Spring has sprung

Well, spring has not sprung where I live because it snowed here last night. I am SICK of the snow but hopefully this will be the last time.

Things have certainly changed since my last update. Tomorrow it will be six weeks since I was fired from my job. I have never been fired before and let me tell you, it's no fun. I just am SO thankful that we do not need my income to pay most of the bills. Yes, we have to tighten our belts now, but it's manageable. It is such a mind F*ck when you are fired. I had self esteem issues well before I got the job, but being fired just feeds into all of my insecurities. I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough, etc. When it comes down to it, it was just personality conflicts between my boss and I. We had a very hard time communicating because he could not say what he meant. So I would have to figure it out, and most times I was wrong.  I know in the end it was good because I was miserable, but it still hurts even today. I do have a job interview on Tuesday so hopefully this will boost my confidence a bit. I am looking for part time work and that is hard to find, so I have only sent in my resume to two places in the last six weeks. But I know that eventually I will land where I need to land.

I have also been in therapy for over a year now. My therapist has started a group for people with eating issues.  Once a month we meet and she talks about eating and why we eat and what we can do to stop eating etc. My whole view of food has changed. My ideas about "dieting" have changed. There is just too much to say about all I have learned, but right now I am practicing "intuitive eating." I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. Gee, what a concept. But, when I stop and think about why I'm eating and what I'm eating, it's pretty eye opening. Most times I ate I wasn't really hungry. And when I was, I ate WAY more then I needed too.

I think I hit a wall about a month or so ago. I was almost at my highest weight and nothing I was doing was working as far as dieting goes. I was just done. Done with counting carbs, calories, eating this but not that. I was just tired and overwhelmed. So when my therapist suggested intuitive eating, I thought "why not?" why not try it because nothing I was doing was working.

So I can up with a plan. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month. Seems totally doable right? But, when you are going through menopause and every pound you lose is like losing three (according to my doctor) then keeping it simple and doable seems like the right thing to do. I started the second week of March. I have lost 5 pounds. I am THRILLED with that. I am thrilled because I'm not "dieting" I am thinking about what I'm eating and why I'm eating and when I'm eating.

If I can continue down this path I will have lost 45 pounds by December 31. The time will pass anyway so if I do it slowly and not to painfully, I can actually succeed this time. I listen to this podcast by Phit n phat. I LOVE her. She cusses and is funny as heck but so realistic. I don't want to lose this weight again. I want to lose it ONE time and be done with this. I have worried about my weight and dieted for 35 years and I sick to death of it. I'm taking the  simple and common sense approach this time. Will it take longer? Yes it will. But, I'd rather take two years to do it right so I never have to do it again.

Happy 2019

Wow, it has been a long time. I wish I could say I've figured it all out and I'm down to 150 and the happiest I've ever been. The truth is, I'm almost at the heaviest I've ever been and I have nothing figured out.

I started therapy last year and damn, it's just hard. It's good, but hard. I have many issues I need to work through and it just takes a long time. Too long. But, I'm hoping it will all be worth it in the end and I will feel better about myself and even if I weigh 300 pounds I will be happy.

I've also had struggles with my job. I've tired so hard this past year to do this job and be happy and just take whatever comes, but it's just not working out. I have tried so hard to make it work and I really wanted it to work but it just isn't. So now I'm back to the drawing board in finding a job that suits me and my family.

My problem is I always come last. I put everything and everyone ahead of what I need. Because of this, I have no time or energy for what I need. I think a lot of mothers can agree with this. At the end of the day I have no energy to do anything that that I need or want to do. I still (after 13 years) have not figured it out and it's infuriating that I am still struggling with the things I have always struggled with. I turned 50 last year! WTF is my problem?

But, somewhere deep inside is a spark that has been ignited that I can and will figure it out. I don't know what it is. Maybe the new year, maybe some podcasts I've been listening to. Something has sparked and I believe this may actually be the year I figure it out.

