processed foods and more whole foods.

Maybe if I do this I will feel less sick all the time. It's not a nauseous feeling, it's feeling like a car that's running on crappy fuel. I'm not eating for nutrition anymore. I'm eating because of boredom, laziness and cravings. This has got to stop.

I guess the first place to go tomorrow is either Trader Joes or Whole Foods. We are lucky enough to have both within about a half an hour from my house.

My goals for this coming week are to work out at least 3 times and to clean up my diet so I'm eating more nutritious foods. Not lower in fat or calories, but higher in nutrition. Wish me luck!

Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I didn't gain any weight over this past Holiday weekend. The bad news is that I got a mild case of food poisoning and didn't eat much at all yesterday. I have a feeling that is what helped me not to gain weight.

Food poisoning is not fun to have when you are not pregnant, but when you are pregnant it can be a little scary. You get waves of pain in your stomach that feel like contractions. But, your stomach doesn't tighten up with food poisoning, it just hurts. I kept getting these waves of pain and half way through the day I started wondering if I was going into labor. Not a rational thought, but it was there freaking me out. I feel better today but still not 100%.

And, because it was pretty mild I was able to go to the gym yesterday. Not a great workout, but I moved my body for 45 minutes, 15 on the bike and 30 on the treadmill. I felt proud of myself although I know I didn't get my heart rate up very much.

My goal for June is to work out at least 3 times a week and to start doing my pre natal yoga DVD at least once a week. More if I like it. I just haven't taken the time to actually try it yet.

This week is my 20th week so I'm officially half way through this pregnancy. It seems like just yesterday I was freaking out because I found out I was pregnant. At least now I'm freaking out about what to do with 2 kids and not about how much weight I'll gain. I'm kind of over that feeling now. There are days when I'm so good and have done everything and the scale still goes up. It's going to do that. I'm growing a baby. There is some relief in knowing that it's out of my hands somewhat. I'm not saying I can eat ice cream all day long and just shrug and say there's nothing I can do about it. I'm just saying that even doing my absolute best with eating and exercise will not help me to lose weight because for once in my life, that is not the goal. It feels good to obsess about other things for now and not my weight.