Christmas has come and gone and I totally blew it. I've gained 5 lbs since December 1. I have enjoyed every bite though. My biggest concern right now if figuring out WHY I eat so badly. What is my pay off? There's got to be something other than chocolate tasting good. I want to be thinner. I want to be healthy. I've come too for to blow it now. I need to figure out why this is such a struggle and deal with it.

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and it seems like we are all going through the same thing. I just don't get it. I feel great when I'm losing weight. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I feel like shit right now. I feel sick to my stomach all the time and my acid reflux is worse than ever. How can that be a pay off? Whatever I'm getting from eating crap is obviously better to me than feeling good.

I think I need therapy. I've tried to find a therapist that specializes in weight loss and haven't been able to find one. I need to try harder. Food just makes me feel better. It does. When I'm feeling down, chocolate helps me. I feel good when I'm eating it. I just feel bad after I've eaten it. In 2010 I will figure it out. I might not be able to fix it, but I will figure it out. I've got to. I'm going to be 42 years old. It's now or never.

It's been too long since I've posted anything. Part of me knows nobody is reading this so why bother?

I haven't been doing well on my diet. BUT, I will say that I am not doing that badly in maintaining my weight. I started this month at 213 and yesterday weighed in at 215. I will work on losing those 2 lbs this week. I have just been gorging myself on sweets. They are all over my house and I put them there. I've got nobody to blame but myself. I participated in a cookie exchange today and brought about 2 dozen new cookies into the kitchen. Even if I don't eat them, my daughter and husband will which is not good for them either. I haven't been working out this past week either. I'm really hoping to get back to the gym tomorrow. It will be crowded because the kids are out of school, but I can force myself to go. Otherwise I will hit 220 before I know it and that would really be sad.

Except for a few cookies my eating today was not bad. My husband felt so bad after eating pizza last night that I promised him a healthy meal tonight. I made chicken stir fry. It was really good. Much better than any pizza I could buy. I need to keep that in mind. Healthy food makes me feel so much better after I've eaten it.

I am really looking forward to Christmas. My daughter is so excited that Santa is coming and her excitement is contagious.

I survived Thanksgiving, but just barely. I feel sick today. I ate too much "bad" food. I drank too much alcohol. My body is not used to being so unhealthy and after a few days of eating and drinking "bad" things, I'm feeling the affects today. I really hope I do better over Christmas. I had my family in from out of town so I have much more food in the house than I'd normally have. I won't have that problem during Christmas so I should be able to control things a bit more.

Today I just feel like sitting around and doing nothing. I will be back on track tomorrow, but for today, I'm just chilling out and doing nothing. I'm trying to force myself to work out, but I just don't have it in me today. I will be able to work out everyday this week though so it won't kill me to take today off.

I just had pizza again for dinner but this time was a whole different experience than late time.

Last weekend I decided to wipe the slate clean and start over. I sat down and wrote out menus and shopping lists for the week. I wrote out 3 goals:

1- Drink at least 8-8oz glasses of water a day

2- Track everything I eat even if I do go over my points

3- Work out at least 5 times

I weighed in last Sunday at 215. I haven't been that high in a while. I started the week off great. I did everything I was supposed to do. My daughter was just getting over the flu so I didn't want to take her to the gym. I worked out 5 times at home. Sometimes I did work out DVD's and other times I just walked on my treadmill. I stuck to my meal plan and felt great all week.

I think the most important change was I decided not to weigh myself everyday. It just wasn't working for me. I decided that this week I'd weigh in at WW on Wednesday night and then not weigh myself at home until Saturday, which was today. It was killing me, but I did it.

I got up this morning a little scared to get on the scale. But, I did it and the result was 210.5!! I lost 4.5 pounds this week! I was and am SO HAPPY.

The pizza was a planned meal using my 35 flex points. I am in no way saying f*ck it this time. I planned it out and happily ate every bite. I'm not going to weigh myself again until next Friday morning. Friday is my 10 year wedding anniversary and we are going out to dinner to celebrate so I didn't think it would be a good idea to weigh in on Saturday morning.

I feel really good and energized about the way I've been doing things this week. I've had 2 people tell me how great I look and today I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I tried on 2 pairs, one was a size 18 and the other was a size 16. (I thought i had grabbed 2 18's but one was actually a 16) The 16 fit better than the 18! I was shocked and thrilled. I feel really good about myself lately and I think that is helping immensely with my success. Next week will only be better and I will be firmly under 210 by Friday!!!!