We are surprising my daughter with a trip to Disney world. She will be turning 13 and she deserves a break. Last year she was diagnosed with arthritis. Not fun for a kid. She has taken it all in stride and deserves a trip where she can just have fun and forget about it.

We leave soon and when I get back I am 100% committed to making permanent changes. I can do this. We all can. We just have to decide that we deserve more. We are capable of doing more.

March Update

I can't wait for Spring to get here! We got snow today and I am starting to hate it. I'm tired of the cold, the snow, the icy roads and putting on a ton of clothes to go outside. I am done. It's funny because as I was driving to work this morning I thought that if I saw this snow in November or December I would think how pretty it is. But now I just loath it.

I am doing well on my diet. I kicked it up a notch these past two weeks and I am following the South Beach diet to a T. I'm only using recipes from the book and I am drinking a ton of water everyday and exercising at least 4 times a week. I have lost 14 pounds since Jan 1, which is more then my goal. I'm very happy about that.

But, today I was feeling a little sad and I've been a little sad for this past week. I think it's because I'm realizing that I can never go back to the way I was. I can never eat whatever I want whenever I want again. I can never drink as much wine as I want to drink. I will have to watch it for the rest of my life if I want to maintain my weight loss.  I can never just relax and do whatever I want as far as eating and drinking goes, and that depresses me a little bit.

I find great joy in the food I eat. Whenever I'm sad, I eat. Whenever I'm happy, I eat. I can't do that anymore and I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. I know I shouldn't be worrying about this yet, because I am far from my gaol weight, but this is affecting me now. I'm not feeling as happy as I used to be. I haven't worked any of this out in my head yet because I just realized this today.

I have had a few people recently ask me if I'm ok. I wasn't looking very happy or acting very happy and they were concerned. I had no idea I was coming across like that. I am an introvert by nature, so I am more reserved and quiet then most people, but I'm coming across as being miserable. I think that all of this is striking me at once and I'm not quite sure what to do. I don't feel as happy because I can't eat what I want to eat. I feel deprived at times. Not hungry, but kind of like a 5 year old that doesn't get what they want when they want it. I know I need to change all of this, but I just don't know how.

I know that this is a long process and I will figure it out, but I just don't want to go through all this work to lose the weight only to gain it back like I have in the past. I'm going to have to figure out an action plan so this time it sticks.  I will figure it out and I am NOT giving up, but just wanted to express all these feelings since they came up today.

Happy New Year!

Happy 2018! Yes, I know I'm a month late, but better late then never!!

I don't think you know this but, I am going to turn 50 this year. This is a big deal to me. I've decided to make this year the best one yet, and so far I am off to a good start.

My frist "resolution" (I hate calling it that but it is the best word to describe it) is to find my joy again. I've been so sad since my friend died. I am not letting this year go by feeling the same way.  I want to be happy again and I know it's a choice I have to make.

I do feel some guilt because trying to be happy and "moving on" is almost like saying I want to forget my friend. I will never forget her, but I have to try to move on and find my happiness. I have two kids and a husband who deserve a happy mom and wife. I'm not quite sure how to feel about the guilt, but I will work through it. I have to. I can't spend another year like I did last year, lost in grief and sadness.

My mantra for this year is going to be 50 by 50. I am going to lose 50 pounds by my 50th birthday. It is in September and if I lose 5.5 pounds a month, I will hit my goal.  5.5 a month sounds very doable doesn't it? Well, I can tell you that it isn't. I barely made my goal for January but I did it. I'm off to a good start for February but I have to work hard this month because it's my daughters birthday next week. Most people celebrate a day for a birthday, but in my family we do it up and stretch out the festivities. But, I can have fun without stuffing my face.

In January I just watched what I ate and worked out when I could. I have realized that I need more structure and I need to actually start following a plan. I think I have decided on the South Beach diet. For those of you that don't know what South Beach is, it's a low carb and low fat diet. I have done it before and know it works- if I do it. It won't be fun. I won't be able to eat what I want when I want, but my goal is more important then having a party in my mouth at each meal.

