I'm still plugging along with my diet. My exercise is pretty much non existent right now, but the diet is just going "OK." It could be much better, but at least I'm not gaining weight.

I have been shocked lately at how easy it is to slide back into old habits. I am back to needing just a little something sweet during the afternoon. I had broken that habit for a while, but I've gotten lazy. That's really the only thing I can say, I've gotten lazy. I have to be vigilant and I'm not right now. I know why too. I'm leaving next week to visit family and friends in PA and VA. I'm not going to be dieting then. I know it and they know it. So, I keep thinking "Why bother?" Why knock my self out before the trip knowing that next week I'm going to blow it.

I'll tell you why, because I don't want to gain any weight. I want to at least maintain. I can't do that if I'm eating junk in the afternoons. I don't really feel defeated right now, I just know that I can do better.

Last week I went to a charity event at my daughters school. I entered a raffle and won 4 personal training sessions with a female trainer at my gym! I keep thinking that will get me back on track but I can't see her until after my trip. So right now I'm thinking it's all going to start happening after my trip. I know I shouldn't think that way, but I do.

I just wanted to check in and say I'm not doing great, but I haven't given up. I will NEVER give up! I guess that's the most important thing right??

All I can say is I'm ROCKIN' my diet. I've lost 12 pounds so far. In the past that would annoy me. "Only" losing 12 pounds after about 6 weeks, but I'm just excited now. I can see into the future and know that if I keep this up I WILL be at my goal by the end of the year. As I'm getting older these years are flying by anyway so what's a few extra months?

I have tweaked my diet a little. I am not only counting calories but I'm counting carbs. I'm trying to keep them under 100 a day. Some days that's not easy, but I'm doing it for the most part. My daughters 6th birthday was 2 weeks ago and we had 3 parties for her. That meant 3 days of birthday cakes. I had small pieces and threw the rest away. I also cut out calories on other things those days so I didn't feel bad eating that cake. I'm planning on going out to dinner with friends tomorrow night and I know I will have no problems getting back on track on Saturday.

I think I'm planning much more this time than in previous attempts to lose weight. It's so strange but this hasn't' felt like I've been on a diet for 6 weeks. I think my body is getting used to the smaller portions and not as much sugar and fat. I feel like I'm in a better mood too which is strange. Usually diets cause bad moods, but I am physically starting to feel better which makes my mood better.

The only thing I am not doing is exercising. I really need to start doing that. I don't want to work hard to lose weight and then then have flab all over my body. The baby is slowly but surely starting to get better around strangers and I just have to force myself to leave her in the daycare at the gym. We've all been sick for weeks so that was an easy excuse. We are all better now so I need to just force myself to go.

I know I need to blog more. I don't even have an excuse this time. I actually think about things to say all the time, I just don't sit down and do it.

So, I am not going to say I haven't blogged because I've been doing terrible because that's NOT TRUE this time. I am doing AWESOME! I hate to say this, because we all know how these things can come back around to bite us in the ass, but for some reason this time I "get it." I get that this is a lifestyle change. I get that I have to record everything I put into my mouth to be successful. I get that I can't eat like I was eating and lose weight. I just get "it" and don't feel deprived.

I have no reason why either. I'm just doing what I need to do. There are times when I do eat badly, but I get right back on track the next day. Like last night for instance. I went to a friends house for dinner. She had pizza and that was it. No salad, no fruit, nothing healthy. So, I took it as a "cheat night" and ate the pizza and today I am back on track. It is a bit harder once you eat like that to get back on track, but I did it.

I've been averaging about 1200 calories day in my eating. I just load my plate up with veggies and limit the protein to a smaller portion. But, my goal is really 1500 a day so if I go over that 1200, it's ok. I'm good with that.

The BIG thing I've done that I've never in my life done before is to eliminate drinking pop. (Yes, in Michigan we call soda- pop) My goal was to cut down to one diet pop a day and I was doing that. But, my rule is I can't drink pop until all my water is consumed for the day. So if I'm slow at drinking the water, I don't get the pop. I realized after a few days that I hadn't had pop for about 4 days and was amazed that I didn't even miss it. I never in my life thought I'd give it up. But again, if I'm out or at someone's house, I'll drink it. I haven't cut it out completely, but for the most part I don't drink it anymore.

I honestly don't know what's caused this change in me. I don't know why I'm doing so well and not hating every second of it. At the beginning I did. I was in a terrible mood the first few days but that feeling went away.

