Well, things could be better but they could be worse. I started this year with a goal of losing one pound a week. Sounds like a no brainer huh? Well, not exactly. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost a lot either. I'm kind of just maintaining but I'm getting out what I'm putting in which is basically nothing.

I could give a bunch of excuses as to why this has happened, but it really comes down to time and priorities. I haven't made it a priority and my time has been taken up by other things. I know this and I accept this but that doesn't mean I'm going to continue on like this.

I'm not really a "religious" person but I have found a Church that is non denominational and uses humor and common sense to explain the Bible. Last week there was a talk about "worshiping false Gods." I never knew it, but I am guilty of this. My "false God" is the scale. I wake up and the firs thing I want to do is get on the scale. Then, depending on the number I see, I decide my mood for the day. I'm done. I'm sick of doing that and I shouldn't let a damn number decide anything. So I came up with a new plan.

Starting Wednesday (beginning of Lent) I am not going to get on my scale for 40 days. I am also going to start Weight Watchers. Honestly, after all these years (not every year since I've been a kid) of giving up things, I think this is going to be the hardest. I'm not going to be getting that validation from the scale  and that is going to be hard.

I know Weight Watchers, and I've been successful doing the WW program. I think I'm just going to do the online program because I have never really found accountability going to the meetings. I'm not really an outgoing person so I just sit there, listen and leave. I've never really found a support group at the meetings so I'm going to try it this way. One of my BFF's has just started the program so we will do it together, but she has all of 15 pounds to lose. I have much more than that to lose.

I'm excited to start this. There are a few reasons I'm waiting until Wednesday. One thing, it's symbolic of the whole Lent thing. Instead of getting on the scale I'm going to start my day reading a Bible verse or daily devotion or something along those lines. I'm going to see how my days go doing this instead of getting on the scale. Also, my daughter turns 7 this weekend and we have a big party as well as other dinners to celebrate. While I'm not planning on going crazy, I'm also realistic and know that it's not the best time to start something new. I'd like to say I'm going to be strong and can resist all the food that will be before me, but that's not gonna happen.  I will make healthy choices when I can, but I will eat cake.

I will try to update once a week, although I won't reporting numbers of pounds lost. Maybe I will start looking for other "NSV's" (non scale victories) I can report. I'm looking forward to something new that doesn't involve numbers. I'm also not saying I will never get on the scale. Lent only goes until Easter so  I will be weighing in after that. I'm just hoping this will teach me it's not ALL about the numbers and more about how I feel.

Happy New Year 2013

I don't even know why I'm still writing. I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but I guess in some way it's accountability for me. Although, most times I write, I feel like a failure because I don't really succeed in my weight loss. I have good intentions, but following through is another matter.

I was looking through some papers I ran across today from 2009. I weighed exactly the same in that year as I do now. I was a little bit shocked because here we are, 4 years later and I'm exactly in the same spot. I've struggled so much, worked so hard and look where it's gotten me. Exactly nowhere! Well, I guess I should cut myself some slack because I have a had a baby in that time.

I wasn't going to start off this post on such a negative way, oops. I'm really in a decent place right now. Yes, I've gained a little weight over the holidays and my pants are tight, but I really feel optimistic that I can turn this around. I know I can turn it around. I think I've come to the realization that I just haven't found what works for me. There's got to be something out there that will work for me long term. Other people do it all the time, they lose weight and keep it off. What makes them so special?

I have always had it in my mind that people that succeed with losing weight have something I don't. Oprah has buckets of money and people who cook for her. People on The Biggest Loser go to the ranch and can devote all day to losing weight. However, there are people all over the world that are at home, like me and succeed. So why can't I seem to do it? Well, I think part of it is I'm looking for an easy way out. I'm looking for a pill to take, or something just as easy.

Maybe I've finally realized that this isn't something I will do and then succeed at and be done. I will struggle with my weight my whole life. I am a food addict. That won't go away once I lose weight. As a matter of fact, I think it will be worse because I'll tell myself "I deserve" it since I have lost the weight. Like many people I have made New Years resolutions for myself this year. My goal is to get to "onderland" by the end of this year. To do that, I have to lose 2 pounds a MONTH. Can I do that? Hell yes, no question about it. Usually I start off the year wanting to 50+ pounds. Probably for the last 4 years I've had that goal. This year is different. This year I am realizing that what I've been doing isn't working. Something has to change. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to change how I approach weight loss, but I need to figure out what will work for me.