I refuse to go into my 50's the same way I went into my 40's.  I vowed to get healthy and never did. I'm tired of wasting so much time hating my body. I know, I should just accept my body for how it is now, but I'm unhealthy and miserable. I am in pain and achy all the time. My feet hurt and I have aches and pains everyday. I know if I got healthy, I will feel better and I am taking this year and doing what I need to do for ME. If that means saying no to things so I can work out, I will do it. If it means saying no to eating out because I have a hard time staying on track when I go out eat, I will say no. Somethings gotta give and I can't keep doing what I've been doing and expect different results.

#50x50 baby!!!

Well hello motivation... I've missed you

I hesitate posting this, but I am having a great f'ing week! I feel motivated and I feel good and it has been a long time since I have felt both those things at the same time.

I think it started when I went to see my OB last week. I was telling her about my symptoms of peri menopause and how I am feeling "off." After a long conversation she gave me an RX for some anti depressants to take between ovulation and my period. It seems my symptoms are worse during this time so she thinks it might help. But, she also stressed twice that losing weight and exercising would help the symptoms just as much as the pills. So, my wheels started spinning and I started to get a small spark of motivation.

Then I think it was Friday of last week I ran across a post on Facebook from a woman who has lost 100 pounds. I don't know her name but her Facebook page is phit to phat or something like that. I downloaded one of her podcasts and OMG! My mind was blown. She said everything I had been thinking. But, she put a no BS spin on it. For instance, she said not every meal has to taste good. Sometime you have to eat what you need to eat to hit your goal, and it might not taste good! Who would have thought that? I like to have a party in my mouth for every meal!

She also said you need to plan out your meals for the next 24 hours and STICK TO IT. Do not eat anything that isn't on your plan and written down. I started this past Monday. On Sunday I sat down and wrote out all my meals and snacks for the week. If it wasn't on the paper, I didn't eat it. And, since it was all nutritional meals and snacks I wasn't hungry all day long. I haven't really worked out a certain "diet" yet because my first step is to just write it all down and stick to it. I think I will do that next week and then figure out an eating plan.

Next week will be a tough week for me. My daughter turns 7 and the one year anniversary of my BFF's death is the same day. I have to get through the family meal for my daughter and then her big party for her friends and extended family. It will be hard resisting all the good food that will be around, but I can do it. I have control this time. It's not like I'm going to a party somewhere else. I can plan healthy food for myself because the party is here, at my house.

I just feel like my last few posts have been negative and I FINALLY feel good and wanted to share it. I will follow up after my daughters party and hopefully report that I stuck with my plan and I felt great. I have also decided not to drive myself crazy weighing in everyday so by that time I will have weighed in and will be able to report how much I've lost! Life is good!

Getting back on track

There is something about the first year after someone close to you dies. I'm not sure what it is, but everyone says "Just get through the first year and it will get easier." I kind of believe it because it does seem to get easier. After my friend died I cried everyday. But now, now I don't cry everyday. I cry about once a week. And I can finally smile a little and remember the funny times we had, and there were so many.

Here's the thing that really sucks. I'm not sure I said this in my last post, but my BFF died on my daughters birthday. I will never forget that morning. I got the call that she had passed away and she was still across the street and they were waiting for the coroner to come get her. I had to put a smile on my face, get the kids on the bus and then go say goodbye to her. I don't know how I did it. I remember breaking down and crying. I remember touching her hand and saying goodbye. I remember keeping her 6 year old busy while all the adults were saying goodbye. Then I remember calling cemeteries and trying to figure out where she would be laid to rest.  That was my job. I guess looking back it was good I was kept busy or I would have fallen apart.

Then when the kids got home from school I had to tell them she was gone. But, I had to try to keep it light so we could still celebrate my daughters birthday. Seriously, I look back now and have no clue how I did that.