I have rededicated myself to weight loss. I got off track somewhere along the lines and I needed to get back on track.

About 2 weeks ago I was at my Weight Watchers meeting and the leader asked a question about weight loss. The question was something like "What do you deserve when losing weight" and someone said "You deserve what you put into it" That really got me. I have been making a half assed attempt to lose weight for a while now. Why should it surprise me that my results are half assed? Seriously, do I want to spend the rest of my life losing weight? Shouldn't I just want to lose the weight and move on with my life and learn how to maintain my weight? How long am I going to be doing this to myself?

So, I've decided that November is going to be a big weight loss month for me. I'm not going to set any goal other than maintenance for December, but I still have three weeks before Thanksgiving gets here. I can certainly lose weight in that time. Thanksgiving is only one day, not a whole month. I do have family coming in from out of town, but I can still do it. I've done it now for 2 days. I've stayed within my points and I've worked out.

I've also made the decision not to weigh myself every day. I listen to a podcast and Scott always insists that weighing yourself everyday works. I don't agree. Especially last week. I was doing ok but I kept gaining and gaining each day. I finally thought "Screw it, nothing I'm doing is working" and I ate and continued to gain. I think there are too many factors in weight fluctuating each day to think that whatever number it says is accurate. I'm going to weigh myself once a week. When I get to maintenance mode I will reconsider a daily weigh in because you can do a lot of damage in a few days. If I see the scale creeping up I will know to scale back my food intake. But for now, I need to find what works for weight loss. Maybe this will be it.

Yesterday, November 1, my weight was 215. We'll see what it is this weekend. I'll keep you posted.

I am getting ready to have pizza for dinner. Yesterday morning I was 210.5. This morning I was 213.5. I had pasta yesterday, and we went to a Polish diner at the local AmVet's hall. Something we've never done before, but wanted to try. I said to myself "Fu*k it, I'll get back on track tomorrow." I know I will get back on track tomorrow, Mondays are usually great days for me, but why am I giving up today? I haven't worked out in 5 days. I've had an unusually busy week with no time to work out. That is why I am in my fu*k it mood. I should work out today. I should have a salad or chicken breast for dinner. FU*K IT! I'm gettin' the pizza and enjoying every bite!

I've been doing ok lately. Just ok. I'm back to my pre Disney weight and that makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy is the speed at which I am losing weight. I feel like I am working so hard at this (most days) and I should be seeing more progress on the scale.

A friend of mine just joined Weight Watchers and she lost 5 lbs her first week. She only has about 15 to lose total. I was really jealous. I've never had a 5 pound loss in one week! I think 3 is my highest and I've got another 40 lbs to lose!

I know I'm doing it the right way this time. I know "slow and steady wins the race." I know all of this in my head, but my heart still breaks when I see that I've only lost one pound in a week.

I have also been very busy this week and haven't had enough time in my day to exercise. I've worked out twice so far this week and tomorrow isn't looking good. Maybe Saturday, but I have a baby shower to go to so I'm not sure if I'll find the time. Last week I worked out SIX times. This week it might only be 2, 3 if I'm lucky. I actually took Sunday off thinking that my week looked pretty clear so I should have had time to go to the gym every day. Boy, was I wrong! I guess I've learned that I need to always take the opportunity to work out when I have it, because you never know what will come up the following day.

I've made some pretty good choices this week and I've done good overall. I need to stop dwelling on what I haven't done and start thinking about all the good things I have done. There have been lots of good choices this week. I've had to eat out a few times and I've made good choices and haven't overeaten. Why do I still feel like I could have done so much more? Why do I have to be so hard on myself? Why can't I celebrate my successes, even if their small ones? Why are the failures thought about so much more than the successes? These are all things that I need to think about and try to figure out so I don't make the same mistakes I've made in the past.

I know I'm kind of rambling today. I feel "off." Maybe a little sad. I took my daughter to a play date today and nobody talked to me. I tried to make small talk and talk to the other moms I didn't know, but they all knew each other and were in their own conversations. I felt like I was in high school again. All I could think of was "they probably don't like me because I'm fat" It's so ridiculous! I hate feeling this way. I'm not a bad person. I'm just shy and don't really approach people I don't know very often. I'm going to stop now. I could just ramble on and on and on and on........ but I won't. Not tonight.