I also need to figure out why I allow myself to eat too much, feel crappy all the time and accept this behavior from myself. Why do I sabotage myself when I start doing well? What am I afraid of if I lose weight? I have my theories but I need to figure it out and get over it. I have no answers right now, but my goal is to figure this out. To at least start trying to figure it out. I need to find what works and I don't want to waste another year doing what I know doesn't work.

I want to be able to write a blog on January 1, 2014 and actually say I did what I resolved to do. I know I can do it!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sometimes I just dread writing because I am SO tired of the roller coaster. I see now why some people just give up trying to lose weight. If I could be happy with my body just the way it is, I would give up. However, I am unable to do that. I want to get healthy, I want to get strong. I want to be here for my daughters when they grow up and have kids of their own. We started having kids late so I'm already racing against the clock to do that. I know it won't happen if I don't get healthy.

I have been working out off and on at home, not the gym. I let the guilt get to me when I dropped my 2 year old off and she would cry day after day. I started wondering why she just wasn't getting used to it and I think I let myself believe that they just aren't taking care of the kids the way they used to. I am seriously considering suspending my membership to save money. Why am I paying for a gym I don't go to? I am worried that if I do that I won't leave the house much this winter. I don't want to go into a depression because I am at home with a 2 year old day after day and not going out at all in the ice and snow.

It just boggles my mind that I can be doing SO well, just so motivated, full of energy and resolve to get this weight off. Then BAM, one day it just all stops and I totally go the opposite direction. I have gained about 3 pounds in this past week. I know if I don't do something about it right now that 3 will turn into 10. Then what?

I don't want to say I don't care, because I do care. I just don't feel like I have the energy right now to actually do anything about it. With the holidays coming and our family hosting 2 separate dinners, I'm just consumed with getting things done, buying stuff and getting the house ready. Working out and even eating well are not even on my list right now, let alone a priority.

I'm also still really sad about the shootings last week. I have a 6 year old daughter. She is the age all those kids were that were shot and killed. I find myself looking at her thanking God that I still have her but then I'm consumed with sadness for those parents who don't have their kids. I can't even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm sure that has something to do with this funk that I'm in.

I have to keep in mind that this is temporary. I go through these low points and then pick myself up, brush myself off and continue to get healthy. I just hope I do that before the 3 turns into 10 or worse. There are days that I'm convinced I am gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. I have probably lost 100's of pounds if I were to count up all the 2 pound, 3 pound, 4 pound losses. Then I regain that and lose it all over again.

All I want for Christmas is the magic pill that will enable me to lose 50 pounds without much effort. Ok Santa? Did you hear that? I've been a good girl. Please and Thank you!

Things have changed a bit for me as far as the gym goes. I have started using those free sessions I won months ago and OMG, it's SO hard. She has trained me twice and both times by the end I have felt like I was going to throw up. I honestly don't know how the people on Biggest Loser do it. I really don't think I could work out for 6-8 hours a day.

I have also resisted doing the cardio fit test they offer at the gym. What it does is identify what your heart rate needs to be for your body to burn fat. You can work out for an hour and burn muscle or sugar instead of fat. I was really get tired of working out and not losing weight. This test has changed everything. I have not been working out close to what I need to in order to lose weight. I thought I was working out hard, but I wasn't. This is making me aware of how my breathing needs to be in order to be burning fat. I also get 16 weeks of work outs emailed to me 4 times a week so I can build up my cardio resistance. It's like wearing a coach on your wrist. I have to watch my heart rate and see which zone I'm in to know when I'm burning fat. I am glad I finally invested the money and did the test.

I am still working on getting my diet on track. That has proved to be difficult with Halloween last week, but I'm getting there. My goal is to at the very least maintain during the holidays but I feel if I can make small changes in my diet I may actually lose weight. I'm still working on that part though.

I have been stagnate for a while now. I am doing great with working out and not so great with my eating. There's a few factors at play there. I've been having some issues with my husband and food makes it all better. Either that or shopping. Eating is cheaper.

I actually started therapy 2 weeks ago. I have lots of issues to work on but right now we are starting on low self esteem and my weight. We haven't gotten into the weight issue a ton yet, but I'm looking forward to fixing what's in my head so I can stop stuffing my face.

I am optimistic that this week will be the beginning of a healthy lifestyle. I am starting training with a trainer at the gym and I am also investing in a heart rate monitor and watch. This will give me 12 weeks of weight loss work outs which will take me through the holidays.

One of the reasons I haven't been going to the gym is my 2 year old. She still cries when I put her in the daycare. It is frustrating for me because I start out each work out feeling guilty for leaving a crying baby in the daycare. But, I also know in my heart that I need to make time for ME so I can be a good mom for her. It's such a struggle each day. Having that as an excuse has kept me from going at times. It is so frustrating to want to go  but that guilt creeps in and I just don't want to put her through that.