So, if you are wondering why I am bringing this up it's because the one year anniversary is coming up. October 13. My daughters 7th birthday. I have decided that I will grieve on the 12th. In my mind that will be the day she died. That way I will not shed any tears on my daughters birthday for my friend. I am struggling not eat everything in site and justify it because I am grieving. I have done that for too long. I have used it as an excuse to eat like a pig because it makes me feel better.

The thing is, if my friend were here she would be SO mad at me. I had lost about 40 pounds before she died and she was so proud of me. She encouraged me everyday even though her body was ravaged by the cancer. She cheered me on when she was feeling crappy.  She always took the time to check in on me and tell me I was doing a good job.

Wow, this post has not gone where I thought it would go. I guess I needed to get that out. But, as far as my diet goes, I'm doing really well. Granted, it's only been a few days, but I finally feel like I am back on track. I am watching what I eat and I went to the gym today. I have a trip planned in December and I really can't see myself walking all day long at this weight. I won't be able to do it. Hopefully that will motivate me to keep going because I have been struggling for a reason to keep going.

I am feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I'm really hoping my next post will be full of motivation and happiness.

PS- on a side note- on that day my BFF died I was at her house keeping her daughter busy watching tv and playing with her waiting for the coroner to come. We heard a phone ring and her daughter said "Oh, that's my moms phone" I went to the phone to turn it off and it was dead. Draw your own conclusions but I feel like that was a sign from her saying goodbye.

What will be my rock bottom

I am still really struggling. This Summer has been hard with the kids home, working two jobs and watching an additional kid 2 days a week. All of these are my choices and I have again put myself last to make other people happy. I am a people pleaser and I need to stop.

I posted about my friend passing away last time and I watched her daughter 2 days a week this Summer just to help them out this first Summer without her. I don't regret it, it just made the Summer more difficult. Not because she's a problem, she's not, but because adding another kid in the mix just changes the dynamic and makes it harder.

As far as the two jobs go, I worked them because I felt bad leaving my old job so I stayed giving the boss more time to hire a replacement. He did not. I worked all those extra weeks for nothing. I think he thought I wouldn't really leave, but last Tuesday was my last day and I feel good about it.

I've just been thinking about all the things I do constantly for other people.  I'm not complaining,  I'm just wondering what it will take to stop putting myself last. I am literally killing myself by not taking care of myself.  I am at my heaviest weight and I feel like complete crap.  I ache all the time and physically just can't do the things I want to do.

What will be my rock bottom?  When will I finally say enough is enough and DO SOMETHING about my weight once again?  Will I get a diagnosis from my doctor that scares me into action? Will it be my husband saying something about my weight? (I highly doubt he ever will, he has always been supportive of me and loves me no matter what size I am)

I thought rock bottom was this past school year when my daughter who was in Kindergarten came home and told me her classmate said I was fat.  I felt horrible.  Not because of my feelings, but because of my daughters feelings. She looked a little embarrassed that this girl said this to her about her mom, who she loves more then anything.  I don't think it ever really occurred to my daughter that I am fat. I think she looks at me and sees "mom" not a fat person.  That all changed that day and there is absolutely nothing I can do about that.

But, it turns out that wasn't my rock bottom.  I have an unhealthy obsession with the show "My 600 Pound life" and these people need help with everything. Even going to the bathroom and bathing themselves. Will that be my rock bottom? When I am unable to keep myself clean? Will it get that far?  I don't know. I never thought it would get this far.  I never thought I would get this big.  And no, I am not even saying my weight. I am too embarrassed.

The kids go back to school on Tuesday and I have a plan in place to get back on track. My new job has better hours and I can get to the gym most days without a problem. I need to work on a menu for the week and get everything in place to be able to easily eat healthier foods. I am not giving up. I will never give up.  My kids deserve a healthy mom and my husband deserves a healthy wife. No matter what it takes I will give that to them, one day at a time.