I want to start by saying I read this blog and she's giving away stuff. Check it out:

http://tjstestkitchen.blogspot.com/2010/01/tjs-giveaway.html

I entered, you should too!!!

Now, onto the good part. I have lost FOUR pounds this week! I hate to say that my husband was right, but boy, oh boy was he right. I haven't been doing anything differently, except maybe only doing the strength training DVD's 3 times a week and cardio 5 times a week. I've added in every WW point for working out. I'm never hungry and I feel really good.

Yesterday, my BIL called to tell me that he and his daughter are coming into town today and staying the weekend. My daughter is so excited that her cousin is coming to stay. I am too, but I am also a little worried about my eating. I have a tendency to tell myself that it's a special occasion and I can go ahead and pig out.

They showed up today about 3 pm with a Cafe Mocha from Starbucks in hand. My niece knows I love them so what was I supposed to to do? I drank it. We also went out to dinner. However, this time I absolutely pigged out..... on the salad. My plan was to go in, fill up on the salad so I wouldn't eat the pizza that was coming. I had 2 pieces of pizza, which for me is pretty good. I had 25 points left for the day going into dinner as well as 31 flex points for the week, so I think I actually might be ok.

I did the LCW today and tomorrow I was going to take the day off, but I'm going to try to do cardio. I think it might help with all the calories I consumed today.

One thing I cannot figure out is when I see an improvement on the scale, I am happy at first and as the day goes on I think about ways to sabotage myself. It's not conscious, I just find myself thinking about the "bad" foods or wanting to "cheat." I would think that having a good day would make me want to eat healthy, but it almost has the opposite affect. I don't understand that at all. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. What am I scared of??

I have a few theories that I won't bore you with, but I need to figure this out. I've been thinking about a professional therapist. I've been in therapy before and actually liked it. I can't say that it helped me figure out any of my issues, but it was nice to talk to an impartial person about my life. I just wasn't getting anything out of it so I stopped going. It may be time to start again and get these things figured out once and for all.

FINALLY! I know it's not much, but I lost one POUND! I am soooo happy about that. I've been the same weight for 2 weeks now. I've been working my butt off and stupidly have not been eating all my points. Last weekend I corrected that and started following the plan as directed. I've cut back to working out 5 days a week. Today I was down a pound. To me, that's a lot.

It symbolizes to me that my plateau is over. As long as I stay on track, I should start losing again. I feel great.

Lately I've been thinking about maintenance and it scares the sh*t out of me. I read so many blogs where the people have gained some or all the weight back after losing it. My WW leader says to just deal with the fact that this is a life long thing. I have it in my mind that when my "diet" is over, I can relax and "just" maintain. Haha. How stupid is that? I need to come up with a plan eventually on how I'm going to do that.

I am going to hit my goal by the end of the year. It will happen. I don't want to sabotage my efforts because I'm afraid I won't be able to maintain my weight, so I need to come up with something. I just have a really hard time thinking that I'm going to have to do this the rest of my life. Does that mean it will constantly be on my mind for the rest of my life? When is it going to come more naturally to me and possibly easier? Will that ever happen or will it be a constant struggle? Frankly, I don't want to struggle the rest of my life. I can deal with the fact that I need to make healthier choices and I can never go back to how I used to eat. What I can't deal with is thinking that I will be 80 years old, sitting in my rocker thinking about brownies I can't have or pizza I can't eat. Will I ever just be able to relax and not dwell on my weight or the food I'm eating? I sure hope so.

This was my breakfast this morning. These Fiber One muffins are really good. I was skeptical at first, but OMG, they are good. I have an issue with the Fiber One bars. I love the way they taste, but they give me terrible gas. The muffins did not do that. A muffin is 3 points and totally worth it. I also 2 hard boiled egg whites so I got some protein to go with the muffins without adding my WW points.

The second picture is of a chicken stew I made for dinner. It's from the Weight Watchers Momentum Cookbook, pg 121. It's called "Best Ever Country Captain Chicken." It wasn't bad. It's 6 pts for a cup and a half. It has a sweetness in it from the raisins and the cinnamon. It was good, but I'm not sure if I'd make it again. My husband hasn't had it yet so if he doesn't like it, chances are I won't make it again.

I also made brownies for dessert. I got this tip at a WW meeting- take a box of regular brownie mix and add in 3/4 cups water and a can of rinsed black beans (don't use anything else. No oil or eggs). Now, I know that sounds strange, but they are really good. I rinse the beans and then puree them. I have tried it without pureeing, but I didn't like them. Someone said the beans take on the chocolate flavor, but I didn't think so. I thought they tasted like there were beans in the brownies. I got the brownie mix that has the added fudge in it so I think that added a point or two. I made them in an 8x8" pan and cut them into ninths. A brownie is 5.5 pts. However, you can either have a smaller piece or use a bigger pan to save on some points. They taste really good and you get the bonus nutritional value from the beans.

As far as exercise goes, I did The Shred DVD today and 20 mins on my stationary bike. I know I am healthier because I got through The Shred much easier than I used to. I remember the first time I did that DVD and I barely got through it. I did break a sweat today, but I wasn't panting and dripping with sweat like the last time I did it. Next time I do this workout, I'm going to go to Phase 2. I think I need more of a challenge.

This is one of my favorite meals. I've been making it a lot lately, Lots of veggies and just a little bit of rice. I also make my own sauce. I have a WW book called "Meals in 5 ingredients or less" and they have a recipe in there for stir fry shrimp. I don't always make that, but I make the sauce because it is a lighter version of bottled sauces. One thing I've noticed about eating healthy is everything has such a heavy sauce on it. Once you stop eating all that salt and sugar, it doesn't taste very good.