I just want to come on here and say I've done so great and I've lost 20 pounds and all is well. Unfortunately it's not like that. Life gets in the way and knocks us off track and at times it's very hard to get back on track. But, I will say that I'm still trying. As long as I have a breath in my body I will try to be be healthy. I want to live for my girls. I grew up without a mom and I refuse to do that to them. So as long as I keep trying I think that's a success regardless if I lose weight or not.

I really need to get back to updating this blog on a regular basis. I know not many people read it, but it's cathartic for me to get my feelings out.

I'm going to start with something not related to my diet at all. I spent the last weekend in Lily Dale, NY. It's a town full of psychic mediums that talk to dead people. I know it's pretty "out there" but the weekend was awesome. I met my BFF who lives in a different state and was able to have a kid free, husband free weekend. Boy did I need that.

Whether I believe in psychics or not, I did realize that at the very least they can give some very good advice. I was told by 2 different psychics that it's time to let go of some things I've been holding onto for years. I'm talking 30 years here, so some pretty big stuff.  I know to be able to live a healthy life I need to let go of some of the anger and other emotions from my childhood but I just don't know how to do it yet. I need to think about it and figure it out.

I guess this really is related to weight loss because I know that some of these issues are probably contributing to me being overweight today. For instance, my dad left when I was very young and pretty much abandoned me. I know I've always felt scared that other people will do the same so I never really trust people 100% because of that. I think that if I keep the weight on, it's kind of like a shield between me and other people as a protection I have built around me. This is just one example of what I've been thinking about these last few days.

I have a lot to work on both emotionally and physically. As far as how my diet is going right now, I've put on 4 pounds. Over the course of a month, over the summer, with both kids home, I don't think that's horrible. We are on the go each and every day. Some days it's hard to plan meals ahead of time and I have just gone through a drive through and gotten whatever the kids want. However, I do know that I don't take that decision lightly anymore and really think about the best option. I don't mindlessly order a double cheeseburger and chalk it up to busyness.

One thing that I've gotten away from doing that I need to do again is to start journaling my food intake. At least then I will know what I am consuming and can make informed choices. For instance, yesterday I had a burrito from Taco Bell. It's their new Cantina menu. I was thinking about 500 calories, but when I got home and actually looked it up, it was 730 calories! I would have NEVER gotten that had I known that. I need to make sure I have all the information before I order food.

I am slowly getting back to going to the gym again. I got out of the habit of working out since I went on a few trips, but now I'm back. School starts for my oldest in 2 weeks so I will get back into a routine of planning meals and working out. She will be in school all day now so I have no more excuses.

I'll write more about my readings and what I was told would happen in my life. For now, I have a poopy diaper to change. Lucky me!

I have been doing great! I am SO happy to say that I've been sticking to my diet and I've also been working out at home. I drop my daughter off at school, put the baby down for a nap and head to my basement where my treadmill it. It's so nice having a new one that works so well and I actually look forward to using it. Right now I am having Jillian Michaels train me with the ifit so I think I work harder than I would on my own.

I realized the other day that I have lost 20 pounds since Jan 1. I guess I didn't know I weighed as much as I did at the beginning of the year. I found the paper I used to keep track of it. Here we are half way through the year and I am not quite where I thought I would be, but come on? How can I be unhappy at losing 20 pounds? I'm not unhappy at all, as a matter of fact I am ecstatic.

I feel so much better now than I did even a month ago. I have more energy, usually sleep better etc. I was talking to a friend about this and I don't understand why this is so hard. I feel SO good when I am being good. What makes me stop being good? Right now when I think about eating fatty or unhealthy foods it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I know I have been here before though and I have slipped back into my old ways. I don't know what's different this time, but I just hope it stays with me.

I have made a new deal with my husband. We are going to Disney World in September. I'd like to have lost 30 pounds by that time. (When we made this deal that was 2 pounds a week which is totally doable) He will give me $10 for each pound lost and if I do hit the 30 pounds I get an additional $100 for spending money. Ok, I know it's all "our money" so it technically doesn't mean much, but it's the challenge. Usually when we go on vacation I spend our money on the kids. I needed some kind of goal and I needed some kind of reward. So far this seems to be working. I have lost 6 pounds which means I get $60 no matter what at this point. If you've ever been to Disney, $60 will buy you a sweatshirt. I am a little bit behind with my 2 pounds a week but my niece has been here since last week so it's a bit harder to maintain a healthy diet. I'll just have to make it up once she's gone.