The next thing I need to work on is exercise. I'm just not doing it. I can't seem to find the time. I get about an hour and a half a day while the baby is napping and I think other things are more important to do. I know there will come a time when I want to work out so I'm not sweating it just yet. I am just thrilled that my diet is going so well.

So (drum roll please) I've been on this diet for just over three weeks and I've lost EIGHT pounds! Yes, that's right!!! I am so happy about that. My goal is to lose 50 by the end of the year which is only one pound a week. I sent a very achievable goal because at the end of the year when I weigh 175, I won't care that it took me the whole year to lose the weight. I will just be so happy that I got there. Right now I am 4+ weeks ahead of schedule.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! For all my whining the last post I can say that I managed to maintain my weight over the holidays. From Thanksgiving to New Years I weighed the exact same which is really good considering how I was feeling. It is a higher weight but I'm so glad I didn't put on an additional 10 pounds.

I am on day #3 of a new healthy me! I started tracking my food and drinking more water. I figured out my BMR which tells me how many calories my body needs just to stay alive at this weight. I deducted 500 calories per day so with diet alone I should lose a pound a week. If I add exercise in there, I will lose more weight. I don't have the exact numbers with me but deducting 500 calories a day put me at around 1800 calories per day. That's a lot. I can easily stay around 1500 and feel satisfied for the most part with what I've eaten for the day. By doing that I can lose almost 2 pounds a week with diet alone.

For the last 3 days I have eaten about 1500 calories per day. I can't say I'm "happy" with what I eat. I've created some really bad habits over the last 6 months that are going to take some time to break. I'd been stopping at McDonalds and getting a Mocha Frappe. The calories in that drink are obscene. I can feel myself wanting to drive there and get one, but there is no way I can lose weight and drink those at the same time. I would also treat myself to something sweet after each meal. That has to stop as well. It's ok if I allow myself something small each day, but that's it. Not a few times a day.

I guess what got me motivated was my niece being here over New Year's. My husband got "me" the XBOX 360 with Kinect for Christmas. (I have yet to use it but he's gotten really good at Call of Duty) Anyway, my niece asked me if I'd join her dance party with my daughter one evening and I didn't really answer her. I didn't end up dancing with them because I had no energy. I just couldn't believe that I'd become one of those moms who can't even play with their kids. I will not allow that. I WILL lose this weight so this Summer my kids will have a hard time keeping up with me. I will only have a few years with my kids being small and wanting to play with me. It's not too late to turn things around. At least I hope so.....

I know I haven't been posting. The reason is because I'm not doing well. I had a really awful thought today. I read and follow the anti Jarred and he is constantly posting about how he lost over 200 pounds. Sometimes I think he talks about it too much. I just want to tell him "Yes, I know you've lost 200 pounds. Can you write about something else?" Anyway, he wrote something like if he could do it, anyone could.

My awful thought was "no, I can't. Those people who do it must have something I don't." How self defeating is that? To honestly think I can't do it? Where do I go from there? How do I begin to start something when I don't think I can do it? To be honest, I can't. I have to get it in my brain that I can do it before I even try. It's hard enough to diet and exercise, but when you have a voice inside your head telling yourself you can't do it, you won't. It's just not possible.

I need to mentally get back to a good place. I have been very overwhelmed with the kids. I don't know how people do it with more than 2 kids. I have such a hard time keeping it all together with just the two. I know it will get better in time. It has gotten better now that Macy is over 1 year old, but I don't want to wait another year.

I feel like shit right now. Physically, I don't even want to admit this, but I get out of breath going up a flight of stairs. My husband commented on it the other day when I carried something downstairs and was out of breath. Really? He had to say something? Doesn't he know how disgusted and embarrassed I am to be in this shape? I don't need him pointing it out to me.

I am still using the baby as an excuse to not go to the gym. She does terrible when she is there, but it's only because I take her for a day, she cries and I don't take her back. Once we both get into a routine it will be fine.

I know that I am a lucky and blessed person. I have 2 healthy kids, I am relatively healthy considering my weight and I have a good marriage. I've heard a lot of bad news about people and their situations lately that are much worse off than I am. I feel guilty whining and crying about things that aren't that big of a deal.