I did the LCW with the upper body sculpt today. I couldn't quit finish it. I would say I did about 95% of it and then had to stop. Some days I can power through just about any work out and other days I can't quite do it. I'm still proud of myself.

I was complaining to my husband today about the scale not moving. (Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to weigh myself anymore, but I just can't do it) He said to think about a plateau as you'd think about breaking out of prison. If you have a 10 ft wall to bust through, you don't know that you have 10 ft ahead of you. You just do the work and someday you will get through. I could be at 9 ft right now and will never know that I only have a one foot to go before I see the results I want.

I'm not anywhere close to giving up. It might be my imagination, but I see results on my body. I see the muscles forming, I feel how much easier doing push ups is getting. Shaving my legs while standing up in my shower stall is much easier. My clothes are fitting much better. I am making progress, just not on the scale. It will come. I know it will and I'm going to keep pushing myself to do more and more.

One more thing I started doing that might help. I am adding more veggies and fruits to foods I prepare. For instance, I added mushrooms and onions to my egg substitute this morning. I added pineapples to my stir fry last night. I am adding more filling foods to my meals so I won't be hungry an hour after I eat.

Another thing I wanted to mention is I've beaten the odds. Most people give up their resolutions by Jan 21. I haven't given up! I'm still going strong! It feels good to know that I've beaten the odds and still going strong!

Got back to the gym today and I've made a decision. (validated by Diana- thank you!) I am going to start adding in my exercise points and using my flex points. There are days when I am starving and don't eat. I can't do that. My body needs the extra food when I work out hard. Especially on days when I do the LCW. We went out to eat last night and I felt like I was cheating by using some flex points. I've got to get that out of my head.

My leader once told me that the weight watchers plan was different and instead of the weekly flex points, you'd just get 5 more points a day. The changed it and worked it so you could eat them all at one time or divide them over the week. I like thinking like that. It's like you bank those points each day and you can use them daily or all in one shot.

I need to get more people reading my blog. I was thinking about it today. I am convinced that people cannot see the mistakes they are making, but can clearly see other people's mistakes. I want to ask people who read my blog what mistakes I'm making. I read other blogs and think "Why can't they see what they are doing wrong?" We all know what we are supposed to do to lose weight. Why is it so hard to see our own mistakes we are making on our own journey? I think I figured out a big one with thinking that I can not eat all my points. I also need to be more meticulous about tracking, like with the restaurant last night.

I am watching the Hope for Haiti telethon right now and it is heart breaking. If losing weight is my only struggle in life, I will take it with open arms. Sometimes we need to put this in perspective and realize that losing a few pounds is not really *that* huge in the whole scheme of things. I look at my daughter and thank God that she is healthy and our home is intact and we don't have any major struggles. I obsess over what I eat and don't really think about the people who don't have food. I think about the clothes I wear and how I hate wearing a size 18 while there are people who don't have clothes at all. Sometimes we just need to put our struggles into perspective and realize that we have it pretty damn good.

I took today off from working out. I did clean my entire house, so one might consider that a work out. I don't. I'm trying not to feel guilty about not working out. I know my body needs at least a day a week to rebuild itself. I just hate not working out when I actually want to. My back has been bothering me since my last LCW, so I'm going to have to deal with taking the day off.

I also used some of my weekly flex points, which I don't normally do. It was probably not the best day to go over my points, but we had a babysitter and we wanted to have a nice, quiet dinner. I was very proud of myself. I ordered a salad (which ended up being 13 points!), a steak and veggies. I asked the waitress to ask that the veggies not be prepared in butter and they tasted like the were prepared properly. I really wanted the loaded baked potato, but I knew that I'd be happy with the veggies once the steak came. I was really mad about the salad. I looked up the points on DWLZ.com. I will have to double check, but I am pretty sure it said the chopped, pecan salad was 8 pts. I went to the restaurant thinking the salad was 8 pts. I came home and decided to double check the nutritional value on Outback's website, and guess what? The salad was 13 points! I was so upset at myself for not double checking it before I left! So, because of that, I had to use some of my flex points. I know that isn't really "cheating" but I feel like it is. It's one of those irrational thoughts I have in my head. I get 28 points a day, so shouldn't eating 24 points be better? Our leader always says no, but in my brain, I think that the less I eat the better.

Still not improvement on the scale but I did get validation in another way. I was walking through a store today and my pants were literally falling off. I just bought these pants before Christmas. I could not believe how loose they have gotten. I brought out the tape measure and my waist is .25" smaller than the last time I measured myself a few weeks ago. If I can get validation in other ways, I don't need the scale.

Jillian Michaels is trying to kill me. I'm on week #3 of LCW and OMG. I thought it would be a different work out, but it's not. It the LCW and the body sculpting workouts COMBINED. OMG. My first thought was "there is no way in hell I will be able to do this" Guess what? I DID IT! I have to work on my internal dialog. Why was my first thought of failure? I pushed through it and it was hard, but I did it. I am getting stronger and stronger each day. Why can't my brain comprehend that? Why don't I know that I can and will do it every time? I have never quit a work out. I might grumble and complain throughout the whole thing, but I do it.

I need to work on positive thoughts and build up my self esteem. I think that is the only way I will be able to lose weight and keep it off.

I am also putting away my scale. After much thought, I've realized that I need to learn to get validation from myself, not a machine. I don't give a damn what number I am on the scale. All I know is I am feeling great, stronger and stronger each day and that is all that matters.