I know this post is scattered but I need to get back to posting. At least if I know I am accountable to this blog, maybe that will help me do something. One of my Christmas presents from my husband (the only thing I really wanted) was a day off. A day where I can go do what I want without the kids. That day was supposed to be tomorrow but the way things are shaping up I might not be able to do it. Anyway, the only thing I want to do is go to the gym. If I can go alone, have a nice long work out without being worried about getting called to the daycare, that might just be enough to get me motivated. That will be my first step. Tomorrow I will work out. I need to take it one day at a time and stop looking at it like one HUGE thing I need to accomplish. Tomorrow I need to go to the gym. That's it.

Happy New year! Maybe everyone be blessed with good health and all the love they can handle in 2012!!!

I am back from Tennessee and ready to get back on track. I gained 2 pounds while I was gone and fully expected that. We stayed at someone's house and apparently this person doesn't eat lunch. They eat breakfast and dinner. However, since we were in the "guest apartment" we never knew when they were actually making breakfast so we missed it everyday. We'd end up eating a bowl of cereal which did not hold me over until breakfast. The only reason I am bringing this up is because we ate out everyday for lunch. I didn't make great choices, although I didn't make awful ones either. Because of that I think I was holding water because of the sodium. I was up 4 pounds yesterday but lost 2 of this yesterday so I don't think it was an actual gain of 4 pounds.

I am a HUGE Dr Phil fan and yesterday on yesterday's show he was endorsing ANOTHER fricken' diet and exercise plan. Ugh. My first reaction was to go online and order it ASAP. But, I'm not going to do that. I am sick and tired of throwing money at my problem. I know what to do. I know how to do it. Ordering another diet and exercise plan isn't going to make me get off my butt and work out. I'm really struggling with this because I always have the newest plan out there. I have the books, or the Wii game or whatever it happens to be. I am not going to cave this time. The plan is $69 and that will buy me almost 2 months of WW.

My plan today is to work out in my basement when the baby goes down for her nap. Going to the gym is out of the question because last week she started a phase where she has to be by me at all times or she screams. This is a new and hopefully short lived phase. I won't even attempt to drop her off at the daycare at the gym because she won't last more than 5 minutes. I need to stop using her as an excuse to not work out. I can still get in a decent work out in my basement. I have a TON of work out DVD's as well as those Wii games I mentioned previously.

I've also realized that I need to come up with a concrete plan. I'm been just saying I'm going to start something and I do for a day or two but then blow it. I don't have a concrete plan to follow and I need that if I'm going to succeed. I'm going to work on that today too.

I feel like I'm back on track.. sort of. I need to take steps to be firmly back on track and feel confident and motivated. I'm back from my trip and it's time to get my butt moving. My fear is I will blow off December thinking that because of Christmas there is no way I can lose weight. However, Christmas is just one day. I don't have a lot of family so for me, it really is only a one day celebration. I need to stop making excuses and just go for it. My goal is to have lost weight this month.

PS- this is totally off subject but I'm SO excited to see Donny and Marie in Detroit on Thursday night. Yes, I'm a huge geek but I've always been a Donny fan and can't wait to see the show!

I really need to keep up with this blog. I know only a couple people read it and one of them I talk to on a pretty regular basis so I don't always think about updating. It doesn't mean I don't read other blogs still. I do, I just haven't had much motivation lately, so it's hard to update when you don't have anything good to say.

However, I finally have some motivation today. I got on the scale this morning and almost cried. I have gained 19 pounds since August. Wow. I am shocked and saddened that I have allowed myself to gain this weight. It made me realize that I think so much about losing that I don't think at all about maintenance. If I would have only maintained my weight I wouldn't be the weight I am today.

I know my laundry list of reasons why this has happened. I told myself today that I need to stop talking about it, stop complaining about it, stop all my damn planning and just DO something. Anything. I just got done walking on my treadmill for 40 minutes. That's something. My eating should be pretty good today. I need to stay away from the Halloween candy. That has been on major obstacle these past few weeks.

This weekend is going to be tough. We are going to Tennessee to stay with my sister in laws family. I don't know these people very well so I'm a little nervous. We also won't have a lot of control over what we eat. However, one good thing is there will be a woman there who is an avid runner and very healthy. I'm hoping to pick her brain and get some tips on getting in shape and motivated.

I'm going to start paying attention to maintenance. I don't want to reach Jan 1 and have another 20 pounds to lose. I am going to (at the very least) maintain over this holiday season. So while I don't have great news to report, I have woken up and realized I need to stop the